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I begged him not to go. I looked into his eyes and pleaded with him to stay with me. I would have listened to him. I would’ve made myself understand his reasons why. I would have done whatever it took to make Erik stay, but I guess nothing I said or did was enough because he’s dead. He left me with nothing but his scent, my tears, and random suicide thoughts of my own. If Shaun weren’t sitting beside me, holding my hand for what feels like dear life, I would slip into the men’s restroom and end it all.
I hated myself for these reckless notions, but I can’t help it. How was I supposed to survive without my husband? How was I supposed to process this and just move on?
Erik has been gone just a few hours, and his death has already consumed me, and I . . . I don’t want to get better. I don’t want to get over this. I want to die! I want to leave this planet just like he did. Maybe I’ll meet him in the sky. We could fall in love all over again without his other wife invading our time. That bitch, I wanted to spit just thinking about Katie. She is the one to blame for all of this. When she said she was leaving him, that’s when he jumped up and pulled out that gun. She needs to go downtown to the Baltimore Police Department and turn herself in for murder because she killed my husband!
“Byrd, are you okay?”
Shaun was right by my side. I didn’t know who else to call, so I called him. I’m sure Mama would’ve come too, but I didn’t want to see her right now. Actually, I didn’t want to see Shaun anymore either. I just want to be left alone.
Shaun stood up beside me. “Courtney, let’s go grab a soda.”
“I don’t want anything.” My shaking voice was so low I’d be shocked if Shaun made out what I just said.
“Well, would you like some water?”
“Shaun, I don’t want anything, all right. I’m fine!”
“Okay well . . . ” He sat back down. “I’m not going anywhere.”
“I thought you were going to get something to drink?”
“No, we were going to get something to drink. Courtney, I’m not leaving you like this.”
“Shaun . . .” I broke down crying. I couldn’t sensor my insides any longer. I was beyond frantic. I was so deep in pain, I became unhinged.
How could he leave me? He told me he loved me. He said he cared about me. We lived as husband and wife. We were husband and wife! Fuck Katie! That pale bitch didn’t know him as I did. She couldn’t make him laugh the way I did. She couldn’t hold him in the middle of the night like I could. It was me he loved. I was his wife. Fuck that bitch! FUCK HER! I want her dead for what she stole from me. She didn’t love Erik; I did! I was the good wife. I was the one he came home to. IT WAS ME, NOT HER!
“Courtney, get up!” Shaun wrestled with my rigid body after I landed in the middle of the floor in a fit of rage. “Courtney, please get up.”
I didn’t want to leave this spot. At least not until my husband did. I want to leave Mercy Medical Center at the same time as Erik—be transferred to a funeral home just as he was going to be. We could go at the same time; be together again.
I would go through the transformation from life to death with the hopes of seeing Erik again. I just needed to touch him. Tell him how much I love him. I wanted to live in the same space as he did, even if it was in the depths of hell. I would spend eternity laced with unquenchable fire if it meant being with my husband.
“I’m going to get a nurse!” Shaun shouted as he ran off.
“No! Don’t . . . Don’t do that. I’m okay. Really . . . I’m fine.” I didn’t want some nurse coming in here to administer something that was supposed to calm me down. I didn’t want to calm down. I didn’t want to relax. I didn’t want to breathe easier. I didn’t want to breathe at all. I didn’t want anything except the man I married. That’s it . . . I wouldn’t allow anything else to soothe me from this point on.
“Here you are, sir.” The nurse’s aide handed Shaun two clear cups with what looked like water inside. My screams must’ve been heard a second ago, and the aide was ordered to bring me this little-ass cup of water as if it would make everything all better. Well, it won’t make anything better, but I’ll try to calm down for Shaun’s sake. I have to make him think I’m okay long enough to get away from him.
“Are you ready to tell me what happened?” asked Shaun taking a sip from his cup.
I’m not telling him anything. He knew Erik was dead, but that was it, and we were going to keep it that way. No one would ever know the real story. I would take it to my grave. I would never even repeat any of it to myself in fear that I would betray me and release the intimate details of his death.
Erik is gone . . . That’s all the world needed to know. The details would never be disclosed.
“I don’t want to talk about it right now, Shaun, okay.”
“He didn’t try to hurt you, did he?”
Hurt me? Why would he ask if Erik tried to hurt me as if he knew Erik hurt himself? That’s not what happened. At least, that’s not the way I’m going to tell it. I didn’t know which rendition I would provide for inquiring minds, but Erik placing a gun to his head and pulling the trigger would surely be left out.
“My husband would never hurt me. What would make you even ask such a thing?”
“I’m sorry. I just want to know what happened.”
“Are details that important right now, Shaun? The fact is Erik is gone! Okay, gone! He’s not coming back next week, next month, or ever! My husband is dead! Do you hear me, Shaun? He’s gone, and I can’t change that!”
“Okay, Courtney, calm down. I don’t want to upset you.”
Shaun tried to speak as carefully as he could. He claims he didn’t want to upset me, but it was too late for that.
Why did he want to know what happened to Erik anyway? Probably, so he could go spread the news to every queen he could reach via text message. Well, I wasn’t having that. I’ll kill Shaun and take half of those queers with me first.
My crying spell was subsiding. My insides were contained for now. I’ll hide what I really feel until I get to the parking garage. There were so many paramedics in the ambulance with Erik, we couldn’t ride to the hospital with him. Katie drove to the hospital as I raced one hundred miles per hour behind her. Erik had stashed both of our trucks in our garage after he confiscated them from the home he shared with Katie.
Why did he do it? I’ll never know, and I don’t care. That isn’t important now. Nothing is important anymore.
The parking garage . . . I’ll end it all in the parking garage. I won’t live without him. I won’t allow myself to exist any further without my other half. Erik made this bed . . . now I was about to lie in it.
I started crying again as I thought about the life I once owned. I was so happy with Erik. I had a flourishing new business, a beautiful home, nice things, and, most importantly, a man whom I loved, and he loved me.
I can still hear his keys jingling in the locks back at home. When he would turn his key and unlock our front door, I swear that door key held the lock to my soul because I felt set free when he entered our home. I was set free from the black hole painted in my life led by his absences. When he would come home, I could breathe again as his cologne breezed through the air. My life always restarted when he came home. When he wasn’t there, I felt like a drugless dope fiend yearning for another hit.
All I want is my husband. I don’t care about anything else. Heaven and earth can pass away right now, as long as I have Erik, I’ll be okay. I know it’s wrong and unnatural to feel this way, but I can’t help it. I can’t control it, and if I could, I wouldn’t.
“Courtney . . .” Shaun bumped me back into reality.
“What is it, Shaun?”
“Do you know her?”
I looked up to see Katie Morgan looking in on me. She didn’t move; it seems as if her shiny stilettos were glued to the floor.
She didn’t say anything to me; she didn’t come any closer. She just stood there right in front of the elevators and stared at me. I wonder what’s going through her head right now. What is she thinking? Guess I’ll never know that either . . .
“Courtney, who is she? She looks so familiar.”
I looked Katie dead in the eyes from afar when I answered, “That’s Katie Morgan . . . My Husband’s Wife.”