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Abel
The ocean waves lap at my feet as the sun begins to set over the horizon.
It’s exactly as I remember it, down to the very last detail. The smell of the sea. The sound of the water as it crashes against the shore. The feeling of the sand beneath my toes.
If I close my eyes I can almost picture it. I can see Finley, her green eyes bright as her dark hair blows in the breeze.
My heart aches and I clutch the urn closer to my chest.
“I’m not ready,” I whisper into the wind, letting it carry my words away.
“Yes, you are,” I hear Finley whisper back.
“I don’t think I can do this without you.”
“I’m with you, always.” Her soft voice vibrates through me as if she were actually standing next to me, speaking the words.
Emotion lodges in my throat.
“I love you so much. Every single second, of every single day. I’ll never stop.”
“You love her too.”
“It feels different this time,” I mutter to myself.
“It should. No love is the same. Just because you love her doesn’t mean you love me any less.”
I know it’s what she would say if she could. Because that was Finley. Beautiful. Selfless. Brave.
“No, it doesn’t,” I admit. “I didn’t think it could happen. I didn’t think there was any way I could look at someone and not see you. Not compare her to you. Not wish she was you. But then I met Peyton and I don’t know. I guess I can’t explain it. In some weird way I just knew. I knew she was the one. Even when I fought my feelings. Even when I pushed her away. Deep down I always knew.”
I know I probably look like a crazy person, standing ankle deep in the ocean, seemingly talking to myself. But honestly, I don’t care. This moment isn’t about what I look like to anyone who might happen upon me. It’s about Finley. It’s about Peyton. It’s about me. And this is something I have to do.
Twisting the top off the urn, I step further into the water.
“I will love you forever, Finley Collins. Until my dying breath. You are as much a part of me as I am myself. And as much as it kills me to let you go, I promised you I would. So, here we are, on our beach. The one where you agreed to be my wife. I didn’t know if I’d have the strength to do this without you, but I’m not here alone, because you’re here. I can feel you, even though I can’t see you. And I know this is what you want.”
Tears fall freely down my cheeks as I slowly turn the urn upside down, allowing Finley’s ashes to scatter on top of the water.
“Be free, my love. Until we meet again.”
I watch as the tide carries her out to sea, as she slowly disappears into nothing. And for a moment I feel like I’m losing her all over again. Pain rips through my chest, gnawing at my heart. It’s excruciating. Like a blade being twisted over and over again.
I walk further into the water until it’s at my knees. Then my chest. Until eventually I’m completely submerged under its weight. And I let it take me, willing it to swallow me whole and take me with her. But just as the darkness starts to take me under, Peyton’s face flashes through my mind.
I resurface with a sputter.
Looking around, I realize I’m a lot further from shore than I’d thought. Using the momentum of the waves, I’m able to swim back with ease.
When I reach the beach, I collapse onto the sand. Dropping my face into my hands, I do something I have never truly let myself do. I grieve. I grieve the loss of my wife. I grieve the loss of the life we could have had together. And for the first time since she died, I let myself feel every ounce of that pain. I don’t push it away or try to shove it into a dark corner. I let it consume every ounce of me until all I feel is that pain.
And that’s where I sit. On the beach. Watching the waves roll in. Feeling the crushing heaviness of my loss sitting down on top of me.
But then something shifts. I don’t know how to explain it other than it feels like someone is physically removing the weight from my shoulders. And that’s when I look down...
Lying next to me is something that sends my mind and body reeling.
A feather.
It’s not colorful like the one that’s inked on Peyton’s foot, but the meaning behind it is just as powerful.
I pick it up, swirling the quill between my thumb and index finger as I remember what Peyton had said about her mom leaving feathers to let her know she’s still here. Maybe Finley is trying to tell me the same thing.
I take a deep inhale and let it out slowly, a calm settling the storm inside of me.
“I’m free and now you are too.”
“I love you,” I whisper to the wind.
“I love you too,” it whispers back.
