11.   What to Expect When You‘re Expecting to Submit

Domination is one of the most popular requests any phone sex operator gets. It’s a great way for you as a submissive (bottom, catcher, slavegirl, bad boy, choose your own label here) to dip your toe in the water, to learn, to satisfy those urges if you’re alone or with an unwilling partner, or to just add spice to your sex life.

While domination is a fairly specialized field, the phone sex companies know that there is a high demand for it, so they generally urge their operators to add it to their list of specialties. This means that the majority of advertised Phone Mistresses have no training in the art at all.

So how can you find the right one? Well, if you’re surfing the web, look at the written profiles. Is the description appealing to your particular desires or is there a lot of general fantasy material with a quick “I can also be the Mistress of your dreams” tacked on at the end? Forget the pictures of the riding-crop-brandishing goddesses in black leather – read the text.

If the service you call has a switchboard operator, she can probably connect you to the person who best fits your fantasies. If you’re calling a potential phone sex operator directly, try asking her which role she prefers. Given a choice, I’d rather be submissive than dominant; not coincidentally, I’m a better bottom than I am a top. The women I know who are best at domination are generally those who enjoy it.

(This doesn’t mean that some bottoms aren’t also excellent tops, of course, but you have a better chance at a really satisfying call if you find someone who likes what she does.)

One definite don’t: Don’t try to make a dominatrix out of someone who isn’t, unless you can be very specific about your fantasies. Almost any good phone sex operator can do a decent job if you give her a script, but if you don’t want to plan out the entire scenario in advance, you’re likely to be disappointed. If she says that domination isn’t her thing, look for someone else.

Now, before you dial for the first time, sit down and think honestly about what you want. You won’t have much luck if you just call and say that you want to be dominated. Being dominated means different things to different people, and no matter how much experience a phone sex operator has, she can’t read your mind.

Negotiating a scene with a pro phone domme is not the same as negotiating with a lover. You may feel that all you want is to please her, but in the end this is a financial transaction for both of you. Calling a phone sex operator and saying that you just want to please her is like walking into a store and telling the salesperson that you want to buy whatever she likes best. She doesn’t care what you buy – what’s important to her is that you walk away a satisfied customer. She’ll be happy if you’re happy, and she needs to know whether you’re looking for, say, a pair of shoes or a pink flamingo lawn ornament.

If you don’t specify, you might end up in a fantasy call that involves:

•  Worshipping your domina’s body with your tongue, and having her sit on your face and smother you with her pussy; or

•  Dressing up in women’s lingerie, serving tea, and painting your Mistress’s toenails; or

•  Being dressed in diapers, getting a spanking from your Mommy, and being put to bed; or

•  Clipping clothespins all over your body, masturbating with sandpaper, and eating your own semen; or

•  Sucking another man’s cock or having him fuck your ass, while your domme tells you how pathetic your tiny little penis is.

Does every single one of those choices interest you equally? If not, think about your submissive fantasies and you’ll probably find that your favorites revolve around fairly specific scenarios, or at least definable areas.

Here are the most popular types of femdom fantasies that I’ve encountered in my career as a phone sex operator. There are hundreds of thousands of combinations and variations, so see what appeals to you and explore.

The simplest form of phone domination is simply sensuous teasing. I’m not a hardcore dominatrix, but I love to tease. It’s wonderfully sexy to see how long I can keep a caller right on the edge of orgasm – sometimes until he’s groaning aloud and aching for release. Simple but oh, so thrilling!

Another popular game is directed masturbation. In its most basic form, this kind of play involves the phone sex operator telling you exactly how, where, and when to touch yourself. She might have you rub yourself against your sheets, stroke yourself with lotion or lubricant, and sit, stand, or kneel in various positions. She may instruct you to use a cock ring if you have one, or to improvise one out of a ribbon or shoelace.

If you’re interested in anal play, she’ll probably order you to play with your asshole with your fingers, a dildo or butt plug, or other item. If you have toys you like to use, let her know at the beginning of the call so she can incorporate them. Also, if you emphatically do not want the call to involve anal play, you might mention this at the beginning of the call as well to prevent awkward stops and starts later on.

Two safety notes here: First, don’t stick anything up your butt that you can possibly lose your grip on. (All that lube gets slippery!) Play with toys specifically designed for anal use – they’ll have wide bases or firmly attached leashes. Also, toys should never go from your ass straight into your mouth (or into your vagina, if you happen to have one) without first being disinfected. The easiest way to keep yourself safe is to use a condom for anal play, then simply remove and discard it.

If you like to play with stronger sensations like pain, your dominatrix might command you to spank yourself with your hand, hairbrush, wooden spoon, belt, or other implement. She might order you to use clips or clothespins on your nipples, cock, balls, or other places, or to intensify your sensations with ice or some heat-producing substance like Ben-Gay.

One of the rules will probably be that you have to warn her if you’re about to come. Then she’ll make you pull back, slow down, and start again. Depending on her skill and your stamina (and wallet), these games can go on for a very long time.

