5

Saffron and Halla made it to Temecula’s Windsor Crest area in a breezy five hours that had Halla swearing she was going to buy a Prius after she got her first real job.

“You have to finish college first,” Saffron reminded her.

“Yeah, I know, but I have fifty thousand followers on my blog already, and I’m thinking about monetizing it by adding advertising.” Halla had always been a writer, even in high school, and after a year of delaying college, her choice of journalism for a major in addition to an editing minor hadn’t surprised anyone except herself.

“You might as well.” Saffron brought the Prius to a stop in front of a one-story house. “It would help you pay for college.”

“So what now?” Halla asked.

Saffron had no idea. She stared up at the house that belonged to her parents. The place was smaller than she remembered, though still impressive. The immaculate lawn was very green and lacked any of the rock features that dotted many of the houses in California and Arizona. Sweeping trees, three garages, and arched windows gave it an air of wealth and permanence.

It didn’t look like a house owned by people who would throw their child away.

“It’s kind of impressive,” Halla said half apologetically.

“You haven’t seen the rockwork on the covered deck or around the pool,” Saffron said, trying to mask her urge to flee.

She remembered vividly her last day here, taking a taxi to the bus station and spending far too much of her small funds in the process. Her mother had stood in the doorway, hands on her hips and a determined expression on her face. That moment haunted Saffron’s dreams almost as much as the day at the hospital.

“I can’t do this,” Saffron whispered. “I can’t walk up there.”

Halla studied her. “Yes, you can—but maybe not today. Let’s go to our hotel. You’ve come a long way already, and I think your sister will agree to meet us there for at least the first visit. You can face your mother later.”

“Good idea.” With relief, Saffron put the car into gear and drove away from her mother’s house. “Can you get my phone and text her?”

Halla grinned. “You text. I’ll drive. Come on, stop the car and change places with me. You got all the fun on the way here.”

“Okay, okay.” Saffron edged over to the curb and traded places. She was tired of driving anyway—and hungry too. She was looking forward to digging deeper into the cooler of food Lily had sent with them and to maybe stretching out on a bed for a few minutes.

The thought of a bed brought an unbidden flash of memory to her mind. Of lying in her room with tears leaking down the sides of her face after her mother had told her to break up with Tyson. Before the baby. Before any of it.

“But I love him,” she’d declared. “I know you think I’m too young, and it’s not like I want to run off and get married. I want to go to college, and so does he. We just want to hang out. I’d like to bring him here.”

“You need to concentrate on school,” her mother said in her clipped, no-nonsense voice. “You need to marry someone like your father, who can take care of you.”

Saffron didn’t even know what her father did, except that he worked for a big company and was always gone. During their last vacation to Catalina Island, he’d appeared for only one day. “Tyson’s father served in the military,” she told her mother. “That’s honorable.”

Her mother’s lips pursed. “My sources say he wasn’t in active combat, but he’s been collecting disability for ten years already. That’s not the kind of life I want for you.”

You mean for you, Saffron wanted to say.

“Promise me you won’t see him anymore.”

“We go to the same school. Of course I’m going to see him.”

“You know what I mean.” Her mother’s stare pierced her. “Break up with him now. It’s for your own good, Rosalyn. You may not understand that now, but you will one day.” With that she’d left, shutting the door with a decisive click.

“Saffron?” Halla said, calling her back to the present. “Aren’t you going to text your sister?”

Saffron banished the unhappy memory. “Oh, right. I think I’m a little tired. I didn’t sleep much last night.”

“Because of coming here or because of Vaughn?”

“Coming here,” Saffron said, but honesty forced her to admit: “Okay, maybe Vaughn too. He was fun to be with, but it’s not like we had a future or anything.”

“Because you’re still hung up on a guy you haven’t seen for nearly nine years?”

“Well, it sounds stupid when you say it that way. But you don’t know how it was between us. He was my other half.”

Halla glanced at her and then turned her attention back to the road in front of them. “What if he’s married now?”

Saffron’s heart twisted. “At least I’ll know.” If she hadn’t been able to move on, maybe he hadn’t either. It was a big chance, but one she had to take.

She turned on her phone and began texting. Kendall must have been waiting for news because she answered back immediately. “She says she can come in an hour,” Saffron said.

“That’ll give us time to get to the hotel. Does she have the address?”

Saffron was already copying and pasting the address into her conversation. “She does now.”

They’d chosen the Rodeway Inn because it cost less than most and was close to Saffron’s family. They checked in, and Saffron couldn’t help but see the hotel as her mother would see it: a place for those who couldn’t afford better.

“What a nice place,” Halla said as they entered the room, Lily’s small cooler between them.

Saffron hugged her. “Thank you for saying that.”

Halla gave her a confused look. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah. Let’s eat.”

