God, he’s a sight for sore eyes. Brody was standing in her doorway, jeans and a shirt on, looking every inch the man she’d recently had a wonderful date with. She really wished she’d checked her appearance before she’d opened the door. It had been one of those hourless days. A never-ending stretch of time that didn’t translate to the clock. She’d microwaved the same coffee four times. The clock hadn’t moved an inch in hours, she was sure of it. Damn, I’m tired.
She hadn’t even checked who was there at the door before opening it, and the thought unnerved her. She needed to get some sleep. Being this tired made her sloppy. But Brody was lit up by the setting sun, looking even hotter than normal. She smiled inwardly at herself. She was thinking about another man in that way again, and that was sleep-deprived with a toddler who had been projecting from both ends. She was making progress. It was unnerving that it was all down to the man in front of her, bringing the real her out again, but she knew if she had learnt anything, it was to trust her gut.
‘I just wanted to check how you were doing. John said Ava wasn’t well. I’ve not heard from you.’ She’d barely been able to keep her eyes open, never mind check her phone.
‘We’re fine now, thank you. Ava picked up a bug from the childminders’. She’s been a bit off, but I think she’s on the mend.’ Thank God. She’d taken the bus with her to the GP. He’d declared it a viral infection. Prescribed fluids, rehydration salts and rest. Calpol for the temperature. Bland food when she was a bit better. It had settled her mind so much. Things like this were going to come up. Kids got sick. She pushed the thought away. She was smart enough to realise that it was just a nasty bug, but she was also a mother and she worried. Even when it was just normal life. Part of life. Ava was mixing with other kids. She’d been having fun just the day before at the Easter egg hunt Martine and Ruby had put on for the kids. Ava and the other children had loved it. Just a shame she’d picked up more than a couple of chocolate eggs.
‘I’m just glad I had a day off from the bookshop. I didn’t want to stress Lola out.’
Ava was silent, her snuffling little snores just audible on the baby monitor. Poor little mite had finally worn herself out and she was sleeping in her cot, her fever having broken. Hopefully the meds would let her get the sleep she needed. Given the time, she’d be up in the night. Hannah was already dreading it. No wonder they used sleep deprivation as a torture device. She would have pretty much agreed to anything, just for a chance to lay her head down in blissful sleep. Just an hour, and she was sure she’d be a new woman. Ha. I told you. Not without me. Without me, you fail. Every. Single. Time. Her helplessness had combined with her fatigue and let his words slip through, she’d noticed. He was wrong though. The doctor said Ava was thriving otherwise. He’d even given her a sticker. Bollocks to you, Victor. I’m doing okay.
‘You look tired.’ Brody offered it up as a statement, and Hannah laughed. Looking down at herself, she saw yesterday’s sweatpants and a stained top, knew her hair was in a very messy bun where she’d tied it up half exhausted that morning. ‘Beautiful too. I just got off work, so I thought I’d come check on you.’
‘Thank you.’ She was still processing the beautiful comment, while her stomach recovered from the flip his words had provoked. ‘You’re so sweet. Sorry if I worried you by being quiet. I’ve just been trying to keep Ava cool. She’s not a good patient.’
‘You don’t have to answer to me. I just wanted to check on you both. I should go. Let you get to sleep.’ Her heart sank. It was nice to see him there. Was it because it was him though? Or was she just overtired, afraid of the shadows? When their eyes met, she knew what it was.
She looked past him at the door, and he noticed, moving back to leave. He came to a grinding halt when she reached out and brushed her hand over his. ‘Don’t leave. I wasn’t looking at the door for that.’ I was double-checking for a shadow that isn’t there. I don’t want you curled in the fog too. He turned to look at her, planting his feet right in front of hers now. Looking down at her, he slowly moved his hand to hold hers, stroking her thumb with his. Just once. She looked down at their joined hands, and slowly back up to him. The force of feelings that cascaded over her when their eyes met almost took her breath away.
‘Come in for a while?’ she asked him softly. He nodded, just once, and she closed the door behind them both.
