The next half an hour with Francelia is as arduous as the date I’ve just endured (my date did not take well to being dumped mid-chew and made a bit of a scene), but I’ve been nothing but polite as I settle myself down with a cup of tea, biting my tongue as Francelia throws out jibe after jibe about Alice, the house and even Carrot, our gorgeous little ginger cat.
‘Seriously, girls, you should open a window.’ Francelia gurns as Carrot pads past her again. I like to think he does this on purpose to push the evil one’s buttons. ‘You can always tell immediately which houses have cats living in them. It’s the smell.’
‘The house doesn’t smell,’ Alice says, but she gives the air a quick sniff anyway.
‘Believe me, it does. What is it those adverts say?’ Francelia lifts her cup of tea to her lips (it’s part of the super-expensive china set Alice bought for use whenever her stepmother descended). ‘Ah, yes. You’ve gone nose blind. Just because you can’t smell it, doesn’t mean the rest of us are as fortunate.’ She jabs a foot at Carrot as he winds his way past again and I would quite like to send any hint of politeness on a one-way trip out of the window and smack her in the gob. Luckily, Carrot skitters out of the way and Alice places a calming hand on my thigh to anchor me in place.
‘Maybe I should put Carrot out in the garden for now.’ Alice hops up off the sofa and scoops the little kitty up into her arms. ‘Emily, why don’t you pop the kettle on again?’
Because it would be an invitation for the witch to stay longer?
‘Sure.’ I follow Alice into the kitchen, filling the kettle while she opens the door for Carrot and encourages him into the garden. The poor bugger doesn’t want to go outside, but he’s in danger of sporting the pointy toe of a Kurt Geiger court shoe up his arse if he remains indoors.
‘That woman.’ Alice leans against the closed back door and growls. ‘Why did my father have to marry such a cow?’
‘You could just tell her to bog off. Or you could let me do it.’ I like this idea. I’d enjoy it.
‘No.’ Alice gives a sad shake of her head. ‘My father would never forgive me. He’d never speak to me again.’
He doesn’t anyway, I want to point out, but I know this will only hurt my friend, and her family do enough of that themselves without me wading in to throw a few verbal punches her way. The only decent member of the Monroe family – aside from Alice, obviously – is Carolyn, but she’s just as cowed as her sister when it comes to Francelia.
‘She’ll leave soon,’ I say in my best soothing voice. ‘The gates of hell will close behind her and we can get on with our smelly little lives.’
There’s a flicker of a smile on Alice’s face before she frowns. ‘We haven’t gone nose blind, have we? What if she’s right and the house does smell?’
‘The day Francelia is right about anything is the day the Devil pops his ice skates on for a twirl around his frosty kingdom.’ I pull Alice into a hug, trying to squeeze away the damage Francelia has done – and not just this evening. ‘The woman is a muppet, and we don’t listen to muppets, do we?’
‘Not even Miss Piggy?’
‘Okay, we can listen to Miss Piggy. That girl is sassy and confident and she doesn’t take any crap. She’s a role model. Francelia Monroe is not.’
‘I quite like Kermit too. And Gonzo.’
‘Animal was always my favourite.’
Alice and I grin at each other. Francelia can spew her poison but we refuse to be infected. At least from the safety of the kitchen. I kiss Alice’s forehead and release her from the hug.
‘You got this. Don’t let her win.’
Alice shakes her head and throws her shoulders back. ‘Never.’
‘Good girl. Now, am I allowed to spit in her tea?’
Alice practically rugby-tackles me as I head for the kettle and pulls me out of the way. ‘Absolutely not. We won’t stoop to her evil ways.’
We make the (spit-free) tea and take the tray through to the living room, where Francelia is studying our bookcase, running her nasty, ruby-red talons along the spines of my historical romance novels.
‘You honestly read this trash? I thought you were an actual historian. Doesn’t it rot your brain?’
‘It hasn’t so far,’ I say, my voice cheery. I will not let her win. I will not let her rile me.
‘I suppose we all have our guilty pleasures.’ Francelia wipes her hands down the thighs of her navy trousers as she sits, as though she’s rubbing away something unsavoury after touching my books. ‘Some of us read silly little novels and some of us covet expensive, irreplaceable jewellery…’ She shoots a glance at Alice, but her stepdaughter is rearranging the scatter cushions on the sofa and doesn’t notice.
‘I don’t feel guilty about my book choices in the slightest.’ I set the tea tray down on the coffee table and refill Francelia’s cup. She arches an eyebrow. She thinks I should feel guilty. I think she should take a long run off a short pier.
