You’re staying to help, right?” Biena pinned Jerry with one of her serious stares. “You’ve finished your work for the day, and it’s a beautiful Saturday afternoon.”
“What makes you think I don’t have things to do at Onkel Saul’s haus?” Jerry shifted his truck into park and leaned on the steering wheel.
Biena’s lips turned up in one of her mischievous smiles as she pointed toward the garden. “Because Clara is here.”
Jerry bit back a groan. How could his little sister read him so well? He looked out toward the garden, where Clara sat on a bucket and worked in the soil. Then his gaze moved to the back porch, where Ephraim, Chris, and Wayne seemed to be working on the storm door. He recalled that Ephraim mentioned it.
“I could help the guys replace Emma’s door.”
“There you go.” Biena smacked his arm. “That’s a gut excuse to stay.” Then she pushed open the truck door, stepped out, and slammed it shut. “I’ll see you later,” she called before hurrying toward the garden.
Jerry climbed out of the truck and walked up the path to the porch. As he moved past the garden, he spotted Biena talking to Clara, who’d looked up with her hands tented over her eyes. Clara glanced over at Jerry and waved.
Jerry waved back and then jogged up the porch steps. “You three look like you need some expert advice.”
“Ya?” Wayne looked around. “Do you see an expert anywhere, Ephraim?”
“No. I can’t say that I do.”
“Did we call for an expert?” Chris chimed in.
“Uh-huh. I see how it is.” Jerry leaned back against the porch railing. “I’ll just stand here and keep my mouth shut as you drop that door on yourselves.”
Ephraim lifted a blond brow. “Really?”
Jerry laughed. “Let me help you. I’ve replaced a few doors in my day.”
Wayne turned to Ephraim. “Let him help. We’ll laugh when he drops it on himself.”
“That’s a gut idea.” Ephraim made a sweeping gesture toward the door they planned to replace. “Go right ahead.”
Jerry stepped over and picked up a screwdriver. Soon he was taking the door off its hinges.
“So other than being a plumber for most of the last five years, what have you been doing?” Wayne stood close by, looking ready to help.
“Not much. Just working.” Jerry nodded toward the door. “Help me lift it.” He and Wayne removed the door and leaned it against the railing.
“We’ve all been working,” Wayne said. “But you came to youth group one day and disappeared the next. You haven’t even come to church.”
“Have you joined a different church?” Ephraim pulled out a pocketknife and began to remove the packaging from the new door.
“No.” Jerry looked out toward the garden, where Clara and his sister now worked side by side.
“Then what kept you away?” Wayne asked. “You never gave us any indication you’d be leaving, let alone not coming back.”
For a moment Jerry regretted allowing his younger sister to guilt him into staying today. But his friends had a right to know more about him. After all, he’d abandoned them.
“I don’t think he wants to discuss it.” Chris opened the packaging, revealing a storm door that included a full-view glass front.
“Why did Emma choose a door with a full glass front?” Jerry asked.
“You really have to ask?” Wayne deadpanned. “So Hank can look outside.”
“I should have known.” Jerry grinned as he shook his head. He looked toward the garden again and spotted Hank giving himself a bath in the sun. “That cat has a gut life here, huh?”
“Ya, he sure does,” Chris said.
“So why have you stayed away from us for five years, Jerry?” Wayne asked again. “You could have at least come around once in a while.”
Because I didn’t want any lectures? Because I wouldn’t have known what to say?
“I really don’t know.” Jerry grabbed one side of the door. “Ready to lift?”
“That’s not a gut answer.”
“No, it’s not, but it’s the truth.” Jerry helped Ephraim lift the door and carry it to the frame.
“Well, whatever your mysterious reason is, we’re glad you’re back.” Ephraim swiped his hand over his sweaty forehead.
“I am too,” Jerry said. And he was.
