The interview went well. So well, that Meredith expected to hear good news within the next day or so. Once she did, assuming she did, she could go about checking off the rest of the items on her to-do list. An apartment here in Steamboat Springs. Returning to San Francisco to pack up her belongings and officially move her life here. And she couldn’t wait.
Today, though, she had more important matters on her mind. Her period was late. By one full week and that had never happened before.
Never.
So, while she tried to convince herself that she was likely worrying for nothing, that stress and the accident and everything else that had occurred could be more than enough to mess with her body...she knew.
And she was petrified.
The second she left the interview, in her second rented car that matched her first, she drove to a local convenience store and bought two pregnancy tests. Two. So she could verify the results of the first, because yeah, she’d have to for her peace of mind.
And then she’d returned to Rachel’s, relieved to find the house empty, and tore open both boxes. Read the instructions. Locked herself in the bathroom and...peed on the first stick.
She waited with her forehead pressed to her knees, forcing air in and out of her lungs. Trying to ignore the panic brewing in her blood. She couldn’t be pregnant. She had zero symptoms: no morning sickness and her breasts weren’t sore or swollen. Her body felt completely normal, just as it always had. She couldn’t be pregnant.
She wasn’t ready.
Not when everything in her life was finally starting to come together and feel right. Not when everything with Liam was starting to come together and feel real and possible more than blindly and illogically hopeful. Just not now. This wasn’t the time. For her, for him, for them.
And oh, God, not after learning about his heartbreaking, tremendous loss.
A wife he’d loved. A baby on the way. Both gone in the blink of an eye, and a man who had already suffered great loss in his lifetime—his parents’ deaths and all that missing time with his sister—had to prevail over another loss. It wasn’t fair. It made her problems even less important, almost ridiculous, because she’d never had to sustain anything like Liam had.
Enough time had passed to look at the stick. To see if a plus sign or a negative sign had appeared.
But she didn’t want to. In this second, she could remain clueless and hang on to her hope that she wasn’t—couldn’t be—carrying Liam’s baby. Her baby. Their baby. Because it wasn’t time for either of them. What would she do? What would he do?
Think this through.
Right. Follow the possible paths. Determine the likeliest scenarios. Put some weight behind the what-if to bolster her courage and remind her that she could handle whatever came her way.
She’d survived getting lost in the mountains during a freak snowstorm, hadn’t she? Yes. Okay, so that was nothing compared to the possibility of being pregnant, becoming a mother and raising a child. Even so, it showed she was tenacious. Strong. Capable.
So, she didn’t lift her head from her knees. She forced the brewing panic to calm. If a plus sign existed when she looked, then what?
Well, the first thing would be to process the information. Second would be, naturally, telling Liam, because he deserved to know as soon as possible. A difficult, emotional conversation would likely follow. But how would he react? Shock would come first, no doubt. Anger? No. Liam wouldn’t be angry, he’d be...scared? Probably even more frightened than she was at this moment, but he wouldn’t admit that to himself, let alone to her.
Shocked. Scared. What else? Protective? Based on everything she knew about him, how he’d been with her, then yes...protective. Accountable, too. He wouldn’t run from the financial responsibility or the hands-on day in and day out of being a father. She knew this. He might attempt to corral the situation into a neat little box so that he felt it was under control. Doable.
What would that mean? A shotgun wedding? Meredith sighed. Yeah, he very well could suggest they marry for the best interests of the baby. And as much as she yearned for...well, everything with this man, she wouldn’t settle into a marriage of obligation. That was not the life she wanted.
For herself or for Liam.
Of course, if they were to arrive at that beautiful place from her dream where they truly loved each other, couldn’t imagine a life without the other...that was an entirely different story. But they weren’t there yet. Whether or not she was pregnant.
Breathing deeply, Meredith considered the least likely alternative: that she was wrong and that Liam would run from her, the baby and the responsibility.
No. That was not the man she knew, but...she had to follow through with the thought. For her sake. If the impossible were to happen, what would she do?
Well. Pretty much what she was already doing: creating a life of her own making. The same necessities existed: a job she enjoyed that paid what she needed. A safe home. Friends. Family. Laughter and love and more happiness than sadness.
Yes. The very same framework for a life she had already started to create. That life would simply include one extra person; her son or daughter.
Meredith’s panic didn’t fully disappear, but the smog in her head cleared. Her heart didn’t beat quite so hard, and the nausea swirling in her stomach eased.
