‘WHAT DO YOU WANT?’ Jaundice bellowed from the shadows. A half-chewed bone from something she’d eaten for dinner flew through the bars and just missed Neville’s head.
‘That’s enough of that!’ Bile ordered in his best I’m the leader around here voice. ‘Close your goblet.’
‘Who are you?’ Jaundice’s voice cackled.
‘Prison Officer Bile,’ said Bile.
‘Oh!’ Jaundice snickered. ‘I knocked the front teeth out of the last prison officer that told me to be quiet.’
Officer Bile gulped and took a step back towards the trollevator. ‘Well, Neville,’ he said. ‘I suppose I should leave you to talk to your grandmooma.’ Then he leaned in next to Neville’s ear and whispered, ‘Don’t get too close to the bars.’
Neville nodded.
‘I’m off to do my rounds of the other officers,’ Bile said as he hopped back into the trollevator. ‘Just give a yell when you’re done.’ With that, the basket disappeared below the landing platform, leaving Neville and Rubella alone at the top of the tower.
‘Well?’ came Jaundice’s voice again. ‘Aren’t you goin’ to come and say hello to your little ole grandmooma?’
Rubella walked over to the torch by the landing platform and took it down. Then she approached the bars. Neville gasped as the cell slowly filled with light. Lady Jaundice stood in the centre of the room, with the kind of smile on her face that a crocodile pulls just before it gobbles down its prey. The carrots on her shoulders and the twigs in her hair were massively overgrown and sprouted through her striped prisoner uniform like an abandoned garden. She was like a walking salad.
‘Hello, Grub,’ she said, not taking her eyes away from Neville.
‘Hello, Grandma,’ Neville said. ‘How’ve you been?’
‘HOW DO YOU THINK I’VE BEEN?’ Jaundice bellowed and ran at the bars. She banged them with her fists and growled like a wild animal. ‘WHAT DO YOU WANT, YOU LITTLE FOOZLE FART?’
‘Erm …’ Neville said. He noticed Jaundice was still wearing her elbow-length gloves and pearls. Some things never change.
‘Tell her,’ Rubella whispered, nudging Neville. ‘Tell her what happened.’
‘TELL ME WHAT?’
‘Well, Grandma … We need your help!’
Jaundice burst into fits of hysterical laughter. ‘You want me to help you? You must be knocked in the noggin.’
‘No, you don’t understand,’ Neville said, and ran right up to the bars of the cell. If his grandma knew a way to get Clod and Malaria out of the gundiskump, he had to make her listen.
‘WHAT don’t I understand?’ Jaundice hissed, pressing her pointy nose against Neville’s.
‘We were coming to visit you today because … because … well, because you’re the only person we can turn to.’
‘FAT CHANCE!’ Jaundice screamed. ‘I’d rather eat a bogle’s bumly bits than do somethin’ for a slug like you.’ Jaundice looked up the hallway to the landing platform, then back at Neville. ‘Where’s the rest of you, anyway? It’s been ages since I’ve made anyone cry.’
‘Well, that’s just it,’ Neville exclaimed. ‘On our way here, the boat got swallowed by a gundiskump … and Mooma and Dooda too.’
‘AND PONG!’ Rubella butted in. ‘AND PONG!’
‘Ha ha! I bet they tasted greasy,’ Jaundice chuckled to herself.
‘The old boat-troll said you might know a way to get them out. Please, Grandma Joan?’
Jaundice grabbed Neville by the collar of his sweater and lifted him into the air.
‘Don’t you ever call me by that name,’ she barked. ‘I AM LADY JAUNDICE!’
‘OK,’ Neville whimpered. ‘Please, Lady Jaundice … you have to help us.’
‘I MOST BLUNKIN’ WELL DON’T HAVE TO HELP YOU!’
‘Please.’ Neville started to cry as he dangled in his grandma’s hands.
‘EUUCH! You’re such a whelp,’ Jaundice said. ‘How did a grandson of mine turn out to be so nervish?’
‘THAT’S ENOUGH! LISTEN TO ME, YOU PUFFLUMPIN’, WRINKSOME, OLD GURNIP!’ Rubella shouted.
Lady Jaundice dropped Neville to the ground with a look of shock on her face. No one had ever stood up to her like that before.
‘IF YOU DON’T TELL US HOW TO GET OUR MOOMA AND DOODA OUT OF GREAT GURTY, I’M GOING TO COME IN THERE AND –’
‘What did you say?’ Jaundice’s face turned from shock to excitement.
‘I said I’m going to come in there and –’
‘No, no, no – before that. Did you say Great Gurty?’ Jaundice asked.
‘Yeah, why?’ Rubella looked confused.
‘Your folks were eaten by Great Gurty?’
‘Yes,’ Neville said, clambering back to his feet and wiping his eyes on the back of his sleeve.
‘I’ve changed my mind!’ Jaundice said. She looked like she was about to explode with excitement. ‘I’ll help you get your moomsie and doodsie.’
‘You will?’ said Neville. Something felt strange. ‘Why?’
‘They don’t call me “Marauder of the Mud Beds” for nothing, boy! I LOVE a challenge!’ Jaundice bellowed. ‘Great Gurty is famous to us seafolk.’
‘Tell us what we have to do,’ Rubella said. ‘How do we get them out?’
‘Oh, no,’ Jaundice said, crossing her spindly arms. ‘There’s a condition.’
‘What?’ said Neville.
‘I won’t tell you how to get your parents back, but I’ll show you.’
‘How?’ asked Rubella.
‘If you want to see your mooma and dooda again, you’ve got to break me out.’
‘What?’ Neville’s heart sank. ‘We can’t break you out of prison.’
Jaundice leaned through the bars as close to Neville as she could get. A leer spread across her face like a rash. ‘You scratch my warts and I’ll scratch yours.’