AS WE COME TO the final lessons of this book, let us return for a moment to the soccer analogy. But this time, instead of being a fan who is watching the game with a varying degree of attachment to the outcome, imagine that you are one of the players on the field.
As a player, it's your goal to win the game, and you have a choice on what you will use to motivate you to reach that goal. If you are motivated by the voice of your parasite, you will revert to self-deprecation and self-flagellation, where the only means by which you will love and accept yourself is if you win. If you apply the steps outlined in the last chapter, you can love yourself unconditionally throughout the process, enjoying the game for the sake of playing it, regardless of the outcome.
But there is a big difference between setting a goal that involves only you (say, running five miles) versus a goal that involves other people (winning a soccer game). In the latter, you will have an opponent who stands in the way of you achieving your goal. This is a competition, and the question becomes, how will you view your opponent throughout the process? Will you love your opponent unconditionally? Can you view your opponent as another manifestation of the Authentic Self? Or will you demonize them, see them as an enemy who must be defeated at all costs? How will you act toward your opponent if you lose?
These questions are important because in our society life is often portrayed as a competition. If you look around, a prolific message that is communicated via movies, TV, books, and especially advertising in all its forms is that all of the things you want in life are in “limited supply,” be that love, happiness, friendship, a job or career, beauty, money, or material possessions, and because of this limited supply you had better do everything in your power to acquire yours before someone else does. This idea, often referred to in economic terms as “scarcity,” creates a not so subtle atmosphere of comparison and competition between you and many of the people you know.
This idea of scarcity, and the subsequent competitive mindset, is so prevalent that it's difficult to spot in all its forms. For instance, when you first meet someone, notice if you start to compare yourself to him or her based on the things that are important to you as an individual. Do you assess the other person's physical appearance in comparison to you? Do you estimate their material wealth, education level, or social standing in comparison to yours? Or perhaps you question whether the person is “more spiritual” than you are. The modes of comparison differ depending on what's important to you, but the act of comparing almost always leads to competition, even if the competition only resides in your mind. The old cliché about keeping up with the Joneses acknowledges this comparative and competitive mindset. It's a habit, and it takes awareness and effort to break free of it.
It's noteworthy that the first four letters of the word scarcity are also the first four letters of the word scare, because fear is exactly what the idea of scarcity provokes. Fearing that there isn't enough of whatever they want, people view others in the Dream of the Planet as competitors for a limited number of resources, be that love, happiness, money, etc., and they act accordingly. As you have learned, any action that is motivated by fear cannot also be motivated by unconditional love, and it ultimately leads to suffering in one form or another. When you accept the concept of scarcity without question, the result is that you believe someone else may get something that you need instead. This is a very difficult place from which to engage others in the Dream of the Planet, as doing so turns them into opponents rather than friends.
In the Toltec tradition, we understand that the idea of scarcity, as it is most often promulgated in the Dream of the Planet, is a myth. From an early age, you are domesticated into the false belief that scarcity exists, but the truth is, there is always enough of whatever you need in this moment. When you believe the myth of scarcity, the result is that you feel afraid, you see others as competition, and in this way you get lost in the fog again.
Note that I did not say there would always be enough of whatever you want in the moment, but rather what you need. That is a big difference. You may have many wants or preferences in the world that don't arrive when you'd like them to, but a Master of Self knows that life will always provide exactly what is needed in the moment. This is not just a theory; you can actually prove it to yourself right now.
Take a moment to think about your past and identify a couple of meaningful situations where at the time you did not get what you thought you wanted. For example, did you want a promotion or a new job but didn't get it? Did you want to have an intimate relationship with someone who ultimately didn't want the same? In each situation that you identify in your own life, what happened instead?
For example, I have a friend who experienced this truth in a profound way a few years ago. He and his wife were coming up on ten years of marriage when she announced that she wasn't in love with him anymore, and she filed for divorce. My friend was heartbroken. He begged, pleaded, and did everything in his power to convince his wife to stay in the marriage, all to no avail. When she left, he sank into a deep depression, and he was convinced that this divorce was the worst thing that could happen to him.
But then he started to work on himself. As a result, he began to look within and release the idea that he knew better than life. Slowly, he opened to the idea that this divorce, although not what he wanted, was instead what he needed. After a year or so of further work on himself he was able to move on from his past, to heal the wounds that were there even before his divorce, and he started dating again. Shortly thereafter, he met the love of his life, and they soon married and now have three beautiful children. What's especially remarkable about this story is that my friend's first wife did not want children, and although my friend did, he was willing to give up that dream in order to be with her. In hindsight, he is so grateful to his first wife for leaving him, as otherwise he would not have his precious children and the fulfilling relationship he now enjoys with his current wife.
