How to Market a Vampire Book

Jackie burst through the front door and tossed a bunch of packages on the dining room table.

“Oof!” she groaned. “Marketing a book is so hard, especially one about vampires. Next time, Darius, please remind me to pack some food. I didn’t realize I’d be at Comic-Con for eight hours! When it was over, I was so hungry I almost ate that little guy dressed as a chicken.”

“Cluck-cluck,” laughed Darius and gave his wife a kiss on the lips. He knew how stressful these events were and how cranky she got when she was hangry. “Shall I make your favorite sandwich?” he asked.

Darius walked into the kitchen and began pulling ingredients out of the refrigerator. He prepared his sandwiches with turkey, tomato, and avocado, but it was his grandmother’s secret sauce that had caused Jackie to dub it the Darius Delight.

“That sounds great,” Jackie said as she flopped down at the dining room table. She kicked off her shoes and began directing her husband. “I want extra sauce, and don’t be stingy with the avocado. I know it’s expensive, but I actually made some money today.”

Darius ran into the room and pumped his fist in the air. “Yes! Tell me everything.”

Jackie grinned and began singing Celebration by Kool and the Gang. She danced over to the wine rack, pulled out their best bottle of red, and poured herself a generous serving. With glass in hand, she stood up on her chair and announced, “I sold two hundred and eighty-two books today. Two hundred and eighty-two!” She raised her glass in victory, dripping wine all over the floor.

“I do believe,” Darius said, “that this calls for the greatest sandwich ever.”

He went back into the kitchen and breathed a huge sigh of relief. Often, after an unsuccessful day of marketing, Jackie would return home depressed and mopey. He finished preparing the food, garnished the plate with fresh basil, and brought it to the table. He bowed to her as if she were royalty, and waved his arm. “Please, madam, begin your tale of success.”

Jackie held up a finger and took three giant bites of her sandwich. With liquidy green secret sauce dripping down her chin, she launched into her story. “First of all, Comic-Con was the perfect venue to sell My Husband the Vampire,” she said, referring to her book. “I don’t know why I didn’t think of it sooner.”

Darius’s face turned red. It took everything he had not to say I told you so, but after ten years of marriage, he knew to keep his mouth shut.

Jackie looked Darius in the eye as if daring him to say it. Satisfied at his restraint, she gushed, “People were really interested in my book, and the manager let me give a brief presentation at the top of each hour. He actually gave me a microphone.” She mopped up some orange sauce with her finger and slowly licked it off. “People were really excited. Can you believe it?”

“Of course I believe it. Your book is funny, it’s entertaining, and who doesn’t love a good vampire story?”

Jackie gazed at her husband and smiled. He was her biggest supporter, and she really loved him for that. Plus, he made the best sandwiches. That secret sauce was awesome.

Jackie took another bite. “Would you believe everybody I signed a book for asked exactly the same question?” Talking about autographs reminded Jackie that her hand was cramped, and she yelled, “Oww!”

In all the excitement, she’d forgotten how stiff it had become and began shaking it in the air.

Darius sat down next to her and gently began massaging her hand. She moaned with pleasure and popped the last crumb of bread into her mouth. When she was finished chewing, she poked her husband in the chest. “Well, don’t you want to know what that question was?”

He smirked. “Was it, ‘Where do you get your ideas from?’ And did you respond by winking and telling them that your husband really is a vampire? Your eye must be tired.”

Jackie scowled. She hated it when Darius read her mind and had asked him a million times to try to act more human. Usually, he was cooperative, but every once in a while, he liked to tease her.

Jackie good-naturedly flicked him on the arm and reached for another wine goblet. “I almost forgot,” she said, grinning. “I stopped by my dad’s hospital on the way home and picked up a special treat for you.” She poured the fluid into his glass. “B+, your favorite.”

Darius smacked his lips and clinked glasses with his wife before gulping down the thick, red liquid. He just loved it when Jackie had a great day.