part0293

T wo weeks pass and I do my best to put Brittany and her bomb to the back of my mind. Liam has been gone, so it’s given me time to grieve the news in my own way. I’ve come to some kind of peace regarding it, although I don’t know I’ll ever completely be at peace with it. I hate myself for being relieved she lost the baby. It’s not something I’m proud of, but Reanell has been great with helping me understand my feelings.

This last training session was supposed to be three days, but they extended it to seven so they could get some shooting qualifications. I don’t miss this shit.

He came home late last night and had a lot to finish, so we agreed for a late dinner tonight.

“Hey, sweetheart,” Liam says as he comes in the kitchen with a bag of Chinese food. I can smell the yumminess.

“My hero.” I give a dramatic sigh and clutch my chest. “Did you get me an eggroll?”

“Do I get a prize if I did?”

“You get a kiss and maybe I’ll get naked for you.”

“Maybe?” he asks with a raised brow.

“Fine, you’ll get nookie if I get an eggroll,” I acquiesce.

Liam digs through the bag and his face says it all. They forgot the eggroll. Ha! I’m so going to make him pay for this.

“Eggroll, Dreamboat.” I put my hand out waiting. He continues to dig.

“If I don’t get laid because there’s no fucking eggroll, I’m going to kill someone,” he says out loud and I smile.

There’s no eggroll and he’s going to be upset. Oh, how I enjoy late dinners.

“Is that all I am to you?” I quip. “Sex?”

He looks over and grimaces. Looks like someone isn’t happy. “I’m not even going to answer you. I’ll be back,” he says and starts to walk away.

“Oh, stop!” I say laughing. “Don’t be an idiot.”

Liam’s arms cage me in as he leans down. “I’ll make it up to you.” His voice is full of promise.

“I’ll be sure you do.”

“I missed you,” he says as his lips barely touch mine.

“I’d miss me too.”

“And you say I’m arrogant.” He smiles against my mouth.

I smile back and kiss him gently. “I just know how lucky you are.”

He kisses me again and laughs.

We eat our dinner and fill each other in on our time away. I miss hearing the field stories. Things that happened and all the dumb things they do. Liam tells me about Quinn and the pranks he pulled on some new guys who checked in this week. I laugh and tell him about work and then I fill him in on my talk with Brittany.

“She was pregnant?” he asks with his jaw hanging open.

“Apparently. I don’t know what the hell to believe anymore. It’s all ridiculous.”

Liam pulls my chair so I’m sitting with my legs between his. “Are you okay?”

I know it’s not easy for him to shift into this conversation. I mean, here we are again, talking about Aaron in some way. Even I grow annoyed with it. The flip side is that Aaron wasn’t just some ex for me and he wasn’t some guy to him. There’s a lot of history for both of us.

“It was a shock. It was a big shock,” I say in a hushed tone.

“I’m sure, but that doesn’t answer my question.”

“Oh, good. You’re fine again.” Liam throws his hands up and they come down with a slap.

I look up as I hear the chair grate against the floor. He moves away from me and starts to eat again. I sit here stunned.

“Why are you pissed?” I ask, a little pissed myself.

He drops the fork and looks over and huffs. “You’re fine? We’re going back to that? You find out your husband was having a baby with the woman he was fucking behind your back—and you’re fine?”

Fuck him. I can be fine or whatever else I want to be.

“I’ve had a few days to process it all, Liam. I’m sorry I don’t want to tell you all the shit that went through my mind. I’m fine with it now—is that better?” I sneer the words and shake my head.

“I have a lot on my mind.”

“That’s no excuse to be an ass to me. I didn’t have to tell you about Brittany and their love child. But I’m trying to be honest with you. You said we should talk about this crap.”

“That’s your cue to say ‘I’m sorry,’” I instruct him.

He looks over and pulls my chair back. His eyes sparkle in the light and he gives a dramatic sigh. “My darling, Natalie,” Liam pauses and then lifts my hands between us, “I’m forever sorry for being an ass. I promise to only fight with you when it’s acceptable and you grant me permission. Will you forgive me?”

“No, you don’t.”

“I’m pretty sure I do.”

“You’ll live.”

“You might not,” I threaten.

Liam’s lips rise as he fights his smile. “I’ll take my chances.”

He could probably kill me in half a second, but he’d have to catch me first. We both sit in silence and I allow myself a few moments to gather myself after our argument. I wonder how long we can seriously go like this.

Liam starts to shift a little and I notice he seems to be somewhere else. Normally I would push him, but it’s unlike him to be uncomfortable. Liam exudes confidence. He knows how to handle most situations before they even happen. Maybe I really upset him with our disagreement.

“Are you okay?” I finally ask after a long bout of silence.

“Yeah, I told you I have a lot on my mind,” he explains. I sit and wait for him to expand on that. He lifts his head to the sky and lets out a deep breath. “We got our deployment orders today.” He looks over at me and waits.