As my friend's experience demonstrates, sometimes there needs to be a certain amount of distance between you and the event before you can see the truth of this teaching, but if you look closely at the situations in your past when you didn't get what you wanted, you'll likely find that you got exactly what you needed instead. Even when the end results of a situation don't demonstrate this as clearly as they did in my friend's case, a Master of Self finds the inner strength to embrace this principle with an open heart.
When you live your life from a mindset of trust rather than a place of fear, the result is that you stop trying to force or control the people and situations that are happening around you and instead surrender to whatever life brings. This doesn't mean you don't try to change things when it's within your power to do so, but as a Master of Self you are adept at identifying the situations that are beyond your control, and in those instances you trust and surrender to whatever the moment brings because you know you will receive exactly what you need. Because you no longer believe in the concept of scarcity, you know that the place for competition and opponents exist in games only, not in daily life. You no longer compare yourself to others, nor see them as competitors. You simply do your best, and your passion will be evident in your efforts. Success is the natural consequence of doing something you love to do.
Closely related to the concept of scarcity is an idea we have already discussed at length: the notion that somehow you are flawed, broken, unworthy, or, at best, simply “not enough.” I bring it up again now because the ideas of scarcity and that you are “not enough” actually work hand in hand to keep you trapped in the fog. Think about it for a moment. If the person you are is flawed, broken, or not enough, then it is unlikely that you will be able to acquire the things that you need because they are supposedly in limited supply. The combination of these untruths creates an environment where conditional love thrives through the vehicles of comparison and competition, and the result is the fear that you will never be enough, and that you will never have enough.
The idea that you are not enough is an ancient one, as it has been postulated in myths and legends since the beginning of recorded history. (The story of the Garden of Eden and Original Sin are good examples.) I find it amazing how many people in the Dream of the Planet have been domesticated into believing that they have some sort of inherent internal deficiency, and it is this belief that the parasite uses to take over your mind.
Of all the false ideas that you have been domesticated to, the idea that you are not enough may be the most damaging, so let me be absolutely clear on this matter: You are more than enough. You are perfect and complete exactly as you are. You are not flawed, broken, damaged, or irredeemable. Much of the suffering you experience is self-inflicted, and it can be traced back to believing this untruth. This feeling of unworthiness is the primary reason you withhold unconditional love for yourself. The most effective thing you can do to bring about change in your life is to let this flawed idea go. Once this false belief is replaced with unconditional self-love and self-acceptance, the myth of scarcity crumbles, and comparison and competition with others ends in its wake.
Perfection is something that is completely free of flaws. But the thing is, we define what a flaw is with our agreement. There is no such thing as a flaw in the world, just in the agreements that we make in the Dream of the Planet, and that is an illusion. Thus, everything in life is perfect.
As children we all had role models, or people we looked up to and wanted to be like. In many cases our first role models were our parents or primary caregivers, and that gave way to siblings, teachers, sports figures, superheroes, and even friends. As we grew up, our role models often broadened to include artists, scholars, humanitarians, political leaders, or spiritual teachers. In all cases, we saw qualities in these people that we wanted in ourselves, and often endeavored to emulate them as a result. This is a wonderful way in which admirable qualities are passed from one Personal Dream to another.
And yet, like many other things we have discussed in this book, something that can be used in a positive way can also become a negative. In this case, you can begin to compare yourself to your role model, and use their positive example as a tool to chide or whip yourself for not being more like them. You create conditions on your self-love based on a desire to be like someone else.
For instance, let's say that one of your role models is Mother Teresa, the famous Roman Catholic nun from the twentieth century who moved from Europe to India at the age of eighteen, founded a religious order, and devoted the rest of her life to helping the sick and the poor. There are many reasons to admire and emulate this special woman: her acts of unconditional love, tolerance, charity, and selflessness, just to name a few. However, without awareness, you could also begin to use her example to judge yourself as inadequate, saying something like, “I'm not helping enough people,” or “I am not as good of a person as Mother Teresa.” The minute you do this, then instead of looking at the qualities she exhibits as inspirational, you have now started the unhealthy process of comparing yourself to her, and using that comparison as a reason to go against yourself. In this way, the parasite has slipped in the back door and regained control of your mind.