‘So. Francelia.’ Alice is starting to get hot and flustered, so I retreat to the sofa and vow to keep it zipped. ‘How was your trip to Aruba?’
‘Ghastly.’ I think Francelia’s lip is curling, but it’s hard to tell with all the fillers. She doesn’t offer up any more information.
‘Good to be back home then?’ I can see beads of sweat starting to form on Alice’s forehead. I hate the way this woman’s mere presence turns my friend to mush.
‘I wouldn’t exactly say that.’ Francelia places her teacup down and clasps her hands on her lap. ‘Anyway, the reason I popped over this evening…’
Yes! This is what Alice and I have been waiting for. She’ll tell us why she’s here, we’ll deal with whatever it is and then she can clamber back onto her broomstick and fly back to Harrogate.
But Francelia doesn’t get the chance to divulge her reason for descending (uninvited and without warning) as there is the unmistakable – and panic-inducing – sound of key meeting lock from the front door. I turn to Alice and our eyes meet, wide, startled, conveying what our mouths are desperate to say.
Fuuuuuuuuuuuck.
We’re up off the sofa and barrelling into the hallway in a split second, Alice reaching the front door milliseconds before me. Kevin takes an alarmed step back when he opens the door to see us standing there, panting like rabid dogs.
‘Go!’ Alice hisses, eyes darting backwards to make sure Francelia hasn’t followed.
Kevin laughs, but he’s frowning. ‘What?’
‘Didn’t you get my message?’
‘What message?’ Kevin, painfully slowly, takes his mobile out of his pocket, holding it out to show a blank screen. ‘I turned it off during the performance. I must have forgotten to switch it back on.’
‘Francelia’s here.’ Alice’s eyes dart back towards the living room before she addresses her boyfriend again. ‘You have to go.’
Kevin sighs, long and heavy, but he knows the deal.
‘Fine. Text me when she’s…’
‘Hello? Who’s this?’ A shiver runs down my spine at the sound of Francelia’s voice. She looms behind us, no doubt fighting against the Botox in an attempt to arch a practised brow at poor Kevin.
‘This is Kevin,’ Alice squeaks. ‘Emily’s brother.’
I look at Alice, then Kevin (who is in the process of folding his arms in an ‘oh, really?’ way), then back at Alice.
‘Emily’s brother has a key to your house?’ Francelia doesn’t miss a bleeding trick.
‘For emergencies,’ Alice says.
‘And what’s the emergency right now?’
Alice’s mouth opens. She shuts it again. She’s got nothing.
‘He’s also staying with us for a few days.’ I shouldn’t encourage Alice’s cover-up of her relationship, but I can’t stand to see her flounder. ‘On the sofa.’ I roll my eyes at Kevin. ‘What are you standing out there for, bruv? Get inside, you big dope.’
If Alice notices the majorly pissed-off look on her boyfriend’s face as he steps over the threshold, she doesn’t show it. She leads us all into the living room, where the three of us sit on the sofa – Alice on the left, Kevin on the right and me in the middle.
‘I’m sorry, I didn’t catch your name,’ Francelia says as she arranges herself in the armchair. She flashes Alice a reproachful look.
‘It’s Kevin. Kevin Jackson.’ He holds out his hand, but Francelia doesn’t acknowledge it, never mind shake it.
‘You have a different surname to your sister?’
‘Different dads,’ I say as Kevin settles back down into the sofa.
‘Hmm, it figures,’ the witch mutters before turning her attention back to Kevin. ‘So, Kevin Jackson. Why are you – a grown man – sleeping on your sister’s sofa? Don’t you have a home of your own? Don’t you work?’
‘I’m a music teacher,’ Kevin says and Francelia nods.
‘At the local school like Emily? That explains it then. No wonder you’re “sofa surfing”, as they say.’
‘I’m not sofa surfing. I have a place of my own.’
‘Oh?’ There goes the eyebrow again. ‘Then why aren’t you sleeping there instead of on this sofa?’ She points at the sofa we’re all sitting on, in case he needs clarification.
‘His flat’s being fumigated,’ Alice says. ‘For rats.’
Francelia recoils. I quite enjoy seeing her so uncomfortable, but Kevin is taking less pleasure from the experience.
‘How unfortunate.’ Francelia rubs at her calf with the pointy toe of the shoe that had designs on Carrot earlier. Her eyes roam the carpet for rodents, as though Kevin has turned into the Pied bleeding Piper and brought his little infestation pals along with him. ‘Anyway, the reason I popped over…’ She peers into her handbag, as though expecting to find a furry critter nestled there, before reaching gingerly inside. ‘Emily, this is for you.’