‘You finally came!’
A group of mums sitting on the floor turned their heads to look at Hannah as she walked through the doors of the community centre. Ava was in her arms, the changing bag hanging heavy on the other hip.
‘Er … yeah.’ Hannah walked over to a table at the back, where Martine and Ruby were busy making drinks in reusable lidded cups. As ever, the two of them were happy being busy. Kids all around them. Ruby tapped Martine on the arm.
‘Sorry, she didn’t mean to announce you to the room then. We’re so glad you came though!’
Ava was in her arms, but having seen her friends from the childminders’ there, she tried to make a break for it.
‘Okay, little wiggler.’ Hannah went to sit her down with the others on the playmat, settling her with a cushion behind her. She was far more mobile these days. She’d been walking for the last few days, and Hannah had recorded it for posterity on her phone. She’d sent it to Kate, but her exuberant text back wasn’t the same as seeing her face. Going back to where Ruby and Martine were stood, she realised that she could share the joy with them.
She hadn’t mentioned it to Brody. He was on shift a lot, and she hadn’t seen him since the movie night. That night, she’d woken up on the couch, covered with a blanket. He’d locked up and posted the key through the door. She didn’t feel like she could just ring him and tell him about Ava’s walking. He’d only met her a handful of times, and she didn’t want to vomit baby news at him. Whatever they were now, they were dating, and she wanted to take it slow. He wasn’t some kind of daddy replacement for Ava either. She owed it to her to introduce her to people she really trusted and cared about. It occurred to her in that moment that she might not have made the worst strides in that direction. It was nice here at the toddler group; it felt normal. Life in all its simplicity before her.
‘Did you have a nice weekend?’
Ruby handed her a cup of coffee, and she took it with a smile.
‘Quiet thanks, I had the weekend off so I got on with some jobs, went to the park with Ava. She’s walking now you know. Only a few steps, but still.’
‘No way!’ Martine half screamed in delight. ‘Gutted we missed that, but so glad you saw it! You can’t beat these milestones.’
‘I got it on video, pure luck.’ The two women looked at her expectantly.
‘Show us then!’
Seconds later, they were all crowding around Hannah’s phone, watching Ava on the screen.
‘Oh my God, you’re going to need some safety gates at yours now!’
Hannah groaned at the thought of the expense, but she didn’t let it show. She was slowly running out of savings, even though she was only buying the bare minimum of what they needed. She still had furniture bits to save for, and Ava was going to need more clothes, more equipment …
‘We’ve got some spares in the garage, if you need them. We keep a few sets around.’
‘Oh no … I—’
Ruby silenced her with a look. ‘Listen, we don’t need them. You do. You can give them back when you’re done. We pass them on to the next mum.’
Martine nodded her head as she rammed a chocolate cookie into her mouth. ‘Mm, true.’
‘We all tend to swap stuff about. I have a tonne of bagged baby clothes too, if you want a look.’
‘Thanks, but I can go buy that stuff.’ Hannah didn’t want to feel like a charity case.
‘Give over. Listen, when we came to town, we didn’t have much. We were newly together, trying for a baby, new house, new jobs. It takes a village, and Leadsham is good at looking after its own. No point spending money when you don’t have to, and if you want to donate Ava’s baby stuff to make you feel better, we can pass it back on with the rest.’
They all fell silent as the video came to an end, Ava comically moving across Hannah’s lounge, laughing. Just as it ended, a text message notification came up on the screen.
Hi, hope you and Ava are having fun at the group. Call you later.
He’d signed it off with a policeman and dog emoji, making her laugh.
‘Is that Brody?’
Martine gave Ruby a look over Hannah’s head and Hannah blushed furiously.
‘Er … yes?’
‘Nice! You’re getting on well then!’ Ruby clapped her hands with glee.
‘I told you! Hey, Kenzie, let’s not do that.’ She headed off to wrangle a couple of the children, who were in the play kitchen fighting over a plastic frying pan. Kenzie had already hit the other one around the head with a fabric cauliflower, and things were escalating fast.
