It was a big surprise. A shock really. We were rehearsing The Red Mill, and I had forgotten my cane in the second act. Kitty Carlisle was directing, although Toca claimed he was. She knew a lot more about theater than he did, it turns out. She wanted me to do a little dance with a cane. “Like Clark Gable did in Fool’s Paradise with Norma Shearer,” she said.
Steve didn’t dance with me in this act. It was just the students as happy peasants and the leading lady and me. I was in good voice that day. On the break I ran back into my room to get the cane. It was only a few minutes away. I opened the door, and Steve was on his hands and knees on my bed naked and Graham was fucking him, kneeling over him with his hands down on the bed on either side of Steve. Steve’s head was down and Graham’s head was back.
Isn’t it strange how you get a flash of something like that for only a second, but you remember every detail? I shut the door immediately. It couldn’t have been open for more than a quarter of a second. It was too important. I knew I didn’t want anyone else to know. Nina must never know. And they must never know that I saw them.
Those two beautiful bodies. Steve’s erection was hanging down. He was really erect. It made me think of mules you see in the fields in the countryside.
Graham was not wearing a condom. I even caught that in the flash that I was reviewing in my head over and over again as I ran back to the rehearsal. “I must have left the cane somewhere else,” I told them.
I did an excellent rehearsal, remembered my lines, sang well, and even remembered my little dance. I used a stick I found lying on the ground for a cane. Kitty was pleased.
But another scene was running over and over again in my head. Steve’s olive-skinned body with no bathing suit whiteness, on all fours under Graham. And Graham moving in and out rhythmically without hurrying. His paler body, a little more muscular than Steve’s, hanging over him. He had great lats and strong upper arms. His eyes were open, but he was lost in the sensations of the sex. It was like two animals mating. It was beautiful.
After rehearsal Steve was waiting, and he wanted to fuck me. I let him. We went back to his room, and he was very eager to have at me. I took off my clothes and knelt on the bed. “Let’s do it this way,” I said. He didn’t register any surprise or say anything. He mounted me. I checked with one hand, and he was wearing a condom. So much for that anyway. He took his time, and it was very much a replay of the scene I had seen so briefly, except he was playing the Graham role. While he was fucking me I was thinking, How did that happen? How did that happen? Where were Nina and Theo? Has Graham been thinking about this for some time? It made me rethink Graham completely.
When he was all done Steve pulled off his condom and threw it in the corner. Falling down on the bed he pulled me down against him, my back to his front, and felt for me. “You didn’t come, did you?” he said.
He began to masturbate me and turned my head so he could kiss me. It was something like a very capable nurse taking over and doing what had to be done.
“Hold me very, very tightly,” I said. I realized that I loved him very much. What a pickle I was in.
When we both came, he still held me and spoke into my ear. “I know we’re not lovers, but I still want to tell you something. I had sex with Graham this afternoon.”
I didn’t react but said, “Where?”
“This is probably the worst part,” he said. “On your bed.”
I said nothing. I didn’t move away from him. He still held me against him tightly.
“I was going to go shopping with Nina, but Theo had an earache and she had taken him to the doctor in Charlestour. I went up to your room to get the Marilyn Monroe biography you had just finished. I thought I’d go back to my room and read. Graham followed me upstairs and came into the room behind me and pushed me down onto the bed and climbed on top of me. I could feel his cock pressing against me, already hard, and you know your brain just stops working.”
“Once he went that far you might as well just fuck,” I said. “The deed is done.”
Steve said, “He never really talked to me. We just stood up, pulled our clothes off, and went at it. But it wasn’t entirely by chance. He had a tube of Vaseline in his pocket. He had been thinking about it.”
“You are irresistible,” I said and started crying. I turned around and Steve held me. At least he didn’t push me away, even if we weren’t lovers.
“Heh,” he said. “I usually don’t do that, but there didn’t seem to be any choice. And I’ve been thinking about it. With sex with men we get to see both sides of the coin. And I’m beginning to think that the one who gets fucked is the real victor. There’s something of a fight about the whole thing, isn’t there? Who’s going to be the winner? I read Aldous Huxley, and he wrote that lovemaking was like two maniacs struggling in the dark.
“Women have the same feeling. The one who is doing the fucking is the dominant one. Imposing himself on the other body. But when he comes he collapses, and he is entirely at your mercy, if you haven’t come yet. When two people come at the same time, there isn’t a winner. That’s what’s so wonderful about you. You always manage to come at the same time so we can sort of fall down that ladder into nowhere together. Except for today. You knew, didn’t you?”
“How could I know?” I said.
“Because you love me. You knew it. You felt it. And you let me fuck you anyway. Because I didn’t come with Graham. And he didn’t ask. He didn’t kiss me. He just pulled out. Went to the washstand and wiped off with your towel and pulled on his shorts and T-shirt and left. He didn’t look at me. I needed you when I came downstairs. Does needing someone mean you love them?” I made a mental note not to use my towel again.
I sat up. “I don’t think so. I think it means you need them. That’s all.”
“Maybe I don’t have any idea what being in love is,” Steve said. We sat beside each other on the edge of the bed, both naked, without touching.
“Maybe,” I said. “It feels different when you have sex with someone you love. One thing I can tell you. You have the feeling that you don’t want this person to be with anyone else. You don’t want to lose them.”
“But you can never really hang onto anyone,” Steve said.
“I think you mean that no one can really hang onto you,” I said. “You don’t want to be hung onto. You want to be free. And then you don’t want to be free. You need a parent, maybe.”
“I do know that the more I like someone and want to be with them the less I feel like having sex with them,” Steve said.
“I guess I’m lucky that you don’t want to stay with me,” I said.
“Who wouldn’t want to fuck you?” Steve said. He ran his hand down my back and under my butt and left it there. One finger was moving around. I looked down. He had an erection. What do you do with a guy when his erection is telling you he doesn’t love you? I guess you get up and sit down on it facing him and put your arms around his neck and say, “This time from the front.” I let him do it without a condom.
This time as we lay in each other’s arms Steve said in my ear, “This is a dangerous world. It’s out to destroy you. Particularly if you are beautiful. If you are not beautiful it can get around to you later. I’d like to protect you, but I can’t even protect myself.”
I said, “It’s even more dangerous for me, Steve, because I love you. If we get really close, then you are going to stop wanting to make love to me. When we talk like this we are getting closer and closer.”
“This kind of closeness is even better for me than sex. You can have sex with anybody,” Steve said.
“I can’t,” I said.