CHAPTER Five
As the days went by, Sarah tended to stay at home even to study. She rarely spent hours in the campus library like she used to, except for her job. She seldom stayed at UCLA except for her classes. She would rather be home. It was the same for Letty, although her social life was a bit fuller, with work, her AP activities, and friends, but she managed to spend most of her evenings at home. She and Sarah fell into a steady and comfortable pace, eating together or watching TV. Or at least, Letty would watch TV or listen to music, whereas Sarah would be reading or studying while sitting on the couch beside her, but they rarely stayed locked in their bedrooms while the other was in the apartment. They felt good just being around each other. Letty didn’t try to get more personal with Sarah because their comfortable closeness was already quite disturbing to her, so she didn’t wish for more. She couldn’t have more.
It was Friday. Letty was with her friends at the studio. She was supposed to meet Sarah later for an afternoon of strolling down Santa Monica. Letty hadn’t felt it necessary to tell her friends or even Ricky about that. Not that most of them ever really asked how things were going with Sarah, except of course to ask if Letty had had an invite yet inside her parents’ house in Glendale. Sarah really was just a pawn in the game they had constructed. Even though Letty knew it was for the greater good, it was still becoming harder, and she preferred to keep her thoughts and doubts to herself, especially today as they were going through their plan in a step by step pace. They were gathered around the table looking at blueprints.
Sarah had arrived earlier at Reseda Orange Line Station. She had wandered around the streets near it then realized she had never seen Letty’s rehearsal studio, or even seen Letty play, and she was suddenly very curious about it. She began walking up Reseda Boulevard when she saw Letty’s car parked. She didn’t think she would find the studio without a proper address, but then a building caught her eyes as there were pamphlets for animal protection stuck to it. Sarah smiled. She keenly walked toward it. As she stood behind the door, she heard the faint noise of drums. She knocked but got no answer. She decided to try her luck. She was very eager to see Letty play although, as she entered a corridor, all she could hear was loud, bad drumming. She knocked faintly at the door in the back, where the noise was coming from but still got no answer.
“Carl? Carl!” She heard someone yell and the awkward drumming stopped at the same time and she walked in.
Her gaze immediately fell on Letty’s back, as she stood above a table in the far right of the room.
“Larry on the phone for you.” She recognized the man talking; it was Ricky, Letty’s best friend.
She noticed the instruments on the left and a man putting down the drumstick while saying. “I really have no rhythm whatsoever,” he said as he walked away from the instruments until he saw Sarah.
Sarah frowned slightly as the man hurried away, took the phone from Ricky’s hand and walked out of the room by a back door behind the group gathered around the table. She now noticed the heavy frown on Ricky.
“Sorry. I knocked but—”
“Sarah?” Letty turned, and so did everyone else.
Letty quickly moved ahead before Sarah could step further into the room. The rest of the group discreetly took away the papers they were looking at and brought everything to the other room, but Sarah was oblivious to that as her gaze was riveted on Letty.
“So sorry. Didn’t think I’d interrupt. I mean I heard the noise.”
“No, no it’s okay. Um, how did you—”
“I was early and wandered around when I saw your car out there, and then the pamphlets on the front door. Then I heard the noise. I swear I knocked.”
“Yes, sorry about that. He was taking our ears off too.”
Sarah smiled but frowned at the same time as she pointed toward the door. She sounded amused as she said.
“I think I literally chased that guy away or what?”
“No, no,” Letty said as she gently put her hand on Sarah’s shoulder. She waved backward. “See you guys later.” As they reached the corridor, Letty explained. “His girlfriend caught him cheating three weeks ago. She broke up, he begged, she took him back, but she calls every day. The only women she tolerates around him for now are Sally, ‘cause she’s so involved with Philip. And me, for obvious reasons. So he kinda freaked because she also pays him surprise visits too.”
“Is he in the band? Cause he kind of sounds…bad, I have to say.”
Letty chuckled. “No. Just a friend. A distant friend of a friend in fact. You know how it is.”
“I didn’t get to say hi to Ricky. He doesn’t like me much, does he?”
“Of course, he does. Why would you say that?”
“Well, you didn’t even introduce me. I mean, we’re only roommates, I get it but…I got the feeling they weren’t too keen on me. Is it a vegan thing? They’re all vegans, right?”
“No, I—” Letty couldn’t really deny this.
There was more to it of course, but in the end, it was what it was. Sarah was not part of the gang. Letty tightened her hold on Sarah and realized she still had her arm around her. Neither Sarah nor she had made any move to pull away. “Sometimes they get a bit intense. And anyway you got in just in time and saved me from more a cappella rehearsal of our new songs; I’ve got more verses in those. I hate that. So I’m glad you showed up. And besides, I don’t want to share you...” Their eyes seemed to have a language of their own for a moment, but Letty added. “I mean, Sally and Pete love Santa Monica. Last thing I wanted was for them to tag along. That’s what I meant.”