‘I have wine, if you like? Or coffee?’
‘Wine would be nice. I would have to leave my car here though, so better not.’
Hannah considered this, but he wasn’t in his police car, blue lights blazing and sirens blaring. A car outside her house would make it look less empty. She knew it was more than her heart talking when she replied.
‘You can leave it here.’ Another thought struck her. ‘Although, there might be questions in this place. I’ve noticed Leadsham is a little close-knit. Wagging tongues and all that.’
‘I’m pretty sure those tongues have been wagging a while.’ He sounded amused by this.
He was only a couple of small steps away from her, but she still saw him glancing down at her body. She knew she looked ratty, but the expression on his face was far from disgust. He noticed her looking and cleared his throat, averting his gaze. Ever the silent gent.
‘Let them talk,’ he said, throwing her an easy smile that made her stomach flip. She led him through to the lounge, checking the baby monitor screen sitting on the coffee table. He took a seat in front of it, leaning forward to look closer.
‘She’s adorable. Fast asleep I see.’
Hannah remembered the night before, and the sheer exhaustion she’d endured. ‘She looks like an angel, but she was a little bugger last night. I tried everything from pleading with her to playing whale songs at full blast. The parenting books I read are all useless with stuff like this. I want to throttle each and every author.’
He said nothing for a second, and then burst into laughter. She looked at him bemused.
‘Sorry. Too much? I am a tad tired.’
‘No, not that. I like your … fire. You speak your mind.’
She was about to correct him, to demur, but she stopped herself. Having looked away, she looked back to realise that he’d seen the changing expressions on her face before the shields had clanged back tight.
‘I’ll get the wine.’
She practically ran to the kitchen, gripping the worktop to catch her breath. Idiot. You can’t flip out over every comment. He is not HIM. She had always spoken her mind before HIM. Trying to do it after was not so easy. She had the spark; she knew it had got her this far. It just kept bloody shorting out, often at the worst possible moments. She panicked after, as if her body was waiting for the punishment. He’s not here. Be you. Live! There had been many moments with the man standing before her. Too many to ignore. Too many to want to ignore. She grabbed the wine bottle out of the fridge, and kicking it shut with her foot, she reached for two wine glasses and turned to face the music. He was standing, filling the doorway. She hadn’t heard his feet hit the lino.
‘What did I say?’ His voice was gentle. Just like always. ‘I saw your face, Hannah. You practically ran from the conversation. Tell me?’
He didn’t move an inch. She came to him.
‘Nothing.’ She made a move to leave, and he stepped aside immediately.
‘I should go.’
‘What?’ She’d only just put the contents of her arms down on the coffee table, and he was leaving. ‘You don’t have to go. I don’t want you to.’
He studied her face for so long she wanted to look away, but he nodded once. He took the same seat on the sofa, and Hannah sat next to him. It was only a two-seater affair, and he took up most of it.
‘Ava over the worst?’ He nodded towards the baby monitor, and the tension in the air popped. He poured the wine out without being asked, and she told him about Ava’s virus, the GP visit.
‘Poor Ava. It’s par for the course I think when they mix with other kids. I have caught the odd bug visiting schools with Bullet.’
‘Yeah, so I’ve heard from the other mothers. She has led a bit of a sheltered life up to now. Where is Bullet tonight?’
‘He’s tucked up at home, watching the box.’
She laughed, taking the first sip of wine and letting it sink into her tired bones. ‘Oh that’s good.’
‘Looked like you needed it.’
‘Yeah, it’s been a while since I indulged. Thanks for coming to check on me.’
‘Any time. You eaten?’
Hannah blinked at him, bleary-eyed, and he reached for his phone.
‘If you have to think about it, the answer’s no. I’m famished. Chinese?’
Brody rose to answer the door when the takeaway arrived, and she didn’t move to stop him. He went straight into the kitchen, and she could hear him opening cupboards.
‘I can do that,’ she called.
‘I’ve got it. You. Sit.’
