They sat around the dining table in near silence, eating the meatloaf that Will had somehow managed to make every bit as well as Rose used to.
It was too awkward to talk to Cade like she normally would, and Rose hadn’t seemed overly impressed with Cade in general – Jena didn’t want to make that worse.
‘Would you ever consider farming, Cade?’ Rose asked. She wasn’t eating the meatloaf, just a little mashed potato and peas, with some cheese grated on top. Jena ground her teeth together to stop herself from saying something about that, because now that Rose was out of bed it was apparent just how skinny she’d gotten, and she wasn’t going to gain any weight on mashed spuds alone.
Cade laughed; the sound was harsh. Jena glared at him.
‘No, ma’am, I’m not really the physical labour kind of guy. Never spent much time on a farm before, and if I have to be outdoors, I’d rather be on my board in the ocean.’
‘Are you any good?’ Rose asked.
‘Huh?’
Jena nudged him with her knee under the table. Hard.
‘I mean, pardon?’ He looked at Jena, the expression in his eyes suggesting that he, at least, thought he was trying. He could be trying much harder as far as she was concerned.
‘At surfing. Are you good at it? Do you compete?’ Rose took a sip of water, her hand shaking slightly as she put the glass back down.
Jena swallowed a lump in her throat when she noticed it was plastic. Lighter. And even with that, Rose’s hand had trembled.
‘Oh, I get ya. No, never been much for competition. I just like the way it makes me feel. Kind of at peace, like the world is a better place.’
Rose ate another bite of potato. Jena could have sworn she was only eating to avoid saying something unkind. Not that Jena could really blame her.
It had been a bad idea bringing him here. Even after all these years, Rose’s opinion held weight, and Jena couldn’t help but think there was something to that. Did Jena really want to be with Cade forever? He’d been fun, and he was kind to her, didn’t push her too hard.
Which meant that there wasn’t as much depth to their relationship as there could be, but it was safer that way. Wasn’t it? Her grandfather had left when her mother was just a kid, and after all these years of wondering whether her father was to blame for the fire – or her – it was no wonder she kept things shallow. She didn’t want to be let down too. She needed to be ….
Safe.
‘And what about you, Jena?’
She looked at Rose and then back at her plate. ‘I’m no farmer. Besides, I kind of thought this was the last place you wanted me.’
Silence.
Jena watched Rose as she chewed, the tension in her jaw the only sign that she was disturbed by Jena’s comment.
Say something, she willed her grandmother. Just say something. Anything. Show me you care.
Jena took another bite of meatloaf and swallowed, before glancing around the table. Cade was busy looking at the whorls and knots of the table. Will’s eyes were wide, his fingers clasping his knife and fork firmly, as if he’d suddenly realised that shit was about to get real, but Rose was passive.
She dabbed her lips with a paper towel and placed it on her plate.
‘I think I’ve had enough for the night. Will, could you help me back to my room?’
‘Of course, Rose.’ He flicked Jena an apologetic glance before getting up and pushing Rose’s wheelchair out of the room.
‘I can’t believe she just left like that,’ Cade said. ‘Are you okay?’
‘Yeah, I am,’ she said, her eyes still on the space Rose had occupied. ‘She was always telling us not to be rude at the dinner table, and there I go, getting straight to the point. Being direct wasn’t something our family did, at least, not in front of company.’
‘Well she sure knows how to put a conversation to bed, doesn’t she?’ Cade nudged her shoulder with his and she had to laugh.
‘Come on, finish your dinner and we’ll clean up. Will cooked, so it’s only fair.’ Jena put her knife and fork together on her plate, reverting to the old habits from her childhood.
‘Actually, I think what’s fair is that you go and have a shower, and I clean up.’
‘What? What’s going on here?’ Jena raised an eyebrow. It wasn’t like him to help out in the kitchen. Maybe he could see how hard this was on her, though. She might as well make the most of it. ‘You’re the best, you know that?’ She kissed him on the cheek and stood up. ‘I’ll see you soon.’
Cade turned back to his meal and she left him to it. He could eat half his body weight before he got full, but it never seemed to turn into fat. Lucky bastard. She shook her head with a grin. But a decent bastard.
Her bastard.
Jena trudged up the stairs, the weight of the food in her stomach – the weight of Rose’s shut-down – making her weary.
She opened the bathroom door and turned on the tap for the shower. It was the same layout from when she was a kid, though they’d had it redone. It still looked almost new, but then, Jena guessed there hadn’t been many people using this over the years. She left it to warm up and ducked down to her bedroom to grab a towel and her PJs. She didn’t know which room Will was staying in, but she didn’t want to bump into him dressed only in a towel.
The air had filled with steam by the time she got back. She hung the towel on the hook and scrubbed her hand over the bathroom mirror. She could see a reflection of herself at age ten, staring back at her, pale face with freckles, dark hair and dark eyes, red rimmed from crying.
Rose had made her shower after the event, wash the smoke off her body and the feathers from her hair. It had been the last time she’d really looked at herself here, and she’d had no idea what life might deliver. No hope it would be anything good, that was for sure.
And what she had …. It was better than what it could have been. There were a thousand darker paths she could have walked down.
She wiped her hand across the mirror again, erasing that echo of herself, and stripped off before stepping under the stream of water and letting the past few days wash away from her. The hot water pelted her skin. There was no crying in this temperature, just scalding heat, searing through her emotions, burning everything away.
Once she was thoroughly pink-skinned, she shut off the water and dried, slipping on her PJs and wrapping her hair in the towel. She peered out of the bathroom door, but the landing was clear and she scuttled to her room, closing the door behind her and exhaling in relief.
Jena crossed to the window, staring out at the approaching darkness. Autumn was well and truly here; clouds covered the darkening sky, and the wind had picked up, making the trees sway. A black and white bird took off from its roost and flew towards the house, then it dipped, diving straight for her window, only pulling up just before the glass to rest on the ledge and peer at her with one eye.
‘Shoo,’ she said, motioning with her hands to get the thing to go away. Her heart was pounding, only the knowledge that there was glass between them making this okay. She didn’t want to see it, though, didn’t want to think about it. When it didn’t budge, she closed the curtains and walked away.
Tap tap tap.
She froze.
Tap tap tap.
Jena spun on her heel and grabbed the curtain, yanking it open. There were two birds there now and she could see more in the distance, the white streaks on their bodies standing out against the dark sky. Her heart scrabbled in her chest, like a chick pecking free of its egg, something inside her desperate to get out.
Tap tap tap.
Both of them now, tapping.
No. She wasn’t going to deal with this. Not tonight.
She closed the curtains again and grabbed her phone, finding some music and putting her headphones on to block out the sound.
She hoped she’d be able to ignore that incessant tapping until she went to sleep.