The alleyway between the restaurant and the bakery next door was dark so I couldn't see Jameson behind me, but I felt the warmth radiating up off his skin, which raised perverse goosebumps along my arm. It made no sense how I could be flushed so hot, yet freezing cold at the same time, and yet, here I was, trying like hell not to babble into the phone. "Hi!" I said brightly. "How's he doing?"
"He ate three entire sweet potatoes," Maisie laughed. "I've never seen a kid eat like this before."
I smiled warmly. "That's my boy," I said, then took a deep breath. "Hey, uh, listen," I said, turning and darting another look at Jameson's glinting eyes. "Something come up. Any way you can watch him another couple hours?"
"Oh, sure no problem," Maisie said breezily. "He's asleep anyway. Out like a light."
"Wow! Really? How awesome, that's great, he must like you because he never goes down easy at home," I babbled. The way Jameson was nodding his head along with my conversation, a little grin playing around his mouth, had me completely flummoxed.
"What time will you be back?" Maisie asked.
I widened my eyes. "Not late!" I squeaked. The corner of Jameson's mouth turned down, and I shrugged and spread my hands. "What?" I mouthed.
He shook his head. But I missed what Maisie was saying. "What was that?" I said.
"I said it is not a problem," she repeated. "See you soon."
I sighed with relief as I hung up my phone.
"See?" Jameson chided gently. "Good things happen, you just have to put it out there."
I rolled my eyes. "Things don't usually work out like that," I reminded him.
He smiled again. "Sure they do," he said. "You ready?"
I looked down at my work uniform. "Are you kidding me?" I gasped. "There's no way I'm going to the casino dressed like this. People will be asking me for their drink order."
Jameson laughed. The way that this skin around the corners of his eyes crinkled made me feel strangely comfortable. Like it was a flaw, but a good flaw, one that meant that he laughed a lot.
He shrugged again. "Then I'll follow you home so you can change." He grinned. "In my dented car."
He extended his arm and with the feeling of utter bewilderment, I took it.
From the moment I got pregnant with Malcolm, I swore off dating entirely. Not that I really had to make a concerted effort not to. A single mother? That's dating kryptonite. Men fled from me like I had the plague, which, with Malcolm's often snotty nose, I very well could have. That first year after he was born he was sick more often than he was well, and consequently I was too. Sleep deprived with red-rimmed eyes and a runny nose is not a good look to take to the bars.
So I sort of had gotten used to the idea of being undatable. It was almost a comfort. Schlepping around in my sweats with my nursing bra and unshaven legs, I didn't have to worry about looking cute, and honestly that was the last thing on my mind. I'd much rather be comfortable.
But it had gone on so long, that now the idea of having to look cute was almost a foreign concept. Did I even have something to wear tonight? Did anything that I used to wear out those nights that I was free even fit me anymore?
I pulled into my driveway and ran into the house before Jameson could even open his door.
"Hey Mom," I whispered, standing on the other side of her closed door. "Did you eat today?"
I heard the sound of her shifting on her mattress. "I had toast," came her weak voice.
"That's really great," I said encouragingly.
"I need to be alone," she called, a little more loudly.
"I know, Mom. I'm just stopping in real quick." I waited. If she were feeling good, this would be when she demanded to know what I was up to.
I said a selfish prayer of thanks to her bad spell and stepped back from the door when she didn't question me.
Quickly, I went to my room, the same one I'd had since I was a kid. Malcolm's bassinet sat in one corner under the slope of the steeply pitched roofline. He normally slept in his crib in the tiny room at the top of the stairs, but sometimes I still put him in the bassinet on nights when he needed to be close to me...or I needed to be close to him.
Seeing it empty sent a strange pang through me and I hurried over to my closet. I rummaged through like some kind of slideshow of my life in reverse. Here in the front were my black work shirts bought specially for my position at Indigo. Here were my stained t shirts and the hoodies that were my wardrobe staples these days. But behind those were the remnants of my old life. I took a deep breath as I went flipping past the plunging necklines and the high-slitted skirts. That wasn't me anymore, but who was I?
Whoever I was, for some reason, Jameson was interested in me, and the thought of his blue eyes crinkling at the corners made me flush hot. I flipped to the very back, and zeroed in on a simple red shift dress. I remembered I had picked it up at the thrift store one summer after all the tourists had left. The question now was, would it fit?
I dashed to the window, and looked out. Jameson was still standing out there, leaning comfortably against the hood of his rental car looking for all the world like there was nowhere that he'd rather be than on my shitty block, in the shitty section of town.
I wondered how long it was going to take for him to realize that this was a waste of his time. He was from out of town. I was a mom. There was no way this could be a regular thing at all.
Was I okay with this being a one night thing?
I glanced out the window again. His sleeves were rolled up around his forearms, and the golden hairs glinted in the streetlight.
Yes, I was okay with that.
Parts of me had been dead for far too long. Parts of me didn't even feel like they belonged to me anymore.
Those parts stirred a little, like they were waking from a long sleep. I hurried back to my closet, and yanked the dress over my head. Mercifully, it fit.
He was waiting, so there was no time to do it up do it up like I used to. I only had time to dab gloss on my lips, and re-coil my unruly mop back up on top of my head. But this time, I let a few pieces fall in ringlets down to my shoulders, a look I knew worked for me. I smiled at myself in the mirror. I looked tired, but then again, I was always tired, and this wasn't going to be anything more than a quick wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am.
Exactly what I needed.
I was ready to come out and play.