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Men are missing from the lives of women and children today in increasing numbers. Almost half of all babies born in the twenty-first century in the United States are born out of wedlock. Single mothers and fatherless children are an increasing phenomena in our culture today. Many women are left on their own to wonder: Where are the good men? Where are the fathers?
The reasons for this sad state of affairs are many: there are massive cultural shifts, there is personal irresponsibility and dereliction, and there is too little education and intentional preparation of boys for manhood. Much too often men perceive fatherhood only as a burden, not a privilege. Fewer and fewer men understand the virtues and rewards of marriage and fatherhood. Since the sexual revolution and our culture’s transition into a postmodern, “liberated” society, the ideas of love and marriage have been cheapened, confused, and diluted. Cultural anthropologist David Murray remarked that when you see a young child with a woman walking down the street today it’s a natural fact, but when you see a young child with an attentive man it’s a cultural achievement.
Let’s remember that marriage was originally designed for the benefit of men and women, to advance them, not to hold them back. In the Bible’s creation account, woman was created to be a companion to man because God saw that it was not good that man should be alone in the world. Aristotle was one of the first to write that the family is the basic social unit of society. “The family,” he said, “is the association established by nature for the supply of men’s every day wants.” Within a family a man is able to provide for himself, his wife, and his children while helping to sustain mankind. The family is the first form of community, government, and society, and the first and best department of health, education, and welfare.
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Marriage provides emotional, physical, and even financial stability that men have difficulty sustaining on their own. But like most things in life, there is no blueprint for a perfect marriage. It is one of life’s most complex, beautiful, and yet challenging institutions. Men and woman are independent, unique individuals and like the pieces of a cosmic puzzle, they are joined together in ways that only our Creator knows. C. S. Lewis wrote, “Now Eros [the Greek word for love] makes a man really want, not a woman, but one particular woman. In some mysterious but quite indisputable fashion the lover desires the Beloved herself, not the pleasure she can give.”
Call it what you might—love-at-first-sight or falling in love—there is an unexplainable attraction that a man feels toward a woman. From the Bible to Shakespeare to modern cinema, the story of love remains the most powerful story in human life. The famous writer Anton Chekhov said, “He-and-she is the machine that makes fiction work.” Victor Hugo, the author of Les Miserables, remarked, “The supreme happiness in life is the conviction that we are loved.” The trials of courtship and “dating” are the process by which man refines and tests his love, and interest in, a woman and vice versa. It’s not an easy task, but approached the right way, namely discerning between physical attraction and real love, a man can ensure himself a long and happy marriage (or avoid the opposite).
A task even more daunting than dating and courting is marriage. One only needs to look at the rising divorce rates, the countless number of self-help books for spouses, and the creation of an entire therapeutic industry for marriage counseling. Men are not entirely to blame for this, but as Joseph Conrad quipped, “Being a woman is a terribly difficult task, since it consists principally in dealing with men.” This chapter focuses on ways men can prepare themselves, improve themselves, and be good husbands and fathers.
As you will see in the following passages, the lessons from history and virtuous men teach men to respect women, pursue them for the right reasons, and weigh carefully their actions and words with them. “Love and respect woman,” as the Italian philosopher Giuseppe Mazzini said. “Look to her not only for comfort, but for strength and inspiration and the doubling of your intellectual and moral powers.”
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If a man knows how to treat his wife properly, he will know how to raise his children. The same qualities of a healthy marriage—respect, devotion, loyalty, and compassion—will help a man instill in his children a moral compass that sets them on the right paths in life. Man, woman, and children are the great nucleus of life. And it ripples outward. President Ronald Reagan said, “All great change starts at the dinner table.”