CHAPTER 9

The commander’s death accelerated the plans for the rebellion. We were all still in the initial throes of panic following her death, but we were also dealing with the biggest question in everyone’s mind: Who would take over now that the commander was dead?

We hadn’t discussed announcing the appointment of a new leader before and now that the commander was dead, we decided the news could wait until she was at least buried. In the meantime, rumors broke out amongst the people concerning General Gerrard or General Devonport ascending to the leadership. Everyone knew that now was the time to pick sides to make or break their fortunes.

Due to her being in the service of the commander for the longest, support for General Devonport was especially evident. People of all different ages and reasons camped outside her quarters at night to be the first to hand her requests and other forms in the morning. The boy suggested that Devonport keep silent about the real happenings, and though she wasn’t happy about it, she managed to do so.

I recognized the pain it caused her to see the cause so divided between potential candidates for the leadership. I knew she wanted to tell everyone that the matter had already been decided. She believed that making the announcement would solve everything and end the chaos, but the boy and I knew better.

Instead, the boy and I spent the time planning the cause’s future. Always in his room to avoid raising suspicions, we went through candle after candle, burning them down to stubs.

For us to be ready for whatever the White would pull next, we wanted to start the training immediately after the commander’s funeral. Among others, we needed medical training, and that was in addition to one-on-one combat training for the inevitable all-out war.

There was a knock on the door. It was unusual at this time in the night, nevertheless the boy answered.

“May I come in?” the bodiless voice asked.

The boy consented and brought in the visitor. There was a steady click, as the visitor walked into the room. I strained my eyes to see who it was, but I couldn’t see by the light of the single candle that was left burning. Once the visitor moved up into the candle’s glow, I saw that it was none other than Nalin.

Although he was still on crutches, he looked better than he had when I had last seen him; his bruises had faded to a lighter color and his minor wounds had closed. He still wore some bandages around his ribs but, all in all, he looked much better.

“What are you doing up?” I asked after I looked behind him to make sure that the door was closed.

He grinned. “I think I could ask the same of you two.”

“Please, take a seat,” the boy offered, dragging up a chair.

“Oh, no. I’m not staying long,” he said. “I just wanted to tell you that I know about the real ascendency plans.”

The boy didn’t try to refute the claim. “How do you know?” he asked simply.

“The commander told me.”

The boy looked visibly shocked. “Before she died?”

“How else?” Nalin asked with his trademark grin.

“So you know that I’m to be the new leader,” the boy said, testing out how much Nalin knew of our plans.

“Well, to the people you are.” Nalin looked at me pointedly. So the commander did tell him everything.

“Why did she tell you?” The boy’s question was blunt.

“She saw a sketch of mine,” Nalin replied, all the while looking at me. “I can’t imagine how it got into her hands, but she commissioned me to start on a map for the battle.”

“That would be helpful,” the boy said, no doubt thinking of the unreadable map the commander had shown us earlier. “Have you done this sort of work before?”

“Before he passed on, my grandfather was the cause’s cartographer. He taught me some of the skills.”

“He was killed by the White as well?” I found myself asking.

“Nope. He died of natural causes,” Nalin said simply and he didn’t seem the least bit sorry about it. In a world where everyone was being killed, I guessed dying of natural causes was actually a happy thing.

“I’m sorry to hear it,” the boy said, not sounding the least bit sorry. “When can you discuss the details of the map?”

“Whenever,” he shrugged. “It’s not like I have a life beyond these things,” he added, tapping his crutches.

“Tomorrow, first thing then?”

“That would be perfect,” Nalin replied. “I’m guessing you want this finished as fast as possible.”

“You’re right. But first, we need to straighten out the mess we’re in right now. It’s just ...”

“A messy situation?” Nalin offered with a smile on his face even through these darker times. “You don’t have to explain the situation to me. I’m living through it.”

The boy walked Nalin to the door. When he turned back, he was grinning slightly. “I like that boy,” he said, before turning back to the work at hand.

We worked until morning discussing the exact medical procedures that we thought should be standardized and we left agreeing to have the generals look at our list for mandatory combat training.

