Necessary Exclusion
As the barbell-shaped spaceship entered the air space above New York City, Captain Xe2§ga yelled out, “Double check that the cloaking device is fully charged! It’s been engaged since the Andromeda Galaxy, and we can’t take a chance it will run out of power!”
“Are you talking to me, Captain?” asked Private First Class Gor§go.
“No, Private,” thundered the captain, “I’m talking to my mother’s big, hairy mole. Of course I’m talking to you! There are only two of us aboard this ship. Now stop asking dumb questions and go check the device.”
Gor§go raced to the engine room with tears burning his oracles, wondering how he was going to last another six months with that oaf of a captain. When he arrived, he hit the control panel, checked the power grid, and gave the device an extra boost. Afterward, he approached the captain and timidly asked, “What’s with the invisibility? Don’t we want the aliens to know we’re here? I thought we were recruiting new members for the United Interplanetary Union of Cooperation.”
“For God’s sake!” bellowed Caption Xe2§ga. “What have you been doing this whole voyage? Playing with your yang? Clearly, you haven’t read the manifesto.” The captain stamped his lower appendages. “This is a hostile planet, Private. We never go anywhere in the Milky Way galaxy uncloaked.”
Gor§go bowed his three heads in apology.
“Private,” the captain said, pointing to the computer screen, “study these images of Earth’s dominant creatures, then set up the viewer scope and observe their activities.”
“Yes, Captain,” he replied. “Right away.” After a careful analysis, Gor§go ambled to the scope, aimed his three oracles, and gasped. “Yikes! There are billions of them down there. They look like the roaches on the insect planet.” He turned toward the captain. “These creatures only have one brain and are identical. Shall I document Earth as a planet of low-intelligence clones?”
“Private,” huffed the captain, “you couldn’t be more wrong. Earthlings are sentient beings that perform purposeful activities, and they’re not clones. There are microscopic differences between each and every one. Look again, and don’t jump to any more stupid conclusions.”
Gor§go blew out a breath and thought about his mother’s parting words. She told him to remember that Captain Xe2§a had a reputation for being extremely strict, but that he was brilliant, and it would be a great learning experience. She then gave him a bag of compliments and told him to eat one each time his feelings were hurt.
Gor§go retrieved his bag and rummaged through, deciding to eat the compliment reminding him he had graduated top of his academy. Feeling fortified, he returned to the scope, determined to find the differences between earthlings. Just when he was ready to give up, he spotted them. “Yes!” he shouted. “I am visualizing minor deviations in hues and sizes.”
“Anything else?”
“No, Captain, I don’t think so.”
“Wrong again,” groaned the captain. “Look here.” He zoomed in to maximum capacity. “Earthlings come in two varieties: fifty percent have a dink while the other fifty percent have a donk. They reproduce in pairs just like we do.”
“Intriguing.” Gor§go cocked his heads thoughtfully. “I wonder if these clone-like creatures can tell each other apart.”
“Yes, Private. Despite the fact that they share 99.9 percent of their DNA, they are able to differentiate. Here’s something interesting.” The captain scratched his middle head. “The thing these beings most have in common is they love the very tiniest of the species. I find this baffling because those small creatures store their waste products in a bag wrapped around their bottom half.”
“Eww,” gasped Gor§go as he absently pinched close his nugunda. “How primitive.” He gazed through the porthole. “What about leadership? Do they have a leader on this planet?”
“Great question, Private. They have many leaders, though the supreme ruler is an earthling they call Taylor Swift. When this commander is ready to share a message, thousands of worshippers all over the planet flock to stadiums. The leader then communicates with the minions by gyrating maniacally, and the minions gyrate back in response.”
“Hmmm,” Gor§go said. “Kind of like the insects.” He narrowed his oracles. “Why would a planet with eight billion look-alikes be considered hostile?”
Captain Xe2§a shook his heads and muttered, “Private, I wish you had done your homework. What you are observing is only a small section of the planet. Swirl the scope around and you’ll find your answer.”
Gor§go slowly rotated the scope to the east and gasped. “Oh my God,” he moaned. “The earthlings are blowing each other up.” His cantaloupe-sized heart pounded as he recorded images for his report. “Why are they doing that, Captain? It’s insane.”
“It gets worse. Look here.” The captain sighed and aimed the scope at a slaughterhouse.
Gor§go’s four hairy appendages flew over his oracles. “I don’t understand,” he gulped. “The earthlings are murdering living beings for food. Why would they murder creatures on a planet with so much vegetation?”
The captain didn’t respond but instead spun around and covered his faces with his tentacles. When Gor§go heard the sniffling sounds, his oracles opened wide. The captain was crying. Gor§go’s minds began to race as he tried to process this new reality. Maybe the captain was not so different from him. He stood silently, heads bowed in respect, and whispered, “Take your time.”
With his back still turned, the captain spoke softly, “We’ve been traveling to Earth for years, and we just don’t know how to help them. Eighty years ago, during the most violent time in earthling history, we planted the idea for the United Nations. We even designed the building. Take a look, it’s still there.”
Gor§go admired the building with 5,400 windows.
Recovered from his emotional display, the captain dried his tears, turned around, and barked, “Private, I want you to take out your yang, and instead of playing games, do the research you should have done prior to coming here. Then write a full report for the UIUOC.”
Gor§go strode off to his chamber quickly, chomping on the compliment reminding him that he was kind and considerate.
When the report was complete, Gor§go approached the captain and presented it to him.
“Read it out loud,” said the captain.
Gor§go took a breath and began the summation. “At this juncture, Planet Earth must not be considered for inclusion in the United Interplanetary Union of Cooperation for the following reasons: The sentient beings on the planet have a penchant for violence, favor competition instead of cooperation, and hoard instead of sharing.
“It is my recommendation,” Private Gor§go continued, “that we return to Earth in no less than eighty years to reevaluate the situation. By the way, Captain, I sent a message of peace to Taylor Swift. Hopefully, it will help this commander become a more effective leader.”
“Great work,” said the captain. “You finally got something right.”
“Thanks, Captain,” said Gor§go, and fed him the compliment. “It’s brave to share your feelings.”