If she were indeed pregnant, she’d handle whatever came next. With Liam by her side, in the multiple ways that could occur, or without Liam anywhere to be seen. She could do this. On her own, if necessary.
Another deep inhale of oxygen and Meredith lifted her head from her knees, closed her eyes and reached for the pregnancy test she’d left on the edge of the bathtub. Gripping her hand tightly around the test, she counted to three and opened her eyes.
A bold pink positive sign. She was having Liam’s baby.
* * *
Whistling to the dogs, Liam tossed the last of his bags into the back of the truck. He’d been offered a last-minute, ten-day assignment in the Australian Outback due to another photographer cancelling because of a family emergency. Liam had almost declined but decided it would do him good on a lot of different levels to get away. So, he accepted.
He needed to think. He needed to separate his emotions from the almighty logic and find a balance. And he needed to do that somewhere else. Somewhere far enough away from Goldi that he couldn’t be tempted to jump in up to his eyeballs before he was ready.
And he was not ready.
That being said, he couldn’t leave the country without seeing her and letting her know where he’d be, how long he’d be gone. That felt necessary. And he wanted to do so in person, not via a text message or a phone call. Which meant he had to get moving as he was flying out of Denver early that evening. He had to drop off Max and Maggie at Fiona’s, stop by Rachel’s to talk with Meredith and then make the three-ish hour drive to Denver.
At the sound of Liam’s whistle, the dogs emerged from the trees, bounding toward him at full speed in all their canine grace.
Ever since the snowman day, when Liam had split open his soul and began to breathe again, Max and Maggie had been more themselves. They hadn’t stopped staring and whining at the sofa each night, though, as if hoping Goldi would appear in a flash of smoke.
There were too many nights he’d wished the same.
Just as the dogs swarmed around his feet, the sound of a car driving into his long, twisty driveway pulled his attention. Only took a second to see it was the woman herself, Meredith.
Pride hit him first, that she’d found her way here without trouble. Happiness came next, because she was here on her own accord. Curiosity as to why filtered into the mix, followed quickly by the resurgence of his shields.
Oh, they weren’t nearly as strong. But they were there. Still. And he couldn’t decide if that was good or bad. Worthwhile or...useless. Protective or restrictive.
As she stepped from the car—another rental, he assumed—he was struck by her beauty all over again. She had her long, curly hair swept back in a clip of some sort, but the sides hung loose around her shoulders like a shimmering cloud. A small, tentative smile curved her mouth and she raised one hand in an equally hesitant wave.
Something was wrong.
Apprehension tightened his gut, rippled through his muscles. She walked toward him and he noticed the slight tremble in her chin and the way she worried her bottom lip with her teeth. Her skin, normally pale, appeared about as fragile as a sheet of tissue paper.
Yup, something was wrong. And that realization, the many possibilities of what could be wrong, ignited that natural need he had to protect this woman. Right alongside that need, however, existed fear.
Crippling, debilitating fear.
He didn’t want to admit the fear. Didn’t want to face it, either. So, he did the next best thing and set it aside, like a cup of forgotten coffee that had grown cold. It would be there later, to look at, analyze, consider. Decide how to better manage it or expunge it once and for all.
“Liam,” Meredith said when she reached him. Max and Maggie, upon seeing her, had jumped back out of the car and were begging her for attention. Her smile widened at their boisterous, adoring affection. She petted their heads, scratched behind their ears, murmured her hellos. Then, lifting her eyes to Liam’s, she let out a breath. “I...hope this isn’t a bad time?”
“Never a bad time for you.” Whoa. Where had those words, that sentiment, come from? They were true, he realized, despite his fear. He’d always welcome Meredith. Always. “I was actually going to stop by and see you, after I dropped off the dogs at Fiona’s.”
“You were? Drop off the dogs?”
“I was. I’m...heading out on assignment. Australia. I’ll be back in a couple of weeks.” He resisted the temptation to pull her into his arms and promise her that everything would be okay. He didn’t know that anything was wrong, for one thing. For another, he didn’t know if that was a promise he could keep. “So, I’m glad you caught me. We could’ve missed each other.”
“Oh. I didn’t know...but of course I wouldn’t. Why would I?” Rubbing her hands together, she darted her gaze away from his. “Maybe this isn’t the best time, then. We can always talk when you get back, and...yeah, that’s probably what we should do.”
She turned, ready to leave, and while he couldn’t define how he knew, he was certain that letting her walk away would prove to be a horrible mistake. “Stop, Meredith.” She faced him again. “You came here for a reason, and I have time for you, time for a conversation.”
