The ride home for Solomon was great. He enjoyed little Gerald and Michele was pleasant to him. It could not have gone any better. As was his way, he quickly shifted to the next move.
There was a fine line between being smart and being pushy. Solomon, as a marketing executive, understood the value of riding the momentum of a strong wave. And he recognized the value of planning ahead.
So, on the way home from the game, he gave Gerald an envelope. “Money, I want you to give this to your mom before you go to bed,” he said. “You’re going to remember to do that?”
“What is it?” Gerald asked.
“It’s a gift for your mom for letting me take you to the game. I want it to be a surprise.”
“Okay, Coach Money,” he said, sticking the envelope in his pocket. “I won’t forget.”
It took Solomon about fifteen minutes to get home, and he figured that if Gerald did as planned, he had another fifteen minutes or so until Michele called to thank him for the present.
So, instead of taking a shower, he kicked off his shoes, made himself a margarita and got comfortable on the couch in anticipation of a call from Michele. After several minutes, he dozed off and woke up around midnight.
He looked at the time on the flat-screen television and was surprised his phone had not awakened him. He guessed that Gerald had forgotten to deliver his gift to Michele.
And just before he could ponder for long what to do, his cell phone chimed, indicating he had a text message. It was from Michele.
She had put Gerald to bed, tucked him in and said his prayers with him when he remembered what Solomon told him.
“Mommy,” he said, as Michele was leaving his room, “I have something to give to you.”
“You can give it to me in the morning, Gerald. It’s time to go to sleep.”
“But I’m supposed to give it to you now. I told Coach Money I wouldn’t forget.”
“Coach Money?”
“Yes, it’s in my pants.” Gerald got out of the bed and picked up his pants off the chair near his closet.
He handed the envelope over to her. “Here it is, Mommy.”
Michele took it. “Okay, now it’s time to get some sleep. Let’s get you back in bed.”
He jumped in and gave his mom another hug and kiss. Michele turned off the light in his room and took a seat at the bar outside her kitchen. She looked at the envelope, unable to figure what Solomon could have left for her. It must be a note, she thought.
There was no letter opener handy, so she grabbed a knife and used it to neatly but swiftly cut it open.
She unfolded the paper and received quite a surprise: a gift certificate from Thrill Planet in Marietta for a complimentary skydive. She could not suppress a smile from creasing her face.
Skydiving was one of her favorite activities. She had introduced Solomon to that adventure. But Michele had not “jumped” in years; the economic downturn impacted her catering business and she just could not pull herself to doing something she enjoyed over providing for Gerald.
She called Sonya. “Girl, guess what Solomon did? After he took Gerald to the Hawks game—”
“Wait,” her cousin interrupted. “You let Solomon take Gerald to a game? When did this miracle happen?”
“Tonight. He asked me and I thought about it and let him go. He was so excited. And he had a great time, too. So, it worked out.
“But anyway, Solomon gave Gerald a gift to give to me.”
“Really? What?”
“A gift certificate to skydive. Can you believe that?”
“Oh my goodness,” Sonya said. “Weren’t you talking about that the other day, that you wish you could afford to jump?”
“That’s what I’m saying: This is right on time. How could he know this is what I needed? Wait a minute—did you tell him?”
“What? No,” Sonya said. “How could I tell him? I don’t know how to reach him.”
“Facebook; you love Facebook,” Michele said.
“Girl, I don’t even know if he’s on Facebook. And if I did, knowing how you feel, you think I would contact him? And how do YOU know he has a Facebook account?”
“I don’t know,” she said. “Anyway, the point is, he gave me this gift. Now what do I do?”
“I know your mother and your daddy, so I know they taught you to say, ‘thank you,’” Sonya said. “It’s not that complicated.”
“No, it is complicated because of who it came from, cousin,” Michele said. “He took my son to the game and now he’s giving me gifts. He’s trying to lure me back to him.”
