‘There is absolutely no way I will allow you to go to The Midnight Nest,’ Mother says over breakfast the next morning.
She still eats her usual breakfast of porridge. Only now, we have the displeasure of her company at the dining table.
‘It is one thing for your sister to go, accompanied by a respected chaperone, but for you? You are only a child and there is no one to take you.’ She drones on, but I stop listening. I am awfully tired from last night’s excursion with Rudi.
At the thought of our argument last night, my chest tightens into a knot. It was horrible to hear him speak about me in such a way, to hear that he thinks that I am naïve … And maybe I spoke out of turn too. I was quite harsh in my assessment of his romantic pursuits. Is that really how I feel, or was it more that I was envious of his freedom and how he chooses to use it?
‘Clementine, are you listening to me?’ Mother’s sharp tongue cuts through my thoughts and draws me back to the rather grey and unappetising bowl of porridge in front of me.
My eyes meet Mother’s as they narrow to slits.
‘Foolish girl, your head is always in the clouds,’ she chastises. ‘It will do you no good there.’
Grace, who has been looking nervously between the two of us, opens her mouth to speak but I catch her eye and give my head the barest inch of a shake. There is no point arguing my case with Mother, it will only result in Grace losing her own privileges.
I spend the rest of the afternoon in my bedroom, practising my stretches. My legs are spread in a forward split across the wooden floor when Grace calls for me from the landing.
‘Clementine, would you mind giving me a little help with the fastening on this dress please?’
I huff, folding my legs and rising to standing once more. It feels rather heartless of Grace to ask my help when she knows I cannot join her, but I put my petty feelings of jealousy aside and dash to my sister’s aid.
When I reach her on the landing of the third floor, she is already dressed in a black silk crepe dress with embroidered pearls, one of her many new outfits from Archambeau’s. I open my mouth to speak, but she instantly hushes me and drags me into her bedroom.
‘Grace, what is going on?’ I ask, the moment she closes the door behind us.
‘Keep your voice down!’ she hisses. ‘There is no way I am leaving you behind tonight, Clem. I promised you that you could come with me, and I am not going to break that promise simply because Mother does not wish it.’
‘And how do you propose we get past her?’ I ask, folding my arms across my middle.
‘It’s simple. She takes a sleeping pill around seven o’clock. She will be out like a light by eight. I’ll head over to August’s around half past seven, then you come and call for us at eight, once Mother is definitely asleep.’
She looks at me from wide, shining eyes as if it were the most brilliant plan.
‘What if she wakes up?’ I ask.
‘She won’t.’
‘What if the neighbours see me leave? What if Mrs Arbuthnot sees? We all know she can’t keep a secret, and now she’s got the excuse of the neighbourhood lookout to spy on us at her leisure.’
‘Oh, what if, what if, what if!’ Grace sighs exasperatedly. ‘Clem, do you want to come or not? You can’t live your life worrying about what might happen and miss everything that could await you if you just took a risk.’
This strikes me as a very un-Grace thing to say. She never takes a risk. Everything she does is calculated and rational. She must really want me to come with her tonight. I take a deep breath and close my eyes. I picture myself in a Soho jazz bar … it is difficult as I have never been to one, but the image in my mind is dark, sumptuous and smoky … couples dance close together, swaying to a lively piano tune. Rudi’s face appears before my eyelids and I feel my heart jolt in surprise. I feel a tug of regret in my chest as I open my eyes again. I wish I hadn’t told him not to come. Grace is looking at me expectantly.
‘Well …?’ she asks impatiently, practically dancing from foot to foot.
‘OK, let’s do it.’ I grimace as she whoops and flings her arms around me. ‘What happened to keeping the noise down?’ I remind her, and she turns bashful.
‘Sorry, I’m just so excited. It will be like old times, Clem. You and me, on an adventure. The inseparable sisters!’
I offer her a weak smile and squeeze her hands. Now I can tell how much this means to her, I suddenly feel like I have been quite awful to her recently. Too wrapped up in my own envy to realise that perhaps the thing that has been missing recently, the reason I feel so restless and out of sorts, is because I have missed the nearness of my dear sister.
As Grace predicted, Mother takes her sleeping pill at seven o’clock. Grace checks in on her at quarter past the hour before heading to August’s. She stops by my bedroom before she leaves and pokes her head around the door.
‘She could barely keep her eyes open!’ she whispers to me. ‘She will be fast asleep in ten minutes, but perhaps still wait until eight, just to be sure.’