“You’re sure?”
Yes. Something was wrong. “Wouldn’t have said so if I wasn’t.”
“Well. I don’t know. This conversation shouldn’t be rushed. It’s important. And...”
Her voice trailed away into nothingness. What was going on here? What thoughts, concerns, fears were swirling in her brain? He wished for the ability to take everything negative away from this woman and fill her with nothing but the positive. Let the sunshine wipe out the gloom. “We won’t be rushed. I can always change my flight, if necessary. Let’s go inside.”
For about fifteen seconds, she didn’t respond, just stood there with her back straight, looking over his shoulder into the distance. She nodded, pushed her hands into her coat pockets and said, “Yes. You’re right. This...is important and it shouldn’t wait.”
They walked toward the house and Liam’s brain went into overdrive. What could be wrong? What might they have to talk about? Was she leaving, going back home to San Francisco? He didn’t like the idea of that at all. He wasn’t ready to move forward, but he wasn’t ready to say goodbye, either. Which meant...he couldn’t do anything.
Even if she told him she’d decided to leave.
Less than an hour ago, he’d prepared the house for a two-week absence, and when he’d locked the front door, he certainly didn’t know he’d be returning within fifteen minutes. And he couldn’t have known that Meredith would be with him, following him inside. Whatever she needed to say, whatever the reason behind this visit, he had the sense that nothing would ever be the same again. That whatever she was about to tell him would change him. Forever.
For the good? For the bad? Yet another question he couldn’t answer.
Once inside, Liam nodded toward the sofa, which would now and always be hers. If she was leaving...if he didn’t have the necessary time to figure out what he wanted, how to move forward, if he wanted to move forward, he would have to replace this couch.
Or not. Hell.
She sat. He did, too, right next to her. Possibly a bad idea, but he had to be near her in case whatever she told him required his comfort. He needed to be close in order to hold her hand or put his arm around her or...well, offer his support. That was true, would always be true, regardless of the fear that seemed prepped and ready to consume him, from the inside out.
“Talk to me, Goldi,” he said. “What brought you here today?”
Long lashes dipped in a blink, then another. She cleared her throat and fidgeted in place while a tremble visibly rolled through her slight frame. “I’ve tried to think of the best way to tell you this. All the way here, I rehearsed how to say what I need to say, but...I don’t know if there is a right way. I don’t know which words are best or which order to put them in. And...and I almost turned around at least a half dozen times. Because—”
She stopped speaking, shook her head and inhaled another deep, fortifying breath. Blue eyes glistened with the threat of tears, and Lord, all he wanted was to see her smile. Hear her laugh. Let her know that no matter what battles she faced, he’d stand next to her, sword raised, ready to protect and defend and keep her...whole. Safe. Again, words he couldn’t say. Wouldn’t say until he knew he was ready for this, for her and that he could give her all she deserved.
“Tell me, Goldi. Please?”
Yet another breath, deeper than the last. More fluttering of her eyelashes as she blinked. A firm nod. Shoulders straight, jaw set, she reached for his hand.
He held it tightly and with his other hand, tipped her chin so they were eye-to-eye. “Don’t you know that you can tell me anything? I’ll listen. Whatever it is, you have nothing to be afraid of.”
Those words? True. Heartfelt. Real.
Naturally, none of the truth there altered his own fear. His own inabilities. His desperate desire to remain unscathed for the remainder of his life, to never again face excruciating loss. He’d barely survived the first time—with his parents, and hell, he still couldn’t figure out if he’d survived, as in really survived, losing Christy. All these years, all this time, all his solitude and refusal to become close to anyone and really...how many steps had he traveled?
He couldn’t answer that. Not now. Not when this woman stared at him with shiny tear-filled blue eyes and glimmering cloud-like hair. Not when her body shook with shivers. And certainly not when he felt her confusion and fear as if it were his own.
“I’m pregnant, Liam.”
That was it, all she said, three little words that held the force of a tsunami. Three little words that sucked every bit of oxygen from his body. Three words. Just three. Yet they changed...everything.
“I’m sorry,” he said, feeding the all-consuming need to be absolutely sure he’d heard her correctly. “What did you say?”
More blinks. More breaths. More trembles. “I said that I’m pregnant. I...I found out earlier and...you needed to know right away. I wouldn’t keep something like that from you. So, here I am and I know...I know what a shock this is and I—”
She broke off, waiting for him to offer...what? Reassurances, probably, to promise her that he was fine. That she had nothing to worry about. That she wasn’t in this alone. And of course, she wasn’t. Of course.
