~Carter~
Groggy, I got out of bed to the sound of someone knocking on my door. That particular knock was a familiar sound by now. Opening the door, I found Jude standing there, looking like hell.
"What the fuck are you doing here? Did you drive here? Why aren't you in bed?"
Jude looked startled by the barrage of questions. "I promised I'd stay away, but I had to see for myself that you're still here. Sorry."
"I don't need you making stupid promises to me," I told him, but at least he was well enough to drag himself here. "How did you get here?"
"Took a cab. And your father's car is still here. I need to get it back." He pointed back toward the parking lot then stared at the spot where I had found him all beaten up.
I looked around and didn't see anyone. Judging by the position of the sun, it was past noon. I was starving but my first priority was to get Jude off his feet. I led him inside and made him sit on my bed, propped up against the flimsy motel pillows.
"What if that guy comes after you again? He attacked you right outside," I reminded him.
"I guess I'll just have to be careful," Jude said vaguely. He looked tired. Getting himself over here must have taken it out of him.
"Coming here in your condition is being careful? Why didn't you just call?" I demanded.
"I did."
I picked up my phone. I had a bunch of messages. "Fuck. I muted it while you were sleeping."
"That was nice of you," Jude said and smiled at me crookedly. One side of his face had to be hurting him.
"You need ice for your face," I told him. "I'll get some."
When I came back with the ice, I improvised an ice pack with a towel just like I did yesterday. I placed it against the side of his face carefully, and Jude raised his hand to hold it there. As it covered mine for a second, his hand was shaking and his eyes were far away, haunted.
Partly turned away from me, he seemed to be looking back at his old self, trapped in some dingy apartment, still a punching bag. I grabbed his shoulders to pull him back, to show him he was here. I did it too suddenly and I startled him.
I had to do it though. He stared into the past so blindly, hopelessly, in a way I found painfully familiar. At the worst times, my mother's eyes would fill with that same hopelessness. Jude had no right to look that way too. If I lost another person... No. Jude wasn't mine to lose. What was I thinking?
I shook my head and tried to focus on just getting him back to himself. "Do you think you could eat something?" I asked him.
He only frowned.
"Maybe you should sleep then," I decided and helped him to lie down.
"I just need to know you're here," he mumbled with the ice pack still on his face.
"Text your mom," I reminded him.
He unlocked his phone and handed it to me. "You do it, and put her number in your phone too."
I did as he said while glaring at him. I couldn't believe he dragged himself here. Before he would go to asleep, Jude insisted that I go get myself something to eat. Coming back from a quick trip to the diner across the street, I found Jude asleep. I set aside the soup I had gotten him just in case he got hungry.
When Jude woke up that evening, he refused the soup and insisted we go out to eat.
"The only place I'm taking you is home," I told him while he sat at the foot of my bed.
"If I'm going back to the house, I can drive the car back," he said and started to get up. He wobbled and I caught him.
"Nice going. Sit back down. Or better, lie down," I guided him back to my bed and he stretched out again.
"I don't mind," he said and smiled up at me, his smile still crooked. "I'm not that bad, you know. I just lost my balance. Maybe I should have that soup though."
I didn't want him to have to eat it cold so I went to the motel office and had the guy at the front desk warm it up in the microwave they had there. He wasn't eager to do me any favors, but I wasn't taking no for an answer. Honestly though, I didn't understand this compulsion to take care of Jude. I just couldn't seem to help myself.
Jude and I spent the evening sitting on my bed, watching the crappy TV. Jude did a lot of texting, still looking for information on his friend, Dave, and also reassuring his mom and Tara that he was Ok.
He should have been at the house where his mom could fuss over him. I wondered if he was avoiding her, and maybe my father as well, because he didn't want to have to answer questions about who attacked him.
Before I knew it, Jude had fallen asleep next to me. I should have gotten up and let him have the bed, but I didn't want to disturb him. Maybe I'd do it a little later. For now I just settled next to him, unable to relax as I listened to him breathing and felt his warmth along the length of my body.