“How did you convince your bruder to help today?” Clara stopped weeding the cucumber bed and looked toward the porch, where Jerry helped Ephraim and Wayne adjust the newly installed door for Emma while Chris handed them tools.
Biena pulled another weed and dropped it into the bucket beside her. “I pointed out that you were here.”
Clara felt as though her heart had tripped over itself as she looked at her friend.
“Don’t look so surprised,” Biena said. “It’s obvious you two like each other.”
Clara gasped as she leaned close to Biena. “Please don’t say that out loud.”
“Why?” Biena’s eyes widened. “Do you have a boyfriend?”
“No, I don’t, but your bruder isn’t baptized. I don’t want to get in trouble with the bishop.” Clara paused. “I do like your bruder, but we can’t be anything other than freinden unless he comes back to the church, okay? Please don’t tell anyone I care about him.”
“Okay.” Biena lowered her voice. “Maybe you can help him decide to come back to the church.”
“I hope so.” Clara looked back toward the house as a yellow taxi pulled into the driveway and stopped next to Jerry’s truck. A young woman stepped out. “Who could that be?”
“Oh, it must be Tena.” Biena stood and wiped the worst of the dirt off her hands with a rag from the pocket of her apron. “Emma said her great-niece was coming to visit from Indiana.”
“Her great-niece?”
“Ya. Emma said Tena’s fiancé broke up with her, and she’s heartbroken. Emma invited her to visit for the summer, to help get her mind off what happened.”
Clara clicked her tongue. “That’s so bedauerlich.”
Emma appeared on the back porch, and then she rushed down the steps and to the taxi. She hugged the girl and then paid the driver.
“Let’s go meet her,” Biena said.
Clara wiped a few more cucumber beetles off the crops and then stood, trying to get the dirt off her hands too. She fell into step with Biena, and they made their way past the rows of fruits and vegetables toward the driveway.
Emma saw them coming. “Clara. Biena.” She gestured for them to join her. “Come and meet my great-niece.”
Clara and Biena quickened their steps.
“Tena, this is Clara Hertzler and Biena Petersheim. And this is my great-niece, Tena Speicher.”
“It’s nice to meet you.” Tena smiled, and her pretty face lit up.
“Hi. Welcome. We’d shake your hand, but ours are still too dirty from working in the garden.” Clara wondered why Tena’s fiancé would break up with her. She looked to be in her early to midtwenties, and she had beautiful fiery-red hair under her prayer covering and gorgeous chestnut eyes.
“It’s nice to meet you,” Biena said. “Emma speaks highly of you.”
“Danki.” Tena blushed. Besides being attractive, she seemed sweet and kind.
“Is your luggage in the trunk?” Emma asked, and Tena nodded. Emma turned to the porch, where the men were now picking up tools. “Buwe! Would a couple of you please help Tena with her luggage?”
All four men dropped what they were doing and came down, and Emma made introductions. Clara felt a twinge of jealousy when Jerry shook Tena’s hand.
The driver had popped open the taxi’s trunk, and Ephraim and Wayne retrieved Tena’s suitcase and zippered tote bag. Emma, Tena, and Biena headed into the house. Chris, Ephraim, and Wayne went back to collect the tools and old door, but Jerry stayed behind.
Clara looked up at him. “You decided to help again today, huh?”
“Yeah, well, it’s a gut cause.” He shrugged. “And I didn’t have anything else to do.”
“You were bored, then.” Clara grinned, and he did too. “It looks like you four did a gut job installing the new door.”
“It was easy, really. I did it myself.” He threaded his fingers together and then cracked his knuckles as if to prove his strength. “I’m kidding. It went quickly with four of us working together.”
“I saw.” She crossed her arms over her chest. “Are you coming back next Saturday?”
“Do you want me to?” He raised his eyebrows, and she hesitated. “I’ll take that as a yes.”
“Will I see you in church tomorrow?” she asked, and it was his turn to hesitate. “I hope I do,” she added.