A momentary flare of jealousy threatens to lash out for a second. I can’t help thinking that she wants to keep August all to herself for as long as possible before I join them, but then I remember how happy she had been at the prospect of me coming out tonight, and I feel immediately guilty. I swallow the bubble of envy and give her a nod as I smile encouragingly.
‘I’ll see you very shortly,’ I whisper back and she grins before closing the door softly behind her.
The moment she is gone, I begin rifling through my wardrobe for something to wear. Most of my clothes are unsuitable for any evening affair, as I’d never had the opportunity to go to anything even remotely formal until August’s sudden appearance in our lives. I push the hangers back and forth, feeling thoroughly uninspired. I pull out the same black dress three times, then huff and replace it in the wardrobe. It is a hand-me-down of Grace’s; she wore it to our great aunt Nora’s funeral a few years ago, which is what is putting me off wearing it tonight. However, it really looks as if I have no other options. I could make it look a little less mournful with the addition of some jewellery. I slip the dress over my head and zip up the back. It is a trifle too short for me these days, the hem falling just below my knees, no matter how much I tug at it. It doesn’t look as awful as I had expected though. I spin slowly in front of the mirror and run my hands over the rayon material to smooth the creases. I creep upstairs to Grace’s room in search of some jewellery to pilfer. She has a box of costume jewellery atop her chest of drawers, and I am sure she won’t mind if I borrow something for tonight, considering she is already dressed and waiting for me.
I rifle through the kaleidoscope of gems, picking out different necklaces and holding them up to the dress, but none of them look quite right. My fingers linger on a string of fake pearls; I don’t think I have ever seen Grace wear them. Perhaps they were a gift that she wasn’t so keen on, in which case I am sure she won’t mind me borrowing them. I unhook the clasp and loop them around my neck, wincing slightly at the chill against my neck. They transform the dress from dowdy to sophisticated. As I am already feeling quite reckless, I recover my hidden Belle Rose lipstick and paint my lips in the lovely pink colour, then slip out of the front door as quietly as I can.
August opens the front door with a welcoming smile. ‘Good evening, Clementine. I am so glad you could join us tonight.’
He sounds sincere and I feel the heat rising in my cheeks as I bow my head and enter the hallway as Grace appears. ‘Oh, Clementine, you made it!’ She beams, giving me a hug and then taking a step backwards. ‘You look beautiful … Oh, is that my necklace?’ she asks, looking slightly affronted.
‘Y-yes, sorry,’ I stammer. ‘I didn’t think you would mind. I can take it off.’
I start to fiddle with the clasp, and she looks conflicted. ‘No, it’s fine.’ She smiles tightly. ‘I wasn’t wearing it anyway.’
‘Good, now that’s decided, shall we get going?’ August says, grabbing Grace’s coat off the hook and passing it to her.
She nods and smiles convincingly enough for August, but I cannot shake the feeling that something about the pearl necklace has upset her.
By the time we arrive at The Midnight Nest, my nerves are in tatters. I wish I hadn’t agreed to come. What use is it me being here if I simply watch August woo Grace all evening while she pretends to be enthralled. I don’t know what led me to make such an irrational decision. If Mother finds out I snuck out without her permission, the punishment will be severe. And what will it all have been for? Then I remember how desperately Grace had wanted me to come. I want to be a better sister to her. Half the reason I am doing this is to save her from a fate she does not deserve. I tug at the hem of my dress, my head hung low, as we join the queue of excited people, all dressed in their finery and fizzing with anticipation to enter the club.
‘Clem, I feel awful for dragging you out,’ Grace mutters beside me, squeezing my fingers. ‘I thought you would enjoy it! You should have said if you didn’t want to come.’
‘I do, honestly!’ I insist, perking up in a bid to not disappoint her. ‘We are going to have such a fun evening, just you wait.’
Her gaze lifts over my shoulder and her expression brightens. ‘I think you certainly are.’ She grins, nodding in the direction of the doorway.
I turn around to see what she is talking about. Rudi is leaning against the brick wall, one leg crossed over the other as he smokes a cigarette and passes the time of day with the bouncer. My heart lifts. Despite how cross I was with him the last time we spoke, and no matter how much I swore I didn’t need him tonight, I am beyond relieved to see his face. He must feel my eyes upon him because he turns and looks directly at me, his lips spreading into a repentant smile. He drops the cigarette, crushing it underfoot, and waltzes down the queue to meet us.
