The next morning, Ava was playing with her toys on the floor. Or picking them up and throwing them, which meant there were plastic bricks scattered across the surface. Hannah had relished not having to worry about a little bit of mess. She was sitting at the table, reading yesterday’s paper, when the doorbell rang. She had one hand on the page, the other cradling a strong coffee. She felt like she hadn’t slept a wink, but she’d been up with the dawn anyway. The birds at her bedroom window didn’t give a toss how ratty or hemmed in she felt. She envied them, being able to sing and fly wherever and whenever they wanted. The minute her eyes opened she knew that even trying to sleep was going to be a waste of time. Now it was barely after nine, the sun just starting to shine through the thin cotton curtains draping the kitchen window.
She rose from her seat at the table and looked at the front door. She could see a shadow of a man standing there, and her breath caught in her throat. The doorbell rang again, just once, and then she heard a deep voice.
‘Hello, Hannah?’
She didn’t utter a word, just held back from the door. Ava was watching her, half interested. She begged her in her head to stay quiet.
‘Hannah, we met yesterday. At the park – the officer?’
It took her a second, but she placed the voice behind the hulking shadow. It was Brody. Her heart started working in her chest again, but her hands still shook while opening the door on the chain. She opened it just enough to look through, and there he was.
‘Good morning.’
He was without his dog this time, but that wasn’t the first thing she noticed. His eyes almost pinned her to the spot, something about his face seemed to do that. It wasn’t his eyes that she was focused on though. It was the police uniform he was wearing. He looked official. She bit the inside of her lip, hard. She was doing with needing a policeman at her door. Where were they before, back home? When she needed protection from Victor? Nowhere. Now some attempted mugging had occurred, she was a victim again, and they were relentless in their pursuit. Too late, PC Plod. I don’t need a thing from you and your ilk.
‘Hello,’ she managed to utter back, flashing him a short smile. ‘How did you find me?’
He looked a little embarrassed for a second, his cheeks throwing out a hint of pink beneath his hat.
‘I figured you lived local; it didn’t take much asking around about new arrivals.’
Shit. So much for a smaller town, a quiet life. She’d have been better drowning herself in a bigger city by the sound of this rumour mill.
‘Okay. What’s this about?’
His lips pursed, and he looked down the street for a second before returning his gaze to hers.
‘We still need to take a statement. I was expecting you yesterday, but I thought it might be better done out of the station. May I come in?’ He reached behind him and produced a little soft toy version of his dog. ‘I come bearing gifts.’
‘I don’t need gifts, and I’m rather busy this morning. I don’t want to press charges either, so the statement is pointless.’
She pushed the door shut, and he made no move to stop her. He knocked again, a couple of short taps.
‘I’m not trying to bother you; I just wanted to take a statement. This guy had been a nuisance for a while. I understand, I apologise for disturbing you.’ Hannah listened, but she didn’t hear him leave. ‘The toy is for Ava. We give them out to kids at the station. You have my card in case you change your mind. I left one with the dog.’
Hannah hid behind the door for a second, trying to catch her breath and slow the strong drum of her heart. She listened for the gate to click shut, but nothing happened. Checking that Ava was still occupied, she slowly took the chain off the door and opened it.
Brody was standing outside the gate, looking at the house. The gate was slightly open, his hand on the metal clasp. The soft toy dog was sitting on the doorstep, looking at her like a hopeful stray. Brody met her eye and she looked right back at him warily. He was younger than she first thought, but then again, she had been rather distracted by the mugging. And the quiet, rather nosy policeman who was now staring at her so intently made her head spin. It made her think of another man’s stare. The polar opposite of Brody’s, but the effect still pinned her in place in the same head-swirling way. She recalled a colder, threatening gaze, one that filled her with dread each time.
She blinked rapidly to cleanse the memory from her eyes and looked again. He’d closed the gate now and turned to walk back to his police car. In the back, she could see Bullet. His big black eyes were also focused on her, and she nodded awkwardly at the hound, who barked once in response. Brody looked at him, and then back at her. When he saw her still standing there, he sighed and rested one hand on the little fence at the front of her house.
‘Hannah, are you sure you’re okay?’
She opened her mouth to dismiss him, as she had learnt to do with some degree of skill over the last few years. She had perfected the carefree smile, the pain-free body movements, even though sometimes she had just wanted to curl up under the covers of her prison and cry till she was nothing but a pool of tears and regret. She was great at deflecting, an expert in excuses too. She would have been a good solicitor she fancied, in another life. It came so naturally to her now. Editing the facts and history of her life to suit the agenda she needed it to. She opened her mouth again, trying and failing to think of something to say to get rid of this man.
