Longings

“I need to go back to LA. Can you get me on the next flight?” Ruhi inquired of the frazzled booking agent at the London Heathrow airport. She had been waiting in line for three long miserable hours after spending nearly twelve in the most harrowing and misguided trip she had ever taken.

Not a single morsel of food had found its way down her throat; she had no appetite and her eyes had run dry awhile ago. Her feet dragged, shoulders drooped, and the long sling of her purse lay trapped within the wheels of her cabin bag, her only piece of luggage.

She was a ghost of her former self; what had kept her going was the singular undying need to return home, rush into his arms, beg for his forgiveness, and plead with him to accept her as his wife again. He must have dismissed me by now, his habitual runaway bride.

That’s it! She desired no more explanations, no more proofs of integrity. This separation had brought her entire life into focus, made it all crystal clear that without Shaan there could be no Ruhi.

“Madam, haven’t you heard? All transatlantic flights have been cancelled indefinitely. You can only travel east, not west.” The agent gesticulated with her arm for added emphasis.

“But I just came that way! Money is not an issue!” Sorry, Shaan! She extracted a credit card from her wallet and waved it in front of the agent’s face.

The woman sighed in exasperation. These passengers were all the same, uniformly seized by some kind of herd mentality. All considered the overhead announcements a rumor until the bad news was confirmed by the agents themselves.

“Miss, that unpronounceable volcano in Iceland has started acting up again. Its belching ash! And none of the airlines are willing to risk flying blind this time. They have learned their lesson. If you complete the remainder of your trip, you might hold a better chance of making it across the Pacific though that segment is rapidly filling up as well!”

Ruhi stared in horror at the ticketing agent as though she’d just announced that Ruhi was next in line for the hangman’s noose. I am going to die without seeing my husband. God has chosen to punish me for my pranks in the worst possible way. This is the end!

“Miss, are you all right? I need some help here!” the agent exclaimed when she saw the young woman in front of her slide unconscious to the floor.

***

It’s over. She’s gone. My only chance for happiness has slipped out of my grasp.

Shaan contemplated in utter dejection as he aimlessly kicked at some pebbles scattered on the wandering path in Orange Grove Park. He missed, stubbing his toes instead, but it didn’t cause him any pain.

He felt numb, worn out. She had taken the spark away, leaving behind an empty shell.

He collapsed on a bench, tears coursing down his cheeks again. I guess I wasn’t worthy of her, he attempted to rationalize. All my efforts at atonement have been laid to waste.

The dark overcast sky appeared to reverberate his feelings scrupulously.

Why? Was the nature of my crime so horrendous, so despicable, that there was no possibility for redemption? Then why, God? Why did you bring her into my life? Why did you give me a glimpse of everlasting happiness? Why did you make me feel there is someone out there just for me who I could love and cherish forever? Why?

He lay down unable to support the weight of his muddled brain any longer and flinched as the bright light from the solitary street lamp hit him squarely in the eye, blinding him for one long instant. Then with his pupils contracted into a tiny aperture, he made out several buzzing insects hovering inside the halo, creating a mad ruckus as they zipped onto the shrouded lamp over and over again, blissfully unaware they couldn’t get any closer to the flame.

Am I in the same boat like these miserable creatures? Swimming in a sea of delusion, her innocence and purity out of reach for a tainted and tarnished soul like me?

“Yes it is! I don’t deserve her!” It was a death knell—the very last thing a wretched spirit would like to hear.

The wind, pregnant with approaching moisture, picked up and stirred the dead leaves on the ground. But he was done caring; he couldn’t muster the courage to face life without her, let alone the walls of a barren apartment whose every inch bore her indelible stamp. Defeated and dissipated, he fell into a restless sleep.

But life goes on and so does the perpetual journey of our sun across the skies. Another day was announced, and tiny drops of precipitation made their way down to earth.

Shaan awoke with a start and bore witness to a dazzling display of fiery color that stretched as far as the eye could see. It could mean only one thing—hope.

And he was a positive man.