Martine put her arm around Hannah’s shoulder and pulled her away to sit on one of the seats placed on the outer sides of the room. Once they were sat cradling their coffees, Martine turned to her.
‘Sorry about Ruby. She’s a bit much sometimes. We’re all just a bit excited, I think. Brody is one of the eligible bachelors of Leadsham, and although we don’t have a horse in the race, it has been nice seeing him so happy.’
‘Do people know?’
Martine rolled her eyes. ‘Of course, this is Leadsham. The villagers around here are a surprisingly romantic bunch.’
Hannah couldn’t see the funny side of things. All she could think about was the attention.
‘The more I see of Leadsham, the more I believe you.’
‘You don’t seem too happy about that. Everything okay?’
Hannah looked at Ava, who was busy now with Ruby in a singing game. Ava was sitting clapping her hands in time to the music with some of the other mums and tots.
‘I just don’t want things to get so complicated. I have Ava to think of.’
‘Brody is great with kids though. I wouldn’t worry, and as for the gossip, it will die down.’
Hannah smiled at her friend, but it didn’t come across as more than an awkward grimace.
‘Sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you.’
‘No, you haven’t upset me, it’s fine.’ Hannah tried to reassure her new friend. ‘It’s just a while since I’ve been in this situation.’
‘Dating a hot policeman who clearly likes you? I can imagine the hardship.’ The two women burst into laughter when their eyes met. Hannah’s anxiety subsided. ‘Seriously though, we are here for you, for babysitting. Go and have some fun! Don’t worry about a bit of interest from the locals; they are harmless.’
Hannah thought of John, Lola, and the two friends in Ruby and Martine she had made here. As they dragged her over and involved her in the singsong, she relaxed and chatted with the other mums. Soon, they were all laughing and playing with their kids, all awkward questions forgotten for the moment.
She was walking through the park later on, Ava in her pram, when she sat down on the bench to text Brody. He was back on a big case, pulling lots of overtime in when necessary, so they had only had a few texts between them for the last week or so. He always checked in with her, and always asked about Ava. It made her think that perhaps she should make a bit of an effort, cheer him up.
Playgroup went well. Gossip mill is still grinding. Hope you and Bullet are not too fed up.
He texted back within seconds.
Bullet is bored in the car, and I’m trying to eat my lunch without his dog breath over my shoulder. You two girls made any friends?
Ava loved the toys more than the other kids to be honest. Nice people there. She had made some friends, and some of the mums had babies the same age. They would all be going up into school together, and it was weird to think that Ava might have some of her future best friends in this room. It made her heart glad to think of it. Bit by bit, Hannah’s friends had fallen away when they’d had enough of Victor, who made it his mission to make them feel uncomfortable. Like they were in the way. He was perfectly cordial, friendly even, but getting to go on nights out was hard, and then impossible. Having no real family to speak of, it had made her world small. Smaller than it was now. Aside from missing Kate, she was really glad she’d taken the plunge today.
Independent lady eh? What are you up to tonight? I was thinking I might cook for you. At my house.
Hannah silenced a wailing Ava by passing her a juice box. Her little cheeks were sweaty from her exertions at group, and she was getting tired and irritable. Hannah read the text over and over. She found herself curious, but she knew it wasn’t going to happen. Lola and John were great looking after Ava, but she didn’t want to put on them too much. They had enough of their own going on, and she valued their friendship.
No sitter, sorry. Another time?
Bring Ava with you. You can both stay over. I have a spare room, remember?
Shit. What was she going to say now?
Don’t overthink this, Hannah. I will only seduce you with my cordon bleu skills, I promise. Say six o’clock, before Ava goes to bed?
Ava chose that moment to wang her empty juice box onto the grass, already crushed by her little fists. Hannah laughed, leaning in close to her daughter’s face.
