Chapter Ten: Devoured by Coyotes
Well, I finished my song and turned to the coyote brothers. They were staring at me with dull brutish expressions on their dull brutish faces.
“What do you think, Snort?” No answer. “Would it surprise you to know that that song was based on a true life experience?” No answer. “It happened to me only last night. I’ll bet you’d like to hear the whole story behind it, huh?” He yawned. “Okay, here we go. It all began last . . .”
“Coyote not caring for love or pretty music.”
“Yeah, but all things considered, it’s the kind of song that a coyote can really go for. I mean, it was so good, you’re probably thinking about letting me go.”
They got a big laugh out of that.
“Or maybe not. Which is just fine, as long as I don’t have to listen to any of your lousy coyote songs.”
That got their attention, which is what I had hoped might happen. I had run out of good ideas, see, and was stalling for time, in hopes of postponing supper.
Snort pushed himself up and came lumbering over to me. “What means, ‘lousy coyote song’?”
“It means . . . well, I hate to put it this way, Snort, especially with your hot breath right in my face, could you back up a little bit? No? Okay, we’ll just . . . I hate to say this, but I doubt that you guys have a song that’s in the same class with ‘Oh Flee, My Love.’”
“Uh. What’s meaning ‘class?’”
“Class is something you’ve never had, Snort, and probably never will. I mean, you guys only know one song, right?”
“Guys know two song.”
“All right, two songs.”
He counted three claws on his right foot. “Coyote know seven song.”
“Wait a minute. You counted three claws. How could you come up with seven songs?”
He scowled and counted again. “One. Four. Seven. Coyote know seven song.”
“No, no. You cheated, Snort. One claw plus one claw plus one claw makes three claws.”
He stuck his nose in my face. “One claw plus one claw plus one claw make fat lip if dog not shut up.”
“Oh, I see now. You’re using Coyote Mathematics.”
“Whatsomever.”
“Which means that you count to three, multiply by two, and add one.”
“Uh-uh. Add two, not one.”
“No, that would make eight.” He whacked me on the nose. “No, by George, that would make seven.”
“Ha! Hunk pretty smart.”
“Yes sir, that Coyote Mathematics is pretty foxy stuff.”
“Coyote not like fox.”
“That’s what I meant. It’s not foxy at all.”
“Coyote know seven song.”
“That’s certainly the bottom line, isn’t it?”
“Uh.”
“Which means that you’ve got a song or two I haven’t heard, and I’ll bet you’re scared to sing in a blizzard.”
“Ha! Coyote not scared of buzzard.”
“Yeah, but I said blizzard.”
“Coyote eat lizard in one bite. Not scared of lizard.”
“No, you missed it again. I said . . .”
He poked me in the nose. “Hunk talk too much. Coyote not scared of nothing.”
“All right, then sing your old song. I dare you to sing it right now, in the middle of a blinded snow . . .”
He shoved me down into a sitting position. “Hunk shut trap and listen.”
“I can handle that.”
“And after we singing, then we eat, oh boy!”
“I don’t think I could hold another bite, Snort.”
“Shut trap!”
“Yes sir.”
I shut my trap and listened to their new song. It turned out to be another low-class musical experience, a little piece of coyote trash called “We Don’t Give a Hoot.”
We Don’t Give a Hoot
I guess you might think we are dumb and stupid,
And maybe you think we can’t sing.
And maybe you think we can’t make up rhymes,
And if that’s what you think . . .
Then we’ve got a message for you, mister,
And you’d better listen real good,
’Cause we’ve got one thing to say to you
And here is what it is . . .
We don’t give a hoot,
We don’t ever wear a suit.
We’re nothing but animals,
Outrageous cannibals,
We don’t give a hoot.
I guess you might think that we smell bad
But it’s only because we stink.
But who wants to smell like petunias?
Not me . . .
Me and my brother don’t want to offend
Anyone with our smell,
So if you should find us offensive,
We will beat you up . . .
’Cause we don’t give a hoot,
We don’t ever wear a suit.