The commander’s funeral service was that morning and we had agreed to have both a public and a private segment to it. I stepped outside to see the crowds lining up. All the people of the Red cause had publicly seen the commander, but few of them actually knew her. They were mothers and fathers, neighbors and friends, but not to her. Each person in that crowd loved and cared about someone, but that someone wasn’t her. They all came not obligingly, but out of a strange obligatory sense of respect that they bore for a woman whom they didn’t know or try to know. Where they saw a hard leading figure, all I saw was a woman who had loved her cause dearly, and she paid the ultimate price for it.

A hushed silence fell over the crowd, as they watched the wooden casket start its final journey. Babies were silent and toddlers were hushed with their thumbs in their mouths. A young couple beside me, barely in their twenties, held each other while an older couple in their seventies did the same. No one cried, yet the tone was the very essence of respect. For once, everyone was still and the air itself seemed to hold its breath.

Even in her death, the commander had a way of bringing the Red cause together. At this moment in time, no one cared who was a Trigon or who was a human. We were all one and the same, united under one sorrow.

As the casket floated by, watched by dry eyes, the people threw flowers along the now empty path. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Gerrard motion to me and I followed him up a group of stairs that wound around one of the giant Ever Trees.

At the top was a sparse platform. Wooden and simple, it creaked as I set foot on it. The casket was already there, and so was General Devonport, the boy, and the commander’s secretary. It took me a moment to realize that the commander had no family. It was no secret that she had devoted her all to the cause, but I hadn’t realized just how much that was.

A howling wind suddenly came out of a cloud and tousled the flowers that lay on the casket. It seemed that it too was saying goodbye. Among us, the wind was the only one who cried.

Gerrard and Devonport opened the wooden casket, revealing the body for the first time since that fateful night when I found the commander dead. She looked the same, still sleeping peacefully, her skin still blanched. Even in death, she bore the mark of the White.

The generals pushed the casket to the edge of the platform and in one swoop dropped only the body into the tranquil pool below. The surface of the pool seemed miles from the platform and, as the body of the commander dropped, I watched her limbs flail.

Her arms were outreached toward us, as her body twisted and turned in inhuman ways. Her head finally dropped down and she dove into the water headfirst. We could barely see the splash from where we stood and we didn’t hear it in the least. Then all signs that the commander had ever existed disappeared from view.

After the funeral, all thoughts shifted to preparing for the unavoidable battle. The boy, the two generals, and I all met at least twice a day to discuss the details of the cause.

“When are we going to announce you to the people?” Devonport asked again.

“We can’t yet,” the boy replied.

“I agree,” Gerrard said. “The commander’s death had to be an inside job and whoever did it is probably still lurking around here somewhere. We can’t announce the new leader without putting his life in danger.”

“You mean to say that we have spies here?” Devonport asked.

“Yes,” he confirmed softly.

It was a hard thought that one or more people among us had pledged their allegiance to the White. They gave up the one thing that made them mortal for a life, if you could even call it that, of an antiseptic nature. They walked among us and were just like us, yet they would do whatever they could to destroy us.

“But wouldn’t they look like an unfeeling?” I couldn’t help asking, despite Devonport’s sneering.

“Unless they’re not,” Gerrard said.

“What do you mean?”

“They could be of the White, but not be a full unfeeling yet. The Pure One could be testing their loyalty and sent them out to spy for the White first.”

“And how do you know?” Marring whatever looks she had, Devonport scowled.

Gerrard’s jaw tightened. “Because I do,” he said. “My brother ... He was an unfeeling.”

Devonport’s eyebrows shot up at that admission.

“I killed him with my own hands,” Gerrard muttered and then looked away.

General Devonport didn’t dare speak after that. I knew she hadn’t expected an answer such as the one she had just received. I also knew that everyone at the table blamed her for bringing the subject up.

“I don’t regret what I did,” Gerrard continued quietly, “but I do miss my brother sometimes ... so, I don’t want any needless deaths. Understand?”

Everyone nodded in agreement.

“What do you propose we do about the spies?” I asked.

“We don’t do anything,” Gerrard said. “We have to pretend and keep moving on our known course so as to not let on that we suspect a thing.”

“But we have to reassure the people somehow.” This time Devonport spoke. “They think we’re without government right now!”

“And, in some ways, we are,” I heard the boy mumble next to me. “What do you propose we do?” he asked her, raising his voice.

“Well ... I ... I don’t know where to begin ...”