Think about the absurdity of this for a moment. This is the last thing that Mother Teresa, or any other truly positive role model, would want for you. When you catch yourself comparing your life to that of a role model and then admonishing yourself for not being more like them, that's your cue that the fog has crept back in and clouded your vision. Instead of comparing yourself to others and deciding that you are insufficient, use your role models' examples as motivation to bring the qualities you admire in them to fruition in your own everyday life.
In my own case, I have a good friend who is close to qualifying for the Boston Marathon, as he can run 26.2 miles in 3:30. I look up to him as a runner and as a great human being, but the moment I begin to compare myself to him and his results, I am once again domesticating myself with someone else's achievements, and forsaking myself in the process. Instead, I celebrate his success just as much as I celebrate my own. I ran a marathon in 5:57, and I celebrate the fact that I finished it. Instead of comparing my time with his time, I look within at all I have accomplished, of how much I enjoyed doing it all. This allows me to enjoy my own craft, to enjoy the opportunity I have to do something I love to do, and to evolve my skills with my passion. I will learn from my friend, and many other runners, and enjoy our camaraderie.
Another trap related to role models occurs when you mistakenly believe that a single role model or teacher has all of your answers. A situation like this can often occur on a spiritual path, especially when you first start to wake up and emerge from the smoke and fog. Admittedly, depending on the level of your prior domestication and attachment, it may seem like a role model or teacher does have all your answers, as you are just starting to find your own way. But as the initial bud of your awakening blossoms, you soon realize that in reality you have all your own answers, and any role models or teachers you engage with are only there to point you on the way back home to yourself.
This doesn't mean that you don't seek the help of others when the way gets difficult; we all need help from time to time. But the difference is that as a Master of Self you know that on the deepest level, everything you need is already inside you. With a perception of abundance rather than scarcity, you allow yourself to be inspired by the talents and successes of others.
As a Master of Self, you are forging your own path, creating your own journey to your own inner evolution. You are grateful for the lessons from your role models and teachers and you are inspired by their examples, but you don't compare yourself to any of them, nor do you want to be just like any of your role models, because you are completely content with the person that you are.
In the end, you understand that you are unique in your experience of life because no one else knows life from your perception but you. It is liberating to become aware that you only control your own will, and this knowledge allows you to enjoy everything you experience and do. The harmony and peace that the Toltec warrior felt in the opening paragraph of chapter one comes when you realize that there is no need to work so hard to be someone you think you should be, because you are already perfectly yourself. The I am is an experience of life, not a symbol or model that you have to attain. In this way, the inner war is over, again, and again, and again. As a Master of Self, peace reigns.
The following exercises will help you put the lessons from this chapter into practice.
In the Buddhist tradition there is a concept known as mudita, or sympathetic joy, which is the practice of having joy in the accomplishments, achievements, and good fortune of others. This virtue can be easy to cultivate when the others are members of your family or close friends, but it is more difficult once you move outside your inner circle.
For this exercise, think of a situation where someone else received something that you wanted for yourself. Perhaps this was a promotion at work, an award, a material object, etc. Once you have the situation and person in mind, repeat the following statement out loud three times.
“I am grateful that _______________ received the good I wanted for myself.”
How did it feel to speak those words out loud? If you are like most people, this can be a difficult practice to feel sincere about, especially at first. But consciously bringing the practice of mudita into your life can help you replace jealousy and envy with goodwill and unconditional love. Doing so will help you to see beyond the myth of scarcity. Other people are not your competitors; everyone gets exactly what they need in every moment, and this includes you.
Going forward, as you engage others in the Dream of the Planet, become aware of your internal reactions when you are in a situation where someone else receives something you wanted for yourself. Notice if your feel jealousy, envy, or fear, and use that as an opportunity to practice mudita.
Think of the many role models you have had in your life and make a list of all the qualities you saw and admired in these people. List the qualities only on a sheet of paper, not the names of the people. Some examples might be: honesty, generosity, tolerance, skill, peacefulness, discernment, etc. Make the list before proceeding to step 2.
Recall what we discussed in chapter 5 about mirroring, where someone who gets under your skin usually possesses a quality you see in yourself that you don't like. Well, the opposite is also true. Look back at the list of your role models' qualities. Now write your name at the top of this list. You possess all of these qualities! Otherwise, you wouldn't have been able to recognize them in others. You may not have the skill of your role model in certain areas, but you have the ability and the potential to forge your own way if you choose to work toward that.
Knowing that you already possess these qualities that you admire in others, what qualities do you think others would admire in you? How do you think others perceive you? Does that match up with the list you made, or are they different? Let your inspiration lead you forward.