Letty’s words made Sarah grin. She wished she could hide the slight blush on her cheeks though, but at least she didn’t shy away from it, for once. Sure, it was still frightening to feel Letty’s interest in her, but she was too comfortable with her to run away or take it the wrong way. Nowadays she just took things as they came. She enjoyed those moments.
As long as Letty didn’t cross any lines, Sarah didn’t have to panic and fly across the country. Sarah mentally scolded herself. She wanted to laugh at herself in fact, but unfortunately, it happened in the past. And she hoped she could find it in her that it did not happen again. However, she knew she was far from ready for any other outcome should Letty indeed cross that line. But for now, all she had to focus on was having a good time, eating a pancake on the pier or an ice cream, and drinking her favorite soda Coca-Cola, despite Letty’s well-known disapproving rant about the evil brand. Sarah loved that too: their banter, their exchanges.
***
Sarah sighed for the umpteenth time as they had to backpedal for the second time in ten minutes.
“Why did it have to be here? God, I was so sure it was at UCLA.”
“I think they call that wishful thinking, Sar.”
Sarah looked on the right, then on the left, but she was utterly lost. Letty pointed at a panel on the right.
“How about we simply check the panel over there. I think I saw a poster for the colloquium.”
“It won’t give us the room of today’s lecture. Jeez, I’ve never been late in my whole life.”
Letty couldn’t help but smile. “USC’s really cramping your style, isn’t it?”
Sarah shrugged and kept looking around. “I’ve been here before. I should find my way around here.”
“You were a child, and all you’ve seen was probably the science department or your father’s office.”
“I’ve visited Dornsife before. In my senior year, to please Dad, I let him think I might register to Dornsife’s College of Letters Arts and Science.”
“Yeah but you were never gonna do it, so your mind didn’t really memorize the place. Besides, those campuses are just way too big.”
Sarah took a deep breath. “Okay, we’re at the Spanish Department; a conference by Gabriela Basterra can’t be that far.”
Letty shrugged. Admittedly conference or lectures were not her thing, but as a Latino young woman, she had been interested by a lecture called Subjectivity and the Outside of Language, held by a renowned professor of Comparative Literature and Spanish from New York University. Mostly she was glad that Sarah had asked her if she wanted to come. Now she wondered if, inwardly, the thought of going to USC had messed with Sarah’s mind and made her invite her so as to not come here alone.
“Hey, just relax, there’s a note over there.”
They walked toward the white paper on the board.
“You’ve got to be kidding me?” Sarah said out loud.
“Why? Where is the Golden Eagle Ballroom?” Letty said, looking around them while Sarah scratched her head.
“It’s…not here.” Sarah sighed. “I’m so sorry.”
“It’s okay,” Letty shrugged with a smile.
“I mean, we can still go, I guess. It’s on State University Drive. We’ll be late. I hate that I’ve asked you out of the blue, and now I’m making you miss it. I…” Sarah hesitated.
“You didn’t think I’d say yes, did you?” Letty said with an amused grin.
Sarah was embarrassed to nod. “I just…”
“Don’t sweat about it. Lectures and conferences, not really my thing. You asked and I said why the hell not, but it was mostly because you’d be here too.”
Sarah opened her mouth to speak but closed it just as soon and simply stared. Letty’s smile was disarming.
Letty squared her shoulders. “Tell you what, can’t help you on the whole comparative literature thing, but I can help you with the Spanish part. Let’s go get tacos or something and we’re set. I’ll order everything in Spanish if you want.”
Sarah chuckled.
“You really are something.”
Letty winked at her. “Okay, let’s get out of this labyrinth.”
“Yes, I’m feeling my usual USC headache coming.”
“Sarah?”
Sarah froze. Letty saw her murmur a ‘Jesus’ before she turned away, seeing a tall, grey-haired man wearing a casual suit and accompanied by two students wearing white coats. Although one was taking it off and the other began doing the same, they stopped as the man pulled Sarah into a hug. Sarah’s dad. No doubt about that when he pulled away and Letty was faced with the same blue eyes as Sarah’s. Letty swallowed.
“Dad, what are you doing here?”
“We have a board meeting. I took the opportunity to take Elise and Van Truong, my newest interns, for a quick tour and to meet a few colleagues they’ll need to know.” At this, Fredrick gestured toward the left. “We were heading to the biochemical department. I have to hurry though, sweetheart. What are you doing here?” Only now did he notice Letty. He handed his hand to her with a generous smile.
“My apologies. I’m Fredrick Weisman.”
“Of course, sir. I’ve heard a lot about you,” she said as she took his hand and shook it as generously. It wasn’t so hard after all was the thought that crossed her mind when she managed an honored smile on her face. “I’m Leticia Rodriguez, Sarah’s roommate. It’s truly an honor, sir,” she added. Sarah raised her eyebrows and Letty rolled her eyes at her.