“Why don’t we tell the people that the commander left the cause to me, because she believed that I’m the human in the prophecy?” the boy said.

“What?” Everyone else at the table was astounded by the mere thought of that suggested.

“You’ll become a prime target,” I said.

“It doesn’t matter, because I’m not the real leader. It’s the only way you won’t be in any danger.”

“I can’t have that. I can’t have someone die for me.” The room fell silent.

“This isn’t just for you,” Devonport said looking at me. “This is for the Red cause.”

“I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if that happened.”

Gerrard sighed, but slowly nodded. “I understand,” he said. “But what will we do on this matter? If we quench the fears of the people and announce you as the leader, the people would be happy, but the spies would be, too. We risk losing you and revealing our true leader. If we do nothing and keep quiet, the people will become frantic, but the spies will find nothing to report back on.”

“We have to find the spies,” the boy said. “But how?”

General Devonport laughed and looked shocked when everyone looked confused. “That can’t be a serious question,” she said in her excuse. “It’s a horribly simple matter,” she went on to say when we still looked lost. “All you have to do is send spies after those spies.”

“That might work ...” Gerrard said. “They would be well concealed amongst the people, as they would be the people.”

“Amateurs,” I heard General Devonport grumble. “And what of the White? When shall we make our attack? They already know we’re planning one, so the sooner the better. That way, we can take them by surprise.”

Devonport seemed to know, more or less, what The Pure One had said in my dreams, which made me think that the boy had briefed everyone at the table on The Pure One expecting us.

“Well ...” the boy stalled. “I had a different idea.”

Devonport automatically frowned and she wasn’t particularly keen on trying to hide it.

“What if we tried talking to the White?” he asked, looking to me for support.

The generals beside me balked and I found myself doing the same. Hadn’t he seen Lilith’s mother lying dead on the floor and the pain of the Red, our people? How could someone ever sympathize with a figure who can cause that much sorrow and suffering to someone as innocent as a little girl?

“It could be like a conference of sorts,” the boy said, trying to explain his idea to already closed ears. “We could pick two delegates to represent us and meet with two delegates from their side. They could meet in an area between the forest and The Pure One’s city.”

“Sir,” Gerrard addressed the boy.

It was the first time anyone had addressed the boy in such a formal way as this and the boy couldn’t conceal his double take.

“Please don’t.” The boy’s voice was small.

“It is befitting your rank in the cause. If we do have spies among us, it would be wise to act as though you are our leader in private as well.”

We all nodded our consent, though it was me the boy looked to.

“I don’t think a meeting with the White is a good idea,” the general continued.

“Of course, it’s not!” Devonport roared. “For one, the people will never agree to such a thing and two, who do you think will volunteer for such a thing?”

“It’s only a promise to talk to them,” the boy said. “And the people needn’t know.”

“This is taking a big risk,” Gerrard warned him.

“If the people found out ....” Devonport was quick to counter.

“And if they don’t?” Those words silenced the conversation. Then the boy picked me out of the group. “You’ve been quiet for a while.”

“I trust you,” I said. It was clear to all which side I took and the conversation ended.

“I shall draft a letter tomorrow,” Gerrard promised.

The boy thanked him and looked to me to say something.

“The boy will review the letter on my behalf.” I told him.

“I will have nothing to do with this.” Obviously not satisfied with the result of the conversation, Devonport held fast to her stance.

“As you wish,” the boy replied simply.

I could tell that Devonport was biting her tongue to refrain from saying anything more.

“Is this really the best decision?” I asked him after everyone had left.

“I have no idea,” he told me truthfully. “But we’ve got to at least try.”

I knew what he meant and I knew that he was trying to do the right thing. I just hoped that the right thing wouldn’t end up costing us more than justice. “Do you have any ideas as to who to send to talk to the White?” I asked him.

“I’m thinking, if she agrees, Lynette would make a great delegate,” he said. When I told him that I wasn’t familiar with the girl, he explained that Lynette was one of the people who worked for the commander and that I probably had seen her in passing at least once.

“And for the second delegate?”

“I’m not sure. Do you have anyone in mind?”

I replied that I didn’t, but I would think about it and keep an eye out for someone good. As I was leaving, he stopped me.

“Can you visit Nalin and see how he’s doing?” the boy asked. “Both in health and in drawing up the map,” he added smiling.

