Ruth forced herself to stop crying. She’d known they couldn’t stay in limbo forever, but she hadn’t expected divorce papers on this trip.
She finally gazed into Gideon’s eyes. He was the only man she’d ever loved, and her chest tightened until she struggled to breathe. “Are you seeing someone?” she whispered.
“Ruthie . . .” Gideon took off his hat and pulled a handkerchief from his pocket, then dabbed at the sweat pooling on his forehead.
Ruth squeezed her eyes closed, wishing she hadn’t asked, and wishing he hadn’t called her Ruthie. He’d been the only one to ever call her that, and it made his hesitation to answer hurt even more.
“We haven’t communicated in over four years, not even a letter.” He paused as he put his hat back on. “Why are you even asking me that when you don’t think we have anything to talk about?”
Gideon had moved on. She could tell by his continued avoidance of the question. She looked at the white envelope. Why prolong the inevitable by hashing everything out? This trip was about reconnecting with her family and trying to capture moments of joy and focus on the good memories. Esther warned her about the papers so she wouldn’t be caught off guard. But she’d completely unraveled, and she’d done so in front of Gideon.
Ruth thought her heart might explode, and she wondered if Gideon could see it pounding against her chest. She had chosen not to date anyone, but it was wrong of her to assume Gideon hadn’t found someone to share his life with.
“I’ll look over the papers and get them back to you.” Her voice sounded small and fragile, even to herself. She always thought if she ever saw Gideon again she would portray herself as the strong woman she was before Grace’s accident.
“Ruthie . . .”
She squeezed her eyes closed again, then opened them wide as her chest tightened even more.
Gideon rubbed his forehead. “Does it even matter if I’m seeing someone else?”
Her husband still had a long dark beard. She’d noticed it when she first saw him. It had given her hope that he wasn’t pretending to be single. She wondered if he would shave it after they were divorced.
She wanted to tell him that it did matter, but this was all too much to process. Visiting Grace was hard enough. Seeing Gideon was a welcomed reunion at first. No matter how badly they treated each other after Grace and Mae died, there was a bond between them. Parents have an unbreakable connection, but also an understanding when bereaved. Facing divorce, something she didn’t even believe in, should have been on her radar, but couldn’t it have waited? He must be in love with someone else.
She said good-bye and closed her door, then backed out of the small parking area without looking back. She drove around for thirty minutes, long enough to stop crying.
Even though she and Gideon weren’t living a married life God would approve of, they were still married. She’d been asked out plenty of times in Florida, but she declined every invitation. She was married. But apparently being legally and spiritually bound hadn’t stopped Gideon from finding someone else. His evasive answer—Does it really matter?—seemed to confirm he was in love with another woman, thus the need for a divorce.
When she turned into Esther and Amos’s driveway, her heart sank. There were buggies everywhere. Ruth forgot Esther and her mother had a group of women coming today to work on wedding preparations for their childhood friends, Ben and Annie. Even though the wedding wasn’t until October, an Amish wedding was a big deal, and there was a lot to be done, just like weddings in the outside world. This was the last thing Ruth wanted to be around, but she was sure her sister and the other women already heard her pull in the driveway.
She shuffled toward the front door, which was open, and as she stepped across the threshold, the breeze at her back, she inhaled the smell of cookies baking. Her mother was the first to greet her with a hug. Ruth told her last night at supper that she would be visiting Grace today.
“I think everyone knows mei dochder, Ruth, ya?” Her mother waved an arm around the room.
Ruth forced herself to smile as she glanced at the women. In unison the ladies and girls—about twelve of them—flashed a smile as if on cue.
“It’s great to be here,” Ruth said, wishing she could get back in the car and head to the airport. But then she locked eyes with Esther, who wasn’t smiling. She knew Ruth well enough to know something was wrong.
After everyone settled back into a conversation about the wedding, Ruth sat quietly, her insides swirling with anxiety, her heart pumping faster than it should. Occasionally, the women brought her into the conversation and asked an opinion about the meal to be served or items the bride and groom might need to start their lives. Ruth had known Annie and Ben all her life, and she wanted to be happy about this wedding, but her own marriage was ending, and the chatter was becoming torturous. But didn’t my marriage end five years ago?
Every time the conversation shifted to anything about children, someone quickly redirected the topic. They didn’t want to say anything about Grace. Even last night with her parents, Esther, Amos, and Becky—her immediate family—no one mentioned Grace.