‘What are you doing, litter bug?’ Her eyes fell on the little dog toy that Ava had kept by her side since Brody had left it for her. ‘What do you think, shall we go and see Bullet tonight? Have a sleepover?’
Ava babbled away back at her, and she took that as a yes. She was here to have a life after all. What was the alternative, sitting at home alone like so many other nights? Not a chance.
Do you want me to bring anything?
Just what you need for the night. The food is on me. See you later.
Putting her phone away, she took the pram handles in her hands and floated all the way home. She had a bit of packing to do.
See you soon x
She’d put a kiss at the end of her text, and Brody’s heart leaped. She was in.
‘Well, that was easier than I thought.’ He spoke to Bullet, who was sitting next to him as they waited to be called. They were on duty with the drug task force, working on a small operation in Leeds. Another one of Big Phil’s legacies getting ripped apart. ‘Looks like we have some houseguests for the evening. You had better be on your best behaviour.’
Bullet huffed in his throat. Brody gave him a warning look in between quick bites of his lunch.
‘I mean it. No bachelor pad moves. No licking your junk in public. No farting.’
Bullet let out a low howl, making Brody laugh.
‘Listen, we need this to work. I need a wingman. You in, or you spending the night in the kennel?’
Bullet turned his head to one side, as though weighing his options up. When Brody held his fist out, Bullet bumped it with his paw.
‘Good man.’ He saw the signal from the officers outside, and his heart thumped with adrenaline. ‘Time to go to work. We need to get off shift on time for once. It’s go time, Bullet.’
He opened the doors, and the two of them headed out, all attention turned to the job in hand. As Bullet signalled he’d found something on the second floor they’d searched, Brody couldn’t believe his luck. ‘Good boy, Bullet! That’s the spirit.’ It looked like his wingman was on the same page, and he couldn’t wait to see Hannah. The two of them cracked on, the adrenaline fuelling their urgency.
Walking down her street, pram and bags in tow, Hannah’s heart beat a little faster with every step closer to Brody. The evening air was brisk, but not too cold, the heat of the sun slowly fading from the air around her. It was wonderful not to have the dark nights anymore, but she was aware that she was in full view of the house windows she passed. She wondered what she looked like to her unseen neighbours. Did she look like a woman in control? She found herself wishing she was a different person again. She often did it. The What-If game. What if I’d been a better girlfriend? Wife? Mother? What if I’d have said no, all those times Victor chased me for a date. What if I’d just run the other way. What if. What if. Fucking what if. What if he hadn’t been a total bastard. What if she’d realised he was in the wrong, and it was nothing she’d done or said, or didn’t do. What if indeed. What if Brody was different, like she thought? Like everyone around her seemed to believe about him, about them. Hell, about this place.
She caught sight of her side profile as she passed a parked car, and she realised something. She wasn’t about what-ifs tonight. She was doing it. It bolstered her steps down the street. She was a free woman tonight. The what-ifs were up to her, and she shoved them aside.
Ava was wide awake but settled enough, dressed in a pair of fresh pyjamas after her bath. She was wide-eyed, looking all around her at everything her little eyes could take in. Hannah had brushed her tufts of hair back off her face, made sure she was warm enough for the short walk in the evening air. Her hair was starting to grow long enough to tie back, and Hannah had an abstract vision of her float into her head. Ava, more grown than she was right now. Long-haired, laughing. Dressed in school uniform, leaving her hand behind and heading into the school gates. She was growing fast, becoming more of her own person and less of a reminder of him as time went on. She saw her own parents in her child’s face sometimes, the odd look that her dad would have given. The little dainty hand movements Ava made that made her think of her mother’s, always soft and gentle.
She pushed away the pang every time that they never got the chance to see her, even once. She was glad that they were spared from the rest. It might have been different then though and, given her current destination, she couldn’t quite bring herself to dwell on the pointless what-ifs. She shook her styled red hair out and focused on the night ahead.
