Chapter Twenty-Three

Jake

It’s been two days since I’ve been alone with Haley. We have to sneak away, usually after volunteering or under the cover of a meeting or something for Homecoming. I’ve got more school spirit than ever before. When we’re alone, nothing happens, but it’s everything. We sit, we talk, we listen to music. Sometimes she draws while I do homework. She debates the art program, and I listen. Sometimes we make out, and when we do it’s more than I’ve ever had with someone else. I’ve never gone slow with a girl. There’s never been one worth going slow for.

Only two more weeks until Homecoming, and then the big game is over and the stress is over and we can tell Howell about us.

See you after practice, she texts me.

I send her back a unicorn, but I’m more excited than I can pretend. I shove my phone into the locker and head out to practice.

Howell is short on a pass, again. He’s never short, not when he’s throwing to me, and this is the third time in as many plays today. Coach blows the whistle.

“Is there something on your mind, son?” he asks Howell.

“No, sir.”

“Do you need five?”

“No, sir,” he says.

Coach nods. “Then focus or I’m putting in Morgan.”

Morgan is a sophomore piece of shit who thinks he’s the best QB in the state. Howell likes everyone, but even he struggles with Morgan. Howell nods at Coach.

“I’m fine, sir,” he says. But he doesn’t look at me, and that’s weird because he’s been acting off all day.

“You okay?” I ask.

“I’ll get it this time,” he says, and he runs back into place.

Coach calls the play again, and Newman blocks, Howell tosses perfectly to me, and I take it and run. Whatever weird funk he’s in is over just like that.

We run plays for another thirty minutes, and then Coach calls it.

I walk toward the water. Ever since I’ve cut back on drinking, I’m thirsty all the time. It’s been hell, honestly. Headaches, thirst that’s never really gone, trouble sleeping. It’s almost easier to take the drink, sometimes. This has been the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I don’t even know how I got here, looking back on it. One drink then another and then waking up in places and not knowing how I got there. It became the norm. I’m way past time for needing a new normal.

“You headed to Lou’s? I think we’re going to study, too,” Newman asks, walking beside me toward the locker room.

“Can’t. I have plans already, but thanks,” I say. I wait at the door for Howell, like I always do, but he doesn’t come in, so I head inside. Maybe Coach kept him back.

I rip off my sweaty pads and jersey and unlace one shoe when Howell yells my name.

I look toward him. All of a sudden, there’s a pain in my jaw and a tingling all over my face. I stumble backward into the locker. He’s not satisfied. I’m still trying to process it when another punch comes right to my nose, and blood drips down into my palm. It’s that quick. He comes at me again, but this time I’m ready and I don’t let him get a hit in. Jesus. What is happening? The other guys have gathered around, not sure if they should get involved or not. He steps away, shaking his fist.

“What the fuck?” I yell, spitting blood onto the floor.

“That’s for not telling me yourself.”

I already know then, before anything else happens, what he means. Me and Haley.

“It’s not what you think.”

He pulls his phone out of his pocket, and there’s a picture of the two of us together posted on Instagram on the school account. It’s dark outside, the night she came over two weeks ago. Whoever took it did a good job of getting us hugging at the door when she got there.

“You and my sister?” Howell doesn’t get angry, but right now, his face red, hands pumping the air like he wants to hit me again, voice this deep, piercing sound. He’s pissed.

“Look, man, I promise you—”

“How long?” I’m quiet, so he yells it again. “How long, Jake?”

“Since school started. It just happened.”

“I asked you!” He shakes his head. “I asked both of you, and you both lied to me.”

“We were going to tell you after Homecoming.”

Chris shakes his head. “You can’t date my sister.”

“What?”

He steps closer. “You can’t date Haley.” He enunciates every word in my face. If he wasn’t my best friend I’d punch him back.

“That’s not really your say.”

“It is when it comes to you. I know how you are. You know it, everyone in this town knows it. Haley is way better than you are.”

“Don’t you think I know that? Don’t you think I told her that over and over?”

“Then walk away.”

“I can’t.”

“Why not?”

I gulp down my anger and inadequacy. I want to say how I feel about her, but it’s not his to know first. “It’s not what you think, man. Haley is—”

“My twin sister. How messed up are you?”

“She’s your sister, but she’s her own person. You don’t even know that, do you? Because I do.”

“I know her better than anyone.”

“Do you know that she always feels like she’s second to you? Do you know she is trying to figure out who she is and what she wants apart from you? Do you?”

“Yeah, I do. I’ve been helping her, too.”

“Be what you want her to be. Maybe that’s not who she is. It really pisses you off a little that I paid attention.”

“Shut the hell up. You don’t pay attention to anyone but yourself. This thing with her is all about you—not her. Don’t make it sound like it isn’t. I won’t stand by and let you hurt her.”

“You try so hard to protect Haley from everything that you don’t let her live. That’s not your job.”

“It is my job. It’s been my job since before we were born, and you will never understand that.”

“I’m not the bad guy here.”

“Tell that to Abby.”

“What does Abby have to do with anything?”

“I’m not going to let you come into Haley’s life and jerk her around like you did Abby.”

I shake my head because he knows that’s not how it went down with Abby. I’ve never been interested in her, and I’ve told her. “I’m not trying to jerk her around, man. I wouldn’t do that to Haley.”

Howell steps into my face. “It’s what you do with everyone. If I mean anything to you at all, then leave her alone.”

“I can’t do that. I’m sorry.”

“Then we’re done,” Howell says, kicking the bench on his way out. “Done, Jake.” He leaves, but the rest of the team watches me.

Shit.