The moment you doubt whether you can fly, you cease forever to be able to do it.

—Peter Pan

Saturday, November 1, 11:47 a.m.

In my room

Harry just called. I’m not sure if it’s because Sophie called him when she left and told him he should or if he just thought he should. “I saw Matt and Libby last night,” he said without wasting any time on hellos. “Is that why you left?” he asked.

“Yep.”

“Matt’s a jerk,” said Harry.

I let out a breath. “You’ve said that before.”

“And I was right.”

Harry was trying to make me feel better. I appreciated his loyalty, and he was right. Matt is a jerk. But he has a sweet side too. He was so cute when he asked me out that day at the beach and when he used to hang out with me and my sisters and do things like rake pine needle houses or play Monopoly.

I don’t even know why I’m thinking about all that. Whether Matt is a jerk or sweet, or some of both, doesn’t erase the fact that I watched him make out at a party with another girl.

That hurt.

Sunday, November 2, 6:45 p.m.

In a downward spiral

While I was walking Gilligan today, Matt came outside. He didn’t have Matilda with him, so it wasn’t like he went outside to walk his dog. He caught up to me like he had something he wanted to say to me. For once, he spoke first. “It was kind of creepy how you were staring at Libby and me.”

I couldn’t believe what he’d said or that he used the word creepy to describe me. Creepy was being confronted on my street when I was walking my dog. “I wasn’t staring at you.” I wanted my words to sound angry, not defensive. I’m not sure Matt picked up on it.

He shrugged. “It seemed like you were.”

I couldn’t believe how insensitive he was being. “I wasn’t staring. I was surprised. I wasn’t expecting to see you at a party making out with another girl.”

Matt pursed his lips. “You know we broke up.”

“I know,” I said with a big nod—like, of course I know. Then I grabbed Gilligan by the leash, turned, and walked home.

There were a lot of things I should have said. I’m glad. You’re a jerk. Wish we’d never gone out in the first place. But I didn’t. I think I was too shocked. It was the most Matt Parker had ever had to say.

I never thought I’d say this, but I like him more when he’s quiet.

8:17 p.m.

Things just keep getting worse. When I got out of the shower, Mom was in my room sitting on my bed. “April, can you come into the den, please? Dad and I would like to talk to you.”

“I have a towel on.” I gestured to the water still dripping down from my hair.

“Dry off and put on your pajamas,” said Mom. “We’ll be waiting.”

When I got there, May and June were already sitting on the couch. I sat beside them and eyed my parents. Mom and Dad were both standing, and Dad had his arms crossed. They both looked tense, especially Dad. “Why are we having a family conference?” I asked.

Mom looked like she was glad someone had asked that question, though my intention hadn’t been to be helpful. I mainly just wanted out of there.

“Girls, your father and I want to talk to you,” said Mom. “I have an opportunity to present my line to a store in Atlanta at the end of the month. It would be a huge deal if they carry my clothes.” She paused and looked at Dad. His face was expressionless.

This was old news to me.

Mom continued. “It’s going to mean a lot of work for me over the next few weeks. I’m going to need all of you to pitch in and help out.” Then, as she talked about how she would be working day and night to get the clothes ready in time, and that it would mean I’d be taking care of May and June while she was at the store and Dad was at the diner, my mind blanked. I don’t even know what all she said.

“Got it?” I heard Mom say. She was done talking and looking at me.

“I got it,” I said.

But it doesn’t mean I like it.

Monday, November 3, 11:14 a.m.

Study Hall

This morning I was at my locker when I saw Matt walking down the hall toward me. He actually slowed down as he got closer to me. I’d like to believe he was going to stop and apologize for what he said last night. But I have no idea what he was going to say because I didn’t give him an opportunity. Right when he passed me, I looked down like I was busy dealing with my lock and didn’t see him. I should have looked up. Not so much to hear what he had to say, but to tell him what I was thinking, which is that what Harry said about him is true. But I didn’t.

Guess I wasn’t in the mood.

3:35 p.m.

Feeling like a loser

I told Sophie what happened this morning at my locker. “I should have said something when I had the chance.”

“It’s not the kind of conversation you have at your locker before school,” she said.