Her steps gave her away as she trudged along the silent street, the odd bark or clang of a bin showing that rural civilisation was still ticking away around her. The methodical squeak of the pram wheel. As Brody’s house came up overhead, Hannah’s steps quickened. It looked different to what she remembered, although it was just the outside of a house. It wasn’t about to have a big blue flashing light on the top or look like a monster’s mansion. Monsters lived behind all kinds of doors, but his house was homely. The garden was neat, a couple of dog toys scattered on the short grass. The porch light was on, and she could see that the bay window curtains were open. There was an unlit lamp in the corner of the room, the walls painted dove grey.
She took in everything she could before she got to the gate, distracting herself from her nerves. She’d spent two nights here. It wasn’t the house; it was the night ahead. Her stomach was full of butterflies. She heard the front door open as she looked down to put the brake on.
‘Hi.’ His voice, as deep and sexy as ever.
He jogged down the path, a waft of aftershave floating past her in his wake and making her want to lean in closer for a better sniff test. Opening the gate, he took the bag from her arm and putting one hand on the pram, they both walked up the path together. She wasn’t small by any means, but she always found herself taking in his size when they met. Sometimes, just for a second, it still unnerved her. It was getting less and less the more she was around him. She was curious about his body much more than she feared it for those split seconds of time. That was just a remnant of the old her.
‘You okay?’ he asked, and she felt his eyes on hers. ‘And how about you, Miss Ava? How are you feeling tonight?’
Ava babbled away back to him, reaching out for her chubby fingers to get to him. He held out his hand palm up, and she placed her little hand in his. He pretended to shake her hand gently, and Ava laughed at him hysterically. ‘Pleased to formally meet you both for dinner this evening. We trust our accommodations will be to your liking, Princess.’ As he spoke, he projected in a funny voice, like a posh butler, and pulled theatrical Jim Carrey faces at her. Ava thought the whole thing was very entertaining, and she was still cackling with high-pitched, adorable laughter as he lifted her pram and ushered them both into his home. Bullet was nowhere to be seen, but she could hear an exuberant bark, followed by some pitiful whining.
‘Bullet,’ Brody shushed him with one word. A gentle word, for Ava’s ears, but spoken with the authority he commanded to all those around him. Hannah was standing there in his hallway, wondering what the hell she’d just witnessed. As he took no time in putting the bag down, and fussing around Ava, she thought that her daughter might have just been charmed by this man. Just as charmed as she was.
‘I’m glad you came.’ He was in front of her now, Ava putty in his arms, the pram folded away and put in a hall closet by Brody. They both had daft grins on their faces, but his face fell as soon as he saw Hannah’s. ‘What’s wrong? You okay?’ He looked to Ava, as if to check her for sudden injuries or upset, and back at her. ‘Sorry. Did I overstep?’ He held Ava out to her. She took her from him, much to Ava’s chagrin, and reached to take his hand in hers.
‘No, you didn’t. I just … that was nice. Thanks for the help.’
He pulled her in close, wrapping his arms around them both. Ava laughed, reaching for his face and giving his dark hair a good yank. He took it in his stride, pulling a funny face at her before pulling Hannah just that little bit closer.
‘Come on then,’ he said, leading the way down the hallway. ‘I’ve set the spare room up for you both.’ There was a series of muted thuds coming from the back of the house, and Brody rolled his eyes. ‘And Bullet wants to say hello. That okay?’
‘I think Ava would insist too.’
He walked into the kitchen, and Hannah noticed for the first time how welcoming it was. A modern, light kitchen like she recalled, with the smell of garlic and herbs wafting around her. On the kitchen island, there were two plates set, complete with wine glasses, napkins, the works. It looked like a photoshoot compared to her mismatched second-hand crockery and dated kitchen.
‘Wow, this looks nice.’ Nice was an understatement. It looked so lovely, so romantic. She didn’t quite know where to put herself. ‘You didn’t have to go to so much trouble.’