His bright eyes locked on hers. She shivered, despite the hot June sun.
“I should get back to work,” she said. “The cucumber bed is full of crabgrass and cucumber beetles.”
“I need to help clean up the mess over there.” He jammed his thumb toward the porch.
“Don’t leave without saying good-bye to me,” she told him. Then she turned and strolled back to the cucumbers.
Clara tried in vain to suppress a frown as she dropped into the chair beside Katie Ann at Emma’s house Sunday afternoon. She glanced around the kitchen table at the familiar faces of her friends, but her heart sank when she didn’t find Jerry sitting beside his sister. Biena had wanted to join their weekly garden committee meeting this afternoon, and Clara had hoped Jerry would bring her and decide to stay too. He hadn’t.
Worse, he hadn’t come to church that morning.
Disappointed, she looked down at the tabletop as Mandy reported the success of the past week’s sales.
He never promised you he would come to church!
She ignored the voice in her head. She’d prayed her words of encouragement would inspire Jerry to be there. But they hadn’t. Her mother’s warning about pushing him away echoed in her mind, but after Biena telling her Jerry liked her too, she was determined to convince him to join the church. How could she let today hold her back from the dream of welcoming him home? From the dream of being more than his friend?
When she heard a meow, she looked down at the floor. Hank sat staring up at her, blinking.
“Hi, Hank,” she whispered as she stroked his head. “How are you today?”
“I think that covers everything on our agenda,” Mandy said. “We’d like to welcome Tena to our group. Tena is Emma’s great-niece, and she’s visiting from Indiana for the summer.”
“Hi, everyone.” Tena smiled. “I’m excited to be here.”
“We’ll serve the meal now,” Mandy said after everyone had greeted Tena. “Let’s eat.”
Clara followed the rest of the young women to the kitchen counter, and when she opened a drawer to grab a stack of utensils, she felt a hand on her arm.
“Are you okay?” Mandy whispered in her ear.
“Ya.” Clara shrugged. “Why?”
“You seem upset.” Mandy’s blue eyes studied her. “Tell me what’s bothering you.”
Clara glanced over her shoulder to where Biena spoke to Emma and Tena. She leaned closer to Mandy and lowered her voice. “I was hoping Jerry would come to church today, and even here. I’m just disappointed.”
Mandy was silent for a moment, and Clara bit her lip, awaiting her friend’s assessment of her confession.
“So you do still have feelings for Jerry. I was afraid of that.”
Clara stilled. If she admitted she did—had everyone in their youth group seen through her?—would it get back to the bishop?
“Was iss letz?” Katie Ann sidled up to Mandy with wide eyes.
Clara bit back a groan. How could she admit to her two best friends that she had feelings for an Englisher? It was bad enough that she’d admitted it to Biena. But this wasn’t just any Englisher—he was Jerry Petersheim, her lifelong friend!
Mandy spun toward Biena and Tena. “Biena, would you please finish setting the table? I need to talk to Katie Ann and Clara for a minute.”
“Ya, of course.” Biena walked over and took the utensils from Clara.
“Danki,” Clara said.
“We’ll be right back,” Mandy told Emma as she took Clara’s arm and steered her out to the porch with Katie Ann in tow. Then she led Clara down the steps and out to the garden. She stopped at the end of one row and looked up at Clara. “You still have feelings for him.”
“Feelings for whom?” Katie Ann looked at Clara’s face. “Oh. Jerry.”
Clara groaned and placed both palms on her cheeks. “Is it that obvious?”
“Most everyone thought you liked each other as more than freinden before he left the church, but you know it would be wrong to date him now,” Mandy said with a warning tone.
“You’d be shunned,” Katie Ann added.
“I know, I know!” Clara threw up her hands. “That’s why I told him I hoped to see him at church today, and I prayed he would be there. I thought if I encouraged him to come back to the church, he might join, and then we could date. That is, if he wanted to.”
