The Apodalypse
Charlotte’s face lit up when she spotted her two best friends waiting for her at a lunch table at the senior center. She walked over, gave them each a hug, and said, “It’s so good to see you. I missed you guys so much.”
Pearl pulled out the chair for Charlotte, who sat down gingerly, not yet used to her new hip. After arranging her purse and cardigan on the back of her chair, she said, “Please, ladies, fill me in on what’s been happening in the world. My iPhone was stolen in rehab, and I haven’t been able to listen to the news for more than a month. You know how much I hate to be uninformed. It’s been killing me.”
Pearl and Esther looked at each other and smiled. They had some juicy news to share with Charlotte, and they knew exactly how she would react. The three best friends loved a good debate, and Pearl and Esther tingled with excitement in anticipation of the one that was about to begin.
“I’ll start,” Pearl smirked. She looked at her friend and said, “I have one word for you: Apodalypse.”
Charlotte frowned. “You mean apocalypse? Are you having a senior moment?”
“No,” sneered Pearl, offended by what her friend was insinuating. “That is actually what the news media is calling it. The Apodalypse. It’s a stupid name for an even crazier story. Anyway, listen up, because this is a good one. Last month, six of the richest men in the world paid a billion dollars each to take a two-week joy ride into space. A billion dollars to sit in a pod the size of a small recreational vehicle, just so they could call themselves astronauts.” Pearl’s jaw clenched as she continued. “We’re eating this disgusting boxed lunch in a senior center because we can’t survive on our Social Security, and those men paid a billion dollars each for two weeks of fun.”
“Pearl” snapped Charlotte. “Please, let’s not have another diatribe about how the government doesn’t care about senior citizens. We all know how you feel. Just finish the story.”
“Well,” piped in Ester, “Pearl’s not wrong. The government doesn’t care about seniors.” She took a bite of her mealy meatloaf to prove it and threw down her fork. “Yuck!” She turned to Charlotte. “Pearl’s getting too emotional, so I’ll tell the rest of the story. Okay, so while these billionaires were busy having their little fun, their space shuttle got caught up in the gravitational pull of the star Exotica, and now their pod is revolving around the star in an endless loop. Just like how the earth revolves around the sun. They can’t break free of the star’s gravity. They’ll be circling the star forever.”
“Oh, my God,” exclaimed Charlotte. “Those poor men.” She closed her eyes for a minute, trying to picture it in her head. “How are they not burning up being so close to a star? How are they still alive? Does NASA have a plan to get them home?” She took a breath. “We have to help them.”
“You’re such a bleeding heart,” said Esther. “Don’t worry. Exotica is a dead star, so it no longer gives off any heat. And as for the cold, well, their shuttle is well insulated. They are just fine and dandy. By the way, want to know which six guys are up there? Which six guys wasted billions of dollars just for a little fun?”
At first, Charlotte shook her head no, but when she saw how anxious her friends were to share the news, she sighed, “Okay, go ahead.”
With a big grin spreading across her face, Esther said, “Great. Let’s see if you still have sympathy after I tell you who they are. Are you ready? Number one is Ellsworth Muscrat III. Then comes B.F. Jeffries, Colin Eagen Smith, Vidyot Singh, Vladimir Alexander Petrov, and Yong-saeng Kim. Still feeling that sympathy? Cause I’m not.”
Charlotte furrowed her eyebrows and asked, “Is Vladimir the Russian oligarch who lives in London?” She then shook her head. “No, no, no, you won’t get me to change my mind about how I feel. Even if I don’t like them or agree with anything they say or do, the fact is it’s their money and they are entitled to spend it any way they choose. But more importantly, they are human beings just like us, and for that reason alone, they deserve to be helped.”
Pearl looked at the floor and muttered under her breath, “Oh, they are definitely not like us.”
As Charlotte began absently cutting up her meatloaf, her eyes suddenly flew open and she exclaimed, “Oh, my gosh, what are they going to do for oxygen and food and water?”
“It’s not a problem,” said Pearl. “They have a water reclaimer on board, so as long as they continue to pee, they will have enough water to drink. Same for the oxygen. It’s being recycled.”
“Eww,” said Charlotte.
“Plus,” continued Pearl, “they have enough food to last for two years.”
“But what about after that?” groaned Charlotte. “They’ll starve. What a horrible way to die.”
“Would you please stop worrying?” shouted Pearl. “Our government is currently pouring billions of our tax dollars into figuring out a way to send a supply shuttle to dock with their pod. They have all the most brilliant mathematicians and scientists working on it. Twenty-four hours a day, our country is spending our money to keep these billionaires alive. Meanwhile, thankfully, at least nobody else will be put in danger. It has been determined that it is too risky to send a rescue mission, so at least they are being reasonable about that.”
Esther started laughing. “Just think about it. Six of the bossiest bosses in the world, used to living in luxury, stuck together in one tiny place with nobody to serve them. They have to wash their own dishes, clean their own toilets, and worst of all, they have to get along with each other. Could you imagine the fighting that must be going on in that pod?”
“But the best part is,” laughed Esther, “they all share one very tiny bathroom, and they’re running out of toilet paper.”
“You think that’s funny?” barked Charlotte.
“Oh,” said Pearl and Esther in unison, “we think it’s hilarious.”
Donning a mischievous grin, Pearl said, “Charlotte, I’m about to tell you something that I think is going to dissolve your sympathy for these men like sugar in a cup of scorching hot tea.”
Charlotte shook her head. “I doubt it.”
“Oh, yeah?” said Pearl. “Well, listen to this. It seems that these billionaires have a toilet that collects their bowel movements in a non-recyclable plastic container, and when they flush, it shoots it into space. They are literally shooting their poop into space and polluting the final frontier. There are actual photos of plastic containers following their pod in the same endless revolution around Exotica.” Pearl took a deep breath. “One day, when aliens come to judge the human race, they are going to think we’re full of shit.”
Charlotte sat quietly, trying to absorb this new information. Slowly, her hands balled into fists, and she shouted, “Pearl, first of all, don’t say the word s-h-i-t! You know I hate vulgar language. But even worse, I hate people who contribute to the destruction of this beautiful universe. We’ve already destroyed Earth. Our poor planet is dying. Now we’re going to pollute outer space? That’s a whole new level of destruction.” She wrinkled her nose in disgust and sputtered, “Hopefully they’ll run out of containers very soon. I don’t even care what they’re going to do after that.”
“Well,” Pearl smirked, “I guess they’re just going to shoot their shit au naturel.”
Completely ignoring her friend’s crude remark, Charlotte said, “The thing I don’t understand is why the families of these billionaires don’t hire their own team of specialists to come up with a solution. They could afford it.”
“Guess what?” said Pearl. “Not a single one of the six families offered to contribute even a penny to get their family member back. It kind of makes me feel lucky. Money could never buy the kind of friendship that we have.”
The three women sat deep in thought for a few moments, then threw their napkins over their half-eaten lunches and said, “I hope dessert is better than this meatloaf.”