part0285

I keep saying it over and over again because it doesn’t seem possible. Every time I think I’ve figured him out, he does something else to throw me off. I battle with what exactly I’m going to say when I do get to his house. There are a lot of things I’m dealing with, and it needs to be him who leads this relationship now. He’s what I want, but I need Liam to take the reins. My heart is mangled and it’s going to be his decision whether he wants to be the one to mend it.

His apartment is only a few miles away from mine and I wish it was further. I have no idea what to say. The words float through my mind: sorry, I wish it was different, I want you, I’m a mess . I don’t know which is true, or maybe all of them are. I am a mess. I do want him—so much. I wish that this entire situation wasn’t happening and I’m sorry this is where we are.

I park in the drive and try to collect myself. I know two things. One, I care about Liam deeply. Two, I’m going to have to process everything.

The walk to his apartment seems to take forever. It could be that I’m walking at a snail’s pace. I go to knock and he opens the door.

Liam stands there in his tight, navy blue t-shirt and dark blue jeans. His light brown beanie is on his head and he leans against the door. “Hi,” he says and looks past me.

“Hi, can I come in?” I ask hesitantly.

He opens the door and turns so I can pass him. Well, shit…now I have to talk.

Liam follows behind me and I look around. His apartment is modern and practically empty. The typical bachelor pad, complete with the biggest television I’ve ever seen. I stand in the middle of the room and he waves toward the couch.

“I’m surprised you’re here,” Liam says as he sits in the seat next to me.

“If I’m keeping you from something…”

“It’s not important.”

I tuck my hair behind my ear and try to decide where to start. “I’m going to talk and I’ll probably ramble, but I need to say it.” I look up and he nods. “I’m sorry about throwing myself at you like that. It wasn’t fair to you or to whatever we’ve been doing. I care too much about you to do that…but I knew you could make it go away. It makes me selfish, and I’m so embarrassed that I did that. When you left, I drank so much and all I could do was replay how you looked at me when I begged you. I understand if you don’t want to be with me or don’t want m—”

“Don’t even say it. Don’t say I don’t want you. That’s not the case. I want you. Every day I want you,” Liam cuts me off with his voice razor sharp.

My cheeks flush and my heart begins to race. “Okay, I just meant that I shouldn’t have tried to get you to sleep with me last night.”

“Look, if all that shit hadn’t gone down and you wanted to take that step, I would’ve been all for it. Trust me, I want nothing more than to touch you, but not because you want to fuck Aaron out of your mind. I want it to be because you can’t stand the idea of me not touching you.”

He’s right but so wrong. “I want to be with you. There’s something between us that is beautiful and I don’t want to lose that. Even if you had said yes last night—it wouldn’t have been that.”

“That’s exactly what it would’ve been. Let’s be honest, because if we start with lies, this will fail before it even has a chance.”

Fear of losing him begins to bubble up. “I don’t know how to go from here because I feel like I’ve taken two steps back. I want to trust you, and I do, but I feel like this affair just destroyed whatever we were building. How could you want me knowing this?”

“Natalie,” Liam says and his hand gently cups my face. He pushes me to look at him and I get lost in his eyes. “I’ve fallen for you and for Aarabelle. I’m not going anywhere until you tell me you’re done. I’m done fighting with myself over having any kind of feelings for you. I want you, Lee. And his fuck ups have nothing to do with us.”

“But they affect us.”

“Only if you want them to. Look, every part of me battles with touching you. It’s like I’m the fucking dirtbag here. You were his fucking wife.” His hand drops.

“He obviously didn’t hold that title very high,” I say and grab his hand wrapping my fingers around his. “I’m angry, though, and hurt. He and I weren’t perfect, but I didn’t think he was capable of infidelity.”

“Did you have any idea?”

“No, I mean, we were fighting, but I was pregnant. We had been trying for almost a year to get pregnant with Aarabelle. I could only sleep with him during certain times, and sex was tedious, but I thought we were making the best of it.”

Infertility was a huge burden between us. Aaron felt his manhood was being challenged and I thought I was maybe not meant to be a mother. Even through it all, Aaron and I tried to stay close. He wasn’t any more distant than normal, and I definitely didn’t suspect anything.

“I wish I could take this away from you. I can’t though. He was your husband.”

I nod in understanding. Liam only knew the side of our marriage everyone saw. The happy, smiling couple that loved each other since they were sixteen. In many ways, it wasn’t an act. I did love him, and if he were alive, we’d be together, or at least figuring out where to go from here. But he’s gone, and I have Liam.

“In a way, it’s also opened my eyes to how my life wasn’t exactly what I thought.”

“Do we seriously talk about this? Do I really tell you about good and bad in my marriage to your best friend?” I question because it feels almost unnatural. This is the guy who I’m sure listened to Aaron talk about me and now I’m sitting here about to make him listen to me.

“I can’t say I’m going to enjoy it, but if we keep avoiding this shit, we’re never going to get past it. Look, this is hard as hell for me. Aaron was my best friend. I would’ve taken a bullet for him, no questions asked. When things started happening with you and I, I felt like a dick.” Liam plays with my fingers as we sit and talk. “You’re off limits. No one fucks another team guy’s wife. It’s code. But he’s gone and I don’t know how we found our way here.”