But he couldn’t breathe. Couldn’t think. Damn it, why couldn’t he think? She was pregnant. A baby—his baby—was even now growing inside of her, and that baby would require the world. Deserved everything he could offer and more.
“You’re pregnant?” He’d heard it twice. Why’d he have to hear it a third time?
“Yes. And yes, I am sure. And—” here, her voice strengthened, grew in confidence, and even in the storm of his emotions, he was proud of her “—yes, the baby is yours.”
Well, he knew that. Didn’t need that fact confirmed, but he understood why she’d put that out there.
No doubts. She didn’t want him to worry or question, and he didn’t. Wouldn’t, with Goldi. But with that unnecessary confirmation, the smallest kernel of joy appeared in the center of the chaos. Joy. It was there. He felt it. And damn it all again, that joy increased his fear.
Joy was dangerous. It needed hope to exist, to flourish. And hope...well, he hadn’t had a whole lot of luck with hope. Hope, he’d learned, was treacherous. Could make you believe the world was yours for the taking and then suck you down into the pits of hell. In less than a second, without warning. Did he have it in him to hope again? To let that joy flourish and take root?
He did not know.
“Liam? Say something,” Meredith said, her voice a tangle of want. “Anything. I don’t care what, but you have to say something. Don’t let me sit here in this alone.”
“You’re not alone.” The words flew from his throat, his heart and his soul effortlessly. And he meant them completely, but his voice sounded flat and without warmth. He heard it, so yeah, she had.
He tried harder with, “You are never alone, Goldi. I’m sorry for... I just need a minute to catch up, to let this news sink in. But I’m here with you, and this baby will have everything he or she needs. So will you, as far as that goes. Know that. No matter what else.”
She swallowed hard and turned her body away from his. Dropped his hand. “I do know that, Liam. I do. And I’m not asking for anything from you that you don’t...or won’t...want to give. But you had to know. And...well, I guess now you do. So. Okay. You know.”
“I am here. I swear to that.”
“Okay.”
Unsaid words weighted the air, and he fought to find...whatever it was she needed to hear. Fought to be a better man for her, for this child he’d just learned would one day be and, yes, for himself, too. A better man than who he had been. A man who’d lived in seclusion, choosing to separate himself from the world in order to create a structure he could exist in without the possibility of anything real ever happening again.
He wanted real. Yearned for real. But yeah, that want, that hope was treacherous. So, he couldn’t find the words, the emotion, the sentiment, the confidence and strength she surely needed from him in this space of time. He didn’t know how to breach this gap that had appeared between them.
This woman had popped into his life out of nowhere, and he hadn’t yet accepted and embraced that miracle, that hope. Moving from that to this so quickly was too much.
Time. He needed that time to process. To put everything into perspective and see if he could allow that kernel of joy to flourish into...well, a life. A full, real life that would include Goldi and a child and...a future he’d long given up on.
No, he didn’t have the words or the strength or the courage. He didn’t have any of those, and explaining all of that seemed impossible. Instead, he opened his arms and said, “Come here, Goldi. Let me hold you for a minute, because you need to know that I am here with you.”
A slight hesitation, a quick breath and then there she was, her head pressed against his shoulder, her honey-and-almond-scented hair tickling his jaw. He brought her to him as tightly, as securely as he could. In those minutes, his world felt...right. Sturdy and secure.
No longer fragmented into pieces. So, whole, he guessed. Real.
“You can count on me,” he said into her ear with the only promise he was able to offer in this minute. It wasn’t enough. Not nearly enough. But he refused to give her hope he did not yet believe in, so really, all he could do was speak the truth. What he knew to be true. “You and the baby will never have to worry. You’ll be taken care of. I promise.”
“I appreciate that,” she said, pulling herself free of his hold. “And I know you’re a responsible man, Liam. I didn’t expect...well, I didn’t expect anything less.”
Meaning she had expected more? Or just...hoped? Hell if he knew. But saying words he couldn’t back up would only hurt them both, even if they would offer a momentary comfort.
“We’ll figure this out,” he said. “Soon. I just... I’m sorry. It isn’t fair to you, but I need a little time, to think and plan. I’m not running away. I’m here. Please believe that.”
Remembering his flight, that he had to take the dogs to his sister’s, he looked at his watch. He had a few minutes before he absolutely had to leave, but he’d give her however much time she needed. He’d cancel the assignment. He’d stay if she asked.