“That’s not really a favor, because I love visiting him,” I replied. It was true that I enjoyed visiting Nalin. He was so full of life that he almost made up for my being devoid of it. “I’ll see to that right away.”

As I was leaving, I ran into someone who was backing out of the boy’s quarters. “Oh! Pardon me,” I said, helping gather up the papers that I caused the girl to dropped. When I handed them back to her, I realized

she looked vaguely familiar. I had probably just seen her around before. She was a regular human girl after all. Maybe I had seen her helping the commander.

“Thank you,” she smiled. For an instant, I thought I saw something in her eye; a glint of sorts. But before I could look closer, she had already walked away, leaving me dumbfounded in her tracks.

I shook it off and went on my way. I had managed to forget about it by the time I found Nalin. He had been moved back to his own rooms and was quite happy when I found him propped up in his bed.

“You found me,” he greeted me with a grin.

“It took some tracking down, but I did find you.”

“They finally deemed that I was well enough to be moved back to my own rooms,” Nalin said. He seemed beyond happy about it.

“And how well is that?” I asked.

“Most of the cuts are closed. Only these two aren’t,” he said, pointing to one on his chest and another on the side of his head. “My fractured ribs are healing and, thankfully, I only broke one of them, so that rib is healing too. My leg’s better, but I’m still on crutches for a while longer. I’ve seen better days, but now I at least look like I got into a beer brawl instead of being almost killed by unfeelings.” He seemed so cheerful about it all; it was hard to believe he might have actually been killed out there.

Seeing a table set up on the bed across his lap, I asked what he was working on now.

“What do you think?” he asked laughing.

He showed me a detailed map of everyone’s rooms and the public buildings. On it, I could see where the commander’s funeral took place, where the boy’s and my own rooms were, and where I was right now.

“Of course, this is still rough,” he said humbly, though from my inexperienced eye the map looked perfect in every way and as exact as I could possibly imagine.

“I’m drawing this all from memory, since I still can’t get around that well,” he apologized, but I was utterly impressed by his enthusiasm and dedication to his job.

Then he pulled out another map, one much larger than the first, from beside his bed and handed it to me. It was a map of the area between the Ever Forest and The Pure One’s city. The areas bordering us were quite detailed, but, as the map moved farther north and closer to The Pure One’s city, the details grew less and less distinct and the notes farther and farther apart.

“We don’t have much information about the areas nearer to The Pure One’s city,” Nalin explained. “If we can dispatch surveyors to those areas to take notes on what the topography is like, I can probably finish it up quickly.”

I nodded in agreement. Nalin seemed to know what he was doing and I trusted him. I knew the boy would be more than happy with the progress he had made so far.

“So, how’s everything doing?” he asked. “You look tired.”

“I am,” I hesitated.

“Don’t worry. I know you can’t tell me everything,” Nalin said. “But how are you?”

“I’m as good as anyone can be during preparations for a war.” I was glad I could be frank with him and have him understand.

He looked amused at my sounding a lot like him.

“Can I tell you something in confidence, a secret you can’t tell anyone else?” I asked Nalin, as I was about to tell him of the plans to send representatives to meet with two of the White.

“No,” was his direct answer.

At first, I was admittedly taken aback, not expecting an answer of that kind. Then I thought he was joking and was prepared to stick on a smile matching one that would light up his face any second now. That smile never appeared. Nalin’s response was serious.

“I can’t let you tell me whatever it is. I ... I have something to tell you as well,” he stammered. “I don’t know how well you’ll take it. You don’t have to promise not to tell anyone. Quite the contrary, you can tell whomever you wish. I’ve been keeping something from you and I think it’s time to tell you.”

As he began to speak, his words shook me and I tried to brace myself for whatever would come next. His tone was serious and its somberness perturbed me. Not a trace of the old Nalin was left in the shell before me.

“I ... I was an observer ... for the White.”

“An observer?” The meaning of his words dawned on me after what seemed like an exaggerated moment. “For the White?”

“Nothing was set in stone,” he said. His voice pleaded with me, sounding so pitiful and wretched. “I just ... I don’t even know ... I felt buried beneath my emotions. They were too strong. I felt lost and confused. Scared too. Unbelievably scared. However much I tried, I couldn’t explain it to myself. I wanted others to understand, but how could I when I couldn’t understand myself? All I wanted was for it to stop.”