“Well, what’s wrong with that?” Sonya paused. “Listen, I’m not saying what he did wasn’t wrong. But I do remember that you were happy with him. Now, all these years later, a lot has happened and here he is. So, do you ever forgive him for what happened—what, eight years ago?—or do you at least give the man a shot and see what’s up?
“We talk every day, which means you don’t have a lot to do. Here’s a man you loved who’s back in your life. And you know there’s another very serious reason you should find out what the deal is. Don’t do anything rash. Take your time and feel your way through it. Listen, he’s here in Atlanta. He has his choice of many women; that’s how it is here. He’s trying to get with you. Shouldn’t that mean something?”
Michele considered all her cousin had to say. “Everything you say is right,” she said after a moment of contemplation. “But here’s the thing: You’ve got to have trust. There’s no way around that. He’s working from a negative number—he’s behind zero. So, it’s hard knowing that he disappeared for eight years, Sonya. That’s hard to get past.”
“I’m sure it is. I can’t imagine what it was like,” she said. “But how about this: Just do the right thing and thank the man for the gift. You know you’re not returning it because you love to sky-dive. So thank him. And just have an open mind. If he gets to be too much, tell him. But I’m not like most people. I believe people can change. Make that, people can grow up. If you are one way all your life, you might not be able to change. But if you were immature in some way, time allows you a chance to grow up. Maybe Solomon has grown up, realizes his mistake with you and wants to show you he’s different. Isn’t there a chance that could be it?”
“Anything’s possible,” Michele answered. “And I don’t want to sound so pessimistic. But that’s the best way for me to protect myself…I will call him—no, it’s too late to call now. I’ll text him and see if he’s still up. I’ll let you know what happened.”
“You’d better,” Sonya said. “Bye.”
Michele hung up her home phone and picked up her cell. She texted Solomon: “Thank you for the gift. But why?”
Solomon responded: “Can I call you to explain?”
Instead of responding, Michele called Solomon. “Why waste another text when I could just call you?” she said when he answered.
“What are you doing up this late?” he said. “I thought my man forgot to give you the envelope.”
“Almost,” she said. “But he was so proud to do what you asked him to do. He told me that you let him hold the tickets and find the car in the parking lot. I really appreciate that. He likes when you give him responsibilities.”
“I’m not just saying this, but that kid is a great kid. I see so much in him. I’m proud of him, so I know you are.”
“I am. He’s my heart.”
“I can tell,” Solomon said. “But listen, I’m really grateful that you’re talking to me right now. I am. I got you the skydive certificate because I remember how much you loved it. And I’m sure you still do.
“So, for letting me take your son to the game, I wanted to give you something I knew you’d like… And, to be honest, I wanted you to know I remember and that I’m thoughtful—and that I’m sorry.”
Michele was stuck. She didn’t want to take too long to respond; it would give the impression of uncertainty. But she didn’t want to answer so quickly, either; it would give the impression of surrender. She was somewhere in between, and that wasn’t easy to convey.
After several seconds, she spoke. “Solomon, it’s hard for me to not be straight up with you—and that’s what I expect from you. Can I expect the truth, no matter what the answer to the question is?”
“Yes,” Solomon said. He wasn’t happy about having to answer that question, but he realized that he created doubt in Michele.
“Well, I actually want to trust you. I do,” she said. “But I can’t afford to get hurt. That’s a part of life, but I can’t set myself up for it. I loved you and you walked away from me. How could you do that?”
As smart as Solomon was and as much as he wanted to have a real conversation with Michele, he was not ready for that question. And, really, no amount of preparation could have made him ready. So, he dug down deep and gave her his truth.
“First, I gotta say I’m sorry again, Michele,” he said. “I feel embarrassed and ashamed that I did that to you. At the time, it was not the thing to do, but I truly believed it was the right thing to do for me.
“Not because I didn’t care about you—you know I did, I hope. But because…I have had a problem trusting people in general, but women in particular. My position has always been that a woman will eventually disappoint you. So, I told myself that before I got disappointed by you, I would leave.”
“And you think that makes sense?”