“I battle with the same thing. You were…well…you . I saw you as a friend. As Aaron’s friend. I can remember sewing your patches on and painting your helmet when you were in BUDs. When my feelings started to shift, I tried to stop it.” I twist my fingers in his as we both open ourselves up. “Do you know what I’m most upset about?” I muse out loud, but I need to say it.

“This whole time…” I look away, but Liam’s hand pulls my chin toward him.

Liam’s eyes are tender but his jaw is tight. “Don’t hide from me. Let me in.”

My eyes blur with unshed tears as the words begin to form like acid on my tongue. “I’ve been so blind. In my mind, I blocked out everything bad and I’ve put him on this pedestal. When I told him I was pregnant, he shrugged and walked away. I forgot about that until last night. I wanted him to be so perfect. I didn’t want to remember how we weren’t always happy, but we were comfortable. I’m such an idiot.”

He’s rubs his thumb gently against my skin. I close my eyes to his touch and my hand touches his chest. I lean into his body and he holds me close. “You’re not an idiot.”

I let out a short, sarcastic laugh. “The hell I’m not. My husband was cheating on me when I was pregnant. I laid in bed crying for days over someone who could’ve been planning to leave me. My entire life was a lie.”

“I don’t know what to say. A part of me—the selfish part—wants to tell you he was a fucking moron and you’re better off with me. I wouldn’t cheat and would tell you how you shouldn’t spend another minute thinking of him.” I lean up and Liam lets out a deep breath. “The other part of me is fighting against defending the motherfucker. But I won’t defend what he did…it’s so fucked up.”

This is what I worry about with us. “Will Aaron always be between us?” I ask and hold my breath.

“I don’t know. Tell me…” Liam pauses and bends forward. His lips touch mine and he kisses me. His tongue glides across my lips and he pulls back. He waits for me to open my eyes, and the fierceness stops my breath. The tension in his muscles is clear as he gives me what I need. “Do you wish he was here instead of me? Right now, do you wish it were his arms around you? His mouth on yours?”

I hear him speaking, but I can’t focus. When his lips touch mine, all that exists is Liam and me. He stops and waits…I bring myself back to his question and shake my head no.

“That’s not good enough,” his low gruff voice is demanding.

“Right now, I’m not thinking of anyone else.” My lips ghost against his.

He just barely touches his lips to mine. Liam’s head moves side to side as he brushes against my mouth. It’s a game of who’s stronger at this point. “I didn’t ask that.”

“I’m not sure how to answer that, Liam. I’m here with you right now. I’m in your arms. I want to be here—with you.”

The air is thick between us and he doesn’t relax. “He doesn’t have to be here. This is you and me.”

“I don’t want to lose you.” The honesty seeps through each syllable. “I’m scared.”

Liam lies back on the couch and pulls me against his chest. I lie in his arms pressed against him with our fingers intertwined. “I’m falling in love with you, Natalie.” His chest rumbles and I look up. “If I’m not already there. You’re not the only one who’s got something to lose. I don’t want you to say anything back to me. I just want you to know.” Liam’s fingers roll mine as he waits for me to react.

As afraid as I am about being hurt again, I know I’m not alone. “I’m falling for you too. I just don’t know if I can.”

His eyes tell me he understands. He pulls me back down and rubs his hand against my back. There’s a lot the two of us need to overcome. But right here and now, I’m safe. Liam’s strong arms hold me together and I try to think of the last time I felt this way.

Aaron and I were married so young, but we’d had a good marriage. He was gone a lot, and that part sucked, but it made our reunions that much sweeter. Aaron had a temper, but he was never abusive or mean. Hell, half the time I was the one throwing things across the room. He provided for me and I became content. But there were times I could see him distancing himself from me. When he would become belligerent when I would try to talk about what happened overseas. The infertility, PTSD, and his disdain of no longer being a SEAL ate at us. He would spend hours in the garage working on his car and then go to sleep or go out. I put blinders on and thought when I was pregnant with Aarabelle it would fix everything. But the only time Aaron was happy was when other people were around.

Then I wonder about Liam. The fact that I’d be entering a relationship knowing the life I’d live with him and the possible outcome. But I was built for this. I’m a SEAL wife. I know the life, the struggles, and the joys that it can bring. I know I’m able to handle deployments and all that goes with it. I just don’t know if I could withstand losing him. Loving Liam comes with a cost.

“What’s going through your mind? I can feel you tensing up.” Liam breaks the silence.

I lean on my hand that rests upon his chest. His blue eyes sparkle and I give a sad smile. “I’m thinking about all of it. The love, the loss, the affair. I think the fact that I don’t have answers is the hardest part.”

“Do you want to talk to her? Will that help?” Liam’s hand continues to run up and down my back.

“I don’t know. A part of me wants to forget it all and call her a liar. What does it even matter?”

Liam kisses the top of my head and lets out a deep sigh.

“Where do we go from here?” I ask.

Liam’s hands grip my shoulders and he pulls me on top of him. I’m lying on his chest and we’re face to face. “We decide. You decide because I’m here with you, but I need to know you’re not there with him.”

Pushing my hands up his chest, I rest against his shoulders. “I’m with you right now.”

He sits up so quickly I’m not sure how he manages it. He flips me so I’m on my back and he’s on top of me. My body warms from his touch and he glides his calloused fingers down my bare arm. “Liam…” I sigh his name.