KALASHNIKOV:
IN THE WOODS BY THE LAKE

by Fraser Grace

The first performance of Kalashnikov was at the Burton Taylor Studio, Oxford Playhouse on 6 October 2011.

The retired GENERAL KALASHNIKOV is classified as a Soviet Hero for his invention of the AK-47. However, now he is a frail, old man and lives in a dacha on the wild and frozen outskirts of Izhevsk in the Russian Republic of Udmurtia with his daughter, Makka, and granddaughter, Elena. He receives a visit from a journalist, Volkov, who starts out recording the GENERAL’s personal history but soon confronts him with the brutal atrocities in which his invention has been used. The following monologue is taken from the opening scene of the play, before Volkov arrives, and the GENERAL is proud to present to the audience what he considers to be his greatest achievement.

KALASHNIKOV

I am General Mikhail Timofeyevich Kalashnikov –

Retired. Semi-retired, I live here by the lake.

Across the water,

the other side of that great mirror

within sight, within sound almost,

lies my darling – Izhmash:

the most beautiful Motor Factory in all the Russias.

You smile; good!

It’s good to smile!

That factory, Izhmash – she is the nest,

the womb from which my baby

– my modest achievement in the field of engineering –

took off round the globe,

K for ‘Kalashnikov’

stamped on every little arse.

India, Africa, the Central Asian Republics

places I’d never been,

never dreamed I’d be allowed to travel to.

Coca Cola, Nike, BMW…Kalashnikov;

Everywhere my name goes before me.

Without me, these days.

He lights up.

Motor factory.

Another joke from the Soviet era.

We never built one tractor, one car

in our part of the factory

not even one of your Toyotas!

Guns, since 1809 –

Since 1947, the Kalashnikov assault rifle

Avtomat Kalashnikova

AK-47 – d’you see?

…

Child’s play.

A child can dismantle and reassemble my gun

in under two minutes.

Unless the child’s an idiot.

…

Now, pay attention.

I’m showing you what, if I may say, is the genius of our

design. You see?

Just a handful of parts, but

even when assembled,

everything has its own space –

room is given around the parts,

‘As if each component

was suspended in air’

Dirt has nowhere left to lodge –

dust, ice, not a hope –

‘The gun that keeps on firing’.

Unlike if I may say the gun

designed by my rival and eventual friend

in America, Mr Eugene Stoner:

The United States Army’s M-16.

A fine man, Stoner, a gentleman, and a

good designer, but the M-16 in my opinion…

Well, in our tank unit we had a saying:

If it can rain, it will. So please, for the love of Stalin,

give us a gun that’ll work when it’s pissing down.

Besides

no one’s going to put a weapon as ugly as the M-16 on

a t-shirt

much less a flag.

Eugene Stoner. Gone now,

like all the rest.

They do the AK you know. Put it on flags,

T-shirts too.

Who’d have thought –

Little Misha Kalashnikov – enemy of the people,

doyen of the fashion industry.