We’re nothing but animals,
Outrageous cannibals,
We don’t give a hoot.
Being a cannibal’s lots of fun and goofing off,
We don’t ever have to take baths.
Or clean up our room or eat any spinach
Or dental floss our teeth . . .
We fight all the time and howl at the moon,
And pick our noses a lot.
And if you don’t like what we’re singing
We’ll beat you up again . . .
’Cause we don’t give a hoot,
We don’t ever wear a suit.
We’re nothing but animals,
Outrageous cannibals,
We don’t give a hoot.
Well, when they finished their song, Snort swaggered over to me. He was wearing a huge grin on his face and I could tell that he was proud of himself.
“Uh! What Hunk say now?”
“Well, uh, you might say that I’m at a loss for words . . . so to speak.”
“Better find words real quick, so to speaking.”
“Right. Well, Snort, on the one hand, that is a very, uh, strange song.” He bared his fangs. “But on the other hand, it’s strangely beautiful, in a strange sort of way.”
“Not strange.”
“Exactly. Not strange at all.”
“Only beautiful.”
“Right, you stole the words right out of my mouth.”
“Ha! Coyote like to steal.”
“Yes sir, you’re quite a thief, Snort, and I say that from the bottom of my . . .”
Oops.
A gleam came into Snort’s eyes. “Uh! Coyote hungry for heart!”
“I didn’t say that word, honest, cross my heart . . . oops.”
“Coyote not care what Hunk say. Coyote ready for big grub, oh boy!”
They were coming toward me, licking their chops.
“Now wait a second, let’s don’t . . .” I started backing up. “How about another song, guys? I mean, it would be a shame to quit just when we’ve . . .”
They were shaking their heads.
I kept backing up until my backside backed into an embackment. Embankment, that is. And there I stopped. I had reached a dead end and was surrounded by cannibals.
In the Security Business, we have developed many escape procedures for many difficult situations, but we have never solved the puzzle of how to escape a dog out of a dead-end situation, surrounded by cannibals.
That’s a toughie. All reported cases have ended in sudden death, followed by feasting, singing, and loud belching.
In other words . . . I think you’ve got the picture. I was in BIG trouble.
Wouldn’t it be a shame if I got eaten? Not only would that mess up my plans for the future, but it would just about ruin the story. And what about Little Molly and her cough? Had you stopped to think about that?
If the coyote brothers happened to eat me for supper, then it follows from simple logic that there would be nothing left of me to finish my errand of mercy in the howling blinded blizzard, or to deliver the medicine to Little Molly.
Just think about poor Little Molly. Coughing all night, crying, coughing some more. Can you see Sally May standing over her crib, biting her lip and . . .
When I say “biting her lip,” I mean that Sally May is biting Sally May’s lip, not Molly’s lip. She’d never do that. Sally May wouldn’t bite her child’s . . . never mind.
Anyways, can you see Sally May standing over the baby’s lip and biting her crib? Her face shows the little web-lines of worry and she’s wringing her hands.
Nearby, Loper is pacing the floor. “It’s all resting on the shoulders of our Heroic Guard Dog.”
“Yes,” says Sally May. “He’s such a wonderful dog!”
“But where could he be? Something terrible must have happened, hon, because . . .”
“I know. Because nothing but a catastrophe could have stopped Hank from bringing the medicine to our sick child.”
“Yeah. What a dog!”
“He’s so wonderful!”
“I only wish I had dozen dogs just like him.”
“At least a dozen. Well . . .” She walks to the window and looks out at the swirling terrible frozen blizzard outside. “We can only pray that he makes it.”
Pretty touching scene, huh? I can’t tell you for sure that such a scene actually happened, but I’m guessing that it did. Or could have.
Yes, the terrible responsibility of making it through the storm and delivering the medicine to Little Molly was on my massive shoulders, and you’re probably sitting on the edge of your chair right now, wondering what happened next, right? Okay, hang on. The coyotes ate me and that’s the end of the story.
I already told you, I got eaten by coyotes. You needn’t bother to turn the page again.