‘I will be,’ she said instead, and she found herself smiling at her own words. ‘I will be.’
Brody nodded, the corner of his mouth lifting slightly. ‘Good,’ was all he said, and then he was gone. She watched the car pull away, and Ava started to cry indoors. On her front step, the cuddly dog was sitting on a piece of paper. She picked them up, looking to see if anyone was watching first. The street was quiet and serene, as usual. After locking the door behind her, she went to get her daughter fed and dressed.
She had a hell of a lot to get through today. The paper from yesterday was still sitting on the kitchen table, but it made for grim reading. Long gone were the days when you could spend half an afternoon ringing around for vacancies, full of possibilities. Jobs were sparse where she could go undetected, and with Ava in tow, it was near impossible. She’d already rung a couple of the adverts, but with childcare, she would end up out of pocket before she started.
You can’t do this. There it was again, the familiar old voice. It drove her mad, haunted her dreams. Scolded her inwardly for every celebration she had ever notched up. Every time Ava smiled, or gurgled in her cot, he was there. In her head. The things he used to spew at her were coded into her brain now. She was so gaslighted that even her own thoughts had his agenda. But in her own voice. You won’t be a good mother. Bad wife, bad mother. She gripped the corner of the table, her knuckles turning white as she pushed him out of her head.
Once the silence returned to her ears, she gathered her things together. Checking the leftover cash was still zipped in the inside of her bag from yesterday, she settled Ava in the pram and headed out of the door.
The first job she’d seen was through an agency, a small red-windowed building situated between a nail salon and a comic book shop. After dragging her pram in while three people sitting at desks in the open-plan space stared at her, she knew it was a mistake the second she’d sat down.
‘So, you don’t have a driving licence?’
‘No. Well, yes I do, but I would prefer a non-driving job anyway. It’s not necessary then, is it?’
The woman sitting behind the cheap chipboard desk stared at her, her heavily kohled eyes squinting as she looked from her to the baby.
‘No, I suppose not. We will need references though.’
‘Well, as I said, the movers lost a box. It’s been a nightmare. Everything was in that box.’ She looked down at the desk. Someone had written help me get out of here on the surface in red biro. Her fingers tingled to touch it.
‘Well, I know that’s a problem, but I’m afraid without paperwork we won’t be able to match you with an employer.’ The woman picked at her nails, the pale pink shellac half gone and in clumps on her half-bitten trotters. ‘I’m sorry.’ Looking down at Ava in her pram, she raised a smile. ‘Cute kid. If I were you, I’d just enjoy your time off, try again in a few months. You should have replaced all your ID by then. These bureaucrats take their time anyway.’ She flashed her teeth and picked up the ringing phone on her desk. Hannah’s leg muscles twitched, but she didn’t move off the seat. She found herself staring at the woman. When her finger went to press a number on the keypad, Hannah slammed down on the cut-off lever.
‘Some of us don’t have that luxury. And we don’t need people like you looking down at us either.’
She waited till she had wheeled the pram around the corner of the road before she allowed one single tear to drop. The rest of the afternoon was much the same. One sandwich shop with a ‘Help Wanted’ sign looked promising until she mentioned that she needed to organise childcare and couldn’t start before eight of a morning. The man’s face fell quicker than a lemming off a cliff, and so had her hope of working in there.
Ava started to stir as she left defeated, and she headed away from the crowds to look for somewhere quiet to attend to her. She saw a sign for the library, and something in her pulled her feet in that direction. Libraries had always been her safe place, a building filled with peace and words and wonder. She left the pram just inside the main doors, out of the way of other visitors, and pushed the library doors open with her free arm. They welcomed them in with a quiet swish, her bag over one shoulder, Ava in her arms.
The second she walked in, her body relaxed. Ava, fussing in her arms, seemed to subside a little, and Hannah stood there for a second, taking a lungful of the air around her. It was an old building. Heavy wooden doors with metal handles giving way to high ceilings with ornate ceiling roses and coving. Bumpy white-painted walls, posters of movie adaptations and books placed around the room. The reception desk was in the centre of the large square room, doors off to each side. It was quiet, the lull before lunch that she knew so well from her old job. There were a couple of people using the computers, but the reception desk was quiet. One man was talking about the latest book he’d requested, telling the librarian the bare bones of the plot. Hannah found herself smiling, enjoying the relaxed to and fro of their conversation.