I agreed with her, but I think the real reason I didn’t talk to Matt is because I know he won’t care what I have to say.

I don’t like him anymore, but seeing him with someone else made me wonder what went wrong when we went out. Was he pissed I went to summer camp? Or that I didn’t let him touch my boobs? Maybe that’s why he was with Libby. Did she let him touch her boobs? At a party? Does it make me a loser that I wouldn’t do that? I don’t think it does.

So why do I feel like one?

Wednesday, November 5, 6:05 p.m.

Babysitting

Maybe the reason I feel like a loser is because I am one. When I got home from dance, Mom asked me to babysit. “You can heat up the leftover meatloaf from last night,” she said.

“Can we eat in front of the TV?” asked May.

“Can we watch SpongeBob?” asked June.

Technically, I’m not sure what the definition of a loser is, but someone who eats leftover meatloaf on the couch with her little sisters while watching a show about a demented sponge can’t be far off.

Thursday, November 6, 7:10 p.m.

Babysitting

Again

When I got home from dance, Mom asked me if I could babysit again. It was a repeat performance of last night.

Only difference: lasagna instead of meatloaf.

Friday, November 7, 8:45 p.m.

In a rut

Tonight makes my babysitting average three for three.

While most kids my age are at football games or parties on a Friday night, I’m home babysitting and eating grilled cheese sandwiches. Which isn’t the worst thing in the world because we’re having tomato soup with the sandwiches, which is the most exciting thing I can think to write about.

Sad. Very sad.

Saturday, November 8, 2:45 p.m.

Feeling sick

We had an extralong dance practice this morning. We’re in full practice mode since the dance show is at the end of the month. I was completely exhausted because I couldn’t fall asleep until after two. I could barely follow the steps of the freshman modern dance we’re working on for the show. Ms. Baumann called me out twice and during our break. I was so relieved when practice ended. All I wanted to do was go home and take a nap.

But as I was leaving, Brynn caught up to me. “Are you OK?” she asked.

“Yeah,” I said. “I’m just tired.”

Brynn shook her head like she knew that wasn’t it. “You can’t fool me,” she said. “We’ve been best friends for a long time. Did something happen?”

It made me feel good she knew me well enough to ask, so I told her what happened at the party and how Matt confronted me on the street. “That sucks,” she said. Then she changed the subject. I’d like to believe it was because she got that I didn’t want to keep talking about Matt. But I think it was because she had something she really wanted to tell me. “April, something happened. It’s big.” Brynn shrugged. “You should know.”

I nodded like I was listening.

“Do you remember I told you that Billy was coming over on Halloween?”

“Yeah.” My gut told me I wasn’t going to like what was coming next.

“We were on my bed watching a movie,” said Brynn slowly. “Then we started kissing.” She looked at me like she wanted to gauge my reaction.

I tried to remain expressionless. Even though part of me didn’t want to hear what she had to say, another part of me needed to know everything. “We kissed for a long time,” said Brynn. “Then one thing led to another.” She hesitated. “We took the next step.”

I watched as she put her hand on her chest. She looked like she was about to say the Pledge of Allegiance. I wanted to believe that’s what she and Billy did together, but I knew it wasn’t what she meant.

I tried to swallow but couldn’t. All I could think about was how big Brynn’s boobs had gotten in the last year and how the three of us had been best friends since third grade and now Brynn and Billy were close in this new way I couldn’t be part of.

“So?” said Brynn when she finished talking.

I wasn’t sure what my response should be. Congrats? “That’s cool,” I said.

Brynn grinned like that was the response she was hoping for. “Thanks for being happy for me.” Then she looped her arm through mine as we walked like we were still in kindergarten. “It’s just really cool how close Billy and I are. It makes me so happy.”

“Yeah,” I said. I knew she wanted me to share in her happiness, but I was having a hard time doing it. Especially since all I could think about was my own unhappiness and the slump I’ve been in since Halloween.

My parents are stressed and fighting and never home. All I ever do is babysit. My ex-boyfriend was at a party making out with another girl. Brynn and Billy are doing things together I don’t like thinking about. And even though things seem OK for the moment, I know Sophie and Brynn don’t really like each other.

I really don’t know what I expected when I started high school.

Not this.