She did as she was told. She was cradling her second glass of wine, the movie DVD they had picked on pause. It was some comedy romance, something light, slapstick. She hadn’t been paying much attention. The heat from his body, sitting so close to her, was making her feel relaxed, sleepy even. They hadn’t talked much, not that Brody was an excessive talker anyway. It wasn’t awkward though, and the initial dancing around each other was getting less and less at each meeting. It was getting more charged though. Deeper. With each time, she learnt more about him, and found herself wanting to know more. The question game wasn’t so annoying after all.
‘You ready for this? I think I may have over-ordered.’ He walked in with his arms full. There was a huge amount of food there for only two people, but Hannah’s stomach rumbled at the sight. He set out several steaming dishes, spreading them out on the rest of the coffee table space, and returned to the kitchen for cutlery. The pair of them tucked in till they were full, pointing at cartons and urging the other to try a bit.
‘Well, that was lush.’ Hannah sat back, patting her food baby of a stomach. ‘I’m stuffed.’
‘You did some damage. I thought you were going to rip my finger off for the last prawn cracker.’
She narrowed her eyes at him, laughing. ‘I regret nothing. Thank you. Really, this was great. I owe you a meal.’
‘I’ll hold you to that. Next Saturday? I’m on an early shift. I figured we could ask John to babysit, go a bit further afield?’
Hannah wanted to say yes, but she was getting deeper into this every time she saw him. There would be so many more things that would come between them, when she couldn’t do anything. She was free, but still trapped in limbo.
She had Ava to think about, and everyone she cared for here. If she was seen by someone who knew her and Victor before, then that would make it harder. She had had a life, before Victor siphoned it off slowly. Leaving only him at the bottom of the empty shell. Here she could have a life again. And Ava loved it here. She was going to go to school and be a normal kid. Not have to worry about what would happen that night at home. Hannah wanted unicorns and fun and everything for that girl. She wanted to be the old her; start a proper, full life. But she couldn’t have everything. That was the price of the freedom she had now. Hiding and living. Safe.
‘I don’t think I can. Andrew …’
‘I like it when you call me Andrew. No one really does. It’s Brody and Bullet normally, but hearing you say it, it’s different. Listen.’ He put down his plate, wiping himself down with the napkin and reaching for her. He stilled when his fingers almost met hers, and then he claimed her hand. ‘There’s a drive-through movie theatre about thirty miles from here. A farmer friend of mine runs it. It’s not well advertised. It’s basically a big screen and a huge field. I’ll drive, in my car.’ His jaw flexed when he saw her shaking her head.
The idea of a cosy drive-through night under the stars with Brody meant that it took her a good minute to catch up with the rest of his words. Now in her head, he was sitting behind them, watching the movie from the back seat and sneering. She shuddered, and Brody’s hold tightened just a touch. ‘Think about it. Let me know. If it’s not your thing, we can pick something else to do. Is there a reason why you don’t fancy it?’
‘Why is it so important, to know everything all the time?’
‘Well, it helps to know some things. Especially if I’m trying to date a woman I like. Dating is involved. That means going places. I just want to do something you like. Give me a hint.’
‘You don’t need to study me. I’m not one of your suspects.’
‘For God’s sake, Hannah, I never meant …’
‘Look, can we just drop it? I can’t go.’
‘Sorry. Forget I – hang on …’ He looked agitated, and Hannah steeled herself for his anger exploding. It didn’t happen. ‘I don’t really know what I’m apologising for. I just want to take you out.’ He ran his fingers through his thick locks. He’s hurt, she realised with a pang. She was upsetting this wonderful, caring and gentle giant of a man. A man who she hadn’t expected to meet. She hadn’t expected to care either. She owed him some truths, she knew. It was always going to come to this, wasn’t it?
‘You haven’t done anything wrong. I just want to stay here. In Leadsham. Going to the same places. I don’t need an adventure, Andrew.’ She motioned around her surroundings with her arms wide. ‘I’m barely hanging on as it is.’
