There was a big storm last night and many branches have been torn out of the trees. Now I won’t be doing Tea and Sympathy, Graham should get the movie, so perhaps nature is joining me in shifting gears, moving on, entering a new phase of life.
The air feels different. I went for a walk this morning. I woke up earlier than usual. And you could feel that there was something changed. Did the storm change the ions in the air? It was clearer, crisper, not summery at all. Time to put on tweed jackets, stride briskly about, regret nothing, eyes facing directly ahead.
Estelle sought me out after the rehearsals that I walked out on. She came to the house and sat in the living room. She said, “I want you to understand, Hugo, that not doing this play may be a disappointment, but it will have no effect on your career at all. None. I repeat, none. I don’t know what Cranston is thinking of. I suspect that I know very well, but then again, perhaps I don’t. And it certainly is not necessary for us to discuss it. You have something, Hugo. I don’t know if it could be called acting ability. But when you are onstage, people want to look at you. Even the people onstage with you. That is not a common quality. It’s up to you to decide what you want to do with it.”
“My only real disappointment is not having been able to do the play with you, Estelle,” I said. “I would have learned so much.”
“That is undeniably true,” she said and laughed. “I don’t know that I’m such a remarkable actress, but I do know all the tricks of the trade. You can come study with me once we’re all back in New York. I’ll give you a scholarship.” She came over and hugged me very close where I sat on the big ottoman. She smelled delicious. Je Reviens, I think. “I Will Be Back.” What better motto to face the future? I went for another walk. I didn’t particularly want to see Steve. For the moment, I wanted to walk into this time of my life by myself.