In the hospital again. Been here for ten days or a few weeks.
Heart attack. Not massive but not mild either. Enough to do damage. I laugh every time I think of it. The whole attack began with a fart. I was sitting in the living room reading, and my back was sore so I was sitting in such a way that the fart was trapped. It rolled and rolled around like a lottery ball waiting to fall. The anticipation built and then it didn’t come. I strained and grunted but the bastard still didn’t come. Goddammit, I said. My head was hot. I was blushing and sweating. I lifted myself up and strained once more, concentrating all my resources on shoving the fucker out. Next thing I know my chest is heaving and pain is sprinting through my arm. I smell something strange. Something internal. My body buzzes. I hiss. I clench. In the midst of the buzz a little puff, a brief squeak, is released.
The trip to Europe’s off. Poor Randal. I apologized to him. He said forget about it. He found me and has to keep from crying when he visits me. When I had enough energy to speak, and when I was somewhat coherent, I told him to take Vivian to Europe. But it wouldn’t work. While Randal and Vivian are mature for their age, two teenagers shouldn’t wander around Europe by themselves.
Maggie can hardly look at me. She’s reserved about talking to me because I don’t think she wants to hear my warbles. They discomfort her. The attack’s weakened me, which is funny. Kind of like tossing a grenade into a home that’s been destroyed by fire. I should be afraid. But I’m at peace. I laugh a lot. I feel like I don’t have much to worry about. The pressure’s off. I took the prognosis with a nod and asked for more Pepsi.
Best of all, I had a mantis dream a few nights ago. I remember every smidgen. I saw everything through my telescopic eyes. Seaweed in the Atlantic Ocean. Mosques in Afghanistan. Patches of oil on concrete in California. Skyscrapers in London. And whatever I saw I decimated. I leaped. I screeched. I giggled. I spat. I dared to disturb the universe and people of all races and all religions and all abilities clapped for me, and I revelled in their applause, and I loved them by mashing them into the concrete, by sweeping them like crumbs into the ocean, by roaring and squishing spiritus mundi.