Feelings

A glance at the dashboard told Shaan that he was on time; it was twenty to seven. They had decided by mutual agreement to be at home by 7:00 p.m. give or take thirty minutes. Indeed he had relaid the ground rules.

He smiled, remembering how she had reacted.

“Humphrey Bogart doesn’t match up to Ingrid Bergman, does he? He lacks the charm and looks way too unromantic while she is so ethereal and beautiful. Cary Grant would have suited her much better.”

She was watching the wartime romance classic Casablanca with keen interest, and he was watching her watch it.

“It was his first romantic role, but you see the movie went on to win three Oscars, so there were quite a few people then who didn’t agree with you.”

“I don’t care, I still prefer Cary Grant,” Ruhi asserted raising her head, smiling when he looked away. She’d been aware of his perusal all along. “So Grey happens to be a romance movie buff. How neat.”

“Not only romance, all kinds of movies,” he muttered, flustered at being caught in the act. She was not as innocent as she had been when he first met her, and it had started to play on his nerves.

Electing to put her on the defensive, he said, “So, my good friend, if you want me to let you continue on in your misguided adventures after yesterday’s fiasco, you have to follow a few new guidelines.”

Her eyes opened wide. “What the—”

He raised his hand. “It is not ladylike to swear. I am your landlord, therefore, I do have a say in this matter.”

“Didn’t I tell you in the beginning we’ll do what we want, no questions asked?” What does he think of himself?

That his announcement had upset her applecart was obvious, yet it didn’t bother him. Rather he was enjoying the standoff. “Hear me out and then decide.” He waited for her to calm down. “First, in order to remain out of trouble, you have to limit your jaunts to certain areas of the city, which I will chalk out for you.”

“But that’s ridiculous! I—”

“I don’t think Daddyji will be very pleased to know you take routine rides in cop cars. You may even get booked next time.”

He could see her mind racing, but she held her tongue.

“And I would like to set up a curfew of 7:00 p.m. for the both of us.”

“What for?”

“So you’ll have enough time to cook dinner and pay your part of the dues!” He knew by now he’d have to talk her language to get her to toe the line.

She smiled. “Thanks for the reminder. I think it’s doable.” He was treated to an awesome repast that night.

***

But today is a little different, he thought as he parked in the garage hoping to find her in a receptive mood.

She was.

“Oh, Grey! I beat you by half an hour. Do I get a discount?” She looked like a schoolgirl waiting in line for free Christmas candy.

“Whatever for?”

“The rent?”

He dearly wished he hadn’t mentioned it.

Without waiting for his reply, she continued, “I also walked to the grocery store today. It isn’t far, and I managed to get everything we need for a couple of days. I paid with your card. Isn’t that great? From now on, you don’t have to accompany me anymore.”

He stared at her, suddenly hit by an overwhelming realization.

“Well, at least I can save you the trouble for some more time.” Their eyes moved to the calendar in unison; three more weeks to be exact.

Damn it, Shaan! She’s going to leave, and you have no way of stopping her.

I wish I had married Grey; he has feelings.

Abruptly, she broke the silence. “Let me get some dinner. Are you in the mood for Bee’s special Chinese?”

“Uh…actually, Sujoy and Debo have invited us over tonight. Do you want me to make an excuse?”

Looking confused for a moment, she said, “No, I think we should go.”

“But they don’t know anything about us, and…”

“They didn’t know anything to begin with. The only difference now is that I’ve come to terms with my take on the matter, that’s all.” She was as calm as can be.

“I don’t want you to pretend, at the same time, I don’t want to involve them in our complications.”

“I understand, Shaan.” She didn’t remember to call him Grey. “You’ll be the one left holding the ball and perhaps answering some awkward questions after I’m gone, but it’ll pass. They are nice people, and they like you for who you are. We don’t have to tell them the truth and hurt their sensibilities.”

He continued to be in doubt.

“We shall go. I’m in the mood for some Bangla food!”

He was then dispatched to get something for little Anu— “We should never visit someone empty-handed” —while she got dressed.

When he returned a half an hour later, he found her ready.

Wrapped in a blue silk sari with modern geometric print, her luxurious hair brushed to a shine, cascading over her shoulders, she looked stunningly elegant.

“I thought I’d better put to use some of the wedding saris, Debo may like it,” she explained with a shy smile.

“I do, too,” he blurted without thinking. “Shall we go?”

He noticed her neck was bare except for a simple gold chain, and so was her forehead. She drew the pallu over her right shoulder; he didn’t say a word.

***

“Sooswagatam! Welcome little sister and brother-in-law. You are late.” Sujoy greeted them at the door.

“Sorry, I got delayed at work. Ruhi was ready and waiting.” Shaan was clearly embarrassed at this formality, but his wife was surprisingly taking it well.

“Dhonyobod, dadamoni!” (Thank you, big brother.)

“Welcome, Ruhi, Shaan!” Debo hurried into the living room from the kitchen.

As Ruhi hugged her, she enquired after Debo’s health.

“I get tired easily. Wish Ma was here.” She did look run-down.

“She will soon be here. What do you say, dadamoni?”

“I’m not so sure about it. Debo’s younger sister back home is pregnant too.” Sujoy seemed at a loss.

“Everything will be fine, bhabhi.” Shaan offered a reassuring smile.

“Yes, I know it will because Ruhi is here with me now. She will take care of me, won’t you?” Debo looked at her expectantly.

“Yes, di, I will.” Ruhi felt miserable uttering these blatant lies, but she couldn’t afford to reveal the truth either.

Debo seated her on the divan and subjected her to a thorough once-over. “You have changed! Hasn’t she, Sujoy? Shaan, what have you done to her in just two weeks?”