The tension must have let go of me enough to let me sleep because a pained cry woke me. I reached for Jude where he tossed restlessly next to me. In the throes of another nightmare, he struggled against me. Unlike last time, he didn't wake up so easily. And when he did, he pushed me back roughly and turned away. This nightmare must have been different.
"What is it?" I asked him and took hold of his hand to let him know I was there. His hand felt cold and he tried to pull it away. I didn't let him. "Why can't I reach you?"
"Because you're not really here," he said. "You're leaving."
"Sorry," I said. I didn't contradict him, but I still held on to his hand. "I'm here now."
Jude turned to me with a sad look and my name on his lips. Still holding his hand, I was looking into his eyes, and now I couldn't let go to save my life. As long as I was here, I wanted him here with me.
I touched his face like I could erase the bruises there. "I don't know what that nightmare was about, but everything that's happening with him is over. He can't ever have you again," I told Jude in a harsh whisper like a secret only between us, a vow or a desperate wish, I didn't even know.
First it was his luminous blue eyes. Then for too long, I couldn't take my eyes off his lips. I felt like a stranger lurked inside me and eyed Jude, wondering what it would be like. How would he feel naked and wrapped around me? How would he feel inside?
I already knew what he tasted like, but I was dying to taste him again. I inched closer, waiting for him to push me away again. Instead, his face tilted up, his lips parted at the first touch of mine. I wanted to be gentle, but Jude kept pushing up into me, taking more.
It was a more insistent kiss than I expected, too deep and dizzying, like a fever I would never recover from. It was a kiss that reminded me that Jude could be wild and insatiable, a kiss that told me to be afraid of what I set in motion.
More than anything, I didn't want to hurt him, but I was prodded to act, to touch, to strip Jude out of his clothes and dive into him. I didn't though, no matter how much I needed his skin under mine. I pulled back from him.
By being pretty, and hurt and achingly vulnerable, he set off something dark to ripple inside me, some pool of anger and need—to fuck, to protect. I didn't know which, but it scared the fucking hell out of me. Jude was too ready to throw himself away for just about anyone—his missing friend, my father, his mother.
Why was I nitpicking at his faults? He was a guy. That was enough reason for me not to want him. But not this time. I just couldn't talk myself out of wanting Jude.
He was watching me, holding on to my hand while I kept my body out of his reach. He breathed my name and his eyes melted into mine. Tragically hopeful, ready to tip over into blank despair at the first hint of a no, he made me afraid to blink. With that look on his face, I couldn't tell him to fuck off. All I could do was close the distance between us, reach for him, give him anything.
Jude wanted the same thing. His fingers trembled on the buttons of my fly even if his breathing sounded shaky and his eyes questioned me, asking for permission but not waiting. His fingers were already sliding between my jeans and my boxers, squeezing me as he moaned. Being wanted by him was pure seduction.
I pushed his hand away and started peeling off his clothes. Carried away by his need, Jude showed no signs of pain, but I was careful anyway. The sight of his bruises was a constant reminder to take it easy on him.
Jude squirmed as I pulled his jeans down his legs. I couldn't hold him still. He was tugging at my clothes until I had no choice but to strip out of them. When we were both down to our boxers, Jude pulled me down to lie on top of him.
"I don't want to hurt you," I told him and raised myself up on my arms to hover above him. When he tried to pull me down again, I didn't let him.
"You bastard," he said then moaned as I kissed his neck.
I moved down and he arched his back. Gently, I pressed him back down. My mouth went to Jude's nipple and I sucked as he whimpered. His fingers tangled in my hair then tugged me to his other nipple.
I licked my way there and Jude cursed bucking his hips into me, jabbing me with his cock. I felt his hand shift from my hair down the back of my neck. Pushing his hands down my back, he started to slide my boxers off my ass. I moaned into his chest and grazed him with my teeth.
Jude shivered and begged, "Oh, Carter, please."