His words sounded so familiar and seemed to trigger something in my mind that sent them vibrating through my head. It pounded in there, a living heart inside my head. I remembered those exact words running through my mind ages ago. I recalled the scene as acutely as if it were unfolding before me again. It was as if time’s rusted hinges had creaked open for me to glimpse the distant past and judge it accordingly.

It had been in art class and I had been at the sink washing the paint off my hands. I remember feeling like Lady Macbeth, the Red paint staining my hands. It had tainted the water Red and it hadn’t seemed to come off no matter how hard I had scrubbed. I hadn’t realized that my sleeve had rolled up my left arm as I had tried to get the paint off.

“Oh my gosh. Are those all scars?” a girl waiting to use the sink had asked.

I had hurriedly pulled down my sleeve, not caring if I had gotten any Red paint on it. I had been ashamed that she had seen those scars. They were my record of confusion, each line representing a mass of blurring and deadened emotion.

“You’re a cutter? That’s so sick,” she had said. “You’re such an attention-seeker.”

Without waiting for me to reply or justify myself, she had left. I’m not sure what I would have said if she had stayed, whether I would have tried justifying my actions, or if I would have been able to say a word.

I didn’t feel anything. How could I? I was numb. But I felt lost and confused. Scared too. Unbelievably scared. I felt nothing and everything all at once. However much I tried, I couldn’t explain it to myself. I wanted others to understand, but how could I when I couldn’t understand myself? All I wanted was for it to stop. I wanted to be normal and happy all the time. I wanted to feel.

I wondered if I stood still enough, would the world close in around me and suck me in whole? Could I find a way to break the fragile life that I only half led?

I had thought the same words Nalin voiced and, in that instant, I realized that I could not judge him even if I tried. Here I was in the shoes of the girl from art class, but I found myself making a different decision. I didn’t turn away from him like she did from me. I stayed, waiting to see if he would make the choice to speak and justify his actions.

“With the confusion and stupefied emotions I felt, I did the only thing I could think of. I turned to the White,” Nalin continued. “I don’t remember the exact moment I made the decision or what ultimately pushed me to it, but it seemed like an accumulation of everything catapulted me over the edge.”

I opened my mouth to respond, but he asked me to wait until he had said everything he meant to say. He told me that was the only way he could ever finish and truthfully tell me everything. When I responded that I didn’t need to hear everything and that I forgave him already, he said that he needed to do this for his own sake.

“One day I had enough of it,” he continued. “I woke up that day and said, ‘I’m not going to take any more of this.’ I walked to The Pure One’s city and turned myself in. I went to the first unfeeling I saw and pledged my allegiance to the White. I asked him to make me one of them, but he only laughed and said that I had to prove my worth first. At that point, I was desperate. I would have done anything to escape those emotions plaguing me.

“It was terrifying, but I think, at that moment, I would have been ready to kill for what I wanted. He talked to The Pure One and came back with a proposal. In exchange for me going back to the Red cause, observing you, and diligently reporting my findings, they would make me one of them; an unfeeling.”

“How long was this plan supposed to be in action?” I asked, as the agonizing truth gushed out.

“As long as it would take me to get a secret or strategy of high importance from the cause. It had to be something the White could use against you in war. And I would have gotten that piece of information if I hadn’t met you. You really understand me. I felt like I could trust you ... I still do, which is why I’m telling you all this. It’s not a secret anymore, so you don’t have to keep it. I’ve stopped feeling like an outsider and more like a person and I can only accredit that to you. You saved me from myself.”

“No one else knows about this?” I asked.

“Only you,” he confirmed.

I nodded my assent. “Be careful who you tell.” Then a thought came to me. “How many others are there?”

I had to tread carefully in what I asked Nalin. Although I wanted to know what he knew, I didn’t know how much information I should ask him to tell me. I decided to stick to the basics, which was all that was necessary for me to know.

“Spies?” he asked. “One other that I know of.”

I was about to leave when another thought struck me. “Do you know who was behind the assassination of the commander?”

“I don’t,” he replied, shaking his head.

I turned my back to leave, but then he said something that piqued my interest.

“But I have a suspicion.”