His frown was clear. He didn’t agree. The knitting together of his dark brows told her that in no uncertain terms. She tried again. Her hands were knotted together, fingers gripping each other for comfort as she found the words she never wanted to speak. Least of all to him. He noticed her pulling away and wrapped his hand over her knotted fingers.
‘It’s more than that. Ava’s father wasn’t the nicest person.’
Another jaw flex from him, harder this time. He moved his thumb in small circles on her skin.
‘I gathered that much.’
‘I can’t be seen out too many places, till things calm down at least. It’s quiet here. I can live pretty normally.’ It sounded pathetic really, and she knew that it would be hard to keep up the lies, the stupid reasons she couldn’t go anywhere. With the man currently whispering such nice things in her ear.
Hannah. I’m here.
She kept her voice strong, but it wasn’t without effort. ‘It’s complicated, that’s all. Raw still.’
‘Does he plan to see Ava?’
‘No,’ she replied a little too quickly, too forcefully. ‘He doesn’t see her. Not anymore.’
‘Will you tell me his name?’
‘No. I can’t.’
He pressed his lips together before replying. ‘Hannah, you don’t have to worry about what people think. I know Leadsham is a little bit of a goldfish bowl, but the people here mean no harm. I don’t think either of us want to walk away from this. Right?’
‘I just don’t want people to know my business.’ She did before. Several, actually. She’d tried to tell many people. Asked people behind glass screens for help: housing services; the benefit office; the police, even. She’d walked right into the police station, pregnant and black-eyed. Result? Diddly squat. Just more paperwork for the police. It was his word against hers. Injuries didn’t count apparently. They could have been done by anyone, herself even. She’d been online at the library, read stories that had started with hope and ended in hell. A child with no mother. A grave, premature in its inception and utterly avoidable. She didn’t want her story to end like that. No one does, a voice inside her said with authority. No one dreams of living like that. No one deserves that.
‘I just want to live my life, try to forget about the past.’ Kind of hard when the past won’t be put away or ignored, her inner voice mocked. You can’t do this alone. You can’t do anything. She shuddered at the words in her head. It was his voice she heard now, not her own. She shut him out of her head. No thanks. Stay out, Victor. ‘I’m sorry, but that’s all I can do. It’s the life I live, but I don’t want it to be yours too.’
His thumb stopped for a second, like a stutter on her skin. A shudder of a different kind hit her then. A much more unpleasant one. How am I supposed to give him up? The thought rattled around in her head. She’d been asking herself that question for some time. Brody resumed his slow, sensual circles again, and his deep voice filled the silence.
‘Don’t worry about me. I wasn’t asking to quiz you, Han. I would never do that. I meant it, that I’m here, now. I don’t plan on going anywhere either. I like you, Hannah. And Ava, of course. Whatever happened with Ava’s father, that’s not me. It’s not us.’ He broke his intent gaze to flick his eyes to the monitor, where Ava was still fast asleep, the flush on her cheeks less noticeable on the camera screen now. Hannah had not long checked on her, relieved to see she was doing much better, just exhausted from her rampaging the night before. His eyes were back on hers, and she was focused on him once more. The room shrank to that little couch.
‘I don’t want to complicate your life.’ He took her other hand now, again pausing to ask permission once more. Who was this man? Hannah was starting to think he was sent from the heavens, but her gut told her to hold back, just a little. That voice was getting weaker though. Right now, it was little more than a whisper in the wind.
‘I just want you to know that you are safe.’ His low rumbling voice washed over her. ‘With me, you will always be safe.’ The emotion of his declaration of intent was like an electric shock to Hannah’s system. She wasn’t expecting him to say that, but she was bloody glad he had. ‘Besides—’ he raised a brow comically ‘—Bullet has seemingly adopted you two as one of his pack, so between us, we’re good.’
She laughed then, the emotion finally spilling out of her. It didn’t last long though, before she dissolved into tears. ‘I don’t want to cause you any trouble either, Andrew. It would be too hard. I need to stay off the radar.’ His eyes were fixed on hers, and she saw recognition etched on his features. He knew what she meant now. Fully understood. She could see it on his face. He had to have had inklings, given his job. Now he knew. He’d have seen it all on the force.