I cannot deny that Ruhi was softening. She was without a doubt drifting my way. We were almost there, just another baby step. That couldn’t have been a delusion. Damn it! It was true!

He stood up as a life-giving warmth suddenly coursed through his veins. She would never deceive though she has tried to conceal, yet her soul is transparent like the clear still waters of an alpine lake. My heart, my gut instinct tells me that she didn’t want to but was coerced to leave, and I have to find why.

A fist smacked hard into an open palm, determination replaced dejection. He headed back home.

Her empty suitcase reaffirmed his suspicions that she had left in a hurry, hastily stuffing a few random clothes into an overnight bag. Her small family frame still stood on the nightstand and the indispensable Hanuman Chalisa lay abandoned under her pillow.

This was definitely not like the sharp and adept girl he had come to know and adore. Shaan ruminated as he wandered into his study. It all stank of something terribly more sinister.

His eyes fell on the telescope they’d shared the night before when he had boldly dared to savor her skin, and she had let him. He bemoaned his loss, still able to sense her lingering fragrance in the room, as though she had been there not too long ago.

A frenzy of excitement beseiged him, like that one encounters when on the brink of momentous discovery. His eyes fell on the neat stack of papers on the table, that wasn’t like him; she had been here.

But the neat symmetry was spoiled by the sheets of paper he found scattered on the floor. It was his initial letter of contract, and from what he recalled, he had filed it away with the rest of his paperwork—just routine official mumbo jumbo. It contained nothing of vital importance.

Then why had Ruhi?

A pulse throbbed furiously in his temple as he rapidly scanned the one-and-a-half sheet of print. The clause that negated the contract jumped into sharp focus.

“Oh Lord no!” he exclaimed. “My poor darling. She thinks I tricked her into staying back when nothing could have been further from my mind! This is just pure official crap!”

But why now? He perused the papers again but failed to find the answer within. She couldn’t have spontaneously gone looking for it unless someone with the vilest of intentions had made her to.

He grimaced. Oh no, please not again!

His eyes scanned through the caller IDs on the phone. There had been several calls earlier yesterday from an unknown private number. He nailed his culprit.

***

“Shaan! Hey, where you going? You look like a fright!” Sujoy hollered when he saw his friend dash into the offices in a bedraggled state, which was completely out of character. He was still in yesterday’s clothes, dark stubble casting a shadow over the sharp line of his jaw, his usual neatly groomed hair rumpled; and by some amazing stroke of luck, he hadn’t tripped over his untied shoelaces.

But he didn’t stop to say hello instead shot through, sprinting past his own desk into the neighboring department, leaving Sujoy looking after him with a puzzled frown.

It was still fairly early; employees had just started to trickle in. Halting beside Des’s station, Shaan ripped a sheet off her writing tablet and jotted something down quickly. Then pinning it to her showy leather pad with as much viciousness as he could muster, he left, continuing to ignore his friend who by now had become quite perturbed.

***

“Nice place you’ve chosen, Shaan. Nobody would know we are here.”

“That was the desired purpose, Des.” Shaan sauntered out from behind a free-standing pillar shaft, sporting an enigmatic smile on his face.

They were inside the new annex, which was under construction, hence out of bounds. It was supposed to be a flashy showcase for the company’s newest tour de force—the Venus project.

Though the contract hadn’t been awarded as yet, rumor mills had begun to churn in their favor, and everybody was pretty certain that it was just a matter of time.

The distant sound of an underground drill in action echoed through the woodwork as Des gazed at him in wondrous awe.

“I knew it, Shaan! You were pretending all along, putting on an act for the benefit of your poor foolish, unsuspecting wife,” she gloated, a wicked gleam in her eyes. “She’s gone, isn’t she?”

“So it was you,” he stated grimly, ignoring her query.

“Of course it was I. Who else could have had such a brainwave?” she declared with a pompous toss of her head. “Official language can sometimes sound macabre to the uninitiated, and your sweet wife is as raw as they come. She fell readily into the trap though she did give a tough fight. I must grant her that.”

