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I’m a fuckin’ idiot.
I know it, I know it as soon as I’ve done it, but I thought I could get away with it. I thought I could take matters into my own hands, and twist things so it looked like Walter had been betrayed by another one of the dealers, little did I know he has eyes on me, everywhere I fuckin’ go. And my plan, my fuckin’ big plan, that I thought out - went to shit. Tried to tell him that I’d been underpaid, and for a bit, I thought he believed me.
I now know he doesn’t.
He doesn’t believe me.
And the money I stole to pay the mortgage, is now basically blood on my hands.
I’m a fuckin’ idiot.
I’m pacing my room, trying to figure out what the fuck I’m going to do when he comes after me. And he will. He will come after me. He’ll want what’s owed to him, and he’ll want blood for the money I so stupidly thought I could get away with stealing. I thought I had it all figured out, but fuck, I’ve ruined everything.
And now I’m in danger, probably everyone I love, too.
“Hey.”
I look up and see Ellie standing in my doorway. She smiles, weakly, but it’s there. She’s the most important person in this world to me, and the idea of anything happening to her is something I can’t handle, so I know I have to make her safe, and the only way for me to do that is to make sure she has nothing to do with me. I stare into her eyes, and I know what I’m about to do will kill her. If I don’t do it, and this mess doesn’t get cleaned up, she is in the firing line.
I can’t live with that.
“Hey,” I mutter.
“Listen, Slater, I’m sorry things between us have been so tense lately. I don’t want to keep fighting with you. I really don’t...”
“About that,” I say, and I swear to fuckin’ Christ I feel my heart tearing in half. I feel it splitting in two, like someone is going to rip it out of my chest with their bare hands. It hurts so damned much. “I think we’re in different places of our lives, Ellie. You’re young, and just finished school, and ready to begin your life. I’m at a point where I don’t know what I want, and...I’m not goin’ to bring you down while I figure it out.”
The look on her face, nearly brings me to my knees.
“I was right,” she whispers, “all along I was right. You’ve found someone else, haven’t you?”
I stare at her, and I hate, fuckin’ hate, fuckin’ despise, the words that come out of my mouth next. “Yeah, I’ve met someone else.”
I want to rip my own voice box out. I want to claw my fuckin’ eyes out so I don’t have to see the pain on her face, the unmasked pain and horror, the way all the color drains from her cheeks, the way her voice breaks when she says, “Slater, I love you. I don’t...”
“Please,” I say, my voice wavering. “Please, just leave, Ellie. This isn’t going to work. You’re better off without me.”
“Slater...”
“Get out, fuck, please. It’s over. It’s finished.”
“Don’t do this,” she cries, and her voice finally cracks, and tears roll down her cheeks.
I’m goin’ to be sick.
Fuck.
What have I done.
What am I doing?
I’m an idiot. A stupid fuckin’ idiot.
“You need to leave,” I grind out, trying to fight back my own tears.
“You want to be with someone else?”
“Yes.”
“Slater...please...can we just...I don’t, I don’t believe you...”
“Get out!” I bark. “Fuck. It’s over. Get out, Ellie. Leave!”
She makes a pained cry, and clutches her chest. Then, with one last ragged sob, she turns and runs out the door. Only when I hear the front door slam, do I drop to my knees, grip my hair, and fuckin’ cry. Man or not, it feels like my heart is being torn from my chest. What I just did to her, she’ll never recover from. Even if by some small miracle, I sort out this mess I’m in, and try to fix it, I’ll never be able to fix that.
But it’s for the best.
I’m all kinds of broken, and I’ve complicated my life to the point of no return.
She doesn’t deserve to be held back because of me. She’ll be okay. She’ll fall in love again. She’s young, and strong.
But me, I’m fuckin’ broken, and damaged, and no good.
She’s better off without me.
But the thought of not touching her again, kissing her again, hearing her sweet laughter - makes me want to die. It makes me want to give everything away, and just give up. Because I don’t know what my life is like without her.
I almost can’t live with it.
But, I will. In the hopes that maybe, down the road, there might be a chance.
But right now, it isn’t worth the risk of having something happen to her.
If she isn’t connected to me, she can’t get hurt.
Right?