“No, I don’t,” he answered. “All this time later, it sounds stupid. But I’m a different person now. Well, maybe not even a different person, but definitely a more mature person. I thought I had it together back then, but I can see now—by the way I was thinking—that I didn’t.
“I promise you, this has been a struggle for me, knowing I hurt you like that. You were nothing but great to me. Seeing you at the banquet…it made the light switch come on. I tried to block you out so I wouldn’t have to think about what I did. But most of the time, it didn’t work. To see you again brought all those feelings of being stupid and selfish, cowardly and shameful—I felt all that as soon as I realized it was you.
“But I also felt a sensation. It was like the sun was shining on me. Through all that shame and embarrassment, I felt good about seeing you. You know, excited. Hopeful.”
“But is this about redeeming yourself with me or…well, what is it about?” Michele asked.
“I can’t lie,” Solomon said. “It definitely is about redeeming myself. You don’t do that to people. It’s hard to swallow that I let other women’s actions change who I should’ve been. But here’s the thing: If I didn’t really care for you so much, redeeming myself wouldn’t be as important—the true redemption, for me, comes with finding out if we still have that great connection.”
“Solomon, are you telling me that here in Atlanta, where women are in overabundance, you don’t have a girlfriend?”
“No, I don’t,” he said. “I date—well, I did date. But since I saw you, I haven’t had the urge to see another woman. And that’s the truth. In fact, I had a date set for the night I saw you. After that, I cancelled it.”
“Why?” Michele asked.
“Because it would’ve been a waste of time,” Solomon answered. “I don’t have a serious interest in anyone else. I have women I saw because I’m a man and I like women; we all need companionship. They are good women. But I don’t really trust women, so I got only so close emotionally.
“But there was never that special something that we had. There were never moments like we had when I laughed till I cried. No moments when I would stare at someone while she slept, wondering what she was dreaming about.”
“You did that?”
“I did, a few times,” he said. “I think, Michele, the honest reality is that I was afraid of you. I wasn’t ready for you. I was 25, 26 and just, you know, out there. Then you came along and I felt all connected to you. But I’m thinking, ‘She’s too good to be true. The shoe will drop.’ And I’ll be disappointed and hurt because that’s what happened to me many times before.”
“That’s no way to live, Solomon.”
“I know. I know that now. At the time, my mindset was effed up. It’s hard for a man to admit this, but I’ll be real with you. I was hurt several times by females, starting when I was a teenager. I came to believe that’s what women will do to me, and I was scared of feeling that hurt and disappointment again. So, somewhere in my mind I decided to not get too close or care too much. Just get what I wanted out of it and leave. It was stupid, but it was a way to protect myself.”
“So why didn’t you try to reach me when you realized you messed up?”
“To say what? Sorry? Forgive me? I was sick in the head?”
“That’s exactly what you’re telling me now,” Michele said. “The exact same thing.”
“Yes, but it is the truth,” Solomon said. “I never thought I’d see you again. But I never hoped I’d never see you again. I could go long stretches blocking all this out. Then one day I saw this woman on the opposite side from me at Lenox Square Mall. It looked like you so much. I tried to get a better look, but I lost her in the crowd.
“But it made me very curious. So I called your home number— I remembered it—but it was disconnected. I had changed phones about five times and somewhere in there I lost your cell number.”
“So what do you want from me now?” Michele said.
“I want to hang out with you, have a cocktail or two, chat, enjoy the moment. And I want to sweep you off your feet so you can see how I grew up from back then. And anything in between.
“But right now, I want to take you to lunch next week.”
Michele knew what she was going to do, but refused to give in. “Well, I have to think about it, Solomon. Let’s talk again in a few days.”
“Fair enough. In a few days.”
Those few days passed by slowly for both of them. Solomon’s days were particularly mundane; he avoided the four-woman rotation he negotiated before Michele. Prior to their unlikely reconnection, Solomon went round and round between them, a carousel of meaningless and misleading sex.