“She did?”

“Yes. When I told her that you were using her as a tool to achieve your ambition, she refused to believe me. In fact, denied it outright! She said she had faith in your affections and that she loved you in return. For a moment, I even felt sorry for her.” Des shrugged her shoulders. “I must say that wide-eyed beauty of yours is quite wet behind the ears.”

“So you availed benefit of her inexperience.”

“Uh-huh, and she lapped it all up! She was heartbroken…poor soul. I think I even heard her cry. But it did the trick, and she has left for good, Shaan. You don’t have to feel obligated to her anymore. You are free. We are free!” she exclaimed triumphantly.

He slowly moved out of the shadows, revealing his expression, which was cold and ruthless. “To tell you the truth, my dear, I’m not free nor do I ever intend to be. Rather, I find myself entangled even more. The bond between my wife and me is eternal, and as I’ve declared earlier in no uncertain terms, I won’t spare anyone who tries to break us up. So prepare to meet your maker.” Blind fury took over his senses as his hands closed around her neck, squeezing her windpipe. He regarded her brutally with no remorse when she first gawked at him with incredulity then with fear as his intentions became clear.

She struggled but he didn’t loosen his hold, grinning sardonically as her face drained of color, her lips attained a bluish tinge, and her eyes started to bulge with terror.

But just before her body grew slack, he let go. Des coughed violently, clutching at her throat while shrinking away at the same time with intense dread.

Shaan exploded into a short mirthless laugh. “So you thought my threats were empty. That I couldn’t harm you? Think again and let those marks on your neck serve as a reminder for next time.” He shook his head. “No, there won’t be a next time because I’ll tell Rich everything. I don’t care if it costs me my job, but you’ll lose it all!” He raised a threatening finger before turning on his heels and walking away.

***

“Shaan! What’s going on? Please tell me.”

As soon as he stepped out of the building, he was confronted by his friend Sujoy, who looked extremely anxious.

“Leave me alone! Let me go!” Shaan shouted back as he dashed toward the car park.

“Let you go? I can’t do that, Shaan! What was that I just saw? You followed by Des into that annex, then you came out looking like a madman! Something is up!”

Shaan’s keys slipped from his grasp as he tried to unlock his car door. He dropped to the ground and groped around for them, but anger and frustration had clouded his vision. Giving up, he collapsed on his knees on the tarmac.

“I will drive.”

Shaan, feeling too tired to protest, flopped down in the passenger seat and stared blankly out of the window as his friend took him home.

“Where is Ruhi?” He was asked as soon as they were within closed doors.

Shaan collapsed on the settee bummed out. “Gone,” he uttered simply. “Gone, Sooj.”

“Gone? What are you trying to say?”

“You heard me right! Gone and I pushed her away! Me and my…my inexcusable mistakes!” His fist came crashing on the glass top of the coffee table, making Sujoy jump.

“What the heck is all this? What mistakes? Is it something between you and Rich’s wife? If so, I won’t hesitate to kill you right now!”

“Kill me, Sooj, ‘cause anyway I don’t think I’ll survive another day without Ruhi. Look at me, do I look normal to you?” Shaan said, focusing his bloodshot eyes on Sujoy.

“Don’t shirk from my question. Are you having an affair?”

“I…was.” Shaan saw his friend’s shocked face. “Surprised? Yes, it is my darkest secret.” He let out a long drawn sigh. “But it was all done with as soon as I got married…and I fell for my wife like a ton of bricks. But the shadow of my past continues to haunt us and yesterday she left. She couldn’t take it anymore.”

“So you are the reason for the sorrow in Ruhi’s eyes? How dare you do this to her!”

Shaan’s head drooped with guilt. “I was an unfeeling bastard. I took advantage of the situation and of her…I was a coward, Sooj! But what could I do? I fell in love and couldn’t let her go. Then our relationship took a positive turn, and just when I thought we had resolved our differences, that woman…”

Sooj saw Shaan was genuinely repentant and that he was seriously hurting. “What will you do now? How will you persuade her to see your way?”

