By the river waters
We sat down and wept
Yearning for Lyric’s country.
—Song of the Exodus, Fragment 1.1
My name is Kerr Flick. Or Cadence. Or . . . something. I don’t know. A month ago, if anyone told me that my Dorm Leader would be offering to break the law for me, I would have laughed. No—worse than that. I probably would have reported them for losing their minds.
But that was before.
Before the Filtering exam.
Before my best friend became an alien.
Before I discovered that I’m not actually Kerr Flick at all.
On all the infotab entertainment streams, you always get some kind of warning about bad things ahead. Ominous music builds. The shadows lengthen onscreen. The hero walks down the darkening street while the camera flicks to the nightmare waiting around the corner.
All I got was a cold, grey concrete bunker and a rush of unwanted memory.
“My mother was a Hater . . .”
Like a starving waif I snatched at Akela’s solution before I could think. Would I have jumped so quickly to retrieve my memory if I’d known what I would find? Would it have made a difference if I knew what was going to happen next?
“Don’t do this if you’re not ready,” Hodge says.
I straighten, and my back makes squeaking noises against the ancient vinyl. “I have to.”
He moves closer to the treatment chair, hovering near my feet. “Everything is going to change.”
“Then change it.”
The halo fits around my head like a snug helmet. A smell of dust and damp concrete tickles at my nose. I lift my hand up against my nostrils to stop the sneeze from erupting, and Dorm Leader Akela’s face comes into view.
“You okay?” she says, brows furrowed.
“I’m . . . ah, ahhh . . . fine.” I wrinkle my nose and gulp back the reflex. “Dust. Makes me . . . ah . . . achoo!”
“We’ll get the cleaners in next week.” Wil’s deadpan expression glows from the light of the console at the other end of the room.
Everything here looks like someone went for a coffee fifty years ago and never came back. The battered old filing cabinet sits in one corner, a single drawer hanging out. Posters peel away from the walls. Old plastic instruments line shelves, discolored and forgotten. It’s way different to the sterile infirmary of Elite Academy that lies somewhere above our heads. This forgotten bunker, a relic of the old wars against hate, has hidden under Elite Academy for years. For the hundredth time, I wonder how I got myself into this predicament.
“The Hater is me.”
Oh yeah. That’s how. My best friend was Realigned and reported me as a Hater like it meant nothing to her. Then, just when I thought I was headed for discipline, it turned out that Elite Academy’s Dorm Leader was part of some underground resistance, and instead of arresting me, she gave me the chance to fix my memory.
Now I’m lying in a defunct bunker with a halo around my head, ready to be solved like a math problem.
“All set to go,” Wil says, his hands falling away from the keyboard. His grin is wide and handsome, and when his eyes rest on mine, I feel an unwelcome flush of heat along my cheeks. I force my glance away, not wanting to let him see that he affected me. But I catch his smirk from the corner of my eye. He knows.
“Last chance, Cadence. Are you sure this is what you want?” Akela asks. When it finally sinks in that Cadence is me, I blink. Turn my head around to get a better view of Dorm Leader’s face.
“I need to know who I was.” The echoes of my single recovered memory float back into my mind: Screaming. Boots running down the hall. Terror as they ripped me out of my mother’s arms. There is something important just beyond my reach, memories just waiting for me if I could only get access to them.
Dorm Leader swivels in her chair. The rusting wheels squeak against the concrete until she comes to stop beside my head. Her face has that “don’t mess with me” look that makes so many Apprentices quake in their boots.
“I’m not sure you understand exactly how much this will change things,” she says.
“It will change everything. I know. I want to see my parents.”
“What if you learn things that you didn’t want to know?”
“At least I’ll know the truth.”
She regards me. “You may begin to doubt everything you’ve been taught.”
“Only Haters doubt the Love Collective.” I grin, reciting the Hater Recognition Signs I’d known for years. But it doesn’t have the effect I was hoping for. Dorm Leader’s frown deepens, and she shoots a look at Hodge.
“You’re not ready.” Dorm Leader reaches up toward my head as if to remove the halo. I jerk my head away, reaching up to clamp the small plastic headset in place.
“I’m ready. Do it.” I grit my teeth.
Dorm Leader pats my elbow. “I don’t think so. We’ll try in a few weeks when—”
“No. Let her do it,” Wil urges. “We’ll just keep her down here until she’s okay to go back up. Teach her how to handle the memories. She’ll be great. You’ll see.”
“Wil, I’ve been doing this for longer than you’ve been alive. I’ve learned the hard way that it’s better to be cautious than to rush this step.” She reaches up to my head again, but I just clamp the halo down harder.
“I promise I won’t say anything,” I beg. “Please.”
She stares at me, an invisible war being fought behind her expression. I put all my pleading into my eyes.
“Please.”