Not only will she tell you what to do, she might also forbid you to touch yourself or to climax. This kind of so-called orgasm control can last only a short time (say, to the count of 20), for a slightly longer time (five to ten minutes or more), or for the insanity-inducing extended term (“Goodbye, slave, call me back tomorrow night and I’ll consider letting you come then.”). Obviously you don’t have to obey her – after all, it’s ultimately your money and your body – but games are more fun if you play by the rules.

If you like more dangerous diversions, some phone sex operators are expert in the practice of financial domination. “So, you perverted little puppy, you want to come today? Well, how much are you willing to pay for the privilege, hmmm?” Tip your Mistress $20 and maybe she’ll change her mind about making you wait. Or maybe she’ll demand that you pay five dollars per minute from now until you climax.

These kinds of games can make for some delicious dilemmas: “All right, you naughty boy, either you pay $100 for an orgasm tonight, or you’re not allowed to touch yourself for a week. You have one minute to decide.”

Just keep in mind that when your balls are aching, your brain might be on vacation, so don’t offer a bigger tribute than you can afford. And if financial domination appeals to you, let your Mistress know your economic limits ahead of time (in other words, when your brain is firmly in control). That way you won’t get deeper in debt than you can easily afford. Better yet, confirm those instructions via e-mail so that you have a written record of your request should you ever encounter trouble.

Some people like to involve bondage in a call. I once had a client who e-mailed me the combination to his padlock, then chained himself to his bed. He was completely at my mercy, because he literally couldn’t free himself until I let him. (He claimed that he didn’t remember the combination and couldn’t get to it while chained.)

I have to admit, this was an exciting scene, but in retrospect it was dangerous and stupid. I no longer do anything involving self-bondage, despite the temptation, because it’s just too risky. It’s ridiculously easy to immobilize yourself accidentally – a key can fall behind a piece of furniture, a lock can jam, sweat can make knots tighten, or there could be an unexpected power failure. For your own safety, keep restrictive bondage to the realm of fantasy or save it for when you have a spotter.

Another common fantasy is cross-dressing (also known as feminization or forced fem). This can be anything from putting on a pair of panties and masturbating, to a total transformation complete with high heels, stockings, and a wig. It might or might not include verbal humiliation – are you proud to be a pretty, sexy girl or mortified to be disgusting male chauvinist pig who needs a lesson in what it’s like to be a woman?

Your phone domme can intensify feminization scenes by making you shave (your legs, your chest, your pubic hair), or forcing you to wear lipstick and polish your nails. If she’s particularly evil, she might send you to a lingerie shop to (horror of horrors!) ask the salesperson for help in picking out an outfit for yourself.

Speaking of being out in public, here’s another powerful fantasy: What would your neighbors or your wife or your coworkers think if they knew you were really a slaveboy slut under the total control of a beautiful Mistress? If this idea shames and delights you, you might have a taste for the almost unbearably exciting game of public humiliation (or, at least, potential public humiliation).

Your phone domina might require you to stand near a window with your hard cock in your hand and open the curtains just a bit. Maybe you’ll call her from your car phone (pull over first, please!) and she’ll make you fondle yourself right there in the front seat. Who knows who might pass by?

Maybe she’ll force you to go to the store, buy some sexy thong underwear, and wear it under your clothes to work. Then you’ll have to call her from your office and beg permission to go into the bathroom and jerk off. (Of course you might have to leave the office door open a crack when you call.) Even more dangerous, she might demand your cell phone or pager number and make you wait in delicious agony all day for her summons.

Secret adventures like these can be dizzyingly erotic, but you’ve got to be careful. Is the thrill worth your job or your family if you get caught? Don’t give out your pager number if you’re calling behind your wife’s back. Don’t give out your voicemail number if someone else occasionally picks up your messages. Just be sensible.

So how do you start?

If you feel nervous or shy the first time or two, you might try asking the phone sex operator to tell you a story so you can just listen. Again, you’ll need to give her a general idea of what kind of story you want to hear, but this is a good way to get to know a potential phone domme before you actually submit to her.

For example, start with something like, “Can you tell me about the last time you and your boyfriend dominated someone together?” If she says she doesn’t have a story like that, ask her to suggest one of her favorite domination stories. If she says yes, you might take the opportunity to mention things you especially like or dislike. Statements like “I’d love to hear how you dressed him up in high heels and a wig,” or “I don’t like anything involving piercing or blood” give her a better idea of where to go with the story.

When you get braver and more comfortable, you can try a question like, “Have you ever used a strap-on?” When she answers yes (and she probably will), you can respond with something like, “I’ve always wanted to try that,” or “I’m a little afraid to try that.” She’ll guide you from there.

Being a “submissive customer” may seem odd at first, but always keep firmly in mind that you’re in charge of how much you want to submit. And if one phone domina doesn’t rev your engine, try another. You’re the client and you should get what you want. Even if what you want is to be debased and humiliated for your pleasure!