“Thank you,” he told her with a contented grin before beginning to walk again, pulling his daughter with him while addressing the two women at the same time.
“So what are you girls doing here?”
The two interns followed quietly.
“We were going to the conference with Gabriela Basterra but I messed this up. It wasn’t here.”
“Well, I’m attending a conference a little later on neuroscience. You’re welcome to join me.”
Sarah glanced at Letty and they shared a smile. “I think we’ll pass, Dad.” But she was surprised when Letty said.
“Well it depends, sir. Will they be talking about Rett Syndrome?”
Sarah stared at her wide-eyed and Letty held back a chuckle as she told her. “It’s a form of autism.”
Sarah rolled her eyes; she knew what it was, she was just surprised by Letty’s question and interest or knowledge about it.
“One of the most severe, I have to say,” Fredrick said. He seemed glad about the question, and even more about the possibility that Sarah and her friend may accompany him to the conference.
“I know you’ve worked with CARE in Boston for a while. You wrote a great publication about defining language phenotypes in autism, ten years ago.”
Fredrick seemed impressed and Sarah knew he was glad. Sarah couldn’t tell what he was working on these days, so ten years ago? This was actually surprising.
“That is correct. Do you study neuroscience?”
“No, sir. Just random interest in science.”
He nodded his approval before saying. “Well, it’s not on the agenda for tonight I have to say, but I can tell you for a fact that a fellow professor from Penn State is on the verge of a major breakthrough. However tonight we’ll be mostly talking about new studies on Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis. It will be very interesting. Our colleagues from North Carolina are leading the research in a brand-new direction.”
Letty nodded politely. Sarah rolled her eyes at Letty and could see that, with all due respect to Fredrick Weisman, they both couldn’t wait to get out of here. Sarah was glad about Letty’s intervention though because her father had appreciated it. It wasn’t much, but it was about science, so…
“We definitely have to go, Dad. We have something else planned.”
Letty winked at Sarah’s white lie.
Fredrick was about to say something when Sarah stopped walking.
“Hey Letty, isn’t that Carl over there? I mean, your friend with the jealous girlfriend?”
Letty tensed ever so lightly and stared where Sarah was pointing at. A janitor was hurrying toward a service door. He cast a quick glance backward and Letty shook her head.
“No, it’s not him. I think Carl is a sales technician.”
“You think?”
“I told you, he’s more a friend of a friend. I don’t really know him that well, you know.” This was true. Carl was an acquaintance of Larry. He was not from their group.
Fredrick took a look to see what the hold was about.
“That’s Ben. He’s been here for a couple of months. He’s in our department as well. Sweet man, very cheerful and efficient, perhaps too much.” Letty held her breath at those words until Fredrick added. “We mustn’t leave anything out of place if we don’t want it ending up in the trash. Very dedicated man. I need to hurry now, ladies.”
“I know Dad, and we have to go anyway.”
“All right, will you come by tomorrow?”
Sarah confirmed she would and kissed her father on the cheek, before the two women walked in the opposite direction from Fredrick and his two shadows.
“Okay, what was that about? And how do you know about Rett Syndrome?”
Letty glared. “Just because I didn’t finish high school doesn’t mean I’m dumb.”
Sarah was embarrassed but couldn’t help a smile though. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it that way.”
Letty shrugged, a smile on her lips though. “Admittedly, if Pete’s little brother didn’t have it, I wouldn’t know about it. But still. You’ve hurt my pride just now.”
Sarah chuckled and linked arms with Letty as she said, “Let’s go have those tacos and you can order everything in Spanish for the both of us to let me know how limited my Spanish is. How’s that sound?”
“Sounds about right.”
On this playful note they left USC. They grabbed a bite in a nearby restaurant before going home in that same enjoyable atmosphere.
***
Sarah smiled at the umpteenth ‘wow’ she heard from Letty in thirty minutes. Letty didn’t notice as she was too busy looking up at the ceiling of UCLA Powell Library. Sarah walked through the arches toward the exit but stopped when she saw Letty was nowhere behind her. Sarah chuckled again.
Letty hurried to Sarah and whispered as if speaking a secret.
“Dios Mio! The whole thing is bigger than my old high school!”
All Sarah could do, faced with Letty’s wide eyes, was smile even more. “And that’s just one of the libraries?”
Sarah nodded. “Yes. Powell is where I spend most of my time. I actually spend more time here than in actual classes, to tell the truth. Or, well, I used to.” Sarah ended shyly with a brief look away.
She had definitely taken up the habit of studying at home now, feeling very comfortable in her apartment with Letty close. Everything was different. Living with her parents, time outside the house was welcomed. But then she didn’t exactly have a social life, so focusing on her courses, spending her free time studying, or just reading had become a habit.
Everything seemed different now. It was scary, but she did feel good staying at home with Letty, so she tried not to overanalyze it.