‘Solnyshko,’ he murmurs, taking my hand and kissing me on the cheek. ‘I am sorry for what I said last time we saw one another. Will you please forgive me and accept me as your chaperone for the evening?’
‘I would be delighted,’ I say, grinning from ear to ear.
‘Solnyshko?’ August interjects, and for the first time I find his American accent quite grating. ‘What does that mean?’
‘Little sunshine,’ Rudi says, his eyes still glued to mine. ‘For that is what she is.’ He finally looks at the others. ‘Come on, there’s no need to queue. I befriended the bouncer while I was waiting for you and he’ll let us jump ahead.’
We bundle past a few disgruntled people in the queue and I smile apologetically over my shoulder as Rudi parades to the entrance. After a few words of Russian, the bouncer lifts the rope, allowing us instant access to the club. It is so dark inside, it takes a moment for my eyes to adjust, and my nose prickles at the thick haze of smoke that twists its way through the air. Girls in short dresses bustle by on their way to the stage, the tassels of their fringed costumes swishing as they swan a sultry trail through the dance floor. The back wall is taken up with a long, polished bar, six or seven waiters dashing to and fro behind it, attempting to keep up with the waves of punters, all clamouring for a drink.
‘What does everyone want?’ August asks, gesturing towards the bar. ‘Champagne?’
I have never had champagne before. Champagne is a luxury that our family hasn’t been able to afford for far longer than I have been allowed to drink it. I look to Grace imploringly, but there is no need, she looks as excited at the prospect as I do, a wide grin spreading all the way to her gleaming eyes.
‘That would be lovely, thank you, August,’ she says, smoothing down her dress in an attempt to compose herself.
‘Rudolf?’ August asks, pasting on a smile. ‘Something stronger for the gentlemen?’
‘Vodka,’ Rudi replies, then his features contort into a more pleasant expression that looks like it possibly pains him. ‘Please.’
August nods and disappears in the direction of the bar as we file through the crowds, looking for a seat.
‘Who comes to a place like this to sit down?’ Rudi scoffs, his eyes wandering towards the dancers.
‘Play nice,’ I murmur in his ear and he readjusts his scowl into something more neutral.
We find a table and sit, waiting for August to reappear with refreshments. It isn’t long before he finds us, holding a tray of glasses and a metal bucket. He pours out two glasses of champagne for Grace and me, then hands the tumbler of vodka to Rudi.
‘Cheers to good company!’ he yells over the music, lifting his own glass of bourbon to meet ours.
‘Za nas!’ Rudi replies in his mother tongue and chucks the contents of his glass back in one.
I take a sip of champagne, and it is not what I expected. I had always thought it looked so enticing, like bubbling liquid gold, but the taste is sharp. I wrinkle my nose in distaste and put the glass back down.
‘Do you not like it?’ Grace asks beside me, and August looks my way, a slight frown marring his typically smooth brow.
‘Oh, no, it’s lovely!’ I lie, eager not to disappoint them. ‘I just want to savour it.’
‘Come on,’ Rudi says, rising to his feet. ‘You can “savour” your champagne later, let’s get on the dance floor.’
August leaps to his feet in agreement and bows to offer Grace his hand. She accepts and the two of them melt into the crowd almost instantly. I feel a pang of envy. I am completely out of my depth here, and no matter how much I would love for August to offer me his hand in such a way, I would not know what to do with the offer.
‘I don’t know how to dance to music like this,’ I say to Rudi, my shoulders sagging.
He offers me his hand and an encouraging smile. ‘I’ll teach you,’ he says simply, and I am so grateful to him for not taking the opportunity to recall how emphatically I had told him I didn’t need his help. He leads me towards the dance floor where Grace and August are already waltzing. My heart starts nervously hammering in my chest. I don’t want to make a fool of myself. My head turns this way and that, watching the couples all around us dancing with ease. I am sure none of them could land a pirouette, but this, they make look so easy. Rudi places a slender hand on my cheek and turns my attention back to him.
‘Don’t look at anyone else, solnyshko,’ he instructs, his hooded grey eyes steady and sincere. ‘Focus on me and you will forget your nerves, just like ballet.’
‘I have no idea what I am doing!’ I hiss as he places his hand on my waist.
‘Just listen to the music and follow my footsteps.’
I nod and begin to trace his movements, allowing him to lead me around the floor.
‘This feels so strange!’ I giggle and he tips his head to one side.
