Apprehensions

Shaan dropped her off at the nearest bus stop with clear instructions, $100 in tens and twenties, some loose change, and a VISA card, which he stuffed in her purse when she refused.

“You don’t have to use it. Keep it for emergencies.”

“But I—”

She tried to hand it back and, when he didn’t accept, moved to shove it in his pocket.

“Damn you, Bee! I said emergencies all right? Say if, if…”

“What?”

“If you saw something nice in a shop you wanted to buy.”

“That isn’t an emergency, and anyway, I wouldn’t want to buy anything for myself with your money, Grey!” she said, getting flustered.

“I didn’t mean for you, I meant for me, Bee. What if you want to buy something for your new friend?” he asked softly, his eyes smiling.

Her brow creased for a moment, then she snickered. “I should have known, you’d always think about you first.”

“But, Bee!”

“All right, I shall keep it, but there are no guarantees I’ll get you anything!”

“Understood.” He uttered, laughing with relief. She had bought the ruse, and he didn’t care now about what she thought of him. “Are you really serious about this?”

“Yes, I am. And I’m not being impulsive. Don’t worry, I have all the important numbers written down, and I will call you if I need to.”

“All right, I tried. Bye, Bee.” It was difficult, but he was getting used to calling her by the weird name. He was certain he would miss her sting. He raised a hand to squeeze her shoulder then dropped it. With a short wave of his hand, he got into his car and slowly drove away.

She stood for sometime looking after him, wondering what still kept them going for each other’s throats. It’s me more than him. But he has hurt me and I cannot forget that. But I’m trying to.

“Hello there!”

Ruhi wheeled around, but failed to spot the voice. Then her gaze fell upon a fragile-looking creature sitting on the bus stop bench, so innocuous anybody could have passed by without noticing her there. She must be really old, thought Ruhi. Older than even Grandma with her back bent forward like a tired old tree branch, her stature tiny, as though she was slowly eroding into the surroundings, soon to disintegrate and disappear.

But her smile proved that she was very much alive and living, for it transformed her entire face and made it beautiful.

“Hello, my dear, are you new to this area? Haven’t seen you around before.” Her voice was soft but strong.

“Yes, I am new,” Ruhi said, sitting beside her on the bench.

“You are very pretty. I hope you don’t mind my saying so.”

Ruhi smiled shaking her head. “Of course not, but so are you.”

The old lady laughed, obviously pleased. “You think so? That’s what my Jeremy used to say all the time. He must have been right!”

“He is truly right.” Ruhi nodded.

“Was my dear, was. He’s gone, the old rascal is gone.” Her face suddenly crumpled like a piece of parchment.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to.”

“It’s all right, my dear, you didn’t know. I’d gotten so used to having him around, it’s hard to get used to him being gone. I had known him for sixty-two years out of which fifty-five we spent together, and I never got tired of him, never.”

There was a prolonged moment of silence as Ruhi pondered over this piece of information. She was having trouble spending even a day with the man she had agreed to marry.

“What is your name, my dear, you look so young, like a teenager.”

Ruhi replied, laughing, “Call me Bee, and I am not a teenager. I am twenty-three going on forty.”

“Then I am seventy-five going on sixteen and my name is Sunshine. Nice to meet you, Bee!”

“Very nice to meet you too, Sunshine. I guessed you were around eighteen, sorry,” Ruhi countered with a wide grin, sensing an immediate kinship with this little old woman.

“People often make that mistake, and I have to correct them.” One could spy a mischievous glint in Sunshine’s bright eyes, which shone blue like the sky from in between her wrinkled lids. “Who was that young man who dropped you off. Your husband? He seemed nice.”

Yes, but looks are deceiving, and I learned it the hard way. “No, he is not my husband. He’s a friend.”

“Just a friend?”

It was an uncomfortable moment for the younger woman. “Yes, just a friend!” The emphasis was an effort more to convince herself than Sunshine.

The blue eyes continued to twinkle.

With a pounding heart, Ruhi sprang up to her feet. “I think my bus is here. I should make a move.”

“Take care, my dear. I’m sure I’ll see you again.”

Sunshine’s young companion raised her hand in a brief wave; a part of her wanted to flee while another wanted to stay and bask in her maternal warmth.

***

“Where to, miss?”

Fraught with anxiety, Ruhi scanned the interior of the city bus she’d just boarded without any knowledge of the number or color. There it was! Her eyes zeroed in on the orange-colored strip running alongside the roof, then poured over the map Shaan had provided.

“What’s your stop, miss? I can’t wait much longer. I’m already running behind.” The driver seemed to appear calm, though she could sense an edginess in his voice, and the rest of the passengers weren’t far behind.

