Asperger's on the Inside

And now on to one of my more unusual trains of thought…

I was thinking the other day that as far back as I can remember, I’ve had this funny tendency to assess and categorize the people that I meet as either “safe” or “unsafe,” which I’m aware is perhaps not a fair thing to do. But it’s so intuitive, I’m not sure I could easily stop!

That might have you thinking, “Hang on. What do you mean by ‘unsafe’? That doesn’t sound like a nice thing to assume about somebody.” But of course, when I say someone feels unsafe, I don’t mean I think the person is bad in any way or a physical danger. I’m not talking about the good guys versus the bad guys or cops-and-robbers stereotypes.

It’s more just a subtle sense I get of, “Can I trust this person to be accepting and positive toward me? Do I need to stress about my words and censor myself for fear of being taken the wrong way, or can I just relax and assume this person will try to ‘get’ me and not judge the things I do and say without first understanding?” It’s a measure of kindness of spirit and how quickly I find myself comfortable around them.

And reading online recently, I noticed something rather surprising. It seems that a lot of Aspies out there are making comments about doing the same thing! I guess many of us can just feel in our gut who will be kind and who won’t.

It made me wonder, is it like an extra sense we develop due to our vulnerability to political and social aggression? An ability to sniff out those who are well meaning from those who are inclined to judge, compete, and belittle? Or is it merely something that everyone detects but typical people don’t seem to resist as much? Perhaps non-Autistics are more likely to put up with it because they value other qualities in individuals more highly, such as having someone to side with or popularity by association.

Either way, social politics have never moved me, so I’m more likely to choose the friends who give me that comfortable, at-ease, trusting vibe, and I’ll go out of my way to surround myself with only people like that.

This prickly attitude of mine, however, does create some problems when it comes to complete strangers. Strangers. Yes, evil, scary strangers whom I haven’t even really acknowledged yet or had time to “sniff out.” You know the type. They lurk in corridors waiting to chat to you, the unsuspecting victim. You find them at malls, shops, restaurants, driving in cars, and even out on the streets. They’re everywhere. Argh! Run for your Aspie life!

But no. In all honesty, I know I don’t give strangers a fair chance. I’m aware that I should make more attempts to acknowledge them and get to know them better, but I just find it so hard to be around those I’m not familiar with.

Their reactions aren’t easy for me to read and predict the way a friend’s would be. Similarly, they don’t know me well enough to interpret me easily, and I have to tread with more caution and turn that NT ^[28] simulator of mine way up! It drains energy, you know! So if I’m in anything but an energetic mood, I may ignore them a little more than is sociable. Sorry, stranger people. I don’t mean to be rude, but sometimes you’re just too tiring for me!

In the shops, when I’m most worn down, I’m—rather comically—known by my friends to be the one who’s most likely to complain about the passersby. “Honestly, who let all these people in? Don’t they know they’re in my way? The shops would be so much more pleasant if someone got rid of them all!” Of course, I say this tongue-in-cheek, knowing very well that they have just as much right to be there as I do.

Out at dinner, when people come up to me to chat and I’m just not in the mood, I smile politely, nod, chat back, and think, “Go away. I’m busy. Can’t you talk to someone else?” But look, see, I’m learning from typical people to hold my tongue. Once upon a time, I’d have said that out loud!

However, more realistically, I know that in order to even make friends, you have to sometimes give new people a chance, and if I’m talking to someone I’m likely to see in the future, I do try and kick myself in the butt and make the effort. After all, it would be impossible to function in the world or have any friends if I never got my act together that way. And sometimes—just sometimes—I’m even lucky enough to get to know someone I like, which is always a pleasant surprise and certainly not what I expect at the onset! Who knew? Some of those evil, scary, unwelcome strangers actually turn out to be great people!

I know it’s a shock, but nice people are out there. There may even be lots of them!