I was unsettled during the entire ride to the hospital. My mother had spent time in the hospital before, so I was not initially worried about her. However, I knew that she was not well when my uncle took me out of school early to bring me to her side. My uncle vaguely explained why he was driving me to the hospital, but I knew what was happening. I did not want to believe that my mother’s illness had become too much for her to endure, but once I entered her room and saw several of my relatives crying, I was forced to face the reality of the situation. My mother’s doctors told me that her cancer had spread to several parts of her body and that she would soon die. As I processed what was happening, I became overwhelmed by anger, sorrow, and confusion. These feelings consumed my mind and made me seriously question my future.
I received a lot of support from my family and friends, but nothing they said or did eased my mind. The first and most substantial feeling that came over me was the fear of living without my mother. My father died of a heart attack when I was two years-old, so my mother had been the only person always present in my life. She taught me many things during my adolescence and was the person that I always turned to for support and advice. I was not sure if I could handle the obstacles in my life without her help. I knew that my mother would always help me get through my struggles. Without her, I no longer had the same sense of security, a new sensation that really scared me. My fear was accompanied by anger over how my mother’s life was ending. My mother had fought cancer for three years with conviction. I hated the fact that after persevering through so much suffering, she still had to lose her life. I felt that my mother did not deserve to die because she lived so virtuously and so positively affected many people’s lives. The fact that my mother was going to miss witnessing the rest of my life also angered me. Due to the absence of my father, I was extremely close to my mother. My mother loved me unconditionally and she always talked to me about how much she would enjoy watching me go to college, beginning a career, and starting a family. The fact that my mother was deprived of seeing in person how my life turned out seemed unjust to me. All of these feelings developed in me quickly and left me distraught.
Along with my emotions about my mother, concerns about my future also arose once I learned about her looming death. I was unsure of who I wanted to be my guardian. I had doubts about each relative that I thought could be my guardian and I was discouraged by the fact that none of them could provide me with the same life that I had with my mother. I also struggled with others’ feelings. I knew that there would be family members who would be hurt if I did not choose them to be my guardian. I care deeply about my family members, so I did not want to hurt any of them. All of these factors made it difficult for me to choose a guardian. Another concern that I had was my future in school. I did not know how I would be able to focus on school when so many concerns were weighing down on my mind. Since I was a young child, I had always worked hard to succeed in school because I knew it would help me establish the life that I desire. I did not want my plans to be deterred by my mother’s death, but this seemed very likely because of how much life would change once she died.
I struggled with many thoughts and emotions during the time of my mother’s death, but I was able to cope with the loss and move forward with my life. I chose a friend of my family to be my guardian, a decision based on my desires rather than those of my relatives. I was also able to focus on school and maintain high grades in all of my classes. The pride that my mother took in my success inspired me to continue doing well. Most important, I established confidence in my ability to live without my mother. My mother taught me to never allow the obstacles in my life to defeat me. In her honor, I had to persevere and continue to pursue my aspirations, and believe in myself. As long as I do this, I can accomplish any of my goals.