For the longest time I’m sure she is going to take me out of there. But then she nods to Wil. He lets out a whoop of joy.
“Whoo! Okay, Cadence. Get ready to meet your family again!” With a few taps on his console keyboard, the halo begins to hum over my forehead. I only have a split second to feel nervous before my world fades to black.
The first thing I feel is pain. Then comes wave upon wave of nausea bubbling up through my stomach. I fight back the urge to vomit, and a rush of memory flies at me like a thousand infotab streams playing all at once: Sounds. Smells. Lights. Faces. Rooms and places that were completely new and totally familiar all at once.
I try to concentrate on one thing at a time: The feel of warm fabric against my skin. The smile at the corner of Mumma’s mouth. The smell of food cooking over the stove, warm and inviting. But the onslaught is too great. I am drowning in a flood of history, leaving me gasping for breath.
—
Memory date: Unknown
Memory location: My bedroom. Home.
My fingers are chubby and small. They reach up eagerly for the soft toy bear that Dadda holds out, snatching it away from him. Ted feels soft and warm against my face. I breathe in his fur, and the smell fills me with joy. When I laugh, the sound is small and childish.
“Lyric loves you, Cadence. Do you know that?” Dadda’s smile spreads across his face, and his deep brown eyes twinkle at me. “He loves you even more than Ted.”
“Where is Lyric, Dadda?”
“In his country. One day we’ll get to see him, Composer will it.”
I snuggle closer to Ted, wondering if Lyric’s country will smell like home too.
—
Memory date: Unknown
Memory location: Kitchen. Home.
Mumma stands beside the stove. The wooden spoon in her hand turns slow circles in the pot. She stares into the distance, her eyes red with spent tears. I run in to the kitchen toward her, holding my little paper bird.
“Mumma! Mumma! See? I made something for you!”
Mumma’s face changes as she snaps out of her reverie. A sad smile creases her face, and she quickly wipes at her eyes.
“That’s beautiful, sweetie.” Her voice cracks.
She wraps me in a hug. Her arms tighten around my shoulders, and soon her whole body is shaking with sobs. Her tears dampen my T-shirt.
—
Memory date: Unknown
Memory location: Lounge room. Home.
The lounge room is warm, thanks to the fireplace crackling away in the corner. I sit on a cushion near the fire, watching the Sirens slowly filter into the room. Their smiles are wide. Nobody speaks.
After half an hour, the room is full. Mumma enters and nods to everyone that the doors are safely locked. On Dadda’s signal, two of the men begin humming a low bass note. Other women and men begin to sing, and sweet harmonies flow over the bass like a river over the bedrock. The voices swell, and then Dadda begins the Song.
“In the beginning was the Lyric . . .” he sings in a voice that is strong and warm.
The whole group repeats each line after Dadda. Their tune is so sweet it makes me want to cry. As the song continues, harmonies weave around the melody like an intricate tapestry. I am caught in a wave of song, carried out of the room into an infinite reality, to the Composer’s own presence. I listen and smile. I am home, here with the Sirens and Lyric’s good news. No matter what happens outside our house, inside we are safe and loved.
“And the Lyric was with the Composer,
“And the Lyric was the Composer.
“He was with the Composer in the beginning . . .”
A warm, secure sense of peace falls over us all.
—
Memory date: Unknown
Memory location: Kitchen. Home.
Dadda sits across the table from me, his face smiling and earnest.
“You are doing so well, sweetie. You remember all the words already! Let’s try the tune to that one again.”
“Lyric and the sad man?”
“That’s the one.”
“I know how it goes, Dadda. Up here.” I tap my forehead. “So why can’t I get the notes right?”
“It takes time, Cadence. Your head knows the words, which is the most important thing. But your mouth and your throat need to practice how to make the proper notes. Watch me again, okay?”
“Okay, Dadda.”
He begins to hum, using his hand to show me the pitch. I eagerly copy his sounds, letting the words flow from my mouth. Dadda nods encouragement as I go.
“That’s it, Cadence. You’re going to be the most amazing Songbook one day.”
—
Memory date: CE 2273.247 (8 years ago)
Memory location: Nursery Dorm 492, assembly hall.
Up on the giant screen, a Love Squad soldier raises his baton and brings it down with deadly force on the back of Hater One. She falls to the ground, and the crowd lets out a wild whoop and cheer. A small drip of blood splatters on the ground beside her head.
The wild and raucous cheer echoes around the concrete walls of our assembly room. I raise my hands in the air with my friends and yell along with them. Then the cheer stutters into confused silence. Against all expectations, Hater One raises herself from the ground with slow, pained determination. The Apprentices around me begin to boo and hiss.
Hater One stands and faces the Love Squad soldier. Her Hater mask has broken, and my mother’s face swings into view, marred by blood and bruises. She mouths words that cannot be heard above the jeering audience. A trickle of blood runs down her neck as the jeering resolves into an unrelenting chant:
“Vote her off! Vote her off!”