I know what this means and the fact that he’s this unhappy tells me all I need to know. It’s soon and I’m going to need to start preparing for it. I try to dig deep into my old ways. Think later—smile now. I need to lock down my own concerns and be his support. He can’t see my fear, he can’t see my sadness. He has to hear the words that will keep him safe. Time to rely on my own training of being the one who gets left behind.

“When do you leave?”

Liam grabs my hand. “Right after Aarabelle’s birthday.”

“Oh, really soon,” I say and try to fortify myself behind the wall of indifference. It’s been a long time since I’ve had to deal with deployments.

“For what?” I ask surprised. He didn’t do anything wrong. This is the life. It’s time I get used to it again because Liam is in for a long time.

He stands and begins to pace. “I know you’re not okay about this. Fuck. I’m not happy either.”

“Am I happy? No. But it’s your life. I understand.”

“I think we should go away for a week before I leave. I have stand-down leave before. We can go back to Corolla and just be us.”

The picture he paints is something I can’t refuse, but I took off work not too long ago. “I don’t know. I mean, I have a lot going on.” I chew on my nail and battle my own wants. Another trip would be great to be able to just be us again. But I’m trying to move forward in all parts of my life, including working.

“Lee, I think it’s important for us to do this before I go.”

“We just got back though.”

“I know, but I want to spend a week together. Just the three of us. I want to soak up as much time as I can with you and Aarabelle.”

The pleading in his eyes makes it almost impossible to resist him.

I stand and put my arms around his waist. “Liam, I’m not going anywhere. I don’t need some trip to reaffirm how much I love you.” I wait for him to look at me. “I don’t know that I can get away again.”

Liam’s hands glide down and he grips my thighs, lifting me. I hang on to him as my legs wrap around him. “I’ll just steal you.”

“I’m not stealable,” I joke and make up the word.

“I’ve already stolen you.” He kisses the tip of my nose.

And he has. He knows it too. I don’t want to fight tonight, and I think I can talk him out of the trip later on…but tonight, I want to be with only him. I don’t want to think about babies or deployments. I want to just be us.

“Where’s my eggroll?” I ask and he smirks.

My eyes widen as I try to keep from laughing. “Is it a big one?”

“I’d say so,” he retorts with a smile.

“I may have to see for myself.”

“I can arrange that.”

I press my lips on his and he carries me out of the kitchen. I keep kissing him as he moves with me in his arms. A tiny pang of stage fright hits me again as I realize this will be the first time Liam has ever been in my bed. The bed I shared with my husband.

He slowly lowers me as we get to my door. “I don’t have to stay,” he somehow reads my mind.

“Don’t be stupid. I want you here.” I take his hand and open the door. He holds my hand as we enter my bedroom.

There are a lot of memories in this room, but I want to make new ones. I deserve new ones. Corolla was beautiful, but this is where our life is. We need to be a couple in our real life.

Liam holds my hand as I pull him to the bed. I look around at the room and am grateful for my tirade. It allowed it so there aren’t any pictures other than of Aarabelle. I didn’t want to look at him after I found out about Brittany. I sure as hell don’t want to feel like he’s looking at me now.

His hand holds my face as he slowly inches close before he kisses me. I lie back on the bed and pull him on top of me. Pushing the beanie off his head, my fingers slide through his hair. The scruff I love so much is back and it scratches my neck as he begins to move his mouth there. I could fall apart so easily in his arms. He gives me such comfort and security.

“I hate the idea of leaving you,” he says against my skin.

I hate it too, but I focus on the words floating around before speaking them. I have to tread carefully before I say things. I’m in the tiptoe stage where I have to guard his heart and my own.

“It’ll be okay.”

Of course I don’t know that. Our lives are constantly hanging on a precipice, ready to tip over the edge and shatter. He could die at any point. I could decide it’s too much stress. But if we can love each other enough, we have a chance.

Liam pulls my shirt over my head and holds me close. It’s like he’s holding on to more than just this moment. Unease begins to build and I start to question what we’re doing. If he’s dreading it already, do we even have a chance?

His lips trail down my collarbone and I try to alleviate my worries. I want to stay in the moment with him. Give myself over and let him take me from my own mind.

“Stay with me,” he orders in his deep, husky voice.

I close my eyes as his mouth wraps around my nipple. He sucks and nips at it as I writhe beneath him. His hand travels down my body beneath my shorts. He moves slowly, and I catalog each movement he makes. The way his finger brushes against my hip. Each swipe across my clit as he toys with me.

Liam strips me of my defenses so I’m open and exposed to him. He can see through my layers of bullshit and straight to my heart. “Liam, kiss me.” I want to hide back behind my walls.

