Spontaneous Fermentation (and Other Ways to Lose the Love of Your Life)
When we were kids, Bobby and Finn used to ride their bikes down to the candy store in the center of Sebastopol. I loved the ride—and my mother wouldn’t let me take it alone. But, man, was it fun when Finn and Bobby let me join them: the easy climb down the hills into the center of town, the hard ride back, candy melting in our pockets speeding us along. One time, on the ride back toward home, a car pushed us off the road. It was going so fast around the final turn, giving us no choice but to ride ourselves into a ditch to avoid getting hit head-on.
The car pulled over. It was a group of tourists, who had just been up at The Last Straw Vineyard. My father, at that time, was doing food and wine tours for elite tourists willing to pay fifty dollars a pop for a private tour with him.
They were apologetic, drunk, and apologetic, Finn telling them that it was okay. They felt like they needed to do something to make it right, though. One of the women checked out our skinned knees, covering us with ointment. Her husband offered to drive us back to our parents, Bobby refusing the offer after we stole a peek in their trunk. The trunk was filled with cases of wine from every vineyard on the road and many from Napa Valley—including Murray Grant Wines. They weren’t discriminating. They weren’t taking a special trip to visit my father. They weren’t even drunk on good wine. They were drunk on anything they could get their hands on.
They took off, heading back to their fancy Healdsburg hotel—the three of us walking our bikes in the direction of home, agreeing to keep the incident from our parents, otherwise that would be the end of the bike-riding to the candy store. They got confused on the dirt road. And no one was hurt. So there was no reason to make a big deal. Except that I remember all three of us being angry with them in a way we couldn’t explain, in a way I could only explain when I thought of my mother’s question about the vineyard: Was I sure that I wanted to hold on to the vineyard for my father as opposed to for myself? Was I sure that I was thinking of my mother and my father only?
We didn’t want them anywhere near our vineyard. We didn’t want anyone near it who wasn’t going to appreciate it.
So maybe the answer to my mother’s question about the vineyard was no.
I got into a bubble bath. I wanted some peace and quiet. Ben hadn’t reappeared from my bedroom, which let me know that in addition to nap time, Ben was checking in with Michelle, letting her know that Maddie was doing well, telling the story about how she loved the vineyard, how she was a future winemaker. Why did that feel like its own injury?
A second injury. There was a magazine by the bathtub. And Michelle was on the front page, staring back at me, all legs and glowing hair, a dress that cost more than the entirety of my closet.
I closed my eyes, sinking into the water, when my phone rang, Suzannah on the caller ID.
“I don’t know whether to kill you or come up there to save you,” she said when I picked up. “I had to sit in on your deposition in Santa Monica. I think I peed eight times. No one was pleased.”
I felt myself take a deep breath in, relieved to hear her Southern drawl, mad and loving and true.
“Saloom is pissed that you aren’t here, by the way.”
Saloom was the managing partner of the firm. His defining characteristic was that he was pissed.
“And don’t tell me that it’s Sunday or that you’re taking this week off for the wedding anyway,” Suzannah said.
“What should I tell you?”
“Did Ben show up?” she said.
“He did.”
“Okay. Am I still a maid of honor?”
“Do you think you should be?”
She paused, considering the question. “Well, on the one hand, I can’t fit into my dress. On the other hand, I bet that you look stunning in yours.”
I laughed.
“In all seriousness, I just keep thinking about the turtles,” she said.
“What are you talking about?”
“The turtles. Ella’s turtles.”
She offered no further explanation, leaving me to figure out what she was saying. I’d bought her daughter turtles for her birthday, mostly because she wanted a dog, and Suzannah had said no way. But she was happy with the turtles. She named them Lily and Jake. And she absolutely loved them. What that had to do with my current situation, I had no idea.
Suzannah got tired of waiting for me to figure it out. “Remember how Ella left the door open and the male turtle ran away? And the girl turtle was so sad, she never left her shell again?”
I took a deep breath in, sinking deeper into the bubbles. “You’re saying if I let Ben go, I’m going to be sorry?”
“No, I would never say anything that dumb.”
“So what are you saying?”
She sighed, loudly. “I’m saying we make up all sorts of stories when really we should just keep the door closed.”
There was a knock on the door, and Margaret walked inside, without even waiting for an invitation. She sat herself down on the edge of the tub, her hair wet from her own shower, her hands full with towels and the baby monitor and hair clips and a spoon and an open container of yogurt. She rearranged, leaning over the tub, putting one leg inside.
“Holy shit, are you okay? I passed out when I saw her there. Maddie’s her name?”
That was the thing about your brother marrying his high school sweetheart. You’d known her since you were a tiny person. She’d sat before you in many more inappropriate positions than this. She thought nothing of walking in on you in the tub and going about the business of prying. She was your sister too.
She was dripping all over with that hair, her voice low, confirming Maddie wasn’t the only child taking a nap. The twins were down as well, which was probably the reason Margaret had taken a minute to shower herself.
She pulled her hair into two tight buns, the spoon in her mouth. “What a shit,” she said. Then she motioned toward the phone, talking loudly. “Tell Suzannah to call back later.”
Suzannah screamed through the phone. “Tell Margaret I’m already hanging up and going back to doing your work. So Saloom doesn’t fire your ass!”
Margaret took the phone away, leaning in with a demanding look.
“Well, what’s the story, already? I have so many questions.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Do you know who the mother is?” she said. “Some ex-girlfriend?”
