Chapter Six: Are Aspies Selfish?

Q:		So, while we’re talking about being inconsiderate to others, something I’ve noticed is that people with Asperger’s have a tendency to be selfish and insensitive to their peers. Why is that?
A:		Wow. That’s a harsh question. If I wasn’t writing the questions myself, I might be offended by that!

But more seriously, I bring this issue up because I’ve realized over the years that this is one common way that people see us Aspies. When we bring the topic back to ourselves or our interests just that bit too often or fail to respond emphatically enough to other people’s issues, other people don’t just see a conversation deficit. They can also interpret it as us not caring or only being concerned about ourselves. To some, this translates to us being fundamentally selfish. Or even more than that, they may even assume a hint of sociopathy. Sociopathy! I know.

However, I would like to point out to the general public that how things look on the surface is not always representative of what’s going on underneath. And when it comes to Aspies, there is a huge difference between being self-focused and actually being selfish. Allow me to explain…

I would say that being self-focused, in an Aspie way, means that we are in our own little world and are sometimes so preoccupied by thoughts about ourselves or our own interests that we fail to fully notice those around us to the socially acceptable extent. Whereas I would define being selfish as being fully aware of others’ wants and needs, yet choosing to put yourself first anyway.

I may be self-focused—perhaps a little more often than I should be—but I am by no means selfish. In fact, I can be very compassionate and selfless, especially when it comes to the most important people in my life, such as my family and especially my children.

So why, in my life, have people assumed the worst? I guess the answer has to do with inattentiveness and the way that people interpret that. We Aspies do have a tendency to get caught up in our own thoughts. We daydream and think about the topics that interest and inspire us. We get frustrated when others interrupt our thoughts and plans. Perhaps we fail to pick up the signals from other people indicating that they might want or need something from us. Or we don’t realize the contributions that others are putting in and that we are expected to also contribute in a similar way.

Everyone is planning and decorating for a big event? Since when have I ever cared about decorations? Uh-oh… was I supposed to? Oh, was everyone helping out with the dishes? Oops. I didn’t notice. It’s too late now. How awkward. What do I do?

I know that when I’m on to something exciting, I might just be too “busy”—temporarily—to register much of what else is going on around me. After all, one of the key talents that comes with Asperger’s is the ability to fixate and focus on the things we love to the exclusion of all else. It’s part of what makes us brilliant.

One of my Aspie friends, Rob, recently told me that after his first divorce, his wife said to him, “You are the most selfish person I’ve ever met.” And what was his reaction? He was fascinated. More than that, he thought it was a breakthrough. He’d never had that feedback before or realized that people saw him that way. You see, that’s a big problem with the neurotypical world. Many people don’t ever tell you when you do something “wrong.” Instead, they treat you in cool and contemptuous ways for a while. So how are we supposed to know?

Interestingly, when you put a group of Aspies together—in my experience anyway—we don’t view each other as selfish at all. We communicate directly and tell each other what we want. There’s no gap between how we’re expected to behave and how we understand the expectations. It makes me pose the question, is the problem really caused by Aspies, or is it more an error in communication? Namely, a failure of neurotypical people to communicate to us in a manner we find satisfactory. We naturally communicate one way. Typical people communicate another. Maybe we’re just hitting a brick wall at the interface.

Regardless of the cause, we’re unfortunately the minority, and it’s a typical world that we live in, so we’re going to be communicated to in the same way as everybody else, especially if our differences are invisible to the people around us. The other people in our lives are unlikely to even realize that we’re absorbing information and viewing the world in a very different way than they are. So, sadly, they may judge us as regular people just being difficult, lazy, or selfish. But I hope this passage can at least create a little understanding when it comes to that.

So, circling back to my original question of why people with Asperger’s are so selfish, my simple answer is that we’re not. We’re just not as good at picking up on your subtle communications and knowing how to respond the way you expect us to. But please don’t interpret that to be anything more than it actually is.