Shaan had been grappling with the same dilemma. “I’ll have to go to her myself.”

“But, Shaan! How can you? Your job—”

“Do you think I could do a decent day’s work in this state, Sooj?” His friend questioned him in anguish. “I can’t sleep, I can’t eat, I can’t think of anything but her, and I definitely can’t let her go without trying.”

“But…” Sujoy didn’t complete the sentence; he could see the spark in his friend’s eyes. “Tell me if I can be of any help.”

Shaan smiled. “Can you drop me off at the airport?”

***

At the Sharma Villa, located near Sukhna Lake in a well to do northern suburb of Chandigarh, India.

Ruhi rushed to hug her father, noting some abatement in her anxieties when she found him none the worse for wear.

“Beti dhyaan se!” (Careful, daughter!) “You remembered me after so long? Does our son-in-law keep you that occupied?” Amrit Sharma teased, embracing his daughter right back. He had missed seeing her bright and beautiful face. Yet he was happy she had made a good match.

“Oh you too, Papaji! Aap kabhi nahin sudharenge!” (You will never change for the better!) Ruhi laughed through her tears.

But Devyani wasn’t convinced.

Shocked at the distraught state she had found her daughter in when she met her at the arrival gate in the airport, she concluded all was not well with the newlyweds, but her attempts to probe further into their predicament were stonewalled.

“Damaadji, did he not accompany you?”

“He is busy,” Ruhi had replied briefly, eyes fixed on her gayly embroidered Jaipuri shoes.

“Our darling beti didn’t even bother to bid good-bye before departing,” her mother chimed in. “The poor boy called me fraught with worry.”

Amrit turned to look sharply at Ruhi; her impulsive streak was still going strong. “What is this I’m hearing? You left without taking his permission? This wasn’t an emergency and even if it was—”

“I’m sorry. I know I was wrong!” she retorted before racing up the stairs to her room, leaving her parents staring after her, their faces replete with concern.

She fell headlong on the lavender-scented sheets of her bed and broke down, copious tears soaking into her favorite pillow. Later when the floods receded, she took some moments to contemplate her surroundings, letting her gaze sweep over the brightly lit space she had called her own ever since a wee child. Her mother had impeccably maintained the room even after her daughter had gotten married and left.

The walls wearing a fresh coat of paint chronicled her growth over the past twenty-two years, the classic yet sturdy furniture bore telltale signs of love and abuse she had heaped on them during her good and bad days and the fine lacy curtains on the windows and around the bed frame her mother had painstakingly embroidered and presented to her on her twenty-first birthday, “For the most precious gift of my life.”

Her fingers reached to caress the satiny petals of a mauve rose.

“How can I be so uncaring,” she exclaimed suddenly, sitting upright. “How can I inflict pain on those who have offered me nothing but love? And Shaan…” She hugged her precious old teddy Chocolate to her bosom. “What impression would he have of me? Ruhi Sharma, the girl who flees at the first inkling of trouble, a weakling, immature and irresponsible.”

She laughed aloud. “I should be awarded the turncoat price!

No deserter better than me!” Then she quickly sobered up. “But what if he chooses to give up on me? He has probably reached the limit of his endurance.”

“No, I can’t let that happen! I cannot imagine a life without him…worse if he gets married to someone else!” She cringed at the vision of him going around the sacred flames with another girl in tow.

“I need to go back! This is my last impulse. God, please forgive me!” she implored to the heavens before running back downstairs.

***

Shaan gently patted the prayer book safely ensconced in his shirt pocket and smiled. It felt good to hold a piece of her close to his heart.

He was perched in the business class of Singapore Airlines Airbus, one he had procured at great cost as all other seats and flights were flying full because that damn Eyjafjallajökull has decided to wake up from the dead once again and give the whole world a solid shake!

But no bloody volcano can keep me away from my Ruhi! He removed her picture from his wallet and tenderly kissed her face. “Girl, you haven’t seen the last of me yet.”