‘How so?’ he asks.
‘Well, usually you are the one to chase after me when we dance. I am not used to following you.’
‘I’ll try not to let it go to my head.’ He grins, lowering his gaze, his bronze curls gleaming beneath the dim lights of the club.
I smile, feeling safe in the arms of my best friend, and I stop worrying about onlookers and simply let my feet move to the rhythm of the music as Rudi guides me.
‘So, is all forgiven?’ he asks, glancing down at me.
I screw up my nose in response.
‘That is a “no” then, I take it?’ He smiles placidly as he lifts his arm and spins me on the spot, then pulls me closer to him, so close that he is all I can see, and I begin to feel a little dizzy.
I almost forget why I am mad as I breathe in his intoxicating scent, but I come to my senses at last. ‘You called me naïve for wishing to follow my dreams, Rudi,’ I remind him.
‘Your dream is to join the Vic-Wells Ballet Company, Clem,’ he replies slightly sternly. ‘Not to chase some gentleman who cares more about plants or wooing your sister than you.’
‘And what if I don’t make it before I turn eighteen?’ I ask, my voice catching in my throat. It is something I have lived with the fear of for so long, but never dared to speak aloud to Rudi. Perhaps the champagne has loosened my tongue.
‘What do you mean?’ he asks, almost forgetting his steps.
‘As soon as I turn eighteen, I will be expected to get a full-time job to provide an income. I won’t have time for ballet anymore. If I don’t marry August, I will either have to make it into the Vic-Wells Ballet in the next six months, or give up my dream forever.’
‘Why does it have to be August?’
‘Who else could it be? He’s wealthy, he’s looking to marry now, he would allow me to follow my dreams …’
‘I see …’ he muses, a far-off look in his eye. ‘But, Clem, you really don’t know this gentleman all that well. You have only just met him, you don’t know that he would allow you to continue your career. What if he refuses? Then you will be stuck with him.’
‘I don’t have a lot of other options.’ I swallow. ‘It’s a risk I must take.’
He looks down at me, perturbed, then gently lifts my chin. ‘I am not going to tell you it will be easy, solnyshko, but we will do everything in our power to win over that talent scout for the Vic-Wells Ballet. This performance of Giselle will be our best yet, our crowning glory. You don’t need a husband to achieve your dreams, you can do it yourself, with me of course.’
I suppose he is right, and I feel foolish for having never thought of it before. But it is more complicated than that. What about Grace? I can’t allow her to throw away her future with this marriage of convenience. It is my turn to make a sacrifice for her for once. My eyes linger on Rudi’s neck, and I find myself wondering how it would feel to rest my head on his shoulder, to feel his soft skin against my cheek as I breathe in his comforting scent. I must have laid my head on him a hundred times before without giving the action two thoughts, only now I am fixated, almost magnetised towards him.
When I don’t respond, his eyes meet mine, and my breath catches in my throat for a second.
‘Are you alright, Clem?’ he asks, his expression concerned.
‘I’m fine,’ I reply unsteadily, my heart faltering in my chest. ‘I just—’
‘Excuse me.’ A young, blonde girl taps Rudi on the shoulder. ‘Are you free for the next dance?’
Rudi’s posture stiffens a little. ‘I’m actually dancing with my friend at the moment,’ he says politely. ‘Perhaps later.’
‘No, please go ahead!’ I interject, eager to put some space between the two of us before I do anything silly.
I notice his lips press together slightly, but if he is disappointed he does not say so. The blonde girl is still waiting to see if Rudi will dance with her. I drop his hand and wind my way back to the table, picking up the glass of foul, fizzing liquid and gulping it down as I watch Rudi offer his hand to her.
I rise from my seat abruptly, tired of watching, and wander off in search of the bathroom. I push my way through the throngs of people; the air is so thick and hot, I am finding it hard to breathe. I finally make it out into the hallway and join the queue for the bathroom. It is cooler and quieter out here, just a couple of girls chattering in the queue ahead of me. Someone is crying in the corner, like her life depends on it, while her friend rubs her back, and a couple look like they are in a heated argument by the stairs. And then I do a double take; the arguing couple are in fact Grace and Jacob. I relinquish my place in the bathroom queue and sidle a little nearer to try and make out what they are saying.
‘What did you expect, Grace?’ he says with an air of frustration. ‘Did you think I would just wait around forever in case you change your mind? My parents have expectations of me too.’