“Let me love you. Let me in.” His voice leaves no room for question. He knows I’m scared. He knows me. I close my eyes and he pushes his finger inside me. “I’ve got you. I won’t let you fall.”

“Feels so good,” I moan as he uses his thumb against my clit.

Suddenly his hand retreats and I’m left feeling empty. My eyes fly open and I whimper. He gazes at me as he removes his clothes.

I sit up and push his hands away, “Let me.”

My fingers gently pull at his shirt. I go slow, savoring him and knowing what lies beneath his clothing. A man too beautiful for words. I trail down his now bare chest and use my nails to scrape at his skin. He hisses as I run my finger across his stomach.

“No other man has my heart,” I murmur. “No other man has my body.” My eyes lock on his as I remove his pants. They slide down and he moves me back beneath him.

“And no other man will ever have them again.”

His lips crash against mine and his tongue presses into my mouth. I kiss him with everything I am. He commands my body and I allow him. Liam is claiming me and I’m claiming him. We are each other’s and no matter what happens, I can’t go back.

I don’t want to go back.

He pulls my pants off completely and hovers above me.

“I love you.” My voice is strong and I need him to know. “I’m yours.”

He enters me in one push and I nearly cry out from the feeling. His eyes stay trained on mine and he rears back and slowly pushes forward.

“Liam!” I cry out as emotions and physical sensations become too much.

“No other man will be inside of you,” he says aloud but I can’t tell if he’s trying to convince himself or me.

“No one…only you,” I say.

“No other woman will have my heart,” Liam assures me. “No one else ever had my heart. Only you, Natalie.” His eyes close as he slides back and forth.

From the words and the feelings, it’s too much. Liam has stolen every resolve I had to keep something for myself. He knows what I need and he gives it to me. With his body and with his words.

I soar high as he flips me onto my stomach. His hand wraps around and he applies pressure on the bundle of nerves. He pounds me from behind as I push back against him. I need him to lose it. I want to drive him so hard that he can’t think of anything but how good this feels.

“Fuck me,” I cry out as I push myself back to meet his thrusts.

He nearly loses it as he grips the back of my neck and the sound of skin slapping overtakes the room. Heavy breathing, moaning, and our love making echoes. I close my eyes as he grips me tight and fucks me relentlessly. It’s heaven and hell. I fight my orgasm off, as I want to go over the edge together.

“Let go, goddamnit,” he says angrily. “Let me feel you lose it.”

He swirls his hips and circles my clit and I’m gone.

I moan and let myself go. Liam kisses my back and follows me over the edge a minute later. I fall flat on the bed, sated and exhausted.

“You’re incredible,” Liam says as he rubs my back.

I roll over and smile lazily. “You’re pretty incredible yourself. I’ll be right back.”

I sit up and head into the bathroom. I wrap my robe around me and look at the left side of the sink. Aaron’s old razor and toothbrush. They’ve been a part of the house and I forgot to get rid of them. I pick them up and hold them in my hand. I don’t feel anything though. No sadness, no anger just resignation.

Liam opens the door and sees me. He looks at my hand and then closes the door.

“Liam!” I call out and rush toward him.

“I’m going to go.”

“No! Please, it’s not like that,” I try to explain. I wasn’t mourning or anything, I saw it and picked it up. “Please, stop. Let me explain.”

He’s throwing his clothes on and tears start to form in my eyes. “I’m sorry. I need to go.”

“Stop!” I cry out and he turns. “I wasn’t upset. I wasn’t crying over his razor. I just saw it and I don’t know…I picked it up. It wasn’t like that.”

“What was it like?” He looks away, but I see the hurt in his eyes.

“I don’t know. I can’t explain it.”

Liam grabs my hand and I look up. “Try.”

“I saw it there, but I didn’t feel anything. I won’t feel bad though. You can’t expect me to be so unfeeling. You’re the first man to be in my bed other than him. You have to have some sympathy for that.” I wait for him to fully register what I’ve said.

“You think I don’t have sympathy for what you feel? You’re fucking kidding me. I’ve never said a word, but I’m fighting a damn ghost.” Liam’s words are sharp and he’s clearly upset.

“You’re fighting something on your own. I’ve never made you feel that way.”

His eyes meet mine before he turns away again. “Maybe not, but seeing you with that razor. Clutching it to your chest wasn’t my imagination.”

“You have two choices,” I say determined to end this, because he’s making it something it’s not. “You can either trust me when I say you have nothing to worry about or you can leave.”

“So easy for you?”

“Don’t.” I say with no room for an argument. “Don’t you dare make this my fault. This is all you.”

Liam steps toward the door and my heart sinks. His hand rests on the doorknob and he turns to me. “I just need a minute. I’ll be right back.”

I nod, understanding. “I can handle a minute.”

He steps toward me, and in an instant, I’m in his arms. He holds me close and breathes me in. “It’ll never be more than that,” he vows and then releases me.