They were walking down the stairs and Letty stopped to admire the owls carved at the foot of the stairs’ railing. Letty looked up and left, her head turning everywhere once again. Initially, Sarah had been mad at herself for forgetting the two research papers she needed for an upcoming essay, because Letty didn’t have much time before she had to go to the store for her afternoon shift. They absolutely needed to buy a new coffee machine and a few groceries for Sarah, since Letty would be bringing back most groceries from A Vegan World, but mostly a new vacuum since Letty’s old one had died two days ago. Now, however, having showed a little bit of what was such a huge part of her life and something she cared a lot about, she was content for the oversight.
“Hey sexy, I thought it was you,” said a redhead who arrived behind Sarah, put an arm around her waist, and turned to stand in front of her, her arm sliding on Sarah’s waist until she pecked Sarah, almost on the lips. Sarah seemed surprised by the gesture, but Letty didn’t see that look since her eyes were stuck on the woman’s arm still around Sarah’s waist. And the almost kiss?
Oh my God, Letty blinked. I am jealous.
“Vanessa, hey. I didn’t see you.”
Sarah pulled away just a little bit. Letty cleared her throat since Vanessa stood in front of Sarah, with her back turned to Letty. Vanessa glanced backward.
“Oh, hi. I’m Vanessa.”
“Hey, I—”
“So you’re coming after all?” Vanessa went on, her face turned to Sarah again while Letty frowned, putting one hand on her hip with a perplexed look. It was a good thing she was used to processing things in her mind seven times before voicing her thoughts.
“Coming? Oh damn, the lecture. I completely forgot.” Sarah answered Vanessa before throwing Letty an apologizing glance.
“It’s not full. You should come.”
“I don’t think I’ll have time.” Sarah checked out her watch.
Letty frowned again.
“Come on, I’ll save you a seat.”
“We have to do some shopping before Letty goes to work.”
Vanessa looked at Letty again, as if she had forgotten she was here.
“Oh, a civilian. You looked so normal though,” she said with a smile, but her tone did everything but make Letty want to return it. Once again looking at Sarah and putting her hand on Sarah’s arm, Vanessa added. “Surely she can find her way through a few department stores on her own, right?”
“Hey. Standing right here, you know,” Letty said, stepping one step closer.
Sarah figured she should say something, but Letty’s next comment surprised her as much as they elated her.
“And no, I can’t. It’s for our home, you know. So Sarah has to be there with me.”
Sarah couldn’t believe her eyes when she felt Letty’s hand on her other arm. Sarah gulped. She was jealous. Letty was jealous of Vanessa. That wasn’t good. That couldn’t happen, right? Then why was she also happy about that fact?
“Well, if you change your mind…I’ll still keep a seat for you, or you can just sit on my lap,” Vanessa said with a wink.
Letty held back a sigh. She had no idea where her slight outburst had come from. She had no rights over Sarah. She certainly shouldn’t claim any. But it had come out without any warnings. So now she pulled away while Sarah nodded politely.
Vanessa kissed her once more on the corner of her lips before pulling away.
“We still on for next Tuesday, Sarah, right? I’m so behind. I really need you.”
Sarah’s eyes widened when she heard Letty’s low ‘I’ll bet you do’ through pouting lips. Sarah held back a smile as she nodded at Vanessa.
“I’ll be there.”
“Text me,” Vanessa said and left while Sarah turned toward Letty.
An awkward silence set between them while they tried to find the right words to say next. They began walking, silently at first.
“She’s, um, the girl I’m tutoring.”
“I got that.”
“She really is behind, though.”
“Maybe she should party less then.” Sarah frowned and Letty added. “Come on, tell me you didn’t smell it?”
“Oh that, yeah, she likes her booze. But she’s always focused when we study together.”
“I’ll bet she’s not eager to catch up.”
Sarah stopped walking and asked, even though the possible answer scared her.
“What was that about, Letty?”
Letty wanted to say she had no idea what Sarah was talking about, but she wasn’t five. However, she could definitely not go that way, she knew that.
“I’m sorry. I was out of line. I guess, I don’t know, I didn’t like her. And you should go to that lecture, whatever it’s about. It’s your thing, to you…and her.”
Now Sarah wanted even more to ask what that meant, but she wouldn’t head in that direction either, not sure she could handle the answer. She had no real interest in Vanessa anyway. She’d had her doubts about Vanessa’s sexuality, but the redhead had never been so obvious before. Sarah had no idea what had gotten into her either today. They usually had a very nice time together; Vanessa was always attentive and often queried about her and her life.
“No, it’s okay. She should, though; it’s on Victorian romances but I’ve covered that last year. I only said I would accompany her so we could work on it in our next session. But I know that topic well enough, so I’d much rather go shopping because we definitely need the vacuum, or my allergies will start again. And that’s gross.”
“I doubt you could ever be gross.”
Sarah looked away briefly, just like every time Letty complimented her.