He looked confused.

“She’s looking awesome, confident. More calm and relaxed, happier. I expect you are taking good care of her. Is he, my dear?”

Ruhi dipped her head in shy acquiescence.

“God bless you both. You make such a great couple. Has he taken you anywhere, bon?”

“No, not really, work…,” Shaan said, overcome with guilt.

“Hey, that’s no excuse,” Sujoy said disapprovingly. “You have to make time. She deserves it. I will cover for you if you wish.”

“But, Sooj.”

“He will, dadamoni. Only yesterday we were making plans to visit Hollywood this weekend,” Bee said, glancing sideways at Grey who smiled gratefully.

Sujoy pulled Shaan aside into a room, offering work as excuse. Debo lamented aloud on the vagaries of men. Ruhi merely smiled.

Then she heard a baby cry.

“Oh, di, I forgot to ask, where is Anu?”

“Anu has been cranky ever since we returned from the doctor’s office today after her shots. I had just put her to sleep half an hour ago. Looks like she is up again.” Debo sighed.

“Don’t you worry, di, I’ll take care of her. You relax or do what you need to.”

Ruhi hurried into the nursery to see little Anu standing and sobbing piteously in her crib. Picking her up, she rested her tiny body on her bosom and rocked her gently till she fell asleep. Later she found Debo in the kitchen, bustling around humming a merry tune, the comfort of routine activity appearing to have temporarily banished the cobwebs of worry. She offered to help. “Thanks, dear, everything’s ready, even Shaan’s favorite dish or he’ll threaten not to visit again.”

Ruhi saw Debo examining her curiously and realized the sari had slipped off her shoulder.

“What is it, dear? Where is your mangalsutra and sindoor? I noticed earlier but didn’t bring it up.”

“Umm…the chain broke. I have given it for fixing.”

“Then what about the sindoor?”

“I… The whole thing fell on the carpet yesterday and made a mess. I have to go get some more.”

“Ruhi look at me.” Debo gently propped her face up by the chin. “You consider me like your elder sister, right?”

She answered with an apprehensive nod.

“Then there are certain things essential for a married Indian woman. It doesn’t matter what your husband says; you should not take them lightly. You should never go without your sindoor because it is an auspicious symbol of your marriage, and also a sign that indicates your love will prosper. Therefore, even if you don’t have your wedding necklace, you should at least wear your sindoor.”

“Yes, di, I will try to get some as soon as possible.”

“Soon? Why not now?”

Ruhi felt trapped as Debo dragged her to a tiny shrine and picked up a small silver receptacle full of the vermillion powder.

“I can put it on, di, give it to me.”

“No, I have a better idea. Shaan!” Debo called out.

Ruhi was upset; her body began to tremble.

“What is it, bhabhi? Time for food?” Shaan appeared, smiling along with Sujoy.

“Shaan, I didn’t expect this from you. I know you love your wife dearly, but letting her go about bareheaded. It is not right.”

“Let them be, Debo, they are a modern couple. It’s their life. You don’t have to interfere.” Sujoy chimed in acutely embarrassed; his wife was quite the traditionalist.

“You keep out of it, Sujoy, I know my sister. She will listen to me.”

She handed Shaan the receptacle and urged him, “Take this and put it back where it belongs with God as your witness and don’t ever let her go unadorned again.”

Then as he hesitated, she asked, frowning, ”Is there something wrong between you two?”

“No, of course not.” He looked at Ruhi who had grown completely silent.

“Go ahead, Shaan,” Bee said softly, giving him permission.

He pinched a small amount of the red powder and placed it firmly in the parting on her forehead. Not entirely certain why, but this makeshift ceremony appeared more meaningful to him than the one on his wedding day.

“Perfect! Now my mishti bon looks like a bride, a very beautiful bride.”

The rest of the evening went by as a blur for Ruhi. She had managed to reconcile with her upcoming status, but the wound had opened again. Marriage, love, hatred, Shaan, Ruhi—friendship, affection, Grey, Bee…feelings.

Shaan could see her lost in thought looking very beautiful yet unhappy with the red streak in the center of her forehead, and it affected him, the emotion deep enough to throw him in turmoil, and he couldn’t wish it away.

During dinner Ruhi couldn’t eat much, but agreed the food was excellent. All of a sudden, she sprang up to embrace Debo. “I’ll miss you a lot.”

“Miss me? Are you going somewhere, Shaan?”

“Uh, no. Bee… Ruhi means to say she wants to see you every day.”

“Of course you can, my dear. Drop by any day. I will love the company, and Anu adores you already.”

“Yes, di, I will.”

***

Back at the apartment.

Shaan said, “I’m sorry. What happened was something I was afraid of.” Ruhi appeared not to hear; instead, she walked into the hallway bathroom and stared at the red dot on her forehead. She raised her hand then wavered…

Why can’t I erase it as easily as before? Am I changing? Do I feel different? Is Bee a camouflage for Ruhi—a protective layer?

No, it has to be done; I can’t afford to gamble with my emotions, she resolved, lifting her hand again. But when he looked at me today, there was something in his eyes I haven’t seen before. She wanted to cry out loud.

Shaan stepped in; he had been watching silently for several minutes.

Meeting her gaze in the large mirror, he turned her around. “Close your eyes.”

A gentle puff of air swept over her forehead and erased the symbol. She felt her shoulders lighten, yet at the same time also a strange melancholy.

“Ruhi…Bee?” She looked up.

“I will never force you to do anything against your wishes, never. You can trust me,” He stated the words with a brief smile before turning abruptly and walking out, leaving her alone.

He didn’t see the lone tear roll down her cheek.

Ruhi, Shaan, marriage, love.

Bee, Grey, friendship, or mere affection?