‘It’s nothing, really. I like to cook, but there’s never that much point just for me. It’s only lasagne and salad. Ready soon. I thought you might like to put Ava down first.’ He opened the back door, and Bullet was sitting there waiting. ‘Come on then, boy. Careful now.’ He pointed to Ava, as though warning the dog that they had a child in the house. He needn’t have worried of course. As soon as Ava clapped eyes on the hound she went nuts in Hannah’s arms. The four of them played in the kitchen for a while, laughing at Ava’s infectious giggle every time Bullet did something to make her laugh. For a highly trained animal, he was quite easy to wrap round Ava’s fingers. He followed her around the kitchen from a distance when she started walking clumsily around.
‘She’s walking now? No way!’
Brody was clapping for Ava as she crawled towards him, Bullet in tow. When she got to him he picked her up and held her high in the air, twirling her around and telling her how clever she was. Hannah once again found herself watching this little family tableau, wondering to herself how this had happened. When she’d pictured her new life, she’d imagined just raising her daughter, scraping by to get her daughter through the early years. Hiding, and spending her life alone, just the two of them. Now, she felt like she’d found a home. It scared the shit out of her.
Looking at Brody, who was now chatting away to her daughter as he carried her around the kitchen, checking on the food, her heart felt like it was going to explode. Was this what other families had every day? She’d never really had it before. It made her heart hurt and pump with joy at the same time. Luckily, Ava soon showed signs of being tired, rubbing her eyes and yawning. She was knackered already from her day. Hannah felt a bit mean for feeling grateful, but then she stopped herself. She was a good mum, and she deserved to have a nice meal with adult company. She stopped the familiar voice in her head from speaking at all. She was about done listening. She wouldn’t entertain it tonight. She could shut it out for one night.
‘She’s getting tired.’
Brody got up from the floor and nodded towards the staircase.
‘I’ll show you to the room. Dinner will be ready when you are.’
She followed him up the stairs, passing his bedroom and into the spare room. On the other side of the landing was another bedroom and a large bathroom. It was all neat as usual, nicely decorated in homely tones. It screamed of Brody. There were photos on the wall of him with his friends, his sister, but mostly they were of him and Bullet. On the wall in the spare room was a photo of the pair of them dressed as clowns, Bullet clutching a charity bucket in his mouth. She’d looked at them when she’d looked after him. She liked the feel of his house. It wasn’t showy, or too masculine. She looked at the clown photo. She liked this one the best. It showed his fun side, the one he usually kept hidden behind his persona to many. He caught her eyeing it and blushed.
‘It was a charity drive for the local children’s centre.’
Hannah nodded at him, an amused expression playing across her features.
‘I really like the red nose.’
‘Sexy, eh?’
He blushed again.
‘Yes, oddly,’ she countered, her eyes on him. Ava squirmed in her arms, half drowsy with sleep, and the moment was gone. He reached under the bed and pulled out a travel cot. When she looked at him aghast, he shrugged.
‘I borrowed it from John. I was a bit worried about her falling out of bed.’
Hannah had been wondering about that herself, now that Ava was even more mobile than the last time they’d stayed. Worrying that she couldn’t be contained by a pillow barricade anymore. The memory of her sleeping on blankets on the floor when they’d first arrived in Leadsham was still a fresh wound. This isn’t like that. That won’t happen again.
‘You didn’t have to do that. But thanks.’ She was half choked from speaking. It was so thoughtful.
‘Of course I did. I’ll leave you to it.’ He leaned down closer and Hannah stopped breathing. His face was so close to hers, closer … closer. She could smell his aftershave, and it didn’t do anything to quell the butterflies somersaulting around in her gut. He dropped a kiss on Ava’s forehead. ‘Night, little one. Sweet dreams.’ He pulled away and smiled at Hannah. A real panty dropper of a smile that had her watching him as he padded down the stairs in his socked feet. For such a big man, he really was the gentlest person she’d met. She thought again of the phrase ‘gentle giant’ that she’d read about so much in books. It had left her cold before, and often mad at the authors. The giant she’d known before, though not as big as Brody, was anything but gentle. Bullish at best. Hellish at worst. Stop comparing. There is no comparison.