My fingers flutter to the infotab sitting in my lap.
Every memory is a string of barbed wire, lacerating my emotions. Unable to stop the flow of my forgotten years I cry out. The pressure builds until my head feels like it is exploding in unbearable light, then as quickly as it comes, everything dissolves into black nothingness.
Voices filter into my hearing before I can open my eyes. A soft, tinny tune plays somewhere in the distance.
“Will she live?” I recognize that deep, gentle voice from somewhere. It’s someone tall, with olive skin and a scar on their face like . . .
“You’ve seen this before, Hodge. You know she’ll get through it.” Another guy speaks. His voice is more playful and confident, and not as deep. He’s the guy with piercing green eyes and a face that could easily be an infotab stream idol.
“It’s perfectly normal. Maybe a little long, but that’s to be expected from someone with Cadence’s . . . gift.” Whoever is speaking now has a calm, gentle voice. It’s a voice I’ve heard before, if only I could get through this mind fog to find the memory. I try to open my eyes, but they’re welded shut for some reason. The tinny music keeps on playing, a soft, crackling soundtrack behind the chaos. I feel as if I should know the tune, but my brain’s normal recall system seems to be broken.
“She’s been out for three days. That’s longer than anyone I’ve seen before,” says the deep voice. Hodge, that’s his name. My bunk room leader. Scar down his left cheek. He sounds like he’s standing a few feet away.
“Stop bothering Akela, Hodge. If she says this is normal, then it’s normal.”
“No problem, Wil. Oh wait. How many three-day recoveries have you seen again?” Hodge sounds sarcastic now.
“What does it matter? Everyone upstairs thinks she’s in Watcher isolation anyway. This just helps our cover story.” Wil keeps that bright, confident tone in his voice.
“The girl is unconscious, and all you can think about is the revolution.”
“One of us has to.”
“Boys, let her rest.” The woman’s calm voice has a note of exasperation in it this time.
“Fine.” The response is in unison.
I try to cut into the conversation again, but my mouth won’t move. Footsteps shuffle around me, and then there’s a gentle pressure across my forehead. The plastic halo shifts a little, and there’s an answering beep from somewhere across the room. Inside my head, the music hiccups, then continues its winding song.
“Anything yet?” Akela’s fingers brush across my forehead as she asks.
“There’s an uptick in the waveform, so she should be coming back up soon.”
“Good.”
A soft groan escapes from my lips. The tinny music stutters. My mother’s face is there, her sad smile replaced with a horrific, bloody mask. I try to run away from the memory, but all I manage to do is turn my head slightly to the left. Her death mask remains, mocking me.
“Cadence?” Akela asks outside my head somewhere.
“Mmm,” I mumble, still trying to flee from the unwanted mental image.
“Can you speak?”
“Mm-yah.” My mouth feels like it’s full of cotton. Dry and stuck together.
“See, Hodge? Nothing to worry about.” Wil’s bright, chirpy voice lifts my spirits a little.
Hodge sounds unconvinced. “I’ll relax later,” he says. “When she can say actual words.”
With a huge effort, I blink away the sleepy haze from my eyes. The bunker treatment room slowly comes into focus. Three concerned faces watch me from various spots in the room. Akela is closest, hovering over my head. Near the door, Wil peers at me from behind the ancient console. Hodge is leaning against the rusty filing cabinet, his arms folded and a stern scowl on his face. His expression softens when he catches me looking at him.
“You took your time.”
I try to sit up, feeling a dozy kind of ache around my temple. My cheeks are wet and my eyes feel as dry as sandpaper. But that memory of my mother refuses to fade. Every time I blink, she’s there again.
“Don’t move just yet,” Akela warns. “We need to make sure you’re stable before we get you out of there.”
Ignoring her, I continue to struggle to sit. The ache in my head grows and throbs with a persistent, uncomfortable rhythm. I go to put my head in my hands, but the plastic halo presses uncomfortably against my skull.
I moan.
“Lie down, idiot,” Wil says. I ignore him.
“I must look awful,” I finally speak, lifting my head back up with effort. “Sorry.”
“Don’t be sorry.” Hodge is looking straight into my eyes.
“This isn’t your fault,” Akela assures me.
Wil crosses his arms and leans back in his chair. “None of us looked like model material when we were in your place. Believe me.” I know he is lying. I’m willing to bet my infotab he’s never had a bad hair day in his life.
Akela presses a cup into my fingers, and I drink. The water tastes metallic and stale, but it quenches my thirst. My lips are cracked and dry. I look up into Akela’s face, and the image of my mother finally disappears. In its place, a long-forgotten memory floats gracefully back into my mind.
“Hello, Lyra,” I say.
Akela’s eyes fill with tears.