“Anyway. I can buy it on my own. Seriously. It’s gonna stay in the trunk until I get home tonight anyway. I do know my way through a department store.”
Sarah’s smile tense. “I really don’t know what got into her. She’s not like that usually.”
“That’s because I’m prettier than her. Some people just can’t handle that.”
Sarah laughed but Letty went on. “Most probably, she acted like that because I was here. She has her eyes on you so—”
“No, she doesn’t.”
“Come on, you’re not that blonde, Sar.”
They walked out into the sun.
“But seriously. Okay, I had my doubts about her. But…She’s usually really nice, she listens, asks a lot of question. She already knows about you, that you’re my roommate, a civilian as she said, a vegan etc. She asks a lot of question about me and my life. She cares. I think she’s the closest thing I have to a friend, besides you of course. Maybe she just PMSed today. Who knows?”
Letty shrugged. “So you’re sure you don’t want to go?”
“I’m sure,” Sarah said with a bright smile and then walked silently for a few more minutes, before talking about UCLA again.
Letty had been amazed by what she had seen. Before reaching the library, their route had allowed Sarah to show Letty the biggest lecture room she had ever seen. Sarah took her favorite class in it. Letty couldn’t believe how big the whole campus was. It was three times bigger than the small town she grew up in. Letty also recalled that this wasn’t for her. Not that there weren’t school topics she had loved as a kid, like history and literature, or even geography, but long hours studying or reading essays, big lecture rooms. So much individual work. She could focus on everything about the store, inventory, etc, but she had learned to do it and it interested her. She was practical. College seemed too abstract, too theoretical to her.
They shopped and got everything in the trunk of Letty’s Plymouth, then Letty dropped Sarah at the closest metro station before driving to work. Sarah shopped for a few groceries at the closest market to their apartment, then studied the books she had borrowed at the library. For a while she had trouble focusing, though. The scene with Vanessa played in her head. Letty’s jealousy, the way it had made her feel to see Letty’s claim over her. She couldn’t take pleasure in it. But it was there, they were getting closer, and Sarah enjoyed their closeness so much. How could she take a step back when she didn’t want to? That was the question.
***
It was past eleven pm when Sarah walked into the apartment. She had spent most of Friday afternoon in Glendale with her mother, who had greatly enjoyed her daughter’s presence. Sarah had helped her cook a church lunch for the homeless which was to take place the next day. By the time her father came home, she had already agreed to stay for dinner. Her mother had seemed too happy for her to refuse.
Sarah had almost backpedaled, though, when her father brought home with him two colleagues from the science department and the dean. Jason, her father’s suggested beau for her, had been there too. But in the end she had a nice evening; Jason had loosened up a bit. Sarah wasn’t sure whether her father had coached him or not, but he hadn’t talked scientist all evening, for once, so they actually exchanged more than three-words sentences.
Yes, she had enjoyed the whole day, but she had been glad when it was time to go home. She hadn’t cringed when her father suggested Jason drive her home because of the late hour. Truth was, she had been glad he did because, as she had told them, one could see the strangest things and the strangest people at night on public transportation. Besides, Jason had been rather pleasant, and she hoped it would stay that way until he dropped her off. During the drive he had tried to invite her for a lunch together, then a movie, then just a coffee, then he had said he hoped she could be there the next time her father invited him, then he had just said goodbye and let her get out of the car.
Poor Jason, she thought, before sighing as she walked up the stairs of her condo. He was a sweet guy, he was cute, not handsome like Eric, but he had a lot of charm and a great smile. So why had she refused all his attempts? She could have at least said yes for a coffee, just to see where it could lead. It would make him happy. It would make her father happy. She had no good reasons not to. Those were her thoughts as she walked into the apartment.
Everything was quiet and dark inside; the only light was provided by the streetlamps three stories down. Sarah saw Letty asleep on the couch. She knew Letty had worked at the shelter all day after a full week at the store every day and the shelter every evening. She had put in crazy hours this past week. She seemed deeply asleep in her usual sports bra and cotton shorts.
Sarah seemed to be pulled like a magnet, and soon she crouched in front of her, not to wake her up and suggest she would be better in her own comfy bed than on the tight couch. No, not to tell her this or anything at all, especially not to wake her up, not while she was staring at her.
This was why she hadn’t said yes to Jason’s invitations. She felt absolutely nothing, zero spark, zero attraction to him. He was cute, she knew, but he didn’t stir anything in her, not like what she was feeling right now. Her fingers itched to lie on that taut stomach and travel along Letty’s tight abs, then down to caress those powerful hips, that tanned skin. Sarah’s eyes lingered on Letty’s mouth, she moved inches closer, watching the rise and fall of Letty’s chest, before staring again at those sensual lips.