But he wanted to go, wanted to have that time to sink into his work so he could process. Consider the past, the future. What he was capable of offering this woman.
Perhaps that made him awful and selfish, just having that want. Yet another mystery he couldn’t solve. It was, he decided, what it was. But yes, if she asked him to stay, he would. Without hesitation.
As she had from the very beginning, she seemed to see straight into his brain and read his thoughts. That still disconcerted him, startled him.
“You probably have to leave soon, right?” she asked, pulling herself up to stand. “I won’t keep you any longer, and of course take whatever time you need. I have to process, as well. I just found out a few hours ago, so I’m...thinking, too.”
“I can cancel the job,” he said. “Just say the word, and I’ll do so. Or change my flight until tomorrow, if you want to...have more time to talk right now. Seriously. I will do that.”
Bringing her fingers to her temple, she rubbed as if a headache brewed. “No. You have a job, and you should go. A couple of weeks, you said? That will give us both plenty of time to think about this, about what we want to do. So, no, don’t cancel. Don’t delay your flight.”
Silence filled the space between them. Uncomfortable, tense silence.
He should cancel. That should be his decision. To show her that he meant what he said, that she wasn’t alone. That he would be here, through everything and that he would see to her needs. To their child’s needs.
But he couldn’t quite find the will to say those words, to follow up on them, so he kept his mouth shut. The selfish side of him wanted to escape. Not forever, just for two weeks.
And the longer he didn’t say those words, give that offer, make that decision for them, the more tense and hungry the quiet between them became. It was a monster, that silence, demanding what he could give but selfishly did not want to. She would have to ask for him to comply and that...well, that did not seem to be happening.
Both of them. More stubborn than anyone had a right to be.
Sighing, he gave into the selfishness. Knew he’d question that decision every hour for the next two weeks, but even that didn’t stop him. He needed the time. Desperately. And he’d have to believe that she would understand and that she spoke the truth, that she needed it just as much. Otherwise, why tell him to go? Why offer those assurances if they weren’t heartfelt?
Right. So, yeah, he gave in. “Okay, if you’re sure. We’ll...plan on talking when I return?”
“Of course.” Her modulated tone didn’t show whatever she felt, what she might be thinking. And as she spoke, she pivoted her entire body away from him, so she faced the door. She wanted to leave. Was waiting to get the hell out of here, so he could do the same. For him? For her? For both of them? “We’ll talk when you return. That...sounds like a doable plan.”
“It is the plan. Two weeks, Goldi, and we’ll figure this out.” He came to her then, started to reach for her but had second thoughts. Now wasn’t the time. Even if he ached to hold her again, reassure her, give her the world. “Come on. I’ll walk you out.”
“Oh. I’m fine. I can find the car.” And then, she angled toward him just enough that he could see her face. She smiled, but he could easily see it was forced. “It’s right outside in your driveway, remember? No chance I’ll get lost. I will even swear that I won’t get lost going to Rachel’s. So, no worries!”
Her attempt to lighten the moment as they went their separate ways on easier ground didn’t go unnoticed. She was something, this woman. In such a moment, she wasn’t crying or begging him for so much as a glass of water. She wasn’t pushing him to do anything at all.
She was, he realized, trying to remind him that she was independent. That she would be okay on her own, without his help or presence. To give him...what? The freedom of choice?
Probably that. But all at once, his fear altered direction, became even fiercer, and he wondered if she was really saying goodbye. As in, a forever goodbye.
“Goldi?” he asked, hearing the fear that resonated through him mirrored in his voice. “You’ll be here, right? When I return? You’re not going to disappear on me, are you?”
“Oh. I won’t disappear.” Another smile, this one less forced. “You’ll always be able to find me, Liam. If and when you want. Don’t worry about that, either. Okay?”
“Two weeks. I’ll see you in two weeks.” And then, because he needed to know the precise moment he’d see her again, he said, “Two weeks from tomorrow. Meet here around three? That will give me plenty of time to get the dogs and...how does that sound?”
She nodded and started toward the door. Paused. Breathed. And he thought, for barely a second, that she was going to say something else, but in the end, she didn’t. Just pushed herself forward and walked away, leaving him alone.
Which was the precise state of being that he’d worked so hard for, had fervently believed he’d wanted and had drowned himself in for going on a decade. Truth was, he’d done just fine in that life, had survived without too much trouble.
But that was before Goldi.