Spotting the name of her husband’s college, she eagerly pointed to it. “I need to get there.”

“That will be the fourth stop from here. Seventy-five cents.”

With nervous fingers, she dug through her purse. “I’m missing five cents.”

“I need exact change, miss.”

She bit on her lower lip to keep it from trembling. “Please…”

“Here you go! Five cents, sahi?”

Ruhi glanced over her shoulder to see a tall thin young Indian man proffering a nickel.

“Thank you. But I need to pay you back,” she said gratefully while moving down the aisle behind him. Settling herself down on an unoccupied seat across, she removed a dollar note from her purse.

“Hey, don’t even mention it. This change is weighing my pants down,” he exclaimed with a cheerful grin, brandishing a large plastic bag full of coins.

She smiled back. “Perhaps I should carry something like it, too.”

“Perhaps you should, comes in very handy in situations like these. By the way, are you new here? Haven’t seen you on the bus before. We ride this every day, me and Surjit.” Indicating at a little boy in a patka next to him who was propped up on his knees with his face pasted to the window. “My sister’s son,” he added as an afterthought with a self-conscious smile.

“Get down, Surjit! Don’t lick the glass, one day you’ll get stuck to it!”

The little boy seemed enthralled by his reflection.

“He has a learning disability you know. He is autistic. My sis has a hard time with him,” the young man volunteered as an explanation.

Ruhi smiled, clueless about what he was attempting to tell her. All she could gather was the little Surjit wasn’t “normal.”

The bus came to a standstill.

“Villa and Lake. We need to get down here.” He stood up in a hurry, and after some difficulty, extracted Surjit from the window. At the door, he looked back. “Do drop by sometime. My sis owns the convenience store near the gas station, and yes, you do owe me a nickel.”

He jumped off, and as the bus moved on, Ruhi could see him struggling to hold on to his little charge who in turn was intent on making a dash for it.

Just like me, she thought, running without knowing where to go.

***

“Hey, this is great, dude! Your wife is awesome!”

Shaan was sitting with his colleague and so-called “friend” Eric in the cafeteria. So-called because Eric had suddenly discovered his love for all things Indian after Ruhi had started sending packed lunches. Shaan hardly got around to tasting them as Eric was always there “to try a sample” and ended up finishing the entire box.

He watched Eric as he eagerly placed a large piece of bread in his mouth, but his thoughts were elsewhere. He was wondering about her; it had been two hours since he had left her at the bus stop.

And I know quite well she won’t call even if she gets lost. She is stubborn as hell. How stupid of me to let her go without a cell phone.

“Man, this is way too good. Your wife is crying hot!”

Shaan nearly burst out laughing when he saw tears streaming down Eric’s face. It had turned bright red, and he was chugging down on a soda can as if his life depended on it.

“I think I need to take a leak. See you later, bud. Do invite me to your place for dinner someday soon. Can’t wait to shake your lovely wife’s hand,” he said before hurrying away in the direction of the restrooms.

Placing a piece of the suspect paratha in his mouth, Shaan chewed on it slowly. The heat made a rapid ascent to his ears. He reached for a glass of water.

Ms. Bee, if nothing else, I do like your style of revenge.

Suddenly, he was alerted to the ringing of his phone. “Where are you Ru—I mean, Bee. Do you want me to pick you up?”

“It’s me, Des, Shaaan! And who is this bitch Bee? Doesn’t sound like your wife or is she?”

“Damn you, Des!” He was infuriated she had chosen to call from an unknown number. “I don’t appreciate you sneaking up on me like this. How dare you call my wife that? Anyway, why am I talking to you?” He hung up.

“Shaan, you can’t shut me off like this!”

Lifting his eyes, he saw her in front of him, dressed neatly in a crisp suit of soft blue wool, her manicured hands poised on the cafe table and carrying a desperate plea in her eyes. It appeared as though she hadn’t had her beauty sleep in a while.

“Wonder why you should say that?” An unsympathetic smirk formed on his lips. “You’ve never lacked for attention, have you?”

Standing up, he quickly made for the exit.

“Shaan, please listen to me!” She caught his arm. “I know I shouldn’t have said what I did the other day, but frankly, I thought it’d work best for both of us. I didn’t mean to put your…your wife down at all. You can’t keep ignoring me. I know you still love me, you just won’t accept it.”

Prying her hand gently off, he regarded her coldly and found himself oddly bereft of any emotion.

It’s amazing that I ran like a madman after this woman for a couple of years; at one time even fancying myself to be in love with her. But now, it all appears like a gross hallucination, a terrible blunder.