She pulled back quickly then, so quickly she landed on her ass. How was it possible to want to touch someone so badly? It was insane. It was driving her crazy. In that moment she really thought she was going mad. Attraction like that did not exist. It could only be wrong to be so strong. She couldn’t want something like that so much. She needed to do something, she had to stop that.
She couldn’t call Jason back though. He was a sweet guy, he would want to date, he’d even let them take things slow and maybe that was a bad thing. Maybe she had been wrong all along by wanting more, because every time she got close to more, it was never the type of more she was willing to face and accept. So maybe the only way was to have less and act more. There was this party tonight that she was invited to. A frat party. It was crazy but since she was heading there, why the hell not go crazy the normal way?
With this in mind she left and, despite her previous thoughts on public transportation at night, she took the subway to the party— it wasn’t very far anyway. She would be there soon, and she would meet some of the many students who had hit on her since the beginning of the school year. It would be fun, there would be alcohol, she would take one drink, she didn’t want to be drunk, but just one drink, or two perhaps, to loosen up and she would let it go.
***
Marc Marquez parked his Honda Civic Coupe at Point Dume in Malibu. The moon reflected on the ocean. It was quiet and eerie. But all he could think about was the very hot blonde sitting next to him. He had been ecstatic when Sarah had shown up to the frat party he was at. Even more ecstatic when, forty minutes into the party, she had asked him if he wouldn’t rather go somewhere else, somewhere private. He had already noticed her in the one class they had in common. She was definitely the type to be noticed, even if she stayed in a corner, she was smoking as he referred to her with his buddies, but she wasn’t the party type of girl, and he had never before had the opportunity to try anything. Whatever had made her come out tonight, it was his lucky day, he thought as he stared at her.
He was even more surprised when she instigated the kiss. Had he known she would be this easy, he would have asked her out a long time ago. He would have scored major points with his buddies at the frat house with a perfect ten like her, he figured. He wasted no more time with these thoughts, though, as his hands fumbled under her shirt, grabbing a round breast over the bra and squeezing it like a lemon.
“You’re fucking hot.”
Sarah didn’t answer; she let him kiss her neck. He moved his other hand to her crotch and pressed against it.
“Tell me if I’m going too fast.”
Sarah shook her head and kissed him again, therefore avoiding his gaze. She couldn’t even look at him. What was wrong with her? What the hell was she doing here?
She flashbacked to Letty and the intensity of the previous day. She flashbacked to Eric and turned the question the other way: yes, what was wrong with her? How come she’d never been in a car with a guy before? Every one of her so-called friends, or at least college comrades, had a car sex story to tell. She didn’t even have an anywhere sex story to tell.
“You okay?” Marc asked as she spaced out.
“Yes,” she said though, still avoiding eye contact which didn’t seem to faze him the least bit. He caressed the side of her face, then down to her breast.
“I’m so fucking hard right now. You like that, uh?”
Sarah swallowed but he went on. “I must say, I never saw that one coming. You didn’t seem that type of girl. I mean, you always look so serious, you know.”
Sarah looked at him. “Well I guess…I got tired of not being that type of girl.” She pulled him into another kiss, but as his hands roamed over her body, she had a tendency to pull away. Why did she hate the feel of his hands on her breasts, or his ragged breathing in her neck as he was getting over excited?
What is wrong with me, she asked herself once again before deciding that nothing was wrong and she could do it. With this in mind, she fumbled with the zip of his pants. She heard him groan as she pulled his erected member out of his briefs. She closed her eyes and began stroking him while he leaned his head backward against the head of the seat.
“Oh yeah,” he moaned. “Oh, so good.” His right hand was on the back of her head and slowly, he began pushing it down, first she let him do but as her face neared his penis, she began to hold back. He put his other hand. “Go ahead, Sarah. Suck it, God I’m so hard.”
Sarah swallowed. She closed her eyes and bent but as soon as her lips touched the tip of his penis, she pulled away abruptly.
“What the fuck?”
“I‒I’m sorry; I can’t.”
“What?” He almost shrieked then put his hand behind her head to push her down but she fought it.
“I can’t, okay? I won’t.”
“What kind of bitch are you?” He pointed at his erected member. “What the hell are you playing at, you fucking tease?”
“I’m sorry. I thought I cou—”
“Like I care! You can’t leave me like that. I’m hard as fuck.” On this he took his shaft in his hand and began stroking himself.
Sarah began putting her shirt back in place. “You’re not even going to help me?” He asked, pointing once again at his penis with his hand wrapped around it. “Get the fuck out of my car!” He said before she could mumble another apology.
“Marc, I—”
“Get out!” He pushed her hard against the passenger door which he opened and threw her out. She stumbled and barely managed to stay on her feet. She rubbed her shoulder where she’d hit the passenger door.
She couldn’t hold back her tears, standing outside the car, alone, the wind blowing on her face, her shirt half opened while her date of the night was jerking off inside. She took deep breaths and held back her tears. She waited until he was finished. She tried to open the door, but it was locked. She tried harder when the engine started.