Once the travel cot was up and she was snuggled in, Ava was out like a light. When Hannah had made up the cot, she’d noticed that the sheet, which was wrapped in a plastic covering, had a receipt stuck to the back. Bought that very afternoon. Hannah was about to hide the receipt under the cot, pretend she hadn’t seen it, but she picked it up to take it downstairs instead. Little lies turned into big ones. What would be the point? Did she want him to know she knew? That she wasn’t dumb, or blindly trusting? Jesus, this wasn’t her. She shook off the dusty thoughts. He’d done a kind thing for his guest and her daughter. She’d already sentenced him for being modest. Understated in his help, like always. She needed to lighten up. She laughed under her breath. Ava snored at that moment, a little contented shuddery snuffle. She smiled and headed down to him.
‘So, John had the travel cot ready for the baby? That was lucky, on such short notice.’
He was sitting at the island, backwards on the stool. He had a bottle of beer in his hand, his long-sleeved navy-blue T-shirt rolled up his arms. His forearm went taut as he lifted the bottle to his lips. He took a long swallow. Bullet’s head whipped to one side, an ‘errr’ sound erupting from his snout.
‘I know, I’m answering.’ He side-eyed the dog, and stood up, walking over to Hannah. ‘He took your side. Rat.’ He scowled comically at Bullet, who countered with a short bark and a paw over one eye. Brody chuckled, and turning back to her. He stopped. His eyes were straight on hers, and she noticed how long and dark his lashes were. A girl would kill for lashes like those. They looked good on him. They softened the harder planes. His expression was serious now, and she was about to ask him what he was thinking, when he leaned in. Just that little bit closer, and he brushed his lips over hers. From side to side, the barest little touches across her skin. Her lips parted, and he closed the distance between them. He kissed her softly, drawing his arms around her.
The beer bottle brushed down her arm, sending a chill through her as he held her tighter to him. She was in the air then, twirling around. He set her down on the stool without breaking any contact between their lips. Once he was satisfied that she was settled safely, he pulled away. ‘Sorry, but I had to do that. I’ve been waiting too long between kisses.’ She smirked, pleased he felt that way. ‘Plus, I didn’t want you to freak out. I bought the stuff for Ava today. I wanted her to be comfortable. I’m not presuming anything, but I thought you might …’
‘Freak out on you? I might, if that’s what you’ll do to stop it.’
His jaw flexed, just for a second. His lips were on hers again now, more fervent this time. She kissed him right back, and she felt his muscles, tight. He was tensed up, and she wanted to stop whatever it was. He pulled away again, and took a seat next to her, moving her to face him.
‘You can freak out on me as much as you want, I’m not going anywhere. I just didn’t want you to think I was presuming anything, about you or Ava, or us. I just wanted you both to feel at home.’ His jaw flexed again. ‘Not that I’m saying it’s your home, well … of course I want you to feel at home, but I’m not implying—’
She kissed him this time. To silence him. For a man she once thought rather sullen and burly, he was jabbering away like a schoolboy talking to a first crush. He was a daft idiot when he was like this, and she loved it.
She reached for his hands, which were now cupped around her face, and took them in hers.
‘That was to shut you up and say thank you.’
His smile told her that she was welcome. ‘It was nothing, really. The opposite of that kiss.’ She blushed, but she didn’t look away.
‘I don’t think we know what we’re getting into here.’
‘I do.’
‘You don’t,’ she warned.
‘Well, I know what you want me to know. The rest doesn’t matter.’
‘It will one day.’
‘Perhaps, but I could get hit by a bus tomorrow.’
‘Well, that’s comforting to hear.’
He laughed. ‘I just mean I’m not about to start worrying about something that might happen. If it does, nothing changes between us, unless you want it to.’ He suddenly stood up, running to the oven. ‘Shit! The lasagne!’