‘BLLLLLUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!’
Great Gurty suddenly shook, sending a huge wave across the lagoon.
‘Huh?’ Jaundice wobbled and grabbed at the Trolly Roger to keep from falling. ‘What’s goin’ on?’
The Rigor Mortis lurched as another wave hit its side. Neville dropped to his knees and clung to the yardarm as tightly as he could.
‘What was that?’ Rubella shouted.
‘Did we win?’ mumbled No-Eyed Ebola to the mast.
Old Barnacle, who had been thrown to the back of the ship in the fight, suddenly jumped to his rickety feet and yelled ‘SNEEZE AHOY!’
‘NOOOOOO!’ In an instant, Lady Jaundice forgot about killing Neville as panic spread across her papery face. She jumped down on deck in one great leap and landed with an almighty crunch of knees and ankles, and charged up the steps to the poop deck. ‘MY TREASURE!’
Neville held his breath as Pong threw himself into Malaria’s arms below. He half expected Grandma Jaundice to tear Pong into little underling nuggets, but instead, she ran and grabbed the ship’s wheel.
‘WE’LL BE BLURTED OUT WITHOUT THE LOOT!’ Jaundice yelled to the remaining crew. ‘QUICK! WE HAVE TO GET DEEPER DOWN THE GULLET!’
Deeper down the gullet? Neville jumped back to his feet.
‘Dooda!’ Neville shouted. ‘Catch!’
‘Yes, indeedy!’ Clod beamed as Neville dived off the yardarm. ‘Ooooommmfff!’ Clod caught Neville as easily as catching a soft ball.
‘We have to get out of here!’ Neville said.
‘What about ole knuckly knickers?’ said Malaria, pointing at Lady Jaundice.
The crew had already manned the oars and were heaving the Rigor Mortis towards the darkest part of the throat.
‘The gonker’s bungled in the bonce!’ Rubella said, as she joined the rest of her family. ‘If we go down into the belly, we’ll never get out!’
‘Heave!’ Jaundice shouted to her crew. ‘Come on, you swashbunglers … THINK OF THE TREASURE!’
‘BBLLLLLUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGHHHHH!!!’
Great Gurty shook again. The wind had started to build up from somewhere above.
‘We don’t have long,’ Neville said, jumping down from Clod’s grip. ‘Stop her!’ He ran up the stairs to his grandma’s side at the helm.
‘KEEP GOIN’!’ Jaundice screamed over all the noise.
Neville grabbed hold of Jaundice’s arm and tugged. Her pearl bracelet snapped, then rattled all over the deck as the ship rolled back and forth.
‘Grandma!’ Neville said desperately. ‘We’ll all be killed!’
Jaundice wasn’t listening. She didn’t even notice Neville as he pulled and yanked at her stick-like arms. Her eyes were set forward like a rabbit caught in the headlights of a car and she muttered to herself continuously.
‘Think of the glory, m’honks!’ she boomed.
‘BBBLLUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!’
There was an almighty WHOOMF and a wave higher than the crow’s nest flared up at the far side of the lagoon. Neville saw it and felt his heart jump up into his throat. This was pointless. If they were going to escape, they had to do it without Lady Jaundice.
‘Mooma, Dooda … the lifeboats!’ Neville screamed. He tore down the steps, three at a time, and sprinted to his family’s side. ‘We have to get off the ship!’
‘You’re the bossly, Nev,’ Clod said and ran to the nearest rowing boat that dangled from ropes at the side of the ship. ‘Everyone in!’
‘Ooooorrrrhhh!’ Pong sang with excitement. He stuck his tongue out at the approaching wave and laughed.
‘Jump in,’ Malaria called from her seat in the boat. ‘Home’s a-callin’.’
Neville was the last to clamber over the railing and flop into the lifeboat.
‘We’ve got to cut the ropes,’ he said, looking to his troll-family for assistance.
‘Easy as stuffin’ chunkers up a chimney,’ Malaria said. ‘Go on, Pong.’
Pong jumped up and bit through the rope in one great CHOMP. The boat wobbled as the ropes quickly unwound, then plummeted towards the water like a ride at the funfair. It hit the water and instantly bobbed away from the Rigor Mortis on the swelling current.
‘This is it!’ shouted Clod. ‘Brace yourselves!’
The loudest ROAR Neville had ever heard sent the rickety little boat speeding back up the tunnels from whence it had come. Neville looked over his shoulder and saw his truccaneer grandmother, unwavering at the wheel, barking orders to her crew as her brambly hair flapped like the Trolly Roger in the wind and her pointy glasses winked in the lantern light.
WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSSSHHH!
Back into the narrow passage between Great Gurty’s throat and mouth they sped.
CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSHHH!
Past the mountainous mouth ulcer that was now almost completely submerged in water.
SPLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSHHH!
Straight across the lagoon surrounded by teeth and out between the tree-length chompers like a bullet.
Great Gurty had let rip the most belly-bungling sneeze ever, spitting the Bulches and Neville high into the air. The monstrous creature gnashed its teeth at the darkness and was instantly gone back beneath the waves.
‘Hold on!’ shouted Clod as the lifeboat reached the top of its sneeze-propelled flight and started to fall back to the water below. ‘Almost there!’
Neville squeezed his eyes shut and held on to his dooda’s arm as if it was a life vest.
Then, with one last splash, they hit the water. Neville opened his eyes, half expecting to see the boat splinter into hundreds of tiny pieces.
‘We’re out,’ Rubella said in a trembling voice.
‘Ha ha!’ Malaria laughed, throwing Pong into the air and catching him again. ‘WE DID IT!’
‘I did it,’ Rubella snapped, suddenly recovering from her shock.
Neville rubbed his eyes. ‘What about Grandma Jaundice?’
‘I think we’ve seen the last of that old gonker,’ said Clod. He put an arm round Neville and hugged him close. ‘There’s no way she could have got out of that one. She was halfway down the gullet when that thing snoozled.’
‘Now,’ said Malaria. ‘I don’t suppose anyone has an oar lyin’ about somewhere?’
Neville looked at his family …
His family looked at him …
Then all together they chorused …
‘AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHHH!’