MUSWELL HILL

by Torben Betts

This play was first performed at the Orange Tree Theatre, Richmond, on 8 February 2012.

TONY has turned up (unexpectedly) to a dinner party held by Mat and Jess at their fashionably decorated home in Muswell Hill. Also present are Karen, who is Jess’s slightly-depressed single friend; Simon, an old university friend of Mat’s, also single; and, Annie, Jess’s younger sister. Annie (23) and TONY (60) are having an affair: in fact, Annie believes they are engaged (although TONY is already married with grown children). He works in a drama school and seduced Annie with the idea that she could become an actress. He tries to explain to Mat in the kitchen whilst drinking a rather large glass of wine.

TONY

…my main problem in this life, twixt thee and me, is that I’m surrounded by all this magnificent totty all day long. All wanting to be famous, all wanting to be somebody. All competing for my attention. And they seem to see me as the man who’s going to help them. Who’s going to open up the world to them. It’s really quite hard to resist. I actually made an effort to stop indulging a while back because, well, it’s never free, is it, and I was starting to find all the aggravation afterwards a bit…well, aggravating. But then you get to know them and then you fall for them a bit and they sort of represent a future you can never have, a life you can never know. Or hold. It’s bloody murder really. But, you see, my wife’s getting to be so… Belinda used to be quite a looker but now all she does is sit about the house, badgering our daughters to start breeding and, for God’s sake, I’m not ready for all of that yet. I want to live. To keep tasting life. But the thing with Annie, what’s happened with Annie and me is just so… Belinda went through my bloody text messages and… That was it. (Upper crust.) ‘Mr Shit, I wonder if I might possibly introduce you to Mr Fan?’ (He laughs.) So…anyway I’m holed up in a hotel room now. (He drinks.) And the thing is: not everyone can be successful. Can they? For every one successful person, you need to have about a thousand failures. But you never hear about all the people who fail. Do you? You only ever hear about the very few who actually make a bloody living at it.