True Love’s Kiss (or Not)

Snow White’s eyes flew open wide as she bolted upright in her glass casket. “What do you think you’re doing?” she hissed at Prince Charming. “Have you been living under a rock? You can’t just kiss a woman without her permission! For God’s sake, haven’t you ever heard of the Me Too movement?”

Upon seeing her awake, the seven dwarfs whooped with joy and raced to Snow White’s side to help her out of the casket.

As they took her hands to assist her, they scowled at Prince Charming, who stumbled backward and stammered, “But…but…but…that was true love’s kiss! I am Prince Charming, your hero, who has come to take you away to be my wife. I love you!”

“First of all,” sneered Snow White, “that was not true love’s kiss. That was breath so bad it actually woke the dead. Secondly, you say you love me just because I’m pretty? What about my personality? What about my hopes and dreams? What about what I want?” Snow White stared into the prince’s eyes. “No, thanks. I decline your offer of marriage.” She spun around and began walking toward her cottage in the woods.

Prince Charming chased after her, shouting, “What do you mean what about what you want? What about what I want? I am a future king, and I demand that you become my wife!” He began to pout. “How can you turn down the offer to be my queen?”

Snow White shook her head and sighed. “Men,” she muttered under her breath. “I already have seven, I don’t need one more.”

As a last-ditch effort to win her over, the prince grabbed Snow White’s wrist and made a solemn promise. “Marry me, Snow, and I will get revenge on your wicked stepmother. I will cut off her head on the day of our wedding.”

“Ewww!” said the seven dwarfs as they shuddered in disgust.

Snow White glared at the prince. “I don’t need your help. I already have a plan. My wicked stepmother is growing older every day. I figure in about five years, her magic-looking glass will tell her there are loads of women fairer than she is. She won’t be able to stand it. She’ll storm off to a faraway land, and I will become the rightful queen. My father was a king, I am a princess, and one day, I will rule over my kingdom with kindness and compassion. That will be my revenge.”

Prince Charming, not accustomed to being treated in such a way, climbed onto his horse and shot Snow White a look of contempt.

As he rode away, Snow White took a deep breath, turned to Grumpy, and laughed. “Is that a smile I see on your face?” She then wrapped her arms around her seven friends and said, “Let’s go home.”