“Marc? Marc!!” She yelled when the car began to move. His tires left marks at the speed he drove out. “Marc!” she yelled as the car drove away. She ran when it stopped but Marc quickly threw her purse out the window and drove away again.
By the time she got to her knees to pick up the scattered item of her purse, the car was far away. She couldn’t stop crying. She was stranded, miles away from home, no car, no bus stop anywhere near; besides, it was two-thirty in the morning. The wind was blowing hard and, with the fatigue and the emotions swirling in her, she was getting cold. She grabbed the last item on the ground: her cell phone. Letty’s number was the first one that came to mind. She stared at her phone. It wasn’t like she had anyone else to call. How could she explain that to her parents? Or even fake some kind of explanation? But more than this, she really needed to hear Letty’s voice right now. And in this moment, she didn’t care what it looked like or what it felt like, it was what came to her mind, to her heart. She had to call Letty.
She dialed the number. Letty was probably asleep. What could she do for Sarah anyway? Sarah didn’t know but she called anyway.
Letty answered on the third ring, the time it took for her to stir up from her sleep. At the first crack in Sarah’s voice, Letty sat up straight on the couch.
‘Where are you’ were the first words Letty asked before Sarah could even say more than two words. Letty thanked God that this was nighttime; traffic could get heavy along those miles. It still took her thirty minutes to get there, driving really fast, worrying, wondering what had happened. Many questions she had wanted to ask on the phone, but the sound of tears and despair in Sarah’s voice had drowned out all that, and all she wanted above all, at that moment, was to make sure Sarah was safe. She would question later.
Letty let a sigh of relief when she caught sight of Sarah. She was leaning against the rail overhanging the cliff. Sarah had been seated but got up immediately at the approach of a car. She took a deeper exhale, half relieved, half trying to hold back her tears. She had decided not to cry anymore, not in front of Letty. She had bothered her enough as it was, and Sarah wasn’t sure she could bear more embarrassment. But once Letty got out of the car and reached for her, immediately hugging her tightly, Sarah’s emotions took the best of her and she began sobbing again. Letty held her, telling her it was okay and to let it go. She didn’t talk, she just held her, rocked her, soothed her.
The headlights of Letty’s car were the only light besides the moon. When Sarah’s sobs quieted, Letty pulled away just an inch. She wiped away the tears on Sarah’s cheek with her long sleeve t-shirt and handed her a handkerchief.
Letty caressed Sarah’s head from the top to her neck. Sarah could hardly believe the concern she read in Letty’s eyes.
“I’m fine,” she said.
“Right,” Letty said with a tense laugh. “You’re shaking like a leaf.”
“It’s just the wind, I’m tired, I was getting cold… I swear it’s all it is.”
Letty shrugged off Sarah’s explanation and guided her to the passenger seat. “Get in the car, I’m bringing you home.”
They were quiet for five minutes before Letty, fingers squeezing the wheel, dared ask.
“What happened?”
“Nothing.”
“Don’t even try, Sarah. I’m this close to driving straight to the police station, I hope you know that.”
“What, no do—”
“What did he do to you?”
Sarah realized the tight grip Letty had on the wheel. Her knuckles were white.
“Nothing.”
“Sarah—”
“I swear. No one touched me, if that’s what you’re worried about.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes.”
“Then what happened?”
“It’s really nothing,” Sarah said with a swallow while she stared at the window, her elbow against it while she rested her forehead against her hand.
“Whatever happened, the sucker left you in the middle of nowhere, that’s not gonna sit with me. Was it Eric?”
“No.”
“Then who was it?”
“It doesn’t matter.”
“Like hell it doesn’t!”
Sarah took a deep breath but stayed silent.
Letty stayed quiet too. She had too many thoughts in her head, and she didn’t want to say the wrong thing. She let the drive home calm them both. She hated the sadness on Sarah’s face, that was for sure.
“Sit. I’ll make you hot chocolate,” Letty said as she headed toward the fridge.
“You don’t have to. It’s 4 am. I think I’ve wasted enough of your night already.”
Letty took a few steps back. She ran her hand on Sarah’s cheek in a surprising yet gentle move. “I don’t care,” she said with honesty.
Sarah was touched and didn’t reply. She sat on the couch while Letty made the hot chocolate which she then brought her.
She let Sarah have a few sips before asking her again what had happened. When Sarah said it was nothing and it was her fault, Letty thought she was going to lose it, but she took a deep breath and calmed down at the sight of Sarah’s watery eyes.
Letty took Sarah’s hands in hers. “Did he hurt you, Sarah?” She couldn’t help asking again, very quietly.
“No.”
There are many ways to hurt someone, Letty was about to say but it hit her that it was terribly true for her and her relationship with Sarah, and she felt suddenly very uncomfortable saying anything of the sort.
However, Sarah went on before she could gather her thoughts.
