(Larry)
The thing is, while I’m admittedly not the most aware and enlightened guy, I was beginning to notice something about Ishmael. Basically, he wasn’t even paying attention to Liz at all. Like she might not even have been there as far as he was concerned. I know I’m a little biased, because we were having some major chemistry in the middle of that epic dinosaurs vs. robot war going on all around us. I suppose it’s only natural. But Ishmael could obviously give a crap.
Which is why I was absolutely struggling to hold it in while, as Ishmael and Robot Head and I were discussing our next moves, Liz was doing a status check on the giant piece of supersweet machinery we were hiding behind. She might be from some screwed up barbarian apocalypse time, but she’s got a lot going on. Aside from being one hell of a kisser.
Yeah, I was still pretty charged up on that.
But back to business. As we were all worried about how the hell were going to move 15 clicks through all sorts of robot hell and get to that Citadel, Liz was figuring out some pretty interesting things about the Gonzo-Destructo Mech.
First of all, it’s not a self-actuated robot in its own right. It’s a giant robot that’s driven by a smaller, person-sized robot. And it turned out that the driver robot was what was taken out when the Orb’s head exploded. I guess his super weird mind bolts shot straight at the thinking circuits, or something? And the mech itself wasn’t the thinker, the driver robot was.
I have no idea why the Cyberian Imperium thought it was a good idea to design their equipment like that, but it was fantastically convenient for us. Fantastically, unbelievably convenient.
Just as I was looking at the total shitstorm of robot on dinosaur violence we were going to have to wade through thinking, dammit, I wish we had a ride, Liz was like, “I think that can be arranged.”
She had the Gonzo-Destructo Mech powered up and on its feet before I could even finish complaining about how impossible getting to the Field Generator in the Citadel was going to be.
It was a little awkward, because Ishmael and I were standing on the giant robot as Liz started moving it around. I had my hands full, with my severed, regular-sized robot head and my creepy severed hand with the Key that was either going to fix everything, or erase several hundred years of human history. I kind of slid down the side of the Mech’s arm just as Liz brought it up to standing.
Ishmael, on the other hand, was pretty pissed. He climbed all the way up to the shoulder and tried to peel open the hatch to get inside.
“You don’t understand!” he was shouting. “This is my thing! This is what I’ve always been meant to do!”
It was hilarious.
There was no way he was going to get that cockpit hatch open. It was sealed for battle, and Liz wasn’t messing around.
While Ishmael was on the one shoulder, the giant Mech’s hand grabbed me and put me on the other shoulder. Liz was a natural. Not only was Ishmael able to maintain his perch during that whole maneuver, I was not squished into silly putty. I was a little worried about that, but just for a minute. It was just so awesome to be able to ride on the shoulder of a Mech like that. (I may have played Battletech once or twice in junior high. Don’t judge.)
So, as Ishmael was keeping his bitchfest going about how he was the oldest, he should be driving, Liz just put that puppy in gear.
I bobbed up and down with each step of the machine. Liz kept it going in a steady rhythm, pounding the earth with each footstep, but not so savagely that we’d be shaken off. It rocked. There’s no other word for it. I couldn’t help but hum that Black Sabbath song Beavis and Butthead love as we cut through the battle raging around us. “Duh-duh, duh-duh-duh. Duddha-duddha-duddha duh duh duh!”
I’m not sure if I expressed the size of the robot we were riding clearly. It’s hard to judge, because I don’t really think of things in terms of feet or meters. Let’s just say the Gonzo-Destructo Mech was easily twice as tall as the T-Rexes that were running around.
A few of the T-Rexes made the mistake of attacking us. Liz just put a palm forward and shot a jet of super robot fire at them. It was like she was flash frying a giant chicken. And when she wasn’t frying them, she was just stepping on them like she absolutely didn’t give a shit. Which maybe she didn’t.
We were making good time, and the robot armies all gave us plenty of room. Either they thought we were on their side, or they had a good knowledge of the Mech’s specifications and just kept the hell out of the way.
“Liz, you are so hot right now,” I said.
“I could be even hotter,” she said. “Only you’re sitting on the missile launcher exhaust ports and I’d rather not melt you. But don’t test me.”
“Yes, ma’am.”
We were making excellent time.
While Ishmael kept whining about Tranzor Z and whatever over on the other shoulder, I was pumping the robot butler’s head for information. He was actually pretty forthcoming. He seemed more afraid of the dinosaurs “precluding humanity and thence Cyberia” than anything I could possibly do to him. He told me exactly what I needed to know. I still didn’t trust it, but I didn’t have anything better to go with. It was the Hail Mary of Hail Marys. It would either work, or we’d be dead.