‘Hello.’
A deep voice behind made her jump, and she whirled around.
‘You again!’ Her voice ricocheted around the space.
‘Er …’
‘Why are you here?’ she demanded.
Brody, dressed in his uniform, raised his hands in surrender. He had two fiction books in one of his hands. He raised a brow in their direction, keeping his arms in the air.
‘I came in peace. I have a library card, if you’d like to see that. Just don’t laugh at my picture.’ His lips formed a short smirk.
‘Oh, sorry. I just wasn’t expecting to see you.’ Ava chose that moment to decide she couldn’t wait any longer and let out a shrill wail. ‘She needs changing. I’m a bit stressed.’
Brody nodded once, lowering his arms and walking around her to the reception desk. Hannah jiggled Ava in her arms, trying to shush her. He was back in a flash.
‘Here.’ Brody held a key aloft. He kept his distance. ‘Family room in the back. Anyone is welcome to us it when they need to.’
He tipped his policeman’s hat at her like some kind of gallant cowboy and strode back over to the desk. Hannah locked herself into the family room, which was a large room consisting of benches, a changing table, changing supplies, and a nursing chair. She left the key in the door and changed her daughter. Once Ava was all cleaned up, she gave her a bottle of juice from the bag. Ava sat playing with Hannah’s necklace in one hand, the juice bottle in the other. Hannah took the moment to sit in the chair and shake off her day. She found herself relaxing for once, away from prying eyes in a peaceful building.
She tried not to think of Brody. The PC Plod of this village seemed to get around a lot. He had helped her though. That’s all that he seemed to want to do. It was rather annoying, but there was something about him that she liked. He was calm, even cutting such an imposing figure. Especially in the uniform. She knew that some women loved a man in uniform, but it had never done much for her. Even on him, it evoked unwelcome feelings in her gut.
Reaching across to her bag, she pulled her pay-as-you-go phone from one of the pockets. She dialled the only number in her call log saved as a contact. It picked up on the second ring. Hannah waited for the other person to speak before she did.
‘I’m here. Talk.’
‘It’s me,’ she said quietly. ‘I’m good. Still job hunting. Any news?’
They kept it short, not wanting to have the calls tracked. Kate’s idea. In case things got bad. Hannah teased that she’d watched too much true crime, but she’d agreed anyway.
‘Nothing official. I heard he’s taken some time off work.’ One of her college friends worked in the same company as Victor. Kate delivered his twins last year, so he owed her a favour. ‘He’s telling the office you’re all going away on holiday.’
Hannah’s breath caught. She ran her fingers over the back of Ava’s head, the soft downy hair was growing fast. She was looking like a real little person now, growing out of her babyhood.
‘He’s looking then. I had a couple of people staring my way the other day; a woman thought she knew me … It was a misunderstanding, but it made me think. You seen anything weird?’
‘No, nothing. As far as I can tell, he’s playing it off as happy families. I can’t see why he’d do anything else round here. Putting flyers up or calling the police would just serve to contradict himself. You safe?’
Her friend’s voice was strong, but Hannah could still hear the waver behind it.
‘I’m fine. I told you, he won’t go to the police. He’s just going to keep looking. You concentrate on you. Be careful. Time’s up.’ They didn’t want to say goodbye but keeping it short was safer. Safer for Hannah. She didn’t want to break down on the phone.
‘Love you.’
‘Love you.’
The line went dead. Hannah turned the phone off. She wasn’t surprised, but it still filled her with dread to hear it. It’s not like she didn’t know how he would take her leaving. It wasn’t allowed, after all. She knew he wouldn’t phone the police. He knew that she’d already called them. He was in the system, even if they did nothing but make it worse. He wouldn’t risk it. He just planned to take back what he owned.
She felt her throat constrict at the thought of it, that feeling of knowing that there was nothing she could do. It wasn’t an unfamiliar feeling, which made the fear and anxiety far worse to live with. Something’s changed, and now this is my life. That’s what she’d thought for months. Till the line on the stick turned pink. That feeling was far more powerful. She felt it now, looking down at her daughter who was trying to launch herself off her lap in search of the next thing to explore.
‘You listen to me, Ava. We’re going to be just fine, me and you. I’ll see to that.’
Ava’s responding babble made her giggle.
‘I’ll take that as a yes.’