I took his tender nipple between my teeth, and he moaned deeply. Loving the sound, I sucked and nibbled then moved down. At the same time, I pulled Jude's boxers off his hips. I kissed and licked a path to his navel. Reaching a bruise, I eased off.
Jude didn't let me slow down. Flushed, dying for it, he clawed at my arms. "Fuck me," he said.
"Bad idea," I growled, but God, I wanted to.
"I live by bad ideas. Please, Carter." He moaned the words desperately and I couldn't stop myself.
My blood pounding, my cock at attention, hard as steel, I was taken over by a need to please him, to sink into him to his core, to fuck him and never to let up until I had him screaming his lungs out.
I got up and Jude panicked. Did he think I wouldn't? I yanked his boxers off his legs. "You better be damn sure," I told him and he nodded, both nervous and aroused.
I pulled my own boxers off and kicked them away. Kneeling by my bag, I rummaged inside. I got a condom and lube. Standing over the bed with them in my hand, I thought Jude might get the wrong idea.
"The lube is just for jerking off," I told him.
"It's for me now," he said and I wanted to laugh.
As I kneeled over him, he grabbed the condom from my hand and rolled it on my rock hard, aching cock. Even that was incredibly erotic when he did it. What was he doing to me?
Jude grabbed the lube from me too. Taking my hand, he poured some on two of my fingers. Then he leaned back and raised his legs in the air.
He started gasping before I even touched him. Leaving himself exposed to me like that, he was scared and I was losing my mind. To ease into it, I stroked around his hole. Then I pushed in only as far as he let me.
It felt good, but I couldn't finger him forever. After pumping in and out of him a few times, it was easier now. I could go deeper, and Jude was urging me to get on with it.
I didn't know if either one of us was ready, but I positioned myself over him, my cock at his hole. One push inside him and Jude was panting and cursing, his eyelids fluttering. God he was beautiful, so tight around my cock. I had to be inside him to the root.
Another push and Jude let out a grunt and gritted his teeth. He didn't let me stop though. His heels dug into my ass and his trembling thighs pressed my sides. I went deeper and Jude moaned loud and long.
So deep now, I was overwhelmed by a feeling of tightness and intense heat, but also a sense of danger, a fear of being consumed. I needed him. I needed this feeling even if it swallowed me whole.
Jude had thrown his head back, but I needed to see him. I kissed his throat while his body throbbed around my cock. Now he raised his face to me and I captured his mouth. At the last second, I remembered to mind his cut lip and kissed him gently, sweeping his mouth with my tongue.
Looking down at him, I started pumping and watched his eyes fill with dark, sweet ecstasy. It was pleasure bought by my weakness, and I wanted to own it, own him. I didn't care how or why, I had to draw more sounds from deep inside him.
For a long time I took him alternately fast and slow, but then my thrusts turned wild, pounding closer to the finish. Jude was scratching my back, cursing at the top of his lungs then shuddering uncontrollably and spilling over my chest. The bed shook under us as we rocked together, moaned in unison, coming and kissing, drowning in pure bliss.
Too hot, sticky with sweat, I only managed to get rid of the condom and clean us up before Jude grabbed hold of me and refused to let go. I let myself fall next to him.
I couldn't escape the tangle of our limbs or his fingers gliding along the notches of my spine, playing them like they were frets on a guitar. Now that I had worked him over, I begged him to go to sleep.
"Just don't escape, please," he said.
"I won't leave without a goodbye," I promised him.
"Stingy," he accused me and then fell asleep.
His still body and closed eyes left me to wonder at what I had done. When I was with him, I forgot the meaning of right and wrong. There was only Jude.
I didn't get it. Even if I haven't had any for a while, sex shouldn't have that much power over me. And if it wasn't sex, what the hell was it that Jude did to me to make me forget who I was? It was like I never knew what pleasure was or what it was like to really be with someone. Jude was forcing me to learn those things even if I didn't want to.
Lying naked with Jude in a motel bed, I indulged my need for him. I let him make me too warm and trap my arm under him. Feeling his breath ghost over my chest, I couldn't look away, not even when I was dying to get some sleep.