“Des, you are mistaken like I was at one time. I don’t love you. I never did. It was just a prolonged fling. You could even perhaps call it an obsession but not love. Never was it love.”

Then taking a quick glance at his watch, he said, “I need to go. People like us have to work for a living.”

She stood barring his passage. “Fine, if you say so, but you can’t deny there was something between us. A need we fulfilled for each other, a want, a desire. Something very palpable, which still exists and is very strong!”

He burst into a sneering laugh. “There you are. You said it loud and clear. You were fulfilling a basic need, and I like a fool mistook it for something deeper while you very knowingly played with my emotions.”

“Shaan, I didn’t! I was a victim who was suffering, and you helped reduce the pain and made me feel loved again, and I couldn’t let you go!”

“BS! You, a victim? I am the victim and so is your poor husband who has trusted you and has stuck with you throughout!” He saw her face flush with guilt, yet it didn’t evoke any sympathy in him.

“Are we getting together again or not?”

“No.”

“Really? You don’t want me anymore, Shaan?” she asked, incredulous, a frown on her lips.

“No, I don’t want you, neither do I need you! We are over, Des! Now will you let me go? I have an important meeting to attend with your husband.”

She stepped aside to let him pass. “You are fooling yourself, Shaan. You will live to regret it. I sense your sweet little wife has something to do with this.”

He spun around angrily. “I’m regretting the day I met you! And for heaven’s sake, don’t pull my wife into all this rubbish. I’m done with you. I wish you’d realize your mistakes and make up to your husband. He’s really a nice guy.”

“You don’t have to give me any bloody advice. I can take care of myself!” she blistered.

“I bet you can. Just be sure to pick up all the pieces!”

He walked away without a backward glance thinking, I need to get a cell phone for Bee. I hope she’s okay.

***

“This is where you get down, miss,” Advised the driver with a kind smile. “The U is down south about four blocks then due west. You cannot miss it.”

“Thank you,” Ruhi said, smiling back as she got off and tried to get her bearings. She wasn’t used to the lingo, preferring right or left to east or west. But she wasn’t one to give up easy. Taking some time to orient herself to the street signs with the road map gripped firmly in her hand, she proceeded confidently toward East California Street, the one on which the college was supposed to be located.

I need to get accustomed to this if I want to feel independent and maintain any semblance of sanity. I need to get out, meet people, see the world, be aware I’m not alone wallowing in my self-pity. I should try to be like Sunshine who still manages to smile despite losing her most beloved companion. Ruhi paused on the sidewalk, her eyes filling up with moisture. Some people are so lucky.

“Darn! There I go again feeling sorry for myself. Just another month, then we’ll be back to square one. He with his life and I with mine, albeit a very different one.”

How she came upon it, she wasn’t sure, yet there it was—Shaan’s alma mater—a huge campus, bigger than she had imagined and very awe inspiring. Shaan…no, Grey must have worked very hard to get here and then even harder to graduate. She saw a bunch of serious-looking students, their heads uniformly bent forward with purpose, walking alone with satchels and backpacks. A few nodded their greetings; one even asked if she needed any help. Shyly, shaking her head, she moved on, heading for the campus map, which looked dreadfully complicated, particularly to someone who didn’t know where she wanted to go.

She chose to take a slow stroll around, absorbing the scenery and inhaling the academic air. It reminded her of her own school in Calcutta thereby filling her with a profound sense of peace and security.

Meanwhile, Shaan was at his desk in his office, trying to get a program to function.

“Darn!” he muttered, sending his pencil flying. The missile hit the computer screen and broke its point.

“I have no results to show for all the bloody work I have done on this project just because of this one small error code, which keeps popping up all the time. If it wasn’t for Bee occupying my mind, I’d have fixed it long ago. Damn her! Crap!” he shouted as an entire cup of coffee upended itself on his pants; fortunately, it wasn’t hot.

“Hey, Shaan! Hope you aren’t using those words in front of my sister. She won’t like it.” Sooj walked up in his usual jocular manner. “Uh-oh! Somebody is cursing you somewhere for sure.” He laughed, grabbing several paper towels.

“Blast you, man! Why do I have to tolerate you!” Shaan exclaimed, grinning.

“Because Debo won’t make you your favorite Bhetki fry, that’s why!”

“Oh no! You know that’s my bimonthly treat. I can’t miss it for the world.”

“There you go. Better think before you speak in the future,” his friend warned. “Now here’s a surprise, something I believe you least expected.” Sujoy casually tossed a large manila envelope marked Confidential in big bold letters on Shaan’s desk.

