Chapter Forty-Seven: Acting the NT Part and Feeling “Fake”

I was having a discussion with a fellow Aspie, David N., the other day about how sometimes in social settings, we can get the feeling that we’re being “fake.” He told me how he’s always felt like a fraud, as if he’s acting and being someone who isn’t himself, because he knows deep down that the real him doesn’t belong. Both of us agreed that we (and probably many other Aspies) find this feeling uncomfortable because we don’t like dishonesty and pretense. To my friend, it was just another thing he detested about himself. He said he never understood where that feeling was coming from.

In my mind, it’s been clear to me for a while why I feel that way. It’s because, to fit in properly, as Aspies, we’re often “acting” the neurotypical role. To fully integrate, society demands that we adjust our behavior strongly so that we no longer feel genuine about who we are. Some of us fall so deeply into this role, we lose ourselves and forget the things that make us unique—our uniqueness, our humor, the activities that give us joy. Many of us do learn to play this role and even play it well. Some have more trouble with it. A few don’t even try. But the real question is, should we?

Since I’ve (recently) stopped trying to be like everyone else and pass as a neurotypical quite as much, I’ve found myself so much happier in life. More authentic. While some people in my life may shun the Aspie traits I display, many also love them. It surprises me how many people find the quirks charming and amusingly typical. Suppressing them, it turns out, isn’t always the best answer, and it certainly isn’t a satisfying one.

So I guess the key is in finding a balance—changing the big and easy-to-change issues that cause the most offense, but not changing so much that it becomes constant work, or you start not to feel like yourself. I think owning your inner Aspie, combined with confidence in who you are, leads to the most satisfying, successful sort of life.

One thing that always concerns me is when I hear people or organizations talking about “training” young Aspies to live a more normal life. I agree that learning and knowing the skills could be helpful, but what I don’t like about it is the subtle pressure that it could put on Aspies to change and become the neurotypical way completely. There’s an unavoidable underlying message: Who you are isn’t right, and this is what you should be instead.

I want to tell those young Aspies and their parents that while skills and knowing social norms is great, never forget to value yourself (or your child) for who you are and all the great things that make up you. To parents, encourage some of the fun quirks. Let them flap around if they want to. Who is it hurting anyway? Teens are particularly impressionable about not seeing the good in themselves and having a hard time with being different. Aspie teens need the adults in their lives to show it to them.

Similarly, when I hear about workplace initiatives to train Aspies and help them find jobs, I wonder is it a complete service that includes making sure they are truly okay in the workplace in the long term, or does it just stop at how to “do everything right”? An Aspie can learn to do a job well, but acting in “the right way” over long periods of time takes its toll. We Aspies need to be okay in a more sustainable way.

Look at someone like myself, for example. I never got fired. I did my jobs well, sometimes exceptionally. But I was far from okay doing it. The focus in my working life had always been about me doing whatever it took to fit into the role and never on what I needed to be contented in the job. It’s like the cliché of the round peg in a square hole. I can learn easily enough to bend that way, but over time, it gets uncomfortable. I start to suffer for it. Instead of continually trying to squash myself into that square, what I need is for the workplace to cut me a rounder hole.

Give me some space and some time to do things in my own way. Let me come and go as I need to get the work done, and stop expecting me to always be doing so much of those little social/political things that exhaust me so. There are a million other employees who could do those things instead. I never did understand why it was so critical that every employee do their own calling around and schmoozing.

It just makes sense to re-delegate it, because while stifled, an Aspie may still work okay, but half their energy is wasted on just coping with being there. In comparison, a comfortable, focused Aspie can do amazing things. Let us work our magic the way we do best.

There’s so much joy in being free to really do what you do well and have other people appreciate you for your authentic self. I want every Aspie to know that feeling.