Katie Ann gave her a sad smile. “That’s really sweet, but it has to be his choice to come back to the church.”
“I know that too.” Clara kicked a stone with the toe of her black shoe. “Mei onkel Norman left the church before I was born. Mei mamm still misses him. I was hoping to get Jerry to come back, not just for me, but for his family too. And I can’t believe he really wants to live as an Englisher.”
“Just keep encouraging him.” Katie Ann patted her arm. “But also keep your distance. You can’t risk being shunned.”
“Katie Ann is right,” Mandy said. “You can be his freind, but don’t let your heart get too involved. If he doesn’t join the church, you’ll get hurt.”
Clara nodded as tiny knots of worry invaded her stomach. “Danki.”
“Hey,” Ephraim called from the porch. “Are you maed coming in to eat? If not, I’ll eat your egg salad for you.”
Mandy laughed. “We’ll be right there.”
Ephraim disappeared into the house, the new storm door clicking shut behind him.
Mandy gestured inside. “Let’s go.”
“We missed you at church today,” Clara told Jerry as she rode beside Biena in his truck later that evening.
“You missed me, huh?” He grinned at her as he steered the truck through an intersection.
“Ya, I did.” Frustration nipped at her as she studied his coy grin. “I thought you might actually show up.”
“I think he slept in today,” Biena said.
“It would have been nice to see you at your home church,” Clara said. “Your church family misses you.”
His smile flattened, and he stared straight ahead. A dense silence filled the truck’s cab, and it stayed.
Clara ran her finger over the top of the metal window frame as she watched the farmhouses seem to zoom by. A summer breeze came through the window, and the ribbons on her prayer covering fluttered around her face.
“Tena is nice,” Biena said, her voice finally shooing the silence away. “She said she’s going to be here through the fall now.”
“That’s gut.” Clara kept her gaze focused on the scenery. “I’m sure Emma enjoys the company.”
“Ya, they seem close. I’m glad Emma will have someone there to help around the haus,” Biena continued. “Tena can help her cook and do laundry. Maybe help with her flower garden.”
Biena started talking about her favorite flowers, but Clara lost herself in disappointment. She stole a glance at Jerry, leaning forward slightly so she could see him around Biena. With a muscle flexing in his tense jaw, he sat ramrod straight, and his focus ahead never changed. She was sure she felt intensity radiating off him.
Had she pushed him too hard?
Worry replaced her disappointment. Mamm, and Katie Ann, and Mandy had all warned her not to pressure him, but she’d done just that. The notion of losing him forever stole the air in her lungs. He was her friend, her very good friend. She couldn’t lose him after just reconnecting with him! Guilt, hot and searing, sliced through her chest.
Folding her arms over her middle, she settled back in the seat and tried to ignore the tears that threatened her eyes.
When her farm came into view, she sat up straight and searched her mind for something to say that would encourage him to come back to Emma’s again. She couldn’t give up on him just yet.
“Here we are.” Jerry stopped the truck by the porch, keeping it in gear.
“Danki for the ride.” Clara pushed open the door and then turned to him. His expression had relaxed slightly, but she still saw intensity in his jaw. “Are you planning to come to Emma’s again?” She froze in place, awaiting his rejection.
“Ya.” He leaned on the steering wheel. “The guys asked me to help paint her front door and trim.”
“Oh. She’ll appreciate that.” Clara felt her body relax. “I guess I’ll see you both soon, then.”
“You will.” Biena smiled. “Tell your parents hello for us.”
“I will.” Clara looked back at Jerry and saw something new flash over his face. Was it regret? Did he wish he hadn’t promised the other men he’d help? “Gut nacht.”
“Take care,” he said, but his tone was anything but encouraging.
She climbed out of the truck, walked to the back porch, and then waved as the truck backed out of the driveway. She stood rooted to the ground.
Would she and Jerry have dated years ago if he’d joined the church then? The thought of what might have been haunted her. Or was she kidding herself, imagining they would ever have been more than friends?