It was then that I realized just how much I’d grown since crapping my pants in that sewer earlier on. Basically, I noticed that I wasn’t crapping my pants at that moment, and we were way more screwed.
Liz kept kicking dinosaur ass all the way to the walls of the Citadel. As we got closer it looked like there might be a couple obstacles in the way of getting me to Field Generator. And, by obstacles, I mean two more Gonzo-Destructo Mechs.
“Sorry guys,” said Liz. “I’m going to need those missile launchers. Slide down the arms to the elbows.”
“Your shitting me,” I said. “I’ve got my hands full.”
“Let me go, Larry,” said the robot head. “There’s no more I can tell you.”
“But... but, I always wanted a robot head.”
“Don’t be stupid,” said Ishmael as he shimmied down the giant left arm.
A panel opened up where he had been sitting revealing rack after rack of mini-missiles ready for Liz to pull the trigger.
“Effin’ A,” I said. “All right robot. You’ve been pretty decent to me, but I’ve got to see those puppies in action.”
I chucked the robot head out into the battle below. I hoped he’d land on something relatively soft, but who was I kidding. It was bittersweet. He had tried to tear my arm out of its socket to get at the Key. But, he’d also been pretty cool about being reduced to just a head.
I slipped the Key into my waistband and scooted down the arm near me. There were lots of cables and wires and things to hold on to as I made my way.
“I’m going to jump,” said Liz.
“What?”
“There’s a map in here,” she said. “The Citadel really isn’t that big. A simple walled fort with the Field Generator right in the middle of it. Hold on.”
The Mech picked up speed as we rushed to the wall. At the last moment, it jumped. As it was in midair, Liz sent a shower of shoulder missiles at each of the two other Mechs. It goes without saying that the jig was up. If the robots hadn’t figured out our Mech was a rogue agent before, they knew for sure now.
When Liz hit the ground, we weren’t all that far from the Field Generator. The Citadel was a clean, modern, robot death-fort without much clutter, so we had a clear shot. Unfortunately the impact of landing that super robo-jump had shaken both me and Ishmael loose from our perches. We spilled our asses all over the deck as Liz brought the Gonzo-Destructo Mech up into ready position.
The other two Mechs were shaking the dust off and turning to see just what the flip was going on. They were pretty dented up from the missile barrage, but still operational.
“We don’t have a lot of time,” said Ishmael. “You know what to do?”
“Dude,” I said, “I never waste time knowing what to do. I just do it.”
Ahead of us, pretty much in the dead center of the fort, was a giant knobby metal pyramid thing with a faint blue glow dripping out of the vents and cracks and stuff. It was pretty obvious that’s where the Field Generator had to be, so we started hauling off for it. I pulled the Key thing out of my pants. The hand attached to it had lost a couple fingers in the impact. I sincerely hoped they weren’t rolling around in my chonies, but who had time to check?
Ishmael lay down some covering fire with the blaster rifle he’d picked up earlier. But, honestly, there really weren’t any robots around, aside from the two Mechs Liz was going hand to hand with.
I wish I could have watched that more closely than just the few stray glimpses I caught over my shoulder. She was wailing on them with an ass-kicking of such creative fury and ingenuity, I just wanted to get to know her better so I’d know how to stay on her good side. The woman was a force of nature, a hurricane unto herself, a Nirvana song embodied in human form driving a giant robot and beating the ever-living crud out of other giant robots. I had never witnessed anything so beautiful. If only I could have sat and watched, but there was shit needed to get done.
Ishmael and I made it to the base of the pyramid, but we were at a bit of a loss. It might not have been a full-size pyramid, but even a 1/16 scale pyramid was a lot to take in at once.
“I guess we look for a door or a keyhole or something?”
“And we’d better find it pretty quick,” said Ishmael. “Look.”
Liz had slammed one of the other Mechs into the Citadel wall so hard the wall split. There was a huge V of torn and bent metal, split from the top to about three quarters down. It was big enough for the dinosaurs to start spilling through.
“Damn,” I said. “Remember that universal key fob remote thingy?”
“Yeah.”
“Pretty awesome if we had that right now.”
“Yeah?” said Ishmael, kind of hopeful, like he was wondering if I had it in my pocket or something.
“But we don’t.”
“Shut up and keep looking,” he said. “Just shut up. And keep looking.”