“I’m the one who hit on him, or let him hit on me. I’m the one who got him there, us, alone up there. I’m the one who kissed him and…” she trailed off.
Letty kept her tone quiet as she asked. “Then what happened? Why did he leave you out there this way? Who is this guy, by the way?”
“Just some guy I met at this party I went to tonight.”
“Why did you do it? Go to that party and…sleep with him? It’s not like you.”
“Maybe it should be. And…I didn’t sleep with him. I couldn’t even blow—”
“You can’t be serious, right? Not talking about blowing him, but the other part of what you said. Why would you want to be a skanky ho?”
“Because it’s just so easy! To them, they have fun and they have sex and party and everything is just…light and fun and a no brainer.”
“Oh it’s fun until they get date-raped or pregnant or get AIDS. So much fun. So, sure, some women know what they want; they like sex, no strings attached, and they’re entitled to. They live as they wish and are responsible in what they want and how they want it. But that’s not you, Sarah. This is not what you want. This is not what’s good for you. It’s just so obvious.”
Letty wished she could find the words. She wished Sarah would stop doing this to herself. Why was this beautiful, smart, and kind young woman spiraling toward self-destruction somehow?
“I’m worried about you. One of these days it will end badly. You don’t have to do this to yourself, Sarah.”
Sarah swallowed. She stared at Letty.
“I just want to be normal,” Sarah said sternly.
Letty put her hand on Sarah’s shoulder and squeezed it. “Just be yourself.”
“I don’t know if I can do that. Ever.”
Letty wanted to say more but Sarah looked away. “I don’t want to talk about this anymore. I’m going to take a shower now.” She stood and left for the bathroom.
When Sarah walked out ten minutes later, wearing a night shirt and short. Letty’s eyes widened at the large purple bruise on the whole side of her shoulder and arm.
Letty took her arm in her hands and checked it in every angle, pretty much as Sarah had checked her when she had come home with a black eye.
Sarah smiled apologetically at Letty’s questioning frown.
“Honda Civic’s doors are quite hard.” But before Letty could ask her what his name was so she could go and beat the crap out of him. She went on. “Yeah, he threw me out quite abruptly, but I really don’t want to talk about it anymore. Not gonna see that guy, ever. He was just pissed. Who could blame him, I couldn’t even finish a hand job for God’s sake. What is wrong with me, Letty?”
Too many questions for Letty to answer after such a speech. She wanted to ask who it was to, indeed, go and beat the crap out of him with Ricky’s help. She wanted to shake Sarah strongly for making excuses for the creep. To Letty, Sarah could have walked out on him in the middle of sex and it would still not justify leaving a young woman outside in the middle of the night for every creep to attack, rob, rape, or even murder. But all Letty could do right now was let her fingers gently caress Sarah’s face, because all that resonated in her mind was Sarah’s plea and her own confusion. She couldn’t bear this. She pulled Sarah into a hug.
“Nothing. Nothing is wrong with you, Sarah. I wish you could see that.”
Letty felt Sarah shaking a little. She guided them toward the couch and, pulling Sarah to her, she turned the TV on, tuning the sound almost to a whisper, just enough to drown the loud sound of Sarah’s thoughts…or at least try to. She held her for a while until she realized Sarah was asleep. She smiled and, slowly, she moved them on the side. Something told her she should just lean Sarah down, cover her and go to her bedroom, but the biggest part of her just wanted to keep on holding her. At least she was safe here. Letty watched her sleep for a little while, then fell into oblivion too.
Sarah was the first to wake up. At first, she was surprised to feel herself entangled with Letty’s warm body, but she didn’t move. She closed her eyes again and leaned deeper into Letty’s chest. Just a little while longer. She could feel good just a little while longer, she told herself. She didn’t have to think about last night, or the whys of her actions, or the reasons why she felt so good right now. She just did and she needed it. She could start over-thinking and over-worrying later. That sounded like a good plan.
Later, as they both woke up, they shared an implicit pact. They didn’t talk about it. Letty didn’t ask more questions, but she could see the features on Sarah’s face were lighter. Sarah asked her what her plans were for the day and they spent it together. They went shopping for clothes and food, little things, little very familiar things, but they had a good day. Sarah really felt better just spending time with her—it was a fact.
Letty was right anyway. Sarah knew she had to stop doing things such as last night. She had to take a little control back. She was not a stupid girl, usually, as she told herself. Just because she didn’t want to go a certain direction didn’t mean she had to force herself into the opposite direction. That would be just as bad. So for now, she decided to take things as they came.
The following week unfolded quietly. Letty spent more time at home than usual, and Sarah suspected she was checking on her. She secretly liked that, and it amused her as well. But she did feel good knowing that Letty would be home, that she would cook, and they would eat and talk. So no, they didn’t talk about more private subjects, but the conversation was always easy. They were having a good time with each other. There was nothing wrong with that, was there?