Jerry lifted his hand and waved at Clara before taking the truck back to the road. He gripped the steering wheel with such a force he feared it might snap. All his confusion and frustration swirled in his gut as he recalled her words.
It would have been nice to see you at your home church. Your church family misses you.
She made it sound as if every Amish person had the same relationship with God, leading to the same commitment to the church. But he’d always struggled to feel connected to God. That was why he hadn’t joined the church with his friends.
“Clara asked me where you were today. She really missed you.” Biena’s words broke through his thoughts. “It’s obvious she cares about you.”
Jerry sat up straighter, and his heart warmed at the notion of someone as special as Clara caring about him. Could it be true?
“You care about her, too, don’t you? You always have.”
He didn’t look at her, even as he slowed to a stop at a red light. “What would it matter if I did? I’m not Amish.”
“Oh, please. You can’t deny you care about her. It’s written all over your face when you two are together. It is a shame you can’t be together, though. You’d have to join the church.”
He frowned as he looked at her. “Now you sound like Mamm.”
“Well, it’s the truth.” She shrugged as if deciding to join the church was the easiest decision in the world. “I think you and Clara would make a great couple. I never understood why you didn’t join the church and then date her when you were in youth group.”
“Really?”
She snorted. “Please. Everyone talked about how you two liked each other, and some of us thought you were meant to be together. Don’t act like you didn’t know that.”
He ignored her assumption as he turned onto their street. He hadn’t known.
“I just adore Clara. She’s so sweet and funny. And I’m sure you’ve noticed she’s schee,” Biena continued.
Jerry had noticed how pretty Clara was, years ago, but that still wasn’t a reason for him to join the church. He turned the truck into their driveway and parked in his usual spot behind the barn. When he bought the truck, Dat had insisted he park back there so their Amish neighbors couldn’t see it from the road—as if the neighbors weren’t already aware of Dat’s non-Amish son. Only when he had to load or unload supplies for his mother did he park near the house.
Jerry climbed out and met Biena at the back bumper.
“You should seriously think about it.” Biena wagged a finger at him. “If you joined the church, you’d not only make Mamm and Dat froh, but you could date the maedel you’ve cared about since you were a bu.”
“I appreciate your input, Beanie, but that’s enough lecturing for one day, okay?”
She opened her mouth as if to protest his use of her despised nickname, but then she closed it.
“Okay,” she said before moving toward the house.
Later that evening, Jerry walked upstairs to the bedroom he rented in his uncle’s home, his mind still spinning with Biena’s words about how easy it would be to join the church and make everyone happy. He crossed the room to his closet and opened the door.
As he ran his fingers over his old Amish trousers and shirts, memories assaulted his mind—sitting in church between Ephraim and Wayne and talking to his friends at youth gatherings, yes, but then laughing with Clara while playing volleyball, sitting on the grass and talking to Clara, and watching Clara mingle with her friends.
All his memories of being Amish featured Clara’s beautiful smile, her adorable laugh, and her bottomless, coffee-colored eyes. But caring about an amazing woman wasn’t a reason to join the church. Didn’t he need to feel the call from God to justify asking the bishop’s permission to become a member? Wouldn’t he wind up resenting the church if he joined only to date Clara? The problem was he didn’t feel a call to any church—Amish or otherwise. He didn’t feel a call from God.
Renewed confusion and frustration dug their claws into his shoulders as he slammed his closet door shut. If he hadn’t driven Biena to Emma’s house that day, he never would have found himself stuck in the middle of this quandary.
He lowered himself onto the corner of his bed, and it creaked in protest of his weight. He had to stop torturing himself. He had a good life and a job he enjoyed. Soon he’d have enough money to buy a house of his own and move away from his Amish roots.
But if he was so determined to shed his Amish roots, why did he feel a tiny thread of longing beckoning him back to the church?