Ruth wanted to remind everyone that Grace had lived, been loved, and existed. It was worse for everyone to work so hard at avoiding any mention of her. People back in Florida didn’t know Grace. Friends and coworkers listened, commented, and were generally sympathetic when Ruth spoke about her only child. But this was Grace’s family and people who knew her well, the diary keepers of the short life she’d lived. These loved ones held the fond recollections and happy memories Ruth wanted to take home with her.
After what seemed like hours, Becky came bouncing down the stairs, her unmanageable blonde curls flying loose from her prayer covering, the way they’d done since Ruth arrived. Esther met her daughter at the stairs and whispered something in her ear. Becky walked directly to Ruth while the ladies continued talking.
Becky whispered in Ruth’s ear, “I collect the eggs in the mornings, but I didn’t this morning because there was a snake in front of the coop.” She glanced around and saw that no one was paying attention to her. “Will you come with me?” The child reached for Ruth’s hand.
Ruth glanced at Esther, who offered her a weak smile. This was surely Esther’s idea to save her, and Ruth was more than happy to oblige Becky’s request.
Her niece held her hand tightly all the way to the chicken coop, then squeezed as she pointed with her other hand. “That’s where the snake was.”
Becky’s hand trembled in Ruth’s, but the instincts of motherhood were still there. Ruth was equally as afraid of snakes, but it was her job to squash the girl’s fear. She squatted down in front of her beautiful niece.
“I know snakes look very scary, and some of them are dangerous, but the only snakes I ever saw when I lived here were chicken snakes, and they won’t hurt you.”
Becky sighed, then swatted at a fly buzzing their heads. “Will you be here for Ben and Annie’s wedding?”
Ruth stood and brushed off her jeans. “Um, nee.” Again she slipped into her native dialect. “I’m only going to be here a week.”
Becky pushed her lips into a pout. “That’s not very long.”
“I know. But maybe I’ll visit more often.” It was much too soon to know when she would return. A lot of things could happen while she was here. She thought about the white envelope in the car that she hadn’t opened yet. Would divorce give her some closure and allow her to move on, the way Gideon had? Would it be easier to visit this place where she grew up? Or did divorce have less to do with it? Would the healing forces of time make things easier? She wasn’t sure.
After Ruth searched around the coop for snakes, she and Becky went inside. Her niece picked up a small basket and they collected the eggs. They worked quietly for a while before Becky spoke.
“Why don’t you and Gideon live in the same place?” Becky stretched her neck up to look at Ruth. “Is it because your daughter, Grace, died?”
Ruth blinked a few times. “I suppose that’s part of it.” She had no plans to divulge her marital issues to a five-year-old and hoped to redirect the conversation, but Becky spoke up again.
“Mamm said Grace was beautiful and very smart and gut at numbers. Daed said a terrible thing happened to her and her mammi, but that it was Gott’s will for them to go to heaven.” She cocked her head to one side, frowning. “Do you think so?”
Ruth had spent a long time struggling to accept that Grace’s and Mae’s deaths were God’s will, but she finally had. She learned in her support group that not everyone believed the way the Amish did. Part of Ruth would always be Amish no matter where she lived or what religion she practiced.
“Ya. I guess I do.”
When the basket was full, they secured the chicken coop and started back to the house, the last place Ruth wanted to go. Becky stopped abruptly, looking up at Ruth again.
“Do you want to see mei garden? It’s not big like Mamm’s, but she let me do it by myself.”
“I’d love to see your garden.”
Ruth carried the basket of eggs, and Becky latched on to her free hand. “Will you tell me about Grace? She is mei cousin, right?”
Ruth’s first instinct was to shelter the child from the tears that would surely spill. Instead she pictured Grace skipping across the yard and kicking her feet high in the swing to Ruth’s right. Talking about Grace would create happy memories of this time with Becky—a winning combination.
“I would love to tell you all about Grace.” She smiled down at the precious little girl.
For the next half hour, Ruth sat with her niece in the grass beside Becky’s small garden and told her about Grace. Her niece glowed the entire time, asked questions, and laughed at some of Grace’s adventures. She especially liked the story about how Grace taught herself to ride a unicycle.
“Her daed found the one-wheel bike at a yard sale,” Ruth said as she finished the story. “Grace wanted to ride it to school, but she couldn’t keep her balance since she had books and a lunchbox.” She chuckled. “But it didn’t keep her from trying for over a week.”
They were both laughing when a white truck turned in the driveway. Ruth’s mood sobered right away.
Gideon.