Prison Officer Bile was in the trollevator, swinging from guard post to guard post, when a loud rumpus started banging and echoing down the tower. He could hear shouting and screaming and all sorts of other horrible sounds. ‘Oh, pook,’ he grunted to himself, ‘that was the overling’s voice.’
Bile jammed the lever as far as it would go to take him to the top floor. ‘Stay away from the bars! STAY AWAY!!’
As the chain clanked and jangled the basket up against the landing platform, he peered around nervously for signs of the little boy and his chublet of a sister. Where were they? The landing torch had been extinguished and everything was very dark.
‘YOU’RE TOO LATE!’ Jaundice cackled from inside her cell.
‘What d’you mean?’ Bile asked as he clambered out of the trollevator. ‘Where’s that Neville?’
‘They got too close to the bars,’ Jaundice sneered. ‘I ATE THEM.’ Then she licked her lips with a sickening slurp.
‘What?’ said Bile. A look of horror spread across his face. ‘How?’
‘When you’re as old as I am, you can chomp your way through anythin’,’ Jaundice chuckled. Then she belched.
‘Oh, I’m in trouble,’ Bile whimpered, cradling his head in his hands. ‘I can’t have visitors being eaten on my watch. I’ll never be head officer now!’
‘Don’t you worry,’ said Jaundice with a knowing wink. ‘I won’t tell anyone. Who’d miss a lonely little overling, anyway?’
Bile thought for a moment. Maybe she had a point?
‘I saved the best bit for last,’ Jaundice teased. ‘His little left sock.’ She pointed to a small blue sock, discarded on the filthy floor just beyond her cell. ‘In all the rambunkin’ it flew through the bars and now I can’t get it. Please don’t take the left sock away, officer … please.’
A smile crept in at the corners of Bile’s mouth as the deliciously stinky scent of left sock tingled his nostrils.
‘I’m afraid I can’t let you have that,’ he said, trying to look official. ‘I can’t have you litterin’ up the hallways with bits of overling. I’ll have to take it away and … dispose of it.’
‘OH NO!’ Jaundice cried, dramatically slapping the back of her hand against her forehead. ‘PLEASE!’
‘No,’ said Bile. ‘I’ve made up my mind.’ He turned his back on Jaundice and smirked. Forget the boy, that sock is mine, he thought. It was rare for such lummy tidbits to make their way into the prison.
‘THAT SOCK BELONGS TO ME!’ Jaundice screamed and started rattling the bars of her cell. ‘HOW COULD YOU?’
‘Shut up!’ Bile ordered and stooped to pick it up, grunting as he went. His stumpy fingers just had time to wrap themselves round the woollen snack, when he caught a glimpse of ten chubby troll-toes poking out of the shadows just beyond it. Next to them was another pair of much smaller, pinker feet … one in a shoe, the other bare. ‘What the –?’
CRRRAAAAACCCKKK!!!
Rubella, concealed in a dark corner, brought her spade-sized fist down on the top of Bile’s head with a wallop. The poor troll grunted loudly and fell to the floor, out cold.
‘I’m not sure about this,’ Neville said. He jumped out of his hiding-place and snatched his sock from Bile’s limp hand. ‘Doesn’t this make us criminals?’
‘Nonsense, m’boy,’ Jaundice laughed. ‘You’ll make a fine truccaneer yet!’
‘Yeah! Clam up!’ Rubella snapped. ‘You want to see Mooma and Dooda again, don’t you?’
Neville nodded, but still didn’t feel any better.
‘Quick, Grub,’ Jaundice whispered, ‘get the keys. We don’t have much time.’
Neville rolled Bile over on to his back and fished the big bunch of keys from the loop on his belt. He eyed them suspiciously. There were hundreds of them and they were all different shapes and sizes.
‘I don’t know which one,’ Neville said.
‘Well, get to it,’ Jaundice barked. ‘Start tryin’ ’em.’
Neville started trying to fit the keys into the big keyhole on the door of Jaundice’s cell. Most of them didn’t go in at all and the ones that did wouldn’t turn.
‘Quick, Nev,’ Rubella said, creeping to the edge of the landing platform. ‘I can hear shoutin’. I think the other guards are on to us!’
Neville’s heart was practically in his throat. He could hear it now too – the deep TROMP … TROMP … TROMP of marching troll-feet and raised voices.
‘They’re going to throw us in jail,’ Neville snivelled.
‘Not if you get me out,’ Jaundice interrupted impatiently. ‘HURRY UP!’
Suddenly the trollevator jumped into motion.
‘They’ve called it,’ Rubella said, running back to Neville and Jaundice. ‘The guards are on their way!’
‘I’m going as fast as I can, Rubella.’
‘Well, go faster,’ Rubella snapped.
Neville picked a heavy, twisted key with a wiggly pattern up the side. ‘Maybe this one,’ he said. ‘No.’
Then he tried a short stubby one with a silver handle. ‘No,’ Neville groaned hopelessly. Which one was it?
Finally, Neville picked a rusted key with a skull and crossbones carved into the end. He pushed it into the lock and twisted it … and the door swung ajar with a loud click.
‘WELL DONE, NEV!’ Jaundice yelled. She darted out of the cell, then wiggled her bottom and flapped her arms. ‘Ugh, it feels good to have some space.’
‘But what are we going to do?’ Neville said. He could see the trollevator winch turning, which meant the guards were heading straight for the top floor. ‘How are we going to get out?’
‘Watch and learn, Nev.’ Jaundice cackled wildly. Then she picked him up and swung him on to her shoulders.
‘BUT –’ Neville barely had time to think. What if Jaundice double-crossed them? He opened his mouth to protest just as Jaundice ran towards the landing platform and took a flying leap off the edge without a second’s thought. Neville clung to her wrinkled neck so tightly he was worried he’d choke her, but he was too afraid to loosen his grip.
‘AAAAAAAAAAAAGH!’ Neville looked round as they fell and saw Rubella tumbling behind him. In the excitement, she’d jumped straight off the platform after them!
‘HERE WE GO!’ Jaundice screeched with delight. They were falling straight towards the trollevator that was now filled with brutish guards.
‘THERE THEY ARE!’
‘GET ’EM!’
‘DON’T LET HER OUT OF YER SIGHT!’
Jaundice soared straight past the guard-filled basket and swung on the underside with Neville flapping around her neck like a human cape.
‘THIS IS WHAT IT’S ALL ABOUT!’ she called over her shoulder. Neville blubbed in reply. His grandma was crazy!
OOOOMF!
Suddenly the trollevator jolted and the guards above all screamed in alarm. Rubella had plummeted straight into the basket and landed on top of them. Neville watched as one guard, then another, then another, flew from the basket and leapt to the squish-free safety of the spiral of sentry posts, howling and cursing as they went.
‘PULL THE LEVER!’ Jaundice shouted to Rubella above. ‘TAKE US DOWN!’
‘RIGHT YOU ARE!’ Rubella yelled back. The trollevator ground to a halt, then instantly started falling towards the floor below. ‘AAAAAAAGH!’
Jaundice bounded free just before the trollevator hit the floor with a crash, but Rubella wasn’t so quick. She lay in a daze among bits of broken basket and knotted chain. Jaundice grabbed her by the arm and hauled her to her feet.
‘Come on, you porker!’
‘Oy,’ Rubella snapped, rubbing her boulder bottom. ‘Who are you callin’ porker?’
‘NOT NOW!’ Neville shouted. ‘Look!’ He pointed up the tower. The guards were all climbing down the walls and it wouldn’t be long before they reached the ground.
‘RUN!’ Jaundice bellowed.
