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Golf has often come under the doubtful scrutiny of environmentalists concerned at the high levels of herbicides, pesticides and chemical fertilisers needed to keep the grass green and the wildlife at bay. There is little doubt however that the run-off of harmful chemicals into the water system is far less from golf courses than it is from high intensity agricultural land. The commissioning of a study to substantiate this belief would upset the powerful farming lobby, the land exploiting barons who own most of the farmland in England. Golf courses provide a refuge for a large variety of animals, birds and insects which are forcibly and cruelly driven out of agricultural farmland. True some creatures such as squirrels and moles prove to be a destructive nuisance to the beloved turf and trees and are pursued remorselessly. But wherever man interferes with nature, there is always an imbalance.

Considerable concern has also been expressed at the way the English countryside, indeed large tract of European countryside have been and are being turned into golf courses. In some countries the constant thirst of the grass gives rise to concerns about water shortages.

Prime agricultural land has been sacrificed to satisfy the seemingly insatiable demand for golf. Estimates suggest the golf courses occupy a half a percent of arable land in England. And yet there is much to support the contention that cultivated green, wooded golf courses are the salvation of the countryside. How else could the maintenance of such land be funded? Could we really expect European Community funds to allow agricultural land to lie fallow for decades? It is surely far better that the land is put to some use before the developers move in. At least a golf course is still green and alive. And it could in theory be turned back to productive farm land.

Fundamentally the problem remains that the land is cultivated for golf courses for exclusive use of the few. Golf is not cheap and takes a considerable time to play. Typically door to door five or six hours are required for a round of golf assuming only a sparing visit to the bar for a tipple. It is this fact that was golf that originated the idea of the sporting widow, the golf widow. Though the golf widow may despise the lure of the game that attracts their partners for large portions of the typical weekend, in truth it has proved the salvation of many otherwise foundering relationships. Faced with the prospect of having to spend two whole days in each others company, many couples would soon be at each others throats. Many a wife has been know to contend that at least their husband was playing a round rather than playing around.

For the likes of Henry, Bill, Bob and Vic golf serves a profoundly useful and fundamentally essential purpose. In their declining years it provides an interest in life, it provides friendship and exercise which will help stave off the creeping frailty and problems of age. Though the body inevitably declines in old age it does not have to decline at the rate so typical in many old people. This unnecessarily rapid decline is due primarily to inactivity. Even in the very young, muscles and tissue waste if not used. Consider the couch potato modern teenagers for whom even a walk upstairs is tiring. The human body was built for movement and without it simply dissipates.

Lack of activity is also responsible for the terrifying decline in mental faculties so unnecessarily common in the elderly. An active brain is healthier and lives longer than a brain which has switched off from life. Deprived of stimulation the brain begins to shut down. Golf provides food for thought and food for the brain.

Henry lives alone but when he is sick he will not suffer alone and in silence. There will be friends to help. And when he finally passes away his body will not be left for weeks or even months until a curious gas meter reader calls the police. Henry will be missed the following day when he does not arrive for his daily tipple.

For Henry and many like him golf means life and living. It means not being alone. It means having friends who care. Subsidised golf for OAPs would seem a far wiser move than building yet more expensive institutions which prove to be little more than places old people go to die. People do not go to a golf club to die, they go to live. You have to be alive to be a cantankerous old bugger like Henry. The Japanese invasion may be a bone of contention to the staid older members of Barndem like Henry but at least it provides a stimulus to what could otherwise be cruelly wasted retirement years.

So we will leave the members of Barndem to continue to try to sort out some sort accommodation with the Japanese. That they will there is no doubt, much as they came to terms with the American invasion of sixty plus years ago. The Americans left to be replaced by the Japanese. But there is a nasty rumour about a French water company taking over the local water board and looking for corporate membership of a golf club. Surely Barndem could not possibly sink to the depths of allowing in interlopers from the European Union? But that is a story for another time.