They set their bags by the first twin bed and walked to the small table where they set the cooler. Halla dug through it. “I thought I saw some of Lily’s chicken salad. Was I imagining it?”

She wasn’t. There were also rolls, fruit, small bottles of juice, and a couple more of the turkey sandwiches they hadn’t eaten on the way. The food comforted Saffron, somehow reminding her of safety and love.

All too soon—and not soon enough—there was a knock on the door.

Halla grabbed her purse that was just large enough for her cell phone and her tiny wallet. “I’ll leave you two alone—after I meet her, of course.”

“Are you sure?” Saffron was suddenly nervous.

Halla gave her a wry smile. “Believe me, she doesn’t want me around, not after all these years of not seeing you.”

She had a point. Saffron gathered her scattered courage. “Okay then.”

“Text me if you need me,” Halla added.

“I will.” Saffron hurried to the door, pulling it open with a bit more force than necessary. Her eyes fell on a slender, pretty young woman she knew only from Facebook. Kendall had bleached hair that just reached her shoulders and she had grown taller than Saffron herself. There seemed to be no trace of the child she’d been.

“Hi,” Saffron said a bit breathlessly.

Kendall nodded, her blue eyes large in her narrow face. “Hi, Rosalyn—I mean Saffron.” A nervous hand tucked her hair behind her ear, revealing multiple piercings. Saffron leaned forward and hugged her, wanting to bridge the space between them. Her own sister, but she was a complete stranger. Saffron felt strangely disappointed, as if Kendall shouldn’t have grown at all while she’d been gone. Kendall hugged her back.

Halla stuck out her hand as Saffron released Kendall. “Hi, I’m Halla.”

The words jolted Saffron from her bad manners. “Oh, right. Halla’s my si—” She stopped. She’d been going to say “sister,” of course, as she always did, because Halla and the other girls were her family—but it felt wrong somehow to say now to her biological sister.

“Saffron and I are foster sisters,” Halla filled in smoothly. “We both lived at a place called Lily’s House. It’s nice to meet you.”

“You too.” Kendall’s voice was strained and tinged with anger as her eyes ran over Halla’s clothes, taking in the black tank top and camouflage cargo shorts that were her customary summer attire.

“I can sure tell you’re sisters,” Halla added, her head swinging between them. “You look a lot alike.”

Saffron supposed that was true. They had similar coloring and build, though Kendall was taller and thinner, and her hair whiter. Their eyes—inherited from their mother—were the same.

“Well, I’ll just leave you two to catch up.” With a smile, Halla slipped past Kendall and started down the hallway, humming softly.

“Come in,” Saffron said to Kendall.

Kendall came inside, stalking rather than walking, then paused and waited until Saffron passed her, heading to the table.

“We were just eating,” Saffron said, settling into one of the two chairs. “You hungry?”

Kendall winced slightly before smoothing her features. “No, thank you.”

“So . . . it’s good to see you.” The words felt lame compared to the emotions in Saffron’s heart. She wanted to ask a billion questions, to touch her sister’s face and smooth the strands of her hair as she had when they were younger.

Kendall didn’t sit. “So she’s your sister now? I guess I was pretty easy to replace.”

Saffron stared up at Kendall’s taut face. “Of course nothing could replace you. It’s not like that.”

“Then what’s it like?”

“Please sit?” Saffron hadn’t thought of the situation from her sister’s point of view, but she was right to be upset.

Kendall’s nostrils flared as she placed her phone and car keys on the table and dropped into a chair. “Okay, look, I need to get something out. I want to be clear. Why didn’t you come back sooner?”

Saffron hesitated in her response. How to explain when she was asking herself the same question?

“I know you and Mom had problems,” Kendall rushed on, “but that wasn’t my fault. I looked up to you. I missed you! I keep wondering why you didn’t contact me sooner, and . . . and I guess I’m a little hurt. It doesn’t help when you show up with her.” Kendall glanced toward the closed door. “You’re close, aren’t you? I can tell. It’s not like you really need me, so why are you even here?”

“I’m sorry I stayed away so long. I should have come back sooner. And I really want to get to know you. It’s just . . .” Saffron knew she should have gotten over losing her baby. Except she hadn’t.

Grief swept through her in a rush, as if it were a new emotion, not one dimmed by time. The feeling was always present, but when it flared like this, she was always surprised at how overwhelmingly fresh and raw it felt.

Tears made it hard to see. “There’s a reason,” she said finally. “I just don’t know if it will seem like enough to you.”

Kendall jumped to her feet. “That’s right, because I don’t understand! I can’t see what would be so awful that you would leave me. I waited and waited for you to come back. Even Mom thought you would come for dad’s funeral, but you didn’t. Not even a phone call.”

“Funeral?” Shock waved through Saffron. She felt stupid, as if she couldn’t quite understand the words. Her brain was struggling to keep up, and her mouth held the distinct flavor of ashes. “How did he—? When?” How could she not have known her father was dead? He’d never been around as she was growing up, but he’d been a constant in their lives, if only from a distance.

“You didn’t know?” Kendall sat back down, more subdued now. “Well, he died of a heart attack in Japan when he was on a business trip. It was the August after you left.”

August. The grief swelled again, and she couldn’t help the tears. But they weren’t for her father. She didn’t know him well enough to cry for him.

“I’m sorry,” Kendall said. “I didn’t know that you hadn’t heard.” She placed her hand over Saffron’s on the table, gazing at her with concern, her earlier anger gone. In that instant, Saffron saw the little girl Kendall had been, and the grief inside widened. She’d lost more than her son and the man she loved when she’d left here. She’d also lost Kendall, but only this minute did she glimpse how much she’d cheated both of them. She’d been too wrapped up in her private pain to care about anything else.

Kendall appeared to be waiting for more—and she deserved an explanation. “I had a baby,” Saffron said, trying to blink back tears. “August was when he was born. The month after I turned seventeen.”

“You have a son?” Kendall’s eyes looked huge in her narrow face.

Saffron shook her head. “Not anymore,” she whispered. The words sounded slow to her ears, and garbled as if she were under water. “I wasn’t healthy, and he came three months early.” She paused, knowing she had to say the rest. “He only lived a little while.”

“Oh, no! I’m so sorry.” Kendall sat back in her chair, folding her arms over her stomach. “But suddenly it all makes a little more sense. Why you left, I mean.”

“It’s why Mom made me leave.” Saffron’s vehemence was more pronounced than she intended, though it was only a fraction of her real feelings. “She suspected about the baby, and when she heard me throwing up, she confronted me. I had the pregnancy test right there in my hand, so not much chance of putting her off. I told her I planned to marry Tyson and keep the baby, and she said if I wanted to be an idiot, I’d have to do it alone. Then she took my phone and ordered me to leave the house before Dad got home.”

“I remember you packing,” Kendall said, frowning. “I was so upset. Then Mom made me go to my room.”

“What happened when dad got home? What did he say?”

Kendall shrugged. “Nothing in front of me. But why didn’t you marry Tyson?”

“He was at football practice when I left. I called him later but . . .” Saffron shook her head. “Wait, how did you know I didn’t marry him?” Kendall had been too young to know anyone at the high school, and their families didn’t move in the same social circles.

“Because I ran into him last month when my boyfriend applied to do some work for him. I didn’t know who he was, but he recognized my name, and we pieced it together.”

“He’s still in town?” Saffron’s heart beat in an uneven rhythm.

“Back in town, I think. His dad’s sick, and he’s helping take care of him. Tyson’s done a complete remodeling of the house—that’s what my boyfriend’s been helping with. In fact, I think I’m the only reason he gave Joel the job. They’re almost finished.”

“I’m assuming Joel is your boyfriend, but does that mean Tyson’s a contractor?”

Kendall laughed. “No. He’s a doctor. But he’s doing the house himself—or a lot of it. Joel’s just helping out with the work.”

A doctor. That seemed more like the Tyson she’d known. In high school he’d been fascinated with the biological sciences. Though he’d planned to enter the army like his dad, Saffron had told him more than once that he should go into the medical field. Her mother had predicted he’d go nowhere, and there was a distinct irony in how wrong she’d been.

“So how long have you been dating Joel?” she asked Kendall.

Kendall smiled and her eyes sparkled. “A year—all my senior year in high school. And he’s absolutely perfect, but Mom . . .”

Saffron’s stomach tensed. “Let me guess. She doesn’t like him.”

“Well that, and she wants me to finish college. But I hate college, or at least all the classes I’m taking. It’s only been a month, but it’s awful. Interior design isn’t my thing. Joel says I should do what I want.” Kendall leaned forward, turning on her phone. “See, this is him. Isn’t he gorgeous?”

She thrust out the phone to show Saffron a picture of a thin young man with longish hair and a wispy goatee. Saffron wasn’t sure if it was the look in the man’s eyes or the possessive way he was holding onto Kendall, but something about him made her uneasy.

Saffron wasn’t about to say that to Kendall, of course—at least not until she’d met Joel and gotten to know him a little better. Her experience with the abandoned or troubled girls at Lily’s House had shown her that in many instances appearances were absolutely wrong. “So you really like him?”

“I love him,” Kendall corrected. “And I can’t wait to be with him, even if Mom hates the idea.”

“Oh, yeah? What’s the rush?” Saffron was not taking her mother’s side on this. She was taking Lily’s, who always urged her girls to get a good start on their education and have their plans in place before they became serious with anyone. Even the few pregnant teens who had come through Lily’s House had received career counseling before they got married. She wanted them to live their dreams—not someone else’s—and to find someone whose dreams complemented their own.

“Because I’m pregnant.” Kendall paused after the announcement, her stare a little defiant. “That’s why I’m so glad you’re here. I need someone to be with me when I tell her about the baby. Someone who’ll help me stand up for myself. And I’m pretty sure that once I tell Mom, she’s going to kick me out.”

A sense of déjà vu fell over Saffron, and she had to stifle the urge to cover her ears. Pregnant. Pregnant. Pregnant. The word reverberated inside her head as it had when Saffron had discovered her own expectant condition.

“You’re shocked, aren’t you?” Kendall lifted her chin, her jaw clenching.

“Yeah, a little,” Saffron managed to say.

As the impact of the words wore off, Saffron felt a brief sliver of jealousy crawl up from some dark place inside her. If only she could go back to the day when she’d taken the test. She’d still leave home, but she’d go straight to Lily, who would help her get the care she needed to save her baby. Her mother may have deserted her. Tyson may have deserted her. But Lily was a constant, like the ocean or a mountain, and she would have saved Saffron’s child.

Saffron pushed the yearning back inside its hole. “Wow, that’s big,” she murmured.

“I know, and I’ve been feeling so alone.” Kendall’s brow furrowed and her frown was back. “Then you told me you were coming down and I knew it was fate. You came back just in time—I really need you.”

Did that redeem her then? Saffron wondered. She reached for her sister’s hand. “I’m here for you,” she said, answering the question underlying her sister’s words. “I don’t know how good I’ll be with Mom, because quite frankly she still scares me, but I can be with you when you tell her.” More hesitantly, she asked, “So what does Joel say?”

“That we’ll get married.” Kendall’s smile was back. “He’s excited for the baby. He just needs another month to get things together so we can figure out where we’re going to live. Right now he’s crashing at a friend’s. Mom’s got all that room, but there’s no way . . .” She shrugged. “You know how she is.”

Saffron didn’t, not anymore, but she could guess. “How far along are you?”

“Three and a half months.” Kendall sighed. “I didn’t mean for it to happen, and I know I was stupid, but now that it has, I’m so excited. I can’t wait to have a little baby to love.”

Saffron remembered that feeling, and how excited she’d been to tell Tyson the test was positive. Like Kendall, she understood that she’d been stupid, but at the same time she’d been filled with hope for the life she’d make with Tyson.

Grief grew inside her again, and for a long minute, Saffron struggled with her emotions. Somehow she had to be able to think about the past—and the future—without the grief and longing taking over her like this. She would be an aunt to this baby, and someday she wanted to have her own, and that meant she needed to put the past behind her.

“Are you okay?” Kendall asked.

Saffron forced a nod. “I’m excited about your baby. It just brings up a lot of memories.”

“I bet.” Kendall was quiet a moment before adding, “I can’t believe I never knew that’s why you left. I think maybe I wouldn’t have been so angry at you.”

Saffron’s tears fell then, dripping down both cheeks. It was safer to cry for what she and Kendall had lost than for her baby and for Tyson. “I’m here now, and we’ll work things out, somehow.”

“When will we tell her?” At that moment, Kendall again reminded Saffron of her child self. So young and vulnerable.

“Whenever you’re ready. It’s your decision.”

Kendall nodded, but the crease in her forehead didn’t smooth. She was about to speak when her phone lit up with a text. She stood as she read it, reaching for her car keys. “Look, do you think we could get together later tonight? I need to go pick up Joel from work. He was supposed to be off already, but they were trying to put in a wheelchair ramp.”

“He doesn’t have a car?”

“Yeah, but it’s not running at the moment. Anyway, I can’t wait for you to meet him. You’re going to love him.”

“I’m sure I will.”

As they walked to the door, a thought occurred to Saffron. “You’re picking him up at Tyson’s. Is he going to be there?” The thought of seeing him both thrilled and terrified her.

“He should be. They mostly work on evenings or Fridays and Saturdays because that’s when Tyson’s off and can supervise.” Kendall stopped at the door and cocked her head, a slight grimace marring her features. “I guess you’ll want to see Tyson, huh? I forgot to tell you he has a girlfriend. According to his mother, the only thing really stopping him from proposing are the repairs and his dad’s illness.”

“I see.” The news wasn’t surprising after all these years, but it felt unfair. Almost as if Tyson had abandoned her yesterday instead of eight and a half years ago. What was this woman like who had won his heart?

Kendall hugged her. “Sorry for the way I acted when I got here. I am happy to see you but . . .”

“I know.” Saffron held on tight. Now that she had Kendall back, she wasn’t letting her go. She had Vaughn to thank that she was here right now, and even if she was still mad at him, she’d make a point to let him know.