He perused it curiously. “You don’t mean…”

“Yes, I mean exactly that, Shaan… We made it. Our hard work has paid off at last. Congratulations!”

“Damn it, man!” Shaan jumped up and hugged his buddy, a bright smile transforming his face. “We made it!”

***

I’m lost, hopelessly lost.

It was a terrifying thought and Ruhi had been toying around with it for some time. She had no idea where she was, but it was certainly not someplace she wanted to be. It had grown dark, and her bus was yet to arrive.

After whiling away a couple of hours meandering around the college grounds and indulging on a large chocolate chip cookie at the campus coffee shop, she had felt good and confident enough to wander farther afield. Urged by a thirst for adventure and reckless daring, Ruhi became bolder and allowed herself to drift toward downtown LA. Hopping off at accidental spots, she loitered on the streets, taking in the colorful landscape. Shaan’s camera was put to good use as she snapped away taking pictures of gaily decorated shop fronts, of well-dressed people with even better-dressed pets, of street entertainers and war vets holding cardboard placards with innovative pleas for help. She observed couples engrossed in love while some others solitary loners like her journeyed deep in thought toward some unknown destination. She watched young mothers jogging doggedly behind baby strollers and old women hauling shopping carts heaped with all their hoardings; all very curious and click worthy.

Immensely distracted and enamored by this slice of life, she soon found herself on a bus heading deeper into the heart of the city. Outside the scenery was changing. Instead of spick-and-span streets with upscale shops bustling with activity, she now saw run-down tenements with dark eerie-looking alleyways, graffiti-marred facades, broken shop windows, and young people with blank faces cruising around aimlessly. Some who happened to meet her eyes seemed to look right through.

Thoroughly unsettled, she got down at the last stop. “Where is this place exactly?”

“This is South Central, LA, quite a ways from Pasadena. Not a nice place for a lady like you, miss!” The driver’s voice displayed his concern. “You should probably call someone to pick you up. The uptown bus will be by in about ten minutes if you wait across the street.”

Ruhi crossed the street, nervous butterflies fluttering in her stomach, clutching her purse as close to her person as possible and on the lookout for anybody strange or suspicious.

She found herself the odd man out. An Asian dressed in brightly colored clothes was bound to attract unnecessary attention. A couple of hefty young men who had been eyeing her purse for sometime moved closer.

God! Why am I so stupid, to not even be aware of where I was going?

She started walking briskly, hoping they would lose interest. Without pausing to glance behind, her pulse now pounding painfully in her throat, her footsteps echoing loud on the cement sidewalk, she hurried toward the street corner where she could see a huge Walgreens sign, a chain pharmacy store Grey had told her about. It was sure to house a phone.

***

“Stupid, stupid Grey and stupider Bee! Made for each other, two of a kind! Blast you both! Wish we had retained our original names and remained sane!” Shaan thought aloud as he paced up and down near the gates of his apartment complex; he had been at it for the past hour, and it was now well past 9:00 p.m., and there was no sign of her.

He pulled out the brand-new Samsung cell phone he had bought for her that day, all charged up and ready to go. If she returned intact, he’d make sure she got to look at it every single day and not get to use it for he was going to lock her up!

A cop car pulled up in front of him.

His throat running dry, heart palpitating two hundred beats a minute, he prayed fervently it wasn’t bad news.

The driver’s side window rolled down, and a beefy red face popped out and looked inquiringly at him. “Sir, by any chance are you missing a wife?”

“Shaan!”

Suddenly, he found himself enveloped in a tight hug. It was such a wonderful feeling of relief he couldn’t help but hug her right back. She looked up at him, her face mirroring his feelings. Then abruptly, a cloud of confusion set in, and she stepped back and sprinted up the stairs.

“We found her in South Central,” the red-faced cop who had been watching in silence remarked casually.

Shaan was at a loss. “I…am sorry, Officer, it won’t happen again.”

“It better not. You never know what can happen to a pretty girl in those places. Hell, even I get nervous when I have to go out there, and I carry a bloody gun!” he said, patting his fat holster. “You better get her a phone, young man, and keep your quarrels close to home. At least she had the presence of mind to call 9-1-1.”

Shaan gave a grim nod as the officer waved and drove away.

He found her sitting on the couch contemplating her feet. “What kind of game are you playing with me, Ruhi!?”

She didn’t move nor did she attempt to reply.

“Ruhi, answer me!” He moved to stand imposingly over her, relief replaced with righteous anger.

She upturned her face; he could see her eyes were red, but she wasn’t crying anymore.

“Call me Bee, Grey. Then I will answer your questions.”

He felt like strangling her.