‘No, of course I didn’t!’ she insists. I can’t see her face but there is a desperation in her voice. ‘Jacob, please can we not argue again?’
It strikes me as an odd thing to say. I have never seen Grace and Jacob argue; they have always got on so well. Sure, they squabble and pick at each other from time to time, but their relationship has always seemed so easy and comfortable, like mine and Rudi’s. I know I shouldn’t be listening in but I find myself clamouring for more information. I take another step towards them, but it is one too many. Jacob spots me and his expression immediately changes to something more jovial.
‘Clem!’ he says my name loudly, purposefully, and Grace turns around, her eyes are watery and wide with shock, but she still smiles.
I wave innocently and take a step towards them. ‘I thought it was you, Jacob,’ I say, trying to keep my voice from shaking. ‘What brings you here?’
His eyes linger on the pearls around my neck. ‘Nice necklace,’ he adds stiffly, his mouth drawing into a thin line. I do not understand the response these pearls bring about in people, but I shall never borrow them again. ‘I was here with a friend,’ he continues. ‘But I’m just leaving.’
‘Jacob, no,’ Grace pleads so quietly, I only just hear her above the music. ‘You don’t have to leave.’
‘Actually, I do,’ he says sincerely, holding her gaze.
I watch the way they look at each other, and much like when Rudi took me to the bakery to meet Anna, I feel like I am interrupting a moment so intimate that I should not be privy to it. I am about to shrink back into the shadows of the club, when Jacob breaks away from her at last, and returns his attention to me.
‘See you around, Clem.’ He smiles, though there is a resignation in his eyes. ‘Grace,’ he adds, with a curt nod in her direction, and then he is gone.
The moment he disappears, Grace seems to collapse in on herself a little, her head drooping, her arms loose at her sides. I take her hand in mine and she looks down at our interlaced fingers.
‘Grace, what is going on?’ I ask her, but she plasters a smile back on her face and squeezes my hand comfortingly.
‘Nothing, Clem,’ she tries to reassure me. ‘I think I am ready to go home though. Are you?’
I turn my attention back towards the dance floor where Rudi is now dancing energetically with a willowy girl with short, blonde hair. I glance around him, watching all the girls spin by with their partners, eager to be next in line for a dance with Rudi and I feel another rush of sickness. I wonder what Anna would think if she could see him now; it is evident that settling down couldn’t be further from Rudi’s mind.
‘Yes, I think so,’ I reply. ‘I feel a little nauseous. I’ll go and say goodbye.’
I push my way through the throngs of dancers towards Rudi. There are still several girls keeping a keen eye on him as they sway past with their partners. I tap him on the shoulder and he stops spinning for a second; the girl who was in his arms moments ago crosses her arms in annoyance.
‘Clementine!’ His face stretches into a huge smile. ‘Where did you go?’
‘I’m leaving,’ I say abruptly, and his face drops.
‘But we just got here.’
‘Well, I’m not having much fun, and Grace isn’t feeling well,’ I reply stiffly.
His sharp nose wrinkles. ‘Have I done something wrong?’
‘No, not at all. Though how I am supposed to make August jealous when my partner is dancing with every girl in the club, I do not know.’
‘You were the one who left the dance floor!’ he protests, looking affronted. ‘I thought we were having a nice time and then you ran off.’
‘We were not here to have a nice time, as you well know!’ I snap. He recoils, making me feel instantly guilty.
‘My apologies,’ he says formally, his eyes turning cold and hard like stone. ‘I have clearly allowed myself to get carried away into believing that not everything we do together revolves around August Draper.’
‘That was always the plan, Rudi. Your plan, might I add.’
‘You’re right, Clem.’ He nods, gazing into the distance just over my shoulder. ‘I suppose I allowed my own feelings to get in the way.’
My heart skips a beat. Feelings? Does Rudi have feelings for me? He can’t do; he is with Anna. Besides, he has known me since we were children. He has only ever seen me as a friend. That’s the only way anyone ever sees me.
I open my mouth to speak, but before I can say anything Grace appears and grabs my hand. ‘Come on, Clem. August has our coats. It’s time to go.’
I look back at Rudi, he is now standing alone. ‘Your dance partner has disappeared,’ I remark, and he shrugs indifferently.
‘I am sure I’ll find another.’
I don’t know why this bothers me so much, but it does, and I instantly feel foolish for even considering that Rudi might have been insinuating any romantic interest in me. I roll my eyes and turn away from him, following after Grace without looking back.