I pointed at the soaking magazine, a wet Michelle staring up, still too pretty.
She picked up the magazine. Confused. “She works at People?”
I closed my eyes tightly, ignoring her.
“What was Ben thinking, showing up with her here? You know what? Back up. Bobby didn’t say a word about this, so I assume you haven’t known for long. When did you find out?” Her eyes got wide. “Did you just find out?”
“Margaret, I just need a minute alone.”
“No way.” She shook her head. “The twins are taking their nap. We’re talking.”
I pulled myself up, pissed. “You want to talk, let’s talk. But you go first, Margaret.”
I was silent, watching Margaret’s face, Margaret letting it sink in that I knew about her and Finn. At least I knew there was something I shouldn’t know.
Her voice got incredibly quiet. “Finn told you?”
She shook her head. Like that was the betrayal here.
“It’s not what you think,” Margaret said. “Between me and your brother.”
“Which one?” I said.
She drilled me with a look. “You trying to be cute?”
“I’m trying to take a bath, but apparently that isn’t happening.” I pointed at the sink. “Can you hand me a towel?”
She shook her head. Then she reached over, grabbing the towel, putting it on the bathtub’s edge, but too deep in, the towel falling into the soapy water. “Finn. Between me and Finn.”
“Do you realize how wrong that is? That you even have to specify that?”
“I could do without the judgment, okay?” She paused. “I didn’t do anything wrong. I didn’t.”
“So who did?”
She looked at me. “Bobby.”
I closed my eyes. “Margaret, if you’re about to tell me that my brother cheated on you, don’t. I don’t want to hear it.”
“No, but there are a lot of ways to disappear on somebody.”
“What was his?”
“I don’t know . . .” Margaret shrugged, not wanting to say it. I was angry, but then I could see why. I could see why she was hesitating. As soon as she started talking, she began to cry.
I put my hand on top of hers. “What happened?”
“Our marriage. Getting married young. The miscarriage young. And then we decide to wait to have a child. Bobby wants to wait and we wait too long.”
I squeezed her hand, remembering it all too well: Margaret losing the baby five months into the pregnancy. She was devastated, only pulling out after the wedding, only pulling out when they were entrenched in their life together.
“We spent years trying to have the twins. All those fertility treatments. And I was the one who wanted that, but he wanted them too. Then they arrive. And what does he do?”
She wiped at her tears, but they kept coming, the towel I’d left on the sink now her handkerchief. “He is helpful. He was absolutely amazing with the twins. Matching me feeding for feeding. Diaper change for diaper change.”
“I’m not sure how that means he disappeared,” I said.
She smiled. “It means I disappeared. At least as far as he was concerned.”
“You’re mad at him for being a devoted father?”
“No, I love that he is a devoted father. But it just made it obvious that there was not a whole lot there when the kids weren’t. Do you know when the last time we had sex was?”
I shook my head fiercely. “I don’t want to.”
“You don’t want to? I don’t want to.”
“So you’ve started sleeping with Finn?”
“No, I’m not sleeping with Finn,” she said. “It was stupid, what happened. Finn came over on July Fourth. For drinks. Burgers. Bobby was running late, of course, and we’d both had too much to drink. And he had his camera there, you know? He had come from doing this terrible shoot of a couple’s dogs. I asked to see his photographs and so he showed me. He showed me the photographs of the dogs. And we laughed about how ridiculous they were. We were really laughing. And it was stupid. But I kissed him.”
I looked at her, speechless.
“But he pulled away. I could tell he didn’t want to, but he did. He put his beer down and walked out. Got in his car. Drove away. Actually, he sat in his car for a solid five minutes. Not getting back out. Then he drove away.”
I felt myself audibly exhale, relieved. Finn had stopped it, whatever Margaret had started. There was no unfaithful act. Except then I looked into Margaret’s face, my relief turning to something else. The longing I saw there stopped me in my tracks. It mirrored perfectly the longing I had seen when I looked at Finn.
She shook her head. “The thing is, Finn . . . he was my friend. He was my friend when I was fifteen years old and I knew he liked me even then. He liked me for the reasons I liked me. But I chose Bobby.” She shrugged. “I chose Bobby for all the reasons that everyone chooses Bobby. I just didn’t take it into account.”
“Which part?”
“The part where someone looks at you, really looks at you, when you walk into a room. You either have that with someone or you don’t. And if you don’t, you’re fucked.” She paused. “That’s what I wished I had known going into this marriage, that we didn’t have the one thing you need most.”
I thought of Ben and how he made me feel when I walked into a room, like I was the only one there. I derived meaning from that, Margaret deriving meaning from its absence. Though wasn’t that just a story we were telling ourselves? Synchronization: You look up just when someone is looking at you. Your eyes meet and you feel like he recognizes your beauty. You look up and he is looking the other way and you tell yourself he never wanted you in the first place.
Margaret shook her head, trying to fight her tears. “Finn looks at me like that. I’m not turning us into Dynasty. I’m not sleeping with my husband’s brother, as much as I may want to.”
“Margaret, this isn’t about Finn. You need to talk to Bobby.”
Margaret shook her head, wiping away her tears, composing herself. “I fucked everything up,” she said. “And if you want to judge me for that, then judge me.”
Which was when Bobby stormed into the bathroom. Holding it with his bitten-down fingers. The other side of the two-way baby monitor.
“I think I’ll judge you, Margaret,” he said.