Simone
Poking at the burning logs in the fireplace, I watch the sparks fly upward, thinking they’re hell’s little fireflies. There’s room for another log so I add one. We never go to sleep while a wood fire is still burning but I’m wide awake and know I can outlast it this evening.
The temperatures dipped way low tonight and I’m feeling the chill of the teen numbers outside. There’s no shame when nine o’clock rolls around and I’m snug in my fleece pajamas and fuzzy socks, I make myself a cup of hot cocoa the best way… with heavy cream, sugar, Ghirardelli chocolate and a dash of cayenne pepper to warm me up from the inside. Van taught me how to make it that way and he learned it from Etta.
When I’m settled on the couch and holding the steaming mug before me, I look down at my belly and give it a slow rub. “Don’t worry, little baby… I went light on the pepper. Still, I hope you come out as spicy as me.”
I grin, thinking about all the ways my life is going to change. My heart flutters sweetly when I think about all the love I have to give to this child.
What I don’t think about is wondering if she’ll have a dad. I know she will because I know Van won’t abandon it. Now, whether our marriage can be repaired is another matter. This isn’t the first time Van has gotten scared and his first reaction was to wall himself off. It might be that he’s just not cut out to be everything I need and I’ll have to come to grips with that.
But for now, I’m going to wait for him to work through this. I will give him the time he needs without me breathing down his neck or trying to force him to love me the way I want. If he can’t come to terms with his demons, though, I’ll tell him I’m pregnant and invite him to be involved in this journey as much or as little as he wants, but not as my husband. I’m not going to be in a marriage that is less than what I used to have with him.
I sip my cocoa and put it on the side table, nabbing the remote. I’ll binge-watch some Netflix. Just as I’m about to turn on the TV, a flash of lights comes through the living room window, rolling through the room before cutting off. Someone just pulled into the driveway and my pulse starts to race. No one would be visiting me at his hour.
No one but…
No way.
I roll off the couch and walk to the front door that’s covered by a lacy curtain. I pull it aside and see a white sedan sitting behind my rental car. It’s too shadowed to see clearly, but it’s definitely a man who gets out and walks toward the porch.
And as he finally steps into the glow from the sconce beside the door, my breath freezes as I realize it’s my husband wearing nothing but jeans and a long-sleeve T-shirt with a duffel slung over his shoulder.
Pressing my hand to my chest, I feel my heart in a mad gallop. I take a deep breath, unlock the door and swing it open just as he reaches the top step.
He halts, taking me in as frosty breath billows from his mouth, his eyes roaming slowly from my head to my feet, then back up to tether to my face. He says nothing, but neither do I. There’s no tension, though… which is weird. It’s almost like he’s supposed to be here right at this moment and I have no clue why, but I’m also not surprised.
I can only think back to Max saying he believed everything would work out okay and I guess deep down… I believed him.
“I’m going to grovel,” Van announces as he drops the duffel and moves toward me. “But first… I just want to hug you.”
There’s never a moment that runs through my mind to deny him. I gladly let him walk his body right into mine, wrap me in those strong arms and hold me tight to his chest as he presses his cheek to my head. I burrow into him, listening to his heartbeat, which is slow and steady compared to mine. I don’t even feel the cold blowing in through the door.
Van pulls back, putting chilly fingers under my chin and forcing my gaze up. “I love you,” he says.
“Never doubted it,” I assure him. Not once did I ever think he just fell out of love with me.
His smile is lopsided. “I’m an idiot.”
“Never doubted that either.” I pull back from him. He mentioned something about groveling and I’m going to insist he get on with it.
Van stares at me for a moment, accepting we’re at the part of this reunion where he’s going to have to humble himself a little. However, it can be done with a cup of cocoa.
I turn for the kitchen and I hear Van grabbing his duffel from the porch before shutting the door. His footsteps are heavy as he stands just inside the kitchen, watching me pour the steaming chocolate from the pot into his favorite mug. I glance at him and I’m relieved to see he doesn’t look uncomfortable. No matter how bad these last few weeks have been, I don’t want either of us to suffer anymore.
I hand Van his hot chocolate and we move into the living room. I resume my seat on one end of the couch and to my surprise, Van doesn’t take the other end. Or even the chair to my right.