But he needed the women for a number of reasons, reasons he did not truly contemplate until those days waiting to have lunch with Michele. The more Texas margaritas he consumed, the more honest he was with himself.
So, Solomon sipped cocktails and spewed truths. He confessed to himself that he juggled women because he did not like being alone—a hard reality for someone who claimed he did not care much for people; that despite the confidence he showed, there was an underlying insecurity that needed women to validate his worth; that he loved sexually pleasing women and being pleased, but only physically—not for an emotional charge because he could not put his emotions in a position to be influenced by women.
Above all, he surmised that there was something wrong with all that, something wrong with him.
By the fourth drink, he figured it out:
He did not have a soul.
That revelation saddened him, for a moment. He asked himself: Where did it go? How did it go? His spirits quickly changed when the next revelation arrived: Regaining Michele’s love would be tantamount to regaining his soul.
And so his commitment was redoubled. If it were not 1:37 a.m., he would have called Michele right then. But considering the impact the liquor had on his mind, it was a good thing that he got to sleep it off and start fresh the next day.
If he had called, Michele would have answered. Unlike Solomon, who could not find his friend Ray to be a sounding board, Michele unloaded all her conflicting emotions on Sonya, who was a willing listener.
“So you think I should go out with him?” Michele asked Sonya. “Forget all about what he did to me?”
“In a word, ‘yes,’” she answered. “What are you proving by going against your heart? You’ve been basically miserable for eight years. If you didn’t have Gerald, you’d be crazy—and driving me crazy.
“Here’s a man who is open about making a mistake and apologizing for it. Most guys won’t even apologize for not opening the door for you. From what you have told me, Solomon has been almost overly apologetic.
“So I say, again, give him a chance. Because he did something years ago doesn’t mean he’ll do it again—or that you shouldn’t forgive him. If you let your son go out with him, then why not you?”
Her cousin made perfect sense, but Michele learned something about herself: She was not a chance-taker.
“Honestly, the easy thing for me to do is to go on with my life,” she said. “There’s no risk in that—I know what that’s like.”
“Well, you can—and will—do what you want,” Sonya said. “But to go on with your life when you’re not happy with it…well, that doesn’t show me a lot. Here’s my last point and I’m done with it: There’s something called risk-reward. The bigger the risk, the bigger the reward. Sometimes, that’s what it comes down to in life. To me, there’s something exciting about that. And whenever we can throw excitement into our lives, how can that be bad?”
Sonya then got up, hugged her cousin and left Michele in her home to deal with her dilemma. She was in a struggle with two sides of herself, and they were at a stalemate. When she finally pulled herself off the couch near 2 a.m., she stopped by Gerald’s room to look in on him.
She stood in the doorway and watched him sleep soundly. Her existence was about providing and protecting Gerald. Michele threw herself into him partly so she would not have to deal with her loneliness.
The reality was that no man before or after Solomon even dented her sensibilities. She dated because it was, basically, a necessary evil. It had become so droll until it eventually became unimportant. Men bored her with talk of themselves or talk of nonsense; lack of chivalry or overly aggressive; so smart they were dumb in relating and so dumb they were intolerable.
The monotony and predictability of men changed her. She was audacious enough to jump out of an airplane, but scared to accept a date with the one man who actually moved her to emotional and intellectual heights.
The sadness of all that rushed to her brain as she looked at her son, and she shook her head. Her eyes watered—she loved little Gerald so much that she could become emotional about him in an instant. But the question she posed to herself was this: Do I love myself enough to take a risk to get the reward I deserve?
She had many girlfriends over the years that sabotaged their relationships because, in essence, they didn’t believe they deserved the happiness they had. Michele deduced that she was doing the same thing to herself by hanging on to what Solomon did or might do as opposed to what he would do toward her happiness.
That thought allowed her to crawl into bed feeling differently about herself and the prospects of her life. If Solomon truly wanted her back, she was going to give him a chance to show it.
And that idea helped her to lay in bed with her eyes closed and her heart open.