“Fine then, Ms. Bee, what kind of brain wave made you take a hike to South LA when I had clearly warned you about it!”

“I didn’t know it was South LA till I got there,” she retorted without any remorse.

“What then were you doing there in the dark? Waiting to get mugged? Why didn’t you call me?” He glowered, hands perched on hips.

“I must have dropped the piece of paper somewhere. I couldn’t find it in my purse,” she said somewhat sheepishly, not meeting his eyes.

“All right, now you’ve got what you wished for. You’re not going out alone anymore unless I take you with me. Understood?!” Then having dismissed the topic, he turned in the direction of the kitchen. “Did you get to eat anything?”

“Who are you to tell me what I should and shouldn’t do?” she asked, jumping up and assuming a haughty stance. “Don’t you remember the rules of our friendship?”

“The rules did not include dangerous and foolhardy stunts, my dear lady!”

“I don’t care! I am back safe and sound. Look, not a scratch,” she said, spreading her arms out.

“Do you mean to say that you were chased, robbed even?”

“No! Nothing like that happened! Rather it was fun. In fact, it was the best experience I’ve ever had in my entire life, and I took some great pictures!” she exclaimed, her face gleaming with clear joy.

He smiled, shaking his head. “Have you gone nuts, Bee?”

“No, of course not! I’m saying I’ll run away if you put restrictions on me, and I mean it!” Her lovely dark eyes flashed with defiance.

Shaan sighed, knowing her well enough to realize further arguments would only be an exercise in futility. He had thought up an alternative.

“I guessed as much, my friend,” he said, picking up a large paper bag from the counter.

“What’s this?” she asked curiously as he laid out various objects on the table.

“Objects necessary for sustenance of life and self-defense in this place, especially for young women who like to stare death in its face.”

Ruhi smiled, looking on amused as he held up the articles one by one.

“Cell phone. I’d have got one for you earlier hadn’t you been in such a massive hurry! Pepper spray and Swiss army knife. Be ready to use them without hesitation. It’s a ‘kill and try not to get yourself killed in the process’ world out there! And you can enroll yourself in some self-defense classes too if you wish.”

“I think these will do for the time being, thanks! Though I don’t think I’ll need to use them,” she remarked, keenly examining everything before turning to him. “So you knew from the beginning I’d resist?”

“Yes, I have become quite familiar with your hardheadedness. I can’t fight it, so I came prepared. But you did manage to stun me with your dramatic entry though,” he replied with an obscure smile.

She appeared chagrined. “Sorry, but I was at my wit’s end, and the cop was nice enough to offer me a ride back home.”

“Home?”

“Yes, at least while I’m living here.”

“Yes, while you are living here,” he muttered, feeling quite disappointed.

A slow flush crept up her cheeks. “I’m sorry, Grey.”

“For what?”

“For putting you through so much trouble and embarrassment.”

He laughed. “You came back unharmed, that’s good enough. As for the cop, he was doing his job.”

Turning on the TV, she asked softly, “So you were worried about me?”

“Of course I was. My wi—my friend, my roommate, my in-house gourmet chef has gone suddenly AWOL! Who wouldn’t be?”

“Yes, who wouldn’t be…” Not quite sure why, but she felt like crying again.

Blankly, she stared at a tender love scene from an old black-and-white movie. Abruptly, the remote was snatched away from her hand and the channel flipped. “Stupid old movies.”

“No, don’t change it. I want to watch. Fiction sometimes mirrors reality.”

“Does it really? Even now do you find eternal love stories?” He chuckled, looking at her in amused disbelief.

“Yes, even now. I found an old lady at the bus stop who had lost her husband of fifty-five years, and she still missed him.”

Shaan could sense the encounter had clearly affected her. “Yes, but stories like those are few and far in between.”

“I liked her. She calls herself Sunshine.” A pensive smile lit up Ruhi’s face.

“Wow! Then I’d like to meet her too, a woman with spunk is always entertaining.”

Seeing her puzzled expression, he laughed again before moving to the kitchen. “Now back to the matter of food… Unfortunately, you’ll have to make do with my best instant recipe.”

Then a few minutes later…

“Tada! Ms. Bee, you can’t be disappointed with this,” he announced aloud, bearing a tray with two steaming bowls and placed it on the coffee table.

“I guess I’m too hungry right now to complain and in absolutely no mood to cook,” she agreed, laughing.

“Ahh! I forgot something. Wait a minute!”

Running swiftly back into the kitchen, he returned within moments, grinning broadly holding something between his fingers. “Here we are! Top Ramen noodles with hot green peppers on the side. To our friendship!” He winked, raising his glass of water.

She raised hers slowly in response. “To our friendship.”