I wish he’d been in my police station that day. When I arrived, desperate for help. Things might just have been different.
‘Hard, schmard,’ he retorted after a pause long enough to make her palms sweat as she waited. ‘We don’t have to go anywhere you don’t want to. I would never put you at risk. I just want to spend time with you, that’s all. No pressure. Just two people, getting to know each other. The job won’t come into it either.’
‘It will, if he finds me. I need my life here to work. I can’t go backwards.’ She took a breath. ‘He could find me. I’d have to run. If that happens, Ava and I will be gone, and I won’t be able to say goodbye. No going backwards.’
She looked away, considering the remnant of their night together. She’d told him as much as she wanted to, as much as she could. Kate’s safety relied on her keeping her mouth shut too. She’d helped a patient; she’d plotted to help Hannah escape. Given her money. She had too much on the line, and Brody’s job did affect this. He loved his job, his life with Bullet. Hannah didn’t want to take the man in front of her down with her, but she didn’t want to break her own heart either. She already felt far more than she should, and she needed to keep a clear head. She wanted to be honest and give him an out too. She just didn’t know why he would want to get involved in all this, for a single mother scraping away a life. What did she have to offer him, really? She still had PTSD from her last relationship, and the debris of that was still scattered across her daily life. Causing obstacles, some insurmountable to her.
‘It won’t come to that. Don’t leave. No goodbyes, okay? Promise me.’
He released one of her hands to offer a handshake, and she wiped her eyes. She didn’t realise that she’d been crying quite so much.
‘I think you need to think about it.’
‘I have.’
‘Properly.’
‘I have.’
‘You can’t have. I only just told you.’
‘You don’t trust me now?’
He said it lightly, but she knew that he wanted a true answer to her question. She thought for a moment before answering. She already knew the answer, but it came from her gut. That took a second to get over. Progress, progress. You do trust him, possibly more than you ever have a person other than Kate.
‘I trust you.’
‘Then the answer is still the same.’
‘Why?’
‘Because I want to date you, and none of what you told me puts me off. In fact, I like you even more for it. You’re stronger than you think, Hannah. I just want to make you smile, that’s all.’ He blushed a little then, and she grinned at him.
‘You’re pretty goofy when you want to be. Cute too.’ She was teasing him now, but only to try to dampen down the urge to kiss his face off.
‘You make me like this,’ he groaned, reaching for his wine. It was empty. ‘Oops, two glasses down.’
‘One more?’ she asked. She didn’t want him to leave. He flicked his gaze to his watch and nodded. She poured them both a glass, and he held out his hand again.
‘Before we drink this, we still need to shake on it.’ The green flecks in his eyes were emerald tonight, she noticed. ‘Hannah, promise me. No running, okay? You come to me. And not to say goodbye.’ His jaw flexed with the conviction of his words. He was begging her with his eyes to agree. She wanted to, so much. Selfish. She was being selfish, but she would rather hate herself for that than lose him now. He was too important to her.
She gave him a look but put her hand into his. He shook it once but didn’t let it go.
‘I have a condition.’
‘Underhanded,’ she retorted.
‘Necessary,’ he countered. ‘Ready?’
‘Go on.’
‘My condition is that you tell me what you can, when you need to. It doesn’t have to involve the job – that is your call. I can just be Andrew, but I would like to know that the mother I’m dating – and her child – are happy. If you’re not happy, I need to know. Deal?’
He was rubbing his forefinger along her wrist, which was very distracting. When she looked at him, she saw his brow arch devilishly. It made him even hotter. She put the wine glass almost to her lips, narrowing her eyes back at him.
‘Deal.’ She took a sip of the wine, not taking her eyes from his. He took a deep gulp himself. Moving her hand to hold his, she reached for the remote. The film was long over, but she flicked onto the image of another one they had talked about earlier. ‘Fancy this? You don’t have to stay till the end.’
He wrapped his arm around her, snuggling her in closer to him.
‘I’ll be here. Put it on.’