He stands on the other side of the coffee table before the fireplace. I wait patiently as he takes a sip of his cocoa and sets the mug up on the mantel before facing me.
“So,” he says, spreading his arms as if he has a speech all planned. Except he falters and then his face crumbles, as if he doesn’t quite know how to start.
I give him a little push. “How did you even get here? You have a game tomorrow night. Surely you don’t intend to drive back because if you do, you’re going to need to leave pretty soon.”
Van offers a sheepish smile. “I chartered a small jet out of Pittsburgh. Of note, our savings account is about $16,000 light because of that.”
I’m shocked by that number because Van is kind of frugal. Despite having millions from his hockey career, he doesn’t spend money in flashy ways. Still, it’s adorable that he seems chagrined about it.
“How about you tell me why you’re here.”
“Obviously, because I came to my senses. Max told me I would and I did.”
I didn’t know Max had talked to Van. “What in the world did he say to you that I haven’t over the last few weeks to make you decide to stop being a moron?”
Van shakes his head and moves around the coffee table to sit next to me. He shifts on his hip to angle my way. “He didn’t say anything in particular. Just told me things would work out. It was Drake who made things clear to me.”
My face puckers in confusion. “Drake?”
“Yeah… I went with him and Boone to the children’s hospital this morning, visited with the sick kids—which, as a side note, was absolutely gut-wrenching—but we went out for beers after.”
There’s no helping the soft hum from my throat. The thought of Van visiting sick kids makes me a gooey mess inside. He hears it and smiles gently, reaching out to take my hand. I don’t pull away, instead letting him cradle my fingers as he continues to talk. “Drake’s ex-wife is an addict and apparently, it’s been pretty tough on his boys. I don’t know exactly how old they are, but I saw them once at the arena and they’re young. Like seven or so. Anyway, they’ve seen some shit with her.”
“Poor kiddos,” I coo, wanting to wrap them in a hug. Drake as well.
“Yeah… poor kiddos, except… they’re well-adjusted and happy.”
Now I see where he’s going with this. “You saw firsthand that kids can face tough things and come out just fine.”
“Sort of. I mean, yes… it was validating to hear his advice and he assured me kids are resilient and need transparency and honesty and guidance and with all of that, they can handle all kinds of things. But I had a different sort of epiphany.”
I tilt my head. “What’s that?”
Van’s gaze falls away from me and he rubs his jaw. I feel the guilt radiating off him and I squeeze the hand still entwined with mine. “Van?”
When he turns his regard back to me, his expression is awash with shame. “My epiphany is that I wasn’t trying to spare my future children from the pain of my past… I think I was really wanting to spare myself. I didn’t see how I could do it. How I could protect them and be a good dad. It felt… insurmountable and I felt weak. I never had a father figure, so I didn’t think I had it in me to do right by them.”
“Oh,” I murmur, glancing down at where our hands are connected. I had not expected that at all. My head lifts. “But you’re not weak. You’re one of the strongest, most accomplished people I know. You overcame a horrific childhood to become an incredibly successful, kind and loving man. You can do anything you set your mind to, baby.”
Van nods. “Yeah… I know. I mean, I’m scared, but you’re right. I know I can do this. That was my secondary epiphany after acknowledging my true fear… that I can do this, and with you by my side, it won’t be as scary. Drake said it’s hard work, but I can do what it takes.”
I nod in agreement, but still… Van’s first inclination was to push me away. To abandon our dreams of having kids and I tell him this. “You didn’t even try to figure this out with me. You left me.”
“And therein lies the true problem… can you forgive me for it? I did it to you once before and I can’t one hundred percent guarantee I won’t get freaked out again in the future. But the one thing you have to remember, never did I stop loving you. I once told you that I’d never love another soul the way I love yours and that holds true today. If you kick me out of here right now, it will be true in fifty years. Even if you marry someone else and have kids with them, I’ll love you until my dying day.”
A small breath wafts out of my mouth, but the rest of the air seems trapped in my lungs.
Van leans into me, cups my cheek. “Please say you forgive all the ways I hurt you. Please say you love me the way I love you. Most of all, please tell me that you still want a life with me and that you want to have babies and we can raise them to be strong, fierce children who can handle anything.”
Van’s eyes are lasered onto mine, his body tensed for me to push him away. Instead, I say, “I’m pregnant.”
I watch him carefully because this is where I’ll know for sure just how committed he is.
For what seems like forever, his expression is as unyielding as a sculpture. But then something beautiful and miraculous happens. The change is subtle at first… a muscle in his jaw twitches and the corners of his mouth lift as if he’s undecided between a smile and a frown. His brows draw inward as he processes those two words I just uttered. Then a spark ignites, dancing across his gorgeous blue irises, and his pupils dilate as if trying to absorb the news I just handed over.
That uncertain smile gets bigger, tentative at first until it takes over his entire face. Relief and joy radiate, but his eyes soften with wonder as he glances down toward my belly. I pull his hand and place his palm there.
“We have a baby in there?” he asks in wonder, his voice cracking with emotion.
My heart melts. “We do.”
“When?” he asks, then his eyes fly up with fear shining brightly over something new he’s considered. “The accident? Is it okay?”
“The baby’s fine. They did an ultrasound at the hospital.”
“Oh God, Simone.” Van falls forward onto me, laying his head in my lap, and while I can’t see his face, I can hear the tears in his voice. “I should have been there for you. I should have been by your side every step of the way.”
I pet his head, whispering soothing words. “It’s okay. You’re here now.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?” he asks, lifting to stare at me. I’m surprised there’s no condemnation, just curiosity.
“I wanted you to want this baby, not be obligated to it. I didn’t want to get you back that way.”
Van nods, his gaze drifting toward the fire in contemplation. “How can you trust that I’m here for the right reasons, then?”
His focus remains on the fire, as if he’s afraid to look at me when I provide the answer. I reach out a hand, slide it behind his neck and force him to face me. “Because I trust you love me, Van. That is something that was never once damaged in all of this craziness. Not once did I question your love or your loyalty. In fact, I know it was the depth of your love that had you acting crazy.”
Van’s expression is dubious, so I bring our faces closer as I repeat the words he needs. “I trust your love for me.”
He just stares, his expression doubtful.
“Do you hear me? Do you believe me?” I press, squeezing his neck.
“I always believe everything you tell me,” he murmurs. “You’re the one person who I know will always give it to me straight.”
“And you know I love you, right?”
“You must to even let me in the door,” he says dryly.
“I love you more than anything, Van.”
And finally, after weeks of wanting him to make a true move that expresses how he feels in actions instead of words, Van takes my face in his palms and kisses me. It’s soft and gentle, his lips having immediate mastery over mine. His tongue slips in my mouth, touching my own briefly before he pulls away. Resting his forehead to mine, he says, “We’re having a baby.”
I hear the excitement in his voice and it’s music to my ears. “We’re having a baby,” I echo.
Van lifts his head and I’m surprised by the desire in his expression. “Is it weird that you being pregnant makes me want to fuck you really bad?”
I snicker and press my mouth to his, giving a slight shake of my head. “Lucky for you, pregnancy hormones make me hornier than normal.”
“Jesus… I’ve died and gone to heaven.” Van leans back, his lust quelled a tiny bit as he asks for one more affirmation. “What else do I need to do to make this right?”
“Nothing,” I assure him.
“Well, I did bring you something that I was hoping to use to convince you to give me another chance,” he says, moving off the couch and rounding to his duffel. I twist to see him rummaging in it and he pulls out a white shirt.
Returning to the couch, he spreads it open and hands it back to me. I gasp when I see it, then start laughing. It’s a Titan Queens T-shirt like the one I cut up.
I reach for it but he jerks it back, wagging a finger. “You only get this if you pack your bags and return to Pittsburgh with me tomorrow morning. You have to act the part of hockey wife if you want the official T-shirt, assuming you want that. I know we have to figure out your job and everything.”
Laughing, I throw myself into his arms, knocking him onto the couch. I kiss him hard before saying, “Yes, I’m going back with you.”
He grins up at me. “Almost all my dreams have come true.”
“What other dream needs to be fulfilled?” I ask as I stroke my fingers